Human Behavior in Business

2011-12-20T21:23:00.000-08:00

When is it a good idea to give coaching as a gift? Here are three important guidelines to make sure your recipient gets the most from your investment:

Almost everyone knows someone who could use a coach, but the key question when considering coaching as a gift, is will it be used?

Coaching can be the most positive and powerful gift you can give someone, because it can truly change a life. But it only works if the person receiving the coaching fully engages in the process. So, how can you be sure that your gift will be used well and truly provide a positive experience and great results?

Here are a few tips to help you decide whether coaching is the right gift for the person you have in mind, and if so what type of package would be the best fit for your budget and their situation:

1. Does the person you have in mind need to change, or want to change?

If they need to change, coaching may not help

This is an important distinction. Someone who complains a lot and maybe even asks for advice, but then doesn’t do anything with the help and advice they receive, could be stuck in a victim pattern where they simply don’t believe they have the power to change their life. You may really, really, really want them to see that they can make a change, but until they make the shift in their own mind and decide to take ownership of their situation, hiring them a coach will be just as useless as any other type of help.

Don’t despair though. One thing you can do in this case is continue to plant seeds by letting them know what has helped you without pushing it on them. If they complain about their situation, you can say something along the lines of, “I get how frustrating that can be and I used to feel that way too. Hiring a coach / reading this book / doing such and such program really helped me get my power back and take control of my life. I’d be happy to give you the information if it’s something you want to try”. Leave it at that and then set your own boundaries in your relationship with this person so the negative outlook doesn’t drag you down.

If they want to change, coaching may be the ideal gift

You will know that someone wants to change when you see them working at it. They may be trying a variety of things and failing miserably – but you see them taking enough ownership to keep getting back on their feet and trying something else. Also, when they talk about their situation, the language is less complaining and blaming and more introspective, asking themselves questions related to what they might try next, and you’ll notice a willingness to do the work, even if they are frustrated.

You can always slip in a question, “if you were able to have a coach or participate in a professional development program, do you think you would get a lot out of it?” and gauge their reaction. If they seem curious, intrigued, and positive, you have probably landed on the perfect gift!

2. Usually it takes three to six months to see the first transformational shifts.

You can purchase one or two coaching sessions as a gift, and what someone will most often get out of it is clarity. Clarity can be powerful because it can help you make a big decision, it can give you a new personal awareness, or it can help you get more clear on what you don’t want. But for long term change that lasts, the coaching process usually follows a pattern that enables someone to not only get momentary clarity on the frustration of the day, but also to learn what is behind the pattern of frustrations that keep coming back. The process is different for everyone, but a typical pattern is:

month one – excitement

month two – frustration

month three – glimpses of real change

months four and five – practice and application

month six – the first big shift

months seven and eight - more practice and solidifying the first shift

month nine - seeing the “next” level

With that in mind, when it comes to time-frame, the best gifts are:

(1) a clarity gift (one or two sessions)

(2) a taste of coaching (three to four months to make sure they’ve gotten past the first hurdle – then they can decide whether or not to continue on their own)

(3) a whole package or program (6-12 months – gets them through their first major shift and settled into it so they don’t lose it and go back to the old ways)

Whatever you do, keep in mind that getting someone two months of coaching is never a good idea because it only gets them to the point of frustration and they’ll leave feeling like they didn’t get anything out of it.

Deciding on a time frame is easy with Aspyrre because with the Aspyrre Community program you can do a longer term package even on a budget.

3. Feeling comfortable and safe with your coach is critical to success.

Sometimes one conversation can give someone the comfort level they need to talk freely with a new coach. At other times they need more time to build trust before getting to that comfort level. And, in some cases the relationship never gels. If I think my coach is a “sham” or has no genuine understanding of who I am as a person, I will never trust him or her enough to share the things I really feel vulnerable about. And those are usually the exact things that once shared, enable big changes that haven’t been possible before.

When gifting coaching usually it’s best to provide a “taste” of the coach first to see if the relationship develops and then decide how to proceed. There are several ways to do this. One is to gift a few sessions up front and then find out if the person wants to interview other coaches or stay with the one they have. Another way is to have the person enroll in a longer term group program or class that doesn’t require as much personal trust up front, but enables them to get enough of a feel of who the coach is to decide whether it’s a good fit for private coaching. With Aspyrre you have the option to do both.

Aspyrre 2012 Gift Packages

A Taste of the Aspyrre Community 2012 Coaching Program – Three months - $135

This gift gives three months of the Aspyrre Community with the coaching program included. This is great because it has them engage for three months – past the typical first hurdles, and long enough to earn their first private coaching session. If they are doing the work and enjoying the program, they have the option to start their own subscription when the gift package ends, which gives them a sense of full ownership. Even if they don’t choose to continue after the first three months, they will have gotten enough in terms of training, information, tools, and personal insights to make 2012 their best year to date! MORE INFO - CLICK HERE

A Taste of Private Coaching – One month - $650

This package provides two private coaching sessions, along with two optional bonus components: (1) an additional assessment or exercise that is specifically relevant to their situation (such as a business assessment, a self-discovery tool, a personal marketing plan, or a personal development program), and (2) an additional private coaching session to review the results of their work. This provides them with three coaching conversations (a $1050 value) and a solid plan to help them move to a new level in 2012. They will also have enough of an experience of working with me to see if working together long term would be a good fit and help them put their plans into action! MORE INFO - CLICK HERE

Aspyrre Community 2012 Coaching Program – Full year plus Bonus Coaching - $1490

This package provides one full year of the Aspyrre Community Coaching program – from January through December 2012, plus 5 private coaching sessions to be used anytime during the year. As a member of the Aspyrre Community coaching program – each participant has the opportunity to earn up to 4 private sessions per year, so this package gives them the opportunity to have nine private sessions total along with a full year of classes that they can participate in live or listen to as recordings, depending on their schedule. Please note, the private sessions can ONLY be taken in conjunction with full engagement and participation in the Aspyrre Community and packages must be purchased before January 15^th 2012. MORE INFO CLICK HERE

Leadership Development – Individual Custom Package – One Year - $9500

This package is an ideal gift for someone in an organization who is poised for growth. As an ideal year- end bonus, or in conjunction with an annual evaluation, it shows your willingness to invest in your people and provide them with the tools and resources they need to shine and reach their next level professionally. It includes initial meetings with all involved to clarify objectives, review of evaluations and objectives, a “mini-360”, twelve full months of private coaching, and three progress “check-in” meetings with stakeholders. It’s everything you need to insure your employee gets full support throughout the year to rise to his or her highest level, and at the same time it allows you guide the process, provide regular feedback, and integrate what is learned into your team environment. This package can be purchased at any time during the year, and also can be modified to include additional assessments, workshops, or team programs as needed. MORE INFO CLICK HERE

2011-03-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

Dealing with Resistance to Change

Any time you try to make a big change in an organization you will experience resistance. As a leader, you can make a big difference in how effectively you move forward by being aware of how change impacts people emotionally, and spending more time “with them”, almost like a parent understands and handles the phase of temper tantrums in toddlers. People don’t mean to be unprofessional or uncooperative during periods of change. No matter how confident they are normally, organizational changes force them to grapple with real fears. As a leader, you can make it much easier for them to handle their fears and move forward. Here are some tips:

1. When you notice people you thought you could count on resisting the change – don’t take it personally. Keep in mind that everyone struggles when things change, no matter how much they want to support you. A good way to handle this is to say (once you are calm and NOT taking it personally), “I noticed X [insert behavior], and I’m wondering if you are struggling with this change?” Your goal is to get them to open up and articulate their fears – which may be irrational. Just having a safe space to talk themselves through their resistance with your encouragement could be all they need to buy in completely.

2. Keep your eyes open for individual fears of losing power, prestige, or value in a new role. We all have egos, and even though we know intellectually that the change is really about the organization functioning better as a whole, which should eventually offer more individual opportunities – it’s scary to “let go” of something you’ve been attaching your personal identity to. And, unfortunately most people attach their personal identity to their work, in the form of how many people they manage, how large of a budget they control, what title they have, who they get to report directly to, etc. We may be embarrassed about clinging to these things, but it’s normal to feel like we are losing everything that makes us valuable. As a leader you can break through a lot of resistance by taking as much time as needed to talk to constituents individually and validating their value and their role in the new order.

3. Articulate the vision clearly and repeatedly. Every day. Several times per day. It takes SO much energy to do things differently that sometimes the only thing that keeps people going is a sense of excitement over what is possible. If you can keep people focused on the light at the end of the tunnel – they will walk faster.

4. Leverage the power of habits. Do whatever it takes to get people actually behaving in the new way you need them to behave as soon as possible, and as consistently as possible. As soon as people are “in action” they are building habits that will be difficult to reverse later. As long as they are “anticipating the unknown” their resulting anxiety and negativity will slow you down.

5. Talk to people openly about the cycles of change. Let them know what to expect, how long it might last, how you can work as a team to accelerate progress, what behaviors will slow things down, and what you are willing to do to support them through the process. Then keep talking, keep listening, keep “being with” your team emotionally, because that lowers their fear level and helps them stay focused.

Don’t expect change to happen in an instant, and take ownership of your role in the process. As a leader, you can keep people focused on the vision, confident in their new roles, and “in-action”, while also understanding and being patient with their emotional and seemingly childish resistance. You can make a big difference in how smoothly the change goes, and how quickly your team passes through the “unproductive” stages and gets moving to the next level.

2011-03-16T22:39:00.000-07:00

How Important is the Truth, Really?

This is a scary topic for me to write about for two reasons: one, I don’t know the answer, and two, it messes with my strongest values. I was always taught that honesty and integrity are the most important guiding principles of life. When I was a teenager, I lied to my parents point blank one time, and cried afterwards for two hours because it felt so horrible. Now I read books that say all teenagers lie to their parents and I think, “Geez, what was wrong with me?” But that’s a different story.

This story is about success, and what it takes to become successful, given a definition of success that includes building a life around your core values.

It starts with one of the most powerful tools that I use with clients - a perspective-shifting tool that helps people move very quickly from being upset and angry about a situation to becoming positive or at least emotionally neutral. In their new emotional state, they handle the situation much more effectively and get better results. It’s amazing how much more powerful a person can be once they shift what they believe “the truth” about a situation is. I often speak about it in presentations and workshops, and I hear myself saying over and over again, “In fact, it doesn’t even matter what the real truth is – you could pick the truth that works best for you and operate from that perspective, and when you do, the principle of self-fulfilling prophecy kicks in, and you influence events to reflect the truth you chose.”

But in the back of my mind a question has been sitting for a very long time – just wondering how important the truth really is, and if my coaching tool works better without a real truth, what else in the world works better that way?

Today I got another example.

My eleven year old daughter is nervous about an upcoming dive meet. It’s an important event, in that the top six places move up to nationals, and she made it last year. But her chances this year are not good. The competition is tough, the dives are harder, and the way the scoring works puts her at a disadvantage. I don’t want my child to be stressed about this. I’ve been having conversations with her designed to take the pressure off, focusing on the fun we’ll have on the trip, and how no matter what the outcome is, we’ll find something to celebrate. But she has still been nervous.

Today, when I picked her up from practice, she said, “Dave said if I dive at the meet like I dove today, I will definitely make nationals.” And then she said, “I’m not nervous anymore – I’m actually kind of excited. I mean I’m a little nervous, but when I get into the water it all goes away.” And what I saw, for the first time, was confidence – the kind of confidence and belief in herself that will make this meet fun for her, no matter how she places. The kind of confidence and belief in herself that might even inspire her to perform better than she ever has before.

My daughter’s coach gave her a powerful gift. It wasn’t about truth or facts or mathematical probability; it was about belief. It was about faith and hope and confidence and belief in what’s possible. And it transformed everything.

I see this all the time with people in job transition, with people starting businesses, with people in professional organizations. It’s not the smartest, the most qualified, the hardest workers, or even the most charismatic that make things happen. The people who make things happen are the ones who believe they can make something happen. NOT just intellectually. There are many people who believe intellectually that they are capable of making something happen, or that something should be able to work conceptually. That’s not the kind of belief I’m talking about. I’m talking about an emotional belief: a confidence – the kind that helps you let go of that nervousness, the self-doubt, the pressure, the worry, the “what if’s”, and immerse yourself in confident, focused, and therapeutic action.

So, as I continue my own personal journey – still very much attached to the values of honesty, integrity, and searching for my “truth”, I sometimes wonder if I’m asking the wrong questions. Is it really my truth I should be searching for, or is it something else?

Would love to hear your thoughts…

2011-02-16T16:20:00.000-08:00

What are “Needs” and why do they have everything to do with how things go at work?

Do you remember the last time someone pushed your buttons?

In that instant, did it seem like they crossed the line, almost intentionally?

What emotions got triggered, and how did you control your reaction?

That emotional reaction comes from having a need that isn’t being met, and this is important because almost every single ridiculous thing that happens between people at work, happens because someone has a need that isn’t being met. Most of us aren’t aware of our needs. We just experience spurts of annoyance and frustration with each other, but in a work environment, it’s an ongoing battle of unresolved animosity that undermines trust, communication, and productivity to the nth degree.

We may be able to hold ourselves back from reacting in the moment, but then we vent like crazy to our friends, we “forget” to provide information that the “button pusher” needs, we go out of our way to avoid him or her, and our judgments of each other get harsher. Eventually we decide we simply can’t work together at all.

All it takes is one struggle like this on a team to undermine productivity, but most teams have several “button pushing incidents” going on in tandem, and repeating themselves regularly.

If you make it your business to understand how needs work, you have the power to break through the barriers and maintain a productive work environment, both for yourself and your team.

Here are a few tips to get started:

1. Keep a log of all of your “emotional reactions” at work. Write down the situation and ask yourself “what did I need in this moment?” Listen to the first word or phrase that comes up, and write it down – even if it seems silly.

2. Once your log gets long enough, see if you can find a pattern. If the same words or phrases repeat themselves, you may have nailed an important need. You will also notice that the same people or situations will serve as a trigger for the need, over and over again.

3. At first, it will seem like the only solution is to make the person who is “pushing your buttons” change their behavior and treat you differently. Often the person is someone you have to work with a lot, like your boss, team-mate or subordinate. Unfortunately, you have to start this process by accepting that the person in question will probably not change. BUT the good news is that as you do the needs work, focused on YOURSELF, your reactions to the person move to neutral, and as a result you are able to provide more effective feedback, and the person does change. You just have to be willing to take the indirect route, work on yourself first, and trust that things will end up changing as a result.

4. The person who really has control of getting your needs met is YOU, even though it seems like other people are the source of what you need. What you’ll realize once you do some thinking, is that you have more power than you think, and you’ll also begin to see what you can do to influence the world around you and get more of what you need.

5. An interesting paradox about needs is that we often close ourselves off to receiving what we most need from others. It’s like having trouble accepting compliments. One of the biggest things you have to learn is to graciously receive what you need when it comes to you, even if you don’t really care that much for the source.

6. You also have to learn to give YOURSELF a lot of what you need – listen to that inner voice, and notice what you say to yourself over and over again. If you need to be accepted, are you accepting yourself? If you need to be heard, are you ignoring yourself? It seems like an odd thing to check for, but you may be surprised when you start paying attention.

7. Once you get a feel for how needs play out in your own life, start observing other people and their interactions at work. Pay attention in meetings and notice when someone has an edge to their voice, a hint of sarcasm or resentment. You’ll begin to pick up on the dynamics of others on your team, and may even find subtle ways to intervene and facilitate better interactions across the whole team.

At work, whenever things start getting weird, one of the most powerful things you can ask is this: “are you getting everything you need in this situation?” If you are genuine, this question can dissipate emotion from people who aren’t even aware they are reacting, and give them an opportunity to articulate what they do need. Sometimes it’s as simple as clarity on priorities, extra time to finish a project, or appreciation for work they did that is no longer going to be used.

As independent and self-sufficient professionals, we don’t want to “have needs”. But whether we want to admit it or not, we all have this stuff going on underneath, and if it’s not dealt with directly, it shows up anyway – resulting in poor communication, inefficient team-work, and wasted time, which no organization can afford these days.

No matter what type of organization you work in, you can take yourself to the next level by learning about your own needs. Start with the seven tips above, or you can join the Aspyrre Community, an ongoing professional development program, that provides insight to help you see what’s really behind challenging situations at work, and tools to manage the situations effectively and get better results. For more information on the Aspyrre Community, click here.

2011-01-10T12:10:00.000-08:00

Will you Really Change this Year?

If you could change anything, what would be different by the end of this year? It’s a question I often ask clients, but in January, it crosses almost everyone’s mind. The thing is, change doesn’t happen just by thinking about it, and that’s why most New Years Resolutions fail. Our brains and bodies like habits because they make life more efficient, but if your current habits are keeping you stuck, it will take more than a burst of commitment to change them. Here are five tips to help you make real and lasting change:

1. You need to know why it’s important to change, and your reason has to matter to YOU, at a deep emotional level.

Too many people resolve to quit smoking or go on a diet because they know they should for their health. The problem is they still feel ok, and the good feelings they get from smoking or eating are so much more positive, clear and strong than the concept in their mind of what it will feel like to be healthier. Those who succeed are either scared by a close call (powerfully emotional), or they are able to attach themselves to a clear, emotional, and positive vision of themselves in a healthier body. That clear vision and positive emotion is the thing that keeps them going as they develop new habits.

2. Get clear on what actions you are willing to take, for how long, and how you will decide whether it’s worth it to keep acting if you aren’t getting results.

The sad thing about most goals is that it takes longer to get results than what you would expect. When you don’t get results, it’s easy to get into a slump of not working as hard, which slows you down even more. One thing that helps is rewarding yourself for effort as opposed to results. When you know you are putting in your best effort, it’s hard to get down on yourself, and easier to keep going until you’ve gathered enough momentum to start seeing results.

3. Detach yourself emotionally from failure, get used to it, and learn from it.

While it’s powerful to be emotionally attached to the vision that drives you forward, it’s painful to be emotionally attached to the little failures along the way. You have to get over being embarrassed about looking like a dork, or comparing yourself to others who seem to be doing it better or faster. The successful people in this world have failed many more times than the failures. Who do you want to be?

4. Develop habits that support your success.

Habits and routines can form a strong foundation for success, helping you maintain consistent behaviors that build on themselves over time. Your brain likes habits, and if you do the same thing enough times in a row it will become automatic. Habits can work for you or against you, and the more habits you can develop to work for you, the easier it will be for you to create lasting and permanent change. This works with meals, exercise routines, sales calls, building your network, managing people, running meetings, and just about anything else.

5. Adopt a mindset that matches your change.

Your mind is powerful. It dictates what you notice in the world, what you decide it means, how you respond, and ultimately what shows up for you. It’s almost lucky that it takes awhile to make most changes on the outside, because if your mind doesn’t catch up, you can easily spiral right back to where you started. The way to prevent this is NOTICE that running commentary in your head and THINK about how that running commentary might be different if you succeed. Instead of “I need a smoke” every time things get stressful, it might be “I need a walk” or “a break” or “ten minutes to think with my door closed and a cup of tea”. Start playing with new ways to think that match the way you want to be thinking about the world once you have succeeded.

6. BONUS - Get a support system!

Studies show that people are three times as likely to make a change when they have a support system in place – usually a group of people who are in it together. You can put together a mastermind group, or join a support group, or even get a buddy to work with you, and the natural synergy and support will propel you forward. I have to make a sales pitch here – JOIN the Aspyrre Community and as long as you show up on the phone calls it’s almost inevitable that you will change. We are continuously learning and working with tools that help you move yourself to the next level, and hearing other people with similar challenges talk about their experiences is invaluable.

It all comes down to this. Do you really want things to change this year? If you do, you will need to do something different. Something that moves you out of your current habitual way of living. It can be as small as joining the community and showing up on calls or as big as moving to a brand new place physically and developing a whole new living routine. But do SOMETHING different – and lay the foundation for real and lasting change.

2010-05-06T11:03:00.000-07:00

Organize to Higher Revenue

I first hired an organizer in 2003, wrote this article 2 years later, and still pull it out every few years and re-post it. Even now, 7 years later, I still have most of the systems in place that my original organizer set up for me - and I stand by the claim that having great organizational systems has a direct impact on revenue!

So, here it is again:

HOW GETTING ORGANIZED IMPACTED MY BUSINESS

One day about two years ago, I decided to find out how much the clutter in my office was costing me. The answer amazed me. After a few days working with a professional organizer, I immediately increased my monthly income by about 50%. And if you can imagine anything better than that – my stress level dropped to almost nothing. What I learned about organizing has made a huge impact in my business and my life. Here are five things I learned about the value and process of organizing that were key to achieving such amazing results:

1. Organizing, weeding, and taking care of open issues are distinctly separate activities. Try to do them at the same time, and you run into trouble.

If you’ve ever hired a housecleaning service, you may have noticed how quickly they get the job done. This is because all they do is clean. They don’t get distracted picking up clutter, or fixing broken things, or deciding if something should go to Goodwill.

The problem with organizing our own stuff is that everything we own requires a decision or reminds us of something we intended to do. So, instead of “getting through the box”, we spend our time taking care of what we find in the box. This approach takes a lot of time – it’s common to end up with the box still full hours later. Working this way is frustrating and overwhelming.

The professional organizer sees things differently. She sorts through an entire box in 20 minutes, easily. She has no emotional attachment to the items in the box – to her they are simply objects with a use, size, shape, and category attached to them. Her job is to get them into piles and find homes for them. All the things that need to be taken care of get put in a “take care of” pile and can be addressed once the organizing part of the job is done.

2. Everything has a home, absolutely everything.

You can’t put something away if you don’t know where it goes. If you look at a pile of clutter, in most cases it exists because 80% of the contents either don’t have a home, or the home is not easily accessible. Anything that will reside in your space, even temporarily, needs a home. This includes keys, borrowed books, business cards, thank you notes, and single sheets of paper with scribbled notes on them.

The “home” is specifically designed around ease of use. It’s located where the item is most often used, and it has a container or hook that fits. The containers and hooks are critical. They make it easy to retrieve items and easy to put them back where they belong. They also reduce the chance of items getting in the way of each other.

The biggest benefit of assigning homes to everything is that a mess that used to take three hours to clean only takes ten minutes. Why? Because you grab the stuff and put it where it belongs. You don’t even have to think. I thought that when my office got organized, I would have to file a few minutes every day to keep everything looking perfect. What I found is that even if I let my filing stack up for an entire month, I could get caught up on it in less than 20 minutes. What a relief!

3. Create decision criteria, so you know immediately what to keep and what to throw away

If you don’t decide what to keep and what to throw away you have a lot of items taking up space that don’t have homes (because you aren’t sure you’ll keep them) and aren’t in the trash (because you haven’t decided to let them go).

Here’s where my organizer really helped me. She gave me a simple over-riding guideline, and asked really good questions whenever I was confused. It went something like this:

The over-riding guideline: You only keep something if you use it regularly, or you love it.

Then, every time I wasn’t sure about something, she would ask me a series of great questions:

a. What situation are you keeping it for?
b. How often does that situation occur?
c. What will you do if that situation occurs and you don’t have it?

Inevitably we would find a lot of things I was keeping because they were “too good” to throw away. Now all these items get donated to places where they will be used.

Once I had created my rules, everything went much more quickly. I would “weed” first, by throwing out or donating everything that didn’t fall into the “keep” criteria. Then once I got to the organizing, it was simply a matter of sorting and finding homes for everything that was left.

4. I wouldn’t have done it myself.

If I pay close attention, this is what happens when I organize alone: I get frustrated because it’s taking too long; I get bored because it’s not interesting work; I get distracted because I think of other important “revenue producing” activities I should be focusing on; I get angry when I discover something I intended to do that fell through the cracks; I stop and try to solve problems as I uncover them. All these negative thoughts and emotions drain my energy and pull me away from the task at hand.

With my organizer the experience is quite different: She sorts quickly and easily because she has no emotional connection to my stuff. As issues come up, we discuss them, and because she has lots of experience with similar situations, decisions come quickly. There is a sense of teamwork, forward movement, and the relief of having someone experienced to lean on who will insure that the project continues to move forward, even when I’m lagging behind.

5. The return on investment is enormous.

For me it was several thousand dollars. It started with about four extra hours per week. On top of that I had a more powerful presence that came from knowing I had everything under control. I was more prepared when I gave presentations, I had a better follow up system, I put more thought into my writing, because I was more relaxed about taking the time to think. That translated into more powerful personal interactions, which translated into more business. My monthly revenue immediately increased by about 50% after the initial organizing effort, and never dipped back.

It’s been about two years now since my first experience with an organizer. Since then I’ve continued to use an organizer periodically, to replace systems as they become obsolete, or to save me if I’ve let things go for more than a few months. Even though it’s a smaller, more intense effort, I consistently experience more confidence, more time, and increased business in the weeks following the visit.

Copyright @2005 - 2010 Nahid Casazza http://www.aspyrre.com/

2010-05-03T10:20:00.000-07:00

The Quick "Pick Me Up" Exercise

Most of the people I work with are used to being very successful, and when they find themselves in transition for a long period of time, they start having scary moments of self-doubt, where they truly wonder if they've lost themselves forever.

When you feel like curling up in a ball and hiding from the world, but you know you have to get moving in order to change things, this tool can help.

The exercise below can be done in five minutes and is specifically designed to counteract thinking patterns associated with sadness. If you focus and answer each question honestly and introspectively, you should experience a subtle shift in your frame of mind that can serve as a mental and emotional "pick me up", when you need one. Have fun with it!

The Quick “Pick Me Up” Exercise

You can do this exercise for an emotional “pick me up” when you are feeling really down. Answer the questions below with effort and honesty:

1. List five things you are grateful for in this moment:

2. List five people you know and respect. For each person list at least one specific thing that you do better than they do:

3. List five people who love and respect you for who you are:

4. List five things you have accomplished in the last three weeks that you are proud of:

5. List five things you could do right now that take 20 minutes or less, and would make you feel really good about yourself:

6. Choose one of the five things on your list, and do it now.

2010-04-16T14:01:00.000-07:00

Top Business Mistakes Business People Make
Mistake #1 – Keeping Your Idea a Secret

Dear Nahid,

I had an idea for a business and I took an entrepreneurship class to learn how to put it into action. I made the mistake of sharing my idea when the instructor asked, and was later disappointed to learn that another student had a friend who was working on the same type of business. I’m not sure what she told her friend and I feel betrayed. What do I do now? Do I scrap my idea? In the future should I have people sign a non-disclosure agreement before talking about my business, to protect my idea from being stolen?

-Furious

Dear Furious,

It’s not easy to grow a business and even if your classmate passed on some of your ideas to her friend, she may not implement them. A business owner can usually only focus on about one initiative at a time. Great ideas are usually a dime a dozen, while getting the business to operate smoothly so you can breathe easy at night is priceless.

Most new entrepreneurs make the mistake of thinking that a unique idea is the key to success, and because of their protectiveness, they have a hard time moving forward and putting their idea into action. They only talk to people who are willing to sign non-disclosure statements, and even then are somewhat vague about what they plan on doing.

The fear is, “What if someone steals my idea?” But what you may not realize is that at least two thousand other people in the world probably have the exact same idea you do. It’s not the idea itself that makes a business, it’s the execution of that idea, and as the business grows, things will normally change.

Innovation is definitely important in business, but it usually doesn’t show up as “one great idea” in isolation. The most cutting edge companies have a consistent process of innovation as part of their culture; one that enables them to constantly come up with new ideas in response to new situations that arise on a daily basis. By the time tomorrow hits, yesterday’s idea becomes old news.

In my experience, the best entrepreneurs do a lot of talking about their ideas before they start a business. They use these conversations to “test” an idea by seeing how potential customers respond to it, learning what other people have done, and discovering in advance what they will be up against.

When you don’t talk to people about your idea, potential customers don’t find out about what you are doing, and they are unable to give you feedback. Thus, by the time you are ready to “launch”, you may not have enough resources left to bring your product to market and adapt your product or services to what you learn from that feedback.

When you don’t talk to people about your idea, you miss the opportunity to hear the stories of the other people they know who also had similar ideas, and learn from someone else’s mistakes, or get a true handle on what your competition is.

When you don’t talk about your idea, you miss opportunities to learn, collaborate and partner with others, leveraging your personal resources and increasing the chances of building a viable entity.

Remember your idea is only the initial seed of your business. To give it a chance of coming to life, it will need to grow and change in participation with its environment. What that means is having conversations with people, asking questions, collaborating, experimenting, and using the success of your competitors as inspiration to keep building on your idea to make it better. Established businesses rarely fear their competitors copying or stealing their ideas. In fact, they often use the competition to fuel even better ideas.

If you are afraid someone will steal your idea, it might be a good time to do some research. See how many people you can find who are doing something similar to what you are thinking of doing. Ask a bunch of questions about their ideas. And then ask yourself, “am I stealing their ideas if I already was thinking about this?” Knowing what others are doing, or are considering doing, can I still build a business in this market and be unique enough to have an edge? This type of questioning will fuel the innovation in your mind, AND give you the information you need to move forward.

It’s great that you have a great idea. Now take the first ten steps and see what happens!

2010-02-17T14:20:00.000-08:00

The Difference Between Needs and Values

In some of our recent sessions I have heard participants use the words “needs” and “values” interchangeably and it occurred to me that it might be helpful to distinguish the two:

1. NEEDS are what you are currently missing and cannot feel / be completely “OK” without.
2. VALUES are what you would naturally build your life around when all your needs are met.

It is very difficult to distinguish between needs and values when you have a lot of unmet needs. Your needs will pull at you much more strongly than your values, because they are urgent and required. When you do values work during a time of a lot of unmet needs, it’s highly likely that your needs will show up as values. Once the needs are met, you may feel like your values have changed because the same words aren’t showing up as much. Typically a value that changes is actually a need that has finally been met and is no longer necessary to bring into your life because you have more than enough.

I can’t tell you for sure whether or not values evolve over time, but MY BELIEF is that your deep values never change; they are simply “uncovered” as your needs get met.

This issue is really not a problem when it comes to personal growth, because getting your needs met is a priority anyway. If you are developing a list of your core values and it turns out later that four of the values disappear and in retrospect those turned out to be needs…perfect. That means your needs are getting met and you are making room in your life for your deeper values to come to the surface and be recognized. This is why it’s important to do needs and values work periodically; I would say at least once per year, and once per quarter is great for people on a path of accelerated personal growth.

2010-02-08T13:36:00.000-08:00

Help - I Lost my Motivation!

Motivation is never a problem for a naturally unmotivated person. It’s when you are used to achievement, accomplishment and success and suddenly you experience a lull in your motivation that things get frustrating.

If you are normally highly motivated, but suddenly notice yourself procrastinating, feeling drained, or otherwise not moving quickly enough towards your goals, here are some things to consider:

1. How clear are you about what you want to achieve? If you are confused or having doubts, this can lead to a question about whether or not the effort is worth it. The solution: Ask yourself how much effort you are willing to put forth on the next few steps without knowing if you will continue to move forward. Make sure those steps include gathering whatever information you need to clear up your initial confusion or doubts.

2. How much do you have to break out of current habits and patterns to achieve your goal? It takes a lot of energy to create new habits, which is why people don’t change very easily when they are busy or comfortable in their current routines. In this case focusing on one activity or habit at a time as a priority can help you build new patterns.

3. How will your success or failure change your relationships? Those who love us are incredibly impacted by everything we change. Even positive changes on our part can wreak havoc on their lives. For example, if you are suddenly running several miles per day to train for a marathon, you aren’t available for whatever you used to do during that time. It helps to ask the people you are close to how the changes you are making (or stressing over making) impact them. You may be surprised, but getting it on the table and talking about it will often clear up the resistance and make it easier to move forward.

4. How painful are the steps you need to take to achieve success? If you have to do something you aren’t comfortable or confident doing in order to achieve your goal, your procrastination will kick in no matter how enticing the end result is. Identify the specific tasks you are avoiding and see if you can eliminate them or break them into small, manageable steps that don’t require as much energy.

5. How much meaning have you attached to your success? As soon as achieving a particular goal grows into something that defines who you are it becomes elusive. If you have to find your passion, be in the ideal relationship, make a certain amount of money, or be a certain weight in order to be ok with yourself, then those things wont happen. The only way out of this one is separating your ego from your goal and dealing with them separately.

For more information, including workshops, articles, and tools for getting motivated, check out my website at: www.aspyrre.com.

2010-01-18T12:51:00.000-08:00

Your Presence Impacts Everything

My daughter wanted me to watch American Idol with her this season – from the beginning. So, of course, I had to pick everything apart in my curiosity about people and success. I immediately noticed stadiums of 20,000 or more hopefuls in each audition city, did the math, and wondered what the process of elimination was. I did some research and learned that regardless of what you see on television, the vast majority of those who try out for the show are excellent vocalists. In fact, people who are willing to make a fool out of themselves actually have better odds of getting through round one.

But that wasn’t the part that interested me. Less than 1% of the excellent singers who show up actually get to audition in front of the “star” judges. What I wondered is this: as producers watch rows and rows of these amazing voices, what is it that strikes them enough to move a person through to the next round?

Part of it may be having a good back story, like having broken both your arms falling out of a tree, or coming from an interesting part of the country or having an interesting family. But beyond that I believe it is presence. In this case perhaps it’s “celebrity presence”. You could call it charisma, but it’s even more distinct than that. It’s the ability to capture the imagination and emotions of an audience. Those who have it aren’t just singing in great voices, they are making a connection that “strikes” at an emotional level. It wakes people up and generates energy.

You don’t have to have celebrity presence to have presence. Everyone has some tone and level of presence, but we don’t think about it much, and we often attribute it to personality, assuming it can’t be changed, and therefore not bothering to develop it.

I would like to suggest that developing your presence could be the most important professional development work you ever do.

If you give presentations as a business leader or salesperson, you probably have a sense for when you are “on”. You can see from the faces in the audience that people are mesmerized. If you don’t develop your presence as a speaker, you give away your ability to influence your audience with the clear compelling messages that will get them moving in one direction.

Even in quieter interactions, such as one on one conversations with employees or small meetings, your presence will influence your audience far more than your words. See if you recognize these examples:

1. Have you ever been in the presence of someone who champions justice? In almost any situation they can find a story about someone taking unfair advantage of others. The person is appalled on behalf of the victim(s). The “presence” is that of self-righteous anger and the energy around it can be powerful. Some people are invigorated and inspired to jump on the wave of rebellion and take some action. To others it sounds like constant complaining and they feel drained by the negative energy. These are two ends of the same spectrum. If you want to be an advocate for change, working on your presence can make the difference between gathering a crowd of people ready to fight for your cause, and wondering why everyone is avoiding you.

2. I saw a speaker recently who was dripping with charisma, effervescence, and what I would call celebrity presence. Her stories were dramatic and mesmerizing, and her physical presence was beautiful to match. She compelled about half of her audience, but many of the intellectuals in the group were turned off by a message that to them seemed trite and empty. This is a great example of someone who has polished her speaking presence, and somewhere in the process it got overdone enough to lose some of its magic. The lesson here is that working on your presence is one thing, but taking it beyond authenticity may backlash you with a reverse effect.

Your presence doesn’t have to be big or loud to be compelling. If we take a look at quieter people, they tend to fall along a spectrum as well. At one end are those we barely notice, but at the other end are those who inspire us. They may sit quietly and listen most of the time, but when they say something it’s profound. When we read stories about powerful guides and teachers, they tend have quiet and peaceful but focused energy about them, and people come from miles around just to hear what they have to say.

Many of the most powerful business leaders are quiet intellectuals with a strong presence.

No matter who you are or what you do, working on your presence can help you be more successful. If you sing, it gives you a better chance of passing an audition; if you present, it gives you a better chance of having an impact on your audience; if you lead, it gives you a better chance of being willingly followed.

The two most important keys to presence are confidence and authenticity. Those are common words: easy to say, not anywhere near as easy to live. If you find yourself thinking about how you should say something so people will hear you or react the “right” way, you are already moving away from those keys. The tangible steps towards building presence involve becoming aware of and removing everything that holds you back from being present. For some this takes years of work, but the good news is, for every new level of awareness, you become that much more compelling in your interactions.

If you want to work on your presence, work with a coach who not only understands the concept of presence, but who IS present when you have your initial exploratory phone call. You will be able to tell this from your own emotional response during the conversation. Do you feel intrigued, interested, and inspired? If so you have found your coach. If you feel bored, not understood, or uninspired, keep making calls until the connection feels right. Trust your intuition, and good luck on your journey!

2009-11-30T08:56:00.000-08:00

Are “You” Lined up with Your Goals?

As a coach, I help you achieve your goals faster. But I’m less interested in your actual goals than how you can most easily achieve them. And, I’m less interested in how sensible your action steps are than how lined up you are mentally and emotionally with those steps. Simply put, if you aren’t lined up with your goals, you wont achieve them. So my most important mission when I talk with prospective clients about their goals is to ask the kind of questions that will reveal any hidden values conflicts, fears, or attachments connected to those goals.

When we work together, our most productive work will be addressing those conflicts and getting “you” lined up with what you want to achieve. Once you are lined up with your goals, then the action steps are easy to take, and over time, with consistent action, there’s almost no way you can fail. But when you aren’t lined up, no matter how clear you are on your actions, no matter how committed you feel when we get off the phone, by the next session, it’s predictable that you will either be frustrated with yourself for procrastinating, or you will cite many legitimate reasons why you could not take the actions required to achieve your goal. You may even be distracted and want to talk about other things, until after a few months you look back and wonder what you accomplished.

How do you know if you are “unaligned” with your goals? Here are just some of the signs:

1. It takes a whole lot of willpower and discipline for you to follow your plan.
2. You feel that you need accountability – someone to push you.
3. You really don’t enjoy doing the specific actions required to succeed.
4. You find yourself procrastinating and feel ashamed, but that doesn’t change things much.
5. Other, more important things keep getting in your way so you don’t have time to do what you need to do to succeed.
6. You keep changing your mind about your goals.
7. You set a goal and work towards it for awhile and then, without even realizing it, you seem to drift into not working on it, until one day you notice you’ve blown it off for weeks.
8. You feel like if you could only just get this one thing worked out and achieve this one goal, everything in your life would finally be ok (the right job, the right weight, the right relationship, etc.)

In contrast, how does it feel when you ARE lined up with your goals?

1. You may be tired or unmotivated, but you take the action steps anyway, and you feel good about it.
2. You might want an accountability partner, but you look forward to the time together instead of feeling pushed or forced.
3. Taking the steps required to achieve your goal feels energizing and exciting even if you feel scared, even if you fail.
4. Once you get some momentum going on your actions, they get easier, more enjoyable, and you feel more efficient.
5. You can see yourself having achieved your goal, and it feels possible, not like a “too good to be true” fantasy.
6. You know achieving this goal will be fulfilling, but you don’t expect it to make all your problems go away.
7. You might procrastinate or get distracted sometimes, but within a few days you are naturally thinking and focusing on your goal again, and wanting to take more steps.
8. As you work towards your goal, you continue to grow your confidence, even when things aren’t working out like you’d hoped.

If you look at the two lists above, you may notice that there is a distinct difference in the overall feeling and forward motion. When you aren’t lined up with your goals, your emotional state is more conflicted, your mental state is more confused, and although you may take some action, you never gain enough momentum to see results. When you are lined up with your goals you still feel all the same human emotions like fear and frustration, and you still face setbacks, both internally and externally, but through it all you naturally hold the vision, want to move forward, and find the energy you need to do what it takes. So eventually you gain momentum and get results.

If you are becoming painfully aware that you are in the “not lined up” category, don’t despair. You wouldn’t “want” whatever it is that you want if it wasn’t lined up with at least one real value or need. And that means the possibility exists for you to achieve at least most of what you want. However, if something isn’t lined up, you will have more long term success working to identify your internal conflicts and working them out than in attempting to force yourself through willpower to take action.

This doesn’t take as long as you might think. You don’t have to go into years of therapy and resolve everything in your past that affects you now. Just shining some light on your values, thinking about what makes you feel happy, fulfilled, and purposeful, and understanding what tends to get in the way for you can make enough of a difference to get you moving forward.

That’s why, at Aspyrre, December is the month of “self-discovery”. January is a big month for goal-setting, so in December we get back in touch with our core values, think about who we really are, what we most want out of life, and identify what gives us a sense of fulfillment and purpose. Then, as we plan for the year ahead we can make a conscious effort to line our goals up with our strongest values and give ourselves the best chance for success.

There is an exercise I have my clients do each year in December that helps shine the light on what is most important, and sets the stage for setting solid, values-based goals in January. The exercise is on my website, and is called “Your Year in Review”. Feel free to go through the questions yourself for this year, and when you are done, see if you have uncovered any gems that help you line yourself up with what you want to accomplish next year. I’d love to hear what you come up with!

P.S. As I write this at the end of 2009, I am working on a new website, so if for any reason the link doesn’t work – just go to my website and look in the articles section, or feel free to e-mail me and let me know so I can get the exercise to you.

2009-11-16T11:25:00.000-08:00

What to Tweet About?

People keep saying, “You should be on Twitter”. Yes, I know. I’m on there all right. But I don’t “tweet” much, because up until now, I haven’t really “gotten” what I should be saying. I mean, who in the world cares when I wash my hair or that I had a great talk with my daughter or whether I’m answering e-mail or talking to a client in any given work moment? And I know people definitely don’t want to read a bunch of workshop or coaching advertisements. So, what to write?

And then, today, the answer began to form around the edges of my mind. It happened when I was writing my weekly update to the Aspyrre Community members. I realized that the update created intimacy, a conversation for those who did not have time to show up for the live event that week. And for the first time, I realized I wanted to have that kind of conversation with more people. It occurred to me that the question “what do I tweet about?” is the exact same question as “what do I write about?” when I think about writing an e-mail or a blog.

Except with my blog and articles, I take time to write, and my readers take time to read.

But the world is changing, accelerating at an outrageous pace. Nobody has time to read or write anymore.

In my recent workshops on time management, participants grappled with the idea that they simply can NOT complete or even begin everything there is to do anymore. They have to choose. In my career transition workshops, job-seekers are learning how to write resumes that will not actually be read unless they make it through the first few rounds of selection. Everything has to be in bullets.

So the pieces of the puzzle begin to converge, as I realize what twitter gives me – a place to blog in bullets.

The whole world has access to the bullets, and yes, they are quite lost in a sea – like “pings” from a submarine. But there’s always someone else on line the same time I am and, the more followers I have, the more interested those “per chance” people are in what I have to say. After reading the bullets, some will honor me with more of their time, and read a paragraph or an article. And some of those people might want to delve in deeper and join the community, attend a workshop, hire me as their coach.

We live in a new world, where people can choose who, where, when, and what to engage with. Twitter is a selection tool that enables people to come together quickly around what they care about, and disengage just as quickly when they need space.

At least I think. But today, I’m going to step in and give it a try.

2009-11-05T09:28:00.000-08:00

Your “To-Do” List – Is it a Tool or a Weapon?

How do you feel when you look at your to do list?

Do you feel confident that everything is contained in one place, or do you wonder what’s missing?
Do you feel clear about what to get started with, or do you feel overwhelmed at how long the list is?
Do you feel a sense of accomplishment as you check items off throughout the day, or a sense of desperation as you watch the list grow throughout the day?

A to-do list is supposed to be an organizational tool, used to keep you productive, prioritized, and focused, and as a result it should greatly reduce your stress. But all too often I work with clients with to-do lists they want to hide from. The sense of overwhelm they experience as they see an unending list that can’t possibly be completed is enough to send them crawling back under the covers and take a sick day. If your to do list makes you feel bad and doesn’t help you work more productively, it may be a weapon you are using against yourself instead of the tool you originally created to serve you.

When facing your to-do list feels like facing an enemy, chances are it has become a trigger for negative self talk. If you listen closely to the words of your thoughts, you might notice things like, “I am so incompetent – I’ll never get all of this done”, or “what a loser”, or “this will take weeks and I’ll never get any time to relax and enjoy my life”, or “it’s useless, I can’t get on top of it – why bother doing any of it?” There are many variations in what you might be saying to yourself, but if the sight of your list triggers feelings of overwhelm, impatience, exhaustion, or other draining emotions, you can bet there is some form of negative thinking and self-talk behind it.

For many people, the energy drain is so severe that they avoid the list and procrastinate on tasks they might have otherwise enjoyed or easily completed. When that happens, your to do list has become a weapon you are inadvertently using against yourself, and it is no longer effectively serving its purpose as an organizational tool.

So, if this is happening to you, what do you do about it?

The first thing is to get back to the purpose of the to-do list. The to-do list serves you; you don’t serve it. Ask yourself why you have a list in the first place? Is it to keep you more organized, or prioritized? Is it to prevent you from forgetting things? Once you get clear on what you wanted the list for in the first place, you can make some adjustments to your list, or you can use an alternative tool that might work better. Here are a few ideas:

To keep you prioritized and productive: write a “top 5” list each day, of the five most important things you want to get done. There may be a longer to do list that you use to contain ALL your projects, but the top 5 is much less overwhelming, and keeps you focused on the 20% that will give you 80% of your results.
To move through your list faster: Most people know about the A,B,C method of prioritization. A items are the most critical items, B items are important, and C items are things you’d like to do when you can find the time. Add a Q designation for anything that takes 10 minutes or less and is relatively easy. Each day when you get 15 – 20 minutes of open time, such as before a meeting, knock one or two Q’s off your list. You might be surprised at how much shorter your list stays as a result.
To get rid of the overwhelm: The bottom line is that technology has changed the nature of work over the past decade such that it is now literally impossible to get everything on our lists done. The people who survive in this new age of information overload have changed their mindsets and expectations accordingly. It’s no longer “getting it all done” that is important. It’s choosing what’s most important now, given the current circumstances and opportunities in this moment, which may be entirely different from what was relevant just a moment a go. Shifting your mindset to a new way of judging your competence can be powerful. Instead of “getting it all done”, if “getting what’s most important done” is what makes you competent, your to do list may lessen its power over you, and go back to its rightful place as your servant.

I’ll be talking about this mindset change in my Calming the Chaos workshop November 17th. To see a list of workshops I’m currently offering, you can always visit my website at

www.aspyrre.com.

2009-10-16T15:43:00.001-07:00

Getting a Better Return on your Energy

Sometimes we look at time management one dimensionally, and we forget to look at our energy, which is one of the most significant factors related to productivity. Some activities you do throughout your day are completely draining. You don't look forward to doing them, you often procrastinate, you don't enjoy yourself while you are doing them, and when you are done you are relieved and ready to relax. On the other hand, some activities naturally energize you. When you do them you forget about time. You tend to be more focused and engaged. You do a better job naturally. You feel good about yourself after you are done, and you leave the task energized, confident, and excited to move on to a new challenge.

How much more productive would you be if you could build your work day around activities that energized you? If you could eliminate or at least contain the ones that drained you? And if you could create systems and routines to get more out the ones in the middle?

My bet is that regardless of how much time each activity takes, you would end up getting more results from everything you do. If you'd like to experiment, here is an activity I recently walked Aspyrre Community participants through in our business systems forum. You can do this using a four column spreadsheet:

Column 1 - Write a brainstormed list of every activity you do regularly in your business, daily work, or job search.

Column 2 - Score each activity from 1 to 5 with 5 being the highest based on your reponse to this question: "if this activity is done consistently and well, how much impact will it have on my success?"

Column 3 - Score each activity based on whether it gives you energy or drains your energy. If it is neutral (like brushing your teeth, for example), score it a 0. If it gives you energy, score it from 1 to 5 with 5 being the MOST energizing. If it drains your energy you want to give it a negative number between "-1" and "-5" with "-5" being the activities that drain you the MOST.

Column 4 - Add column 2 and 3 (remember when you add a negative number to a positive number, it's just like subtraction. So 4 plus "-5" is like 4-5 and your answer would be -1). Your results should range from "-4" at the lowest to 10 at the highest.

How to Analyze your Results:

Activities scoring between 5 and 10 - capitalize on these activities. Build as much of your work as possible around them because you get the most leverage from them.

Activities scoring between 0 and 5 - systemize these activities, by having a step by step process or a routine for them. This enables you to do them more frequently with less energy drain, and get more leverage from them than you do now.

Activities scoring between (-4 and 0) - Eliminate / delegate / or at the very least CONTAIN these activities. They will always drain you, so if you can limit them to a short period of time and give yourself a reward afterwards, or otherwise manage them, you will be drained less by them.

When I did this exercise something quite obvious hit me between the eyes, and I actually revised my business strategy as a result. I'd love to hear what comes out of it for you!

2009-06-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

Beyond Planning and Acting – the Emotional Game of Success

Sometimes success is easy. You set a goal, make a plan, take action, adjust as you go, and ultimately get to where you want to be. Then you choose a new goal and start all over again. Even in this crazy world when the more realistic scenario involves many goals, complicated webs of people, competition for resources, and constant change, it’s possible to set your mind to just about anything, and achieve it with a clear vision, good interpersonal skills, and consistent, focused action.

But sometimes the success formula doesn’t work. You may blame yourself for not managing your time well, or not having enough willpower, or not getting your priorities straight, but at some level it feels like you are banging your head against an impenetrable wall. I believe that this is because thinking and acting are just part of the success equation.

You see the emotional component of success all the time in sports. The underdog gets a burst of positive energy and performs beyond all expectations. Or an athlete falls into a “slump” and can’t do anything right. It’s alive in business as well. Sales teams purposely generate fun to keep the emotional energy as positive as possible. Leadership teams work on creating emotional environments (corporate cultures) that support what they want to achieve. Marketing teams use branding to create an emotional connection between products and customers. While the emotional game can seem vague and hard to define, we intuitively know it plays a big part in getting solid results.

When I coach clients, I often notice that the “emotional” game they are immersed in has more impact on their ultimate success than their goals, their plan, or any techniques or strategies they can learn. Unfortunately it’s hard to see, it’s not tangible or easily measurable, and controlling it is like herding cats. So what most people do is resign themselves to focusing on the things they can see and control – the mental game and the action game, and they ride the emotional waves the best they can.

But the emotional game is not as hard to manage as it looks – it just follows different rules and requires a different kind of awareness. Here are a few tips to get you started:

1. Notice when someone is pushing your buttons. We tend to assume that the other person “pushed” and that causes our reaction. But if you take a deeper look, you may notice a pattern of your own reactions that spans different people and situations. Understanding this pattern is the first step to learning what you need to succeed.

2. Notice what drains you and what energizes you. There is a pattern here too, and once you see it, you can begin to manage your environment, your activities, and your interactions in ways that preserve your emotional energy.

3. Notice the story you tell yourself about a situation when you are immersed in a negative emotion about something. If you look deeper than the actual situation, you will notice that you have a pattern of “explaining things” to yourself that may be habitual. Just realizing that you made up the explanation and there may be other more positive explanations is incredibly empowering.

4. Notice when you are feeling your best- confident, in your element, joyful, on top of the world. What exists that does not typically exist when you are stressed or down?

Some people think that the purpose of emotional awareness is to force a positive attitude all the time, or to always have positive energy. This line of thinking not only misses the point; it doesn’t work. A positive attitude and positive emotional energy are often helpful in the short term, but especially when they are forced, they can be even more draining than feeling authentically negative.

The purpose of increasing your awareness around your emotional game is to help you manage it so you can play your full game more effectively. In your physical game, you do better when you take good care of your body, and take time off to heal when you are injured or ill. In your mental game, you do better when you are periodically engaged in something that interests or challenges you, and when you regularly get a good night’s sleep. In your emotional game, as you spend more time doing what brings you joy and confidence, your level of personal power gets stronger and stronger. And when you find yourself stressed or angry or frustrated, you know what you need to get back on track.

Imagine what it would be like to feel energetic, confident, and content most of the time. Would you be more productive? Would you be on top of your mental game? If you have a goal and a plan, and you are not moving forward consistently, there is a good chance that the barrier you are facing is hiding in your emotional game. Discover it, and you have the key to breaking through to your next level.

2009-05-05T13:23:00.000-07:00

Ask for What you Want – and Set Yourself Up for Success

Recently I received an e-mail from Courtney Phillips, asking if she could submit an article to this blog. I don’t know Courtney, but what I do know is that she took the initiative to ask me, and then she answered the questions I had, and she followed up with me exactly as I requested her to. To me, these are most critical components to success: (1) asking, and (2) politely and consistently following up. So here’s to Courtney – I wish her the best of luck in her endeavors, and here’s what she has to say about success:

Setting Yourself Up for Success

When it comes to dealing with clients, there are many things that can go right and just as many that can go wrong. Setting yourself up for success can be far easier than you think if you make preparations and work hard at getting the right things in place from the beginning. Take your business and rapport with your clients to the next level with a few simple modifications to the way you do business as usual.

Visualize the Outcome

Knowing where you are headed is one thing; seeing it happen is a completely different way of thinking. Take time to visualize the outcomes of events throughout your day including meetings, presentations, and even the daily commute. When you actually sit back and work your way through the day mentally, you are being proactive at the core level. Don’t confuse this with dreaming or wishful thinking. Work on using your mental faculties to anticipate your day regularly and you will soon see the benefit of doing so.

Get Time on Your Side

Nobody knows you better than you do. That said, if you are better on your feet in meeting during mid-morning, schedule your most important appointments at those times. If you know that post-lunch meetings aren’t going to work well for you, then change things up. You want to bring your “A game,” so set your self up for success by playing on your strengths. Use time to your advantage and see how your interactions with clients and colleagues transform.

Create a Relaxing Environment

In business, we often spend as much or more time at the office as we do at our own homes. However, rarely do we find offices that give off that “home away from home” feel. Consider that the more comfortable you are in your own office, the more likely you are to be productive and happy. Use subtle scents, colors, artwork, and even soft music to enhance the feel of your office. Keep things clean, organized, and clutter-free and you will soon notice the difference that these changes will make in your work day.

Treat Clients as Guests

Strategically speaking, it is always best to hold meetings on your own turf. Having a relaxing environment to meet in will speak volumes to your clients about the type of person you are. Treat each client as you would a guest in your home and be sincere and deliberate with your actions. Conduct business as usual and rest assured that your improvements will reap benefits soon enough.

This post was contributed by Courtney Phillips, who writes about how to obtain bachelors degree online. She welcomes your feedback at CourtneyPhillips80 at gmail.com . Courtney taught for a couple of years before becoming interested in freelancing, as writing has always been of interest to her. Courtney writes for a couple of websites concentrating on education and health and writes from past experiences, knowledge, and research.

2009-04-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

When what Works stops Working - Adapting to Change

Everything was going fine, in fact it was easy, and I decided it was time to take it to the next level. I was confident and ready to move. But as soon as I decided, the level I was standing on collapsed. After eight years of coaching, all I had to do was show up at a couple of professional organizations to speak each quarter, stay in touch with my clients and business network, and clients showed up. But suddenly, they slowed down – big time.

So, I figured, well hey – with the economy as it is, maybe I need to just “up the pace” a bit. I made three times as many presentations, talked to what seemed like fifty potential clients, and I wasn’t getting hired. Not as quickly anyway. I lowered my rates; I raised my rates. It didn’t make a difference. People were “thinking about it” but not buying. Or they’d buy much less than in the past – just a few sessions or a few months or a lower level program. I qualified harder. I started following up more. Still people hesitated. I listened to what people needed, and came up with new and different programs. To some extent people responded. But it was still too early to tell. Bottom line, I was working three times as hard to bring in half as much business.

I began to get frustrated, questioning myself, resenting the extra work that was taking me away from family, yet not bringing them any financial benefits to make up for it all. I began to feel drained, wanting to take time off, yet not being able to enjoy the breaks, from worry that I was wasting time. One minute I’d be excited about a new direction I was taking, the next minute I’d feel like a complete idiot for things not being easy anymore, but there were no answers. I couldn’t go back, and I couldn’t see the way forward.

One morning I woke up with a pit of anxiety in my stomach, and suddenly I had a flash of recognition. I’m in stage one of decisive change! I wrote about this – something like six years ago. What are the symptoms?

1. Every action takes more energy than you think it should
2. It feels like you are on an emotional roller coaster
3. The people who supported you as your old self don’t really believe in your “new self”
4. Your progress feels like it’s being sabotaged at every turn, both from without and from within.

As soon as I remembered the article, I felt relief, and also like maybe I was moving into “stage two”. When you understand how transition works, and know what to expect, it suddenly seems like you are going in a straight line instead of spinning in circles and you can begin to make sense of things. Here is a link to the article on the stages of change if you want to read the whole thing: Stages of Decisive Change

What does it mean, spinning in change, whether you’ve found yourself here, or been thrust here? The bottom line is that it’s not comfortable and it’s not going to get comfortable for awhile. The worst thing about change is the unknown. You can’t know how things will turn out. You can’t know if your “solution” to the problem will work. You can’t rely on things like focus, because it might blind you to the different opportunities that exist now that things have changed. You can’t rely on things like flexibility, because it might prevent you from working long enough on an idea to see it bear fruit. You simply can’t approach the unknown knowing what will work. And that makes it nearly impossible to plan and allocate resources.

So what can you rely on?
1. Action. Even if you take action towards a goal that ultimately changes, 80% of your work is transferrable, meaning if ultimately you decide to go in a completely different direction than you are moving now you only lose 20% of it.
2. Rest. Most people spin their wheels to the point of exhaustion when they are under the stress of transition, and it does nothing but make them less effective. Each day make sure to stop, and rest, run, veg out, hang out – whatever rejuvenates you. Getting your needs met gives you the energy you need to be confident next round.
3. Detach from the Results. I’m not sure why we fail so much more when we are in transition, but that seems to be the way things happen. This is a time to get used to failing and not take it personally. The sooner as you get used to it, the easier it will be to act, and the more quickly you’ll get to the succeeding part.
4. Get Support. Trying to handle transition alone is like going off to war without an army. The hard thing about getting support is that we are such a self-sufficient society and it feels weak to let others know we need help. There are many ways to get support from joining networking or church groups, to enrolling in transition programs. It doesn’t matter how you get support, but if you pretend you don’t need it – chances are you are slowing yourself way down. (I’m currently running several transition support programs and also have a “transition with me” blog series designed to walk you through the transition process – step by step)
5. Do Something that is Hard for you. The number one thing that will get you through a transition is confidence. A few weeks ago, my son’s martial arts teacher told the kids, “the way to get confidence is to do something that is hard for you”. If you do ONE thing that is hard for you every day, how much more confident would you be? And, as a result what would change about your transition?

So this is what I have been doing – something hard for me each day. I can’t tell you how my story will turn out, because I haven’t made it all the way through this transition tunnel. But today I committed to sharing my transition with clients and readers in a blog series called “transition with me”. I figure we can connect and work through this transition together in an e-community just as easily as any other support system. I hope you check it out and enjoy your process more for going through it with me.

2009-03-17T20:47:00.000-07:00

Why I’m Passionate About Coaching Groups

The majority of people who change jobs, start companies, quit smoking, go on a diet, or start any big initiative, tend to go it alone. I tend to do this as well, falling into the mental trap of dismissing support, almost as if it were an admission of failure. But one thing I’ve learned in the past few years is that leveraging the positive energy of others is like swimming with the current. The struggle disappears, and it feels like “riding the wave” of success.

Consider this:

1. According to Richard Bolles (http://www.jobsletter.org.nz/jbl14010.htm), sending out resumes randomly has about a 7% success rate, which you can increase to 69% by using a more proactive method. Being proactive with a group of other job hunters increases the success rate even more… to 84%.

2. Estimates for small business survival range from the standard “90% of all new businesses fail” to “3 out of 5 survive the first four years”. But a study from the University of Munich found that entrepreneurs who receive support from a network are more successful than those who are isolated. (Josef Brüderl and Peter Preisendörfer)

3. In his famous book, "Think And Grow Rich," Napolean Hill asserts that a key difference that made people successful was being involved in Mastermind Groups that bring people together with different experiences and ideas to collaborate, brainstorm, and provide support to help the participants achieve their goals. For business owners Masterminding can help you model other successful entrepreneurs, and provide you with your own board of directors.

4. Studies have shown that meeting regularly with a support group increases success in just about everything, from tripling your success rate if you want to quit smoking, to doubling your life expectancy when you have cancer.

The bottom line is, if you are serious about achieving any goal, personally or professionally, getting a support system is one of the most important things you can do to ensure your success. With that in mind, the most important question is how to find the right support system for you. Here are some important tips:

1. Although this may seem counterintuitive, it’s best to join a group of acquaintances who do not have an emotional investment in the decisions you make. Family members, good friends, and work associates will be influenced by the relationship they already have with you.

2. It’s good to have a diverse group with one to three key themes in common. For example, you may share a desire to succeed professionally, but your individual goals and areas of expertise vary widely. This provides you with an innovative environment where you can take advantage of completely different perspectives, and also enables you to build strong relationships based on shared values.

3. The most successful groups normally have a professional facilitator managing time and group dynamics, and this allows the group members to immerse themselves in the conversation without worrying about “playing host”. If you choose not to use a trained facilitator, it’s still important to set clear guidelines that create a safe and mutually respectful environment for all participants.

I’m passionate about groups, not only because they make sense, but because being a part of the right group can change your life. If you’ve ever been part of a project team that pulled something amazing off against all odds, or had that feeling of being a valuable part of something important that was much bigger than yourself, you might get a sense of what I’m talking about. It’s a feeling that can’t be described in writing, but it makes you feel powerful, confident, and capable of doing much more than you would have ever imagined on your own, and what’s more – those feelings are translated into real action and results.

If you have been wondering about getting involved with a group to accelerate your success, please feel free to send me a personal e-mail at nahid@aspyrre.com or give me a call at (949) 495-1021. I would love to talk with you more about your situation, and would be happy to share information on groups I am starting or provide you with additional guidelines if you’d like to start your own.

2008-11-09T09:13:00.000-08:00

How your Identity Impacts your Success

You may have noticed that it’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog entry. There is a good reason for this: in July, I made the decision to pull my children out of daycare. I took the month of August off work, and drove around the United States with them, through 25 states, visiting family, friends, museums, and historical sites. We got home in time for school to start, and I did not re-enroll them in after school daycare, choosing instead to compress my business into the hours they are at school, and devoting the afternoons to being a parent. My business motto has been “twice the revenue in half the time”. We’ll see how that actually pans out over the next year or so, but meanwhile, it has been an interesting lesson in productivity, efficiency, and surprisingly, personal identity.

On the surface, it’s been fairly clear how to prioritize my tasks, schedule my days, and make the changes required to navigate this transition. The real struggle completely caught me off guard – it was this internal sense of vague confusion over what makes me a success. I’ve had spurts of frustration and irritation that seem to come out of nowhere, and after several bouts of thinking things through it hit me that my business transition has knocked me into a mini-identity crisis.

I don’t know if we realize how tied we are to our identity until it changes. In retrospect, I know that when I started my business, the personal identity I globbed onto was “successful entrepreneur”. Statistics or not, I was not willing to fail at building a viable business that I could be proud of. All my feelings of self-worth were wrapped up in the business. Once it gathered enough momentum and I crossed that “survival” line, new questions started nagging at me, and the main one was “how am I doing in my role as parent”? I don’t think I was quite satisfied with the answer, and this began the drive to change into what I wanted my new identity to be: both a successful business owner and a successful parent.

When I work with professionals in transition, I find that loss of identity is one of the biggest contributors to the stress and emotional struggle they experience while they are out of work. I also notice that the clients I coach are going to naturally behave in ways that are in line with their personal identity, and if they don’t strongly identify with the role they are moving toward, it’s almost impossible for them to succeed.

When you think about your own success, it’s important to know what roles you have defined for yourself, and what they mean to you. For example, I when I watch other parents, I see a wide variety of ways each individual defines success in that role. Some parents define their success through the success of their children, some define their success by the amount of time they spend with their children, some by the kind of relationships they have with their children. At work, some define success by how much money they bring in, some by what they are building and the impact they are having on the world, some by the level of power in their organization, some by how much they are learning – we are all different.

If you are struggling at work or in any area of your life, you may want to write down the roles you see yourself playing, and how you define success in each of those roles. Just taking a moment to ask yourself who you are and who you want to be brings assumptions to the surface, and may reveal the source of any frustration or confusion you feel in your current role.

The bottom line is that we really aren’t any of the roles we play, and the roles we play in life change many times. Our identity is what we make up in our mind about the roles we are playing currently, and how we define success in that role. If you are feeling successful in life, you probably fit well into how you define success. If you are feeling frustrated or unsuccessful, there is a good chance that you feel “out of synch” with your definition of who you “should” be and what success in that role means.

How to get back “in synch”? Well, you can change your behavior, or you can change your definition of success, or you can look deeper for something that means more to you than the current role you are playing. If you’d like to talk about this, or anything else related to your success, don’t hesitate to write or call. These are the big questions that take time to think about, but make the difference in your success, personal fulfillment, and overall life satisfaction.

2008-07-23T15:08:00.000-07:00

How to Deal with a Micromanaging Boss

Bosses are tough to deal with in general. They represent authority, and they often bring back memories of what we hated most in our relationships with our parents and teachers growing up. The micro-managing boss is especially hard to handle if you are creative, innovative, and want to make a contribution of your own in an organization. But since quite a few people in management positions fit this profile, chances are you will end up with one at some point in your career. Here are some tips to help you get the space you need to thrive:

1. Understand that micromanaging behavior is driven by the positive characteristics of conscientiousness, diligence, and responsibility; it’s just that they have been taken to an extreme. People often confuse themselves with the quality of the work they produce. As long as they can control the quality of their work, they are ok, but as soon as they have to depend on others for results, they are faced with the fear of representing sloppy or substandard output. Since putting out less than excellent work is SO personally humiliating, they need constant reassurance that the team is performing. Keep in mind that behavior such as constant checking on your progress or reviewing your work has NOTHING to do with how well you perform. It is about your boss, who has gotten so caught up in his or her fears and needs for reassurance that he or she is not aware of how this behavior may be impacting you.

2. You can give yourself space by playing to their standards for excellence and needs for reassurance. Initiate a conversation about expectations and standards of work output, and make sure your boss is clear about where your standards are. If you have a difference of opinion, get it talked out and come to an agreement about what standards you are both comfortable with. Then COMMUNICATE. It’s natural to react to micro-management by doing everything possible to avoid communication. But that just plays into the vicious circle of mutual mistrust and escalates the problem. If you develop a habit of sending a short e-mail on a daily or weekly basis that gives your status on a project and how you are handling situations, the boss gets a stream of continuous reassurance, and wont feel a strong need to check in.

3. Once you have developed a certain degree of trust with your boss, you may want to take it to the next step, and that is providing feedback on the impact of the micromanaging behavior. For example, “I notice that you have redone my last three powerpoint presentations. I understand your desire to have us represented in a positive light, but you may not realize that you are sending a subtle message, that I can’t do powerpoint presentations, and that makes me feel less excited about doing them well in the first place. Is there something specific you are noticing about the way I do my presentations that does not meet the standards we agreed on related to our work?”

Unfortunately, the micro-managing boss ends up fulfilling his own fears. As he takes more responsibility for the work of the team, the team feels completely disempowered and loses the motivation to produce their best work. Soon they are complaining and doing very little, and he is fretting about how they don’t care and he has the weight of more than one job on his shoulders. It may take several attempts to help him turn around, because he needs to let go and allow himself to look bad in order to re-empower the team, build trust, and get to the point where he gets results that are better than he ever dreamed.

If you are a micro-manager, or you work for one, anything you can do to facilitate the change will be a positive learning experience. Giving your boss feedback that enables him to become a better leader is a gift he will be forever grateful for. And if you are that boss, imagine getting rid of the experience of being overworked and not being able to trust anyone, and moving to a place where you get to work with people who consistently go well beyond the call of duty, and you are so honored to be their leader that you would never consider taking ownership for the phenomenal work they put forth.

2008-06-06T12:18:00.000-07:00

Conflict at Work – Productive or Destructive?

Several months ago, I was reading the book “Five Dysfunctions of a Team”, and learned about the concept of “artificial harmony”. This is when everyone is super nice to each other on the surface, but underneath they have different feelings, opinions, and perspectives that they aren’t sharing. It’s a great concept, because it helps us begin to see what’s going wrong in organizations where people seem to be getting along just fine, but the team is not achieving stellar results. What you learn from reading that book is the importance of what I call “productive conflict”.

Productive conflict is when people openly talk about their disagreements, and they may even get frustrated with each other at times, but they all stay with the conversation and work through it, and as a result you create a solution that is better than any one person could have created on their own.

Destructive conflict is when people go beyond disagreements to personal attacks, and this creates a stressful environment that drains most people and begets marginal performance at best.

If you aren’t clear on how to prevent productive conflict from deteriorating into destructive conflict, the “safer” road is to create an environment of artificial harmony. In this environment there isn’t as much stress, but you wont be getting as much out of your team as you could be, which could be a HUGE opportunity cost.

So how do you create an environment that supports productive conflict, but insures that it does NOT deteriorate into destructive conflict?

The key to this is creating a safe environment, where people have a solid level of trust and respect for each other, which means that when something starts going wrong, they’ll have a tendency to extend the benefit of the doubt to their co-workers, instead of quickly reacting and making character judgments. If they hold on to their character judgments of each other, then whether they express them (destructive conflict) or repress them (artificial harmony), the team cannot work effectively together.

Creating this environment takes time, because people are people and we all have personal baggage. The baggage usually shows up in our automatic reactions to things – especially the reactions that seem to be stronger than a given situation would warrant. Since we all react sometimes it helps to acknowledge this, and then set clear ground rules on how to handle our reactions:

Ground Rule # 1 – NOTICE THAT YOU ARE REACTING
If you notice that you are reacting, you can separate yourself from the reaction and that gives it less power over you. Remind yourself that most reactions come in the form of anger or hurt over how someone treated us in the past. So, although the extreme emotion you are experiencing has been triggered by a current event, it is really about something entirely different. You can’t handle a situation effectively while you are in a reaction, so knowing you are reacting enables you to hold off on firing off that angry e-mail or marching into someone’s office with a dramatic ultimatum.

Ground Rule # 2 – NO CHARACTER JUDGMENTS ALLOWED
Most reactions include a negative character judgment towards the person deemed responsible for the negative situation. But character judgments aren’t the truth. They simply allow you to feel self-righteous and superior when you are feeling threatened. When you feel completely safe, it’s easy to have compassion for people, even when they are behaving in a negative manner. So no matter how rude, inconsiderate, dishonest, power-hungry, manipulative, lazy, or unethical your mind is telling you a person is, you need to understand that your mind is making that up from the perspective of your reaction, and no matter how true it FEELS, it’s not the truth.

Ground Rule # 3 – WORK THROUGH YOUR EMOTIONS AWAY FROM WORK
Find a way to separate from your reaction, and take the time you need, away from the work environment. This where it’s great to have a coach, because you can call your coach, vent, get some perspective, and calm down without jeopardizing your reputation at work by venting there.

Ground Rule # 4 – COMMUNICATE AND FIND OUT THE WHOLE STORY
Once you are calm enough to refrain from saying something you’ll regret later, it’s time to ask questions, find out what perspectives others have related to the same situation, and especially to have a conversation with the very person you were reacting to. Find out what lead to their behavior. In most cases, you’ll find out their intention was completely different from what you originally thought it was.

Most professionals can manage steps one through three, but then go back to work and decide not to “dredge it up” again. That’s artificial harmony. When you don’t have the conversations that uncover real intentions, character judgments and mistrust persist.

It’s only when people have the courage to follow ground rule # 4 that you can create an environment of trust, productive conflict, and as a result, innovation.

For leaders, the key is to keep pushing the ground rules, and moving your team into conversations about issues even when they insist that they are ok. Once they’ve gone through the process a few times, and find out that their initial reactions weren’t based in reality, they begin to trust the process more than their reactions. Little by little, trust builds in the environment, and conversations happen more freely.

And then, hold on for a great ride – because your team will begin to feel a magical synergy amongst them, and they’ll take you places you’ve never imagined!

2008-05-28T14:32:00.000-07:00

Dealing with Frustrating People at Work

Do you ever wonder how much more work you’d get done without the people? And to prove it, do you sometimes go in on a weekend and notice that you got an entire week’s worth of work done in just two hours? Dealing with other people at work is one of the most time-consuming things you have to do. And dealing with frustrating people can downright stop productivity in its tracks.

One of the most common types of frustrating people are the ones who seem to be “blocking” your ability to move forward without any logical basis for their behavior. They might throw up additional hoops for you to jump through that seem completely insignificant. They might get distracted running in so many directions that the team can’t focus on one thing long enough to move forward. They may be polite and cooperative and seem to understand what needs to be done, but then never follow through. Or they may simply be “too busy” to help you and look completely offended and put out at the expectation that you would expect anything more out of them since they are already overworked.

We all have different work styles, and this tends to exacerbate the situation. Sometimes it can be really enlightening to learn about your work style and compare it to those on your team. Although there are many different “work style” assessments, almost all of them group people loosely into four categories:

The Visionaries: These are the leaders who see possibilities, get excited about them, and can get everyone else excited and moving in one direction, but they don’t like to bother with the details, and sometimes they get so many new ideas that they are off and running in a new direction before you have a chance to act on the first plan. If you are a visionary, process oriented people will bore you, and drive you nuts, because it will feel like they are slowing everything down to a snail’s pace while the window of opportunity closes. A good coping mechanism is to realize you need process oriented people to bring your ideas to life and build in the quality they need to stay alive.

The Systemizers: These are the process oriented people who care about the details and get things done thoroughly. They are behind high quality and reliability. Their diligence can make the difference between a brand you can trust and a “rinky dink” outfit. But they take a long time to think things through, and sometimes they are still working out the details of a project when everyone else has lost interest and moved on. If you are a systemizer, visionaries will seem like unstable lunatics, and it will be hard to see the method in their madness. One thing that can increase your appreciation for the visionaries is that they are usually the ones out there bringing customers in to appreciate what YOU have worked so hard to produce.

The Task Masters: Task masters are focused and they don’t mind pushing the team to get things done. Once their eyes are set on a goal, they drive everyone involved towards that goal and have no patience for dragging feet. Of all the work styles, task masters have the least patience for all the “people issues” that get in the way of progress. They aren’t interested in whether or not people feel fulfilled by the functions they perform, or whether people on the team actually like each other, or if things are “fair”. They just want to get to the goal as quickly as possible. If you are a task master, you may be puzzled because it seems like you are offending people left and right when all you want is to get the job done. One thing that may open your perspective to having a people pleaser on you team, is that when people are getting along emotionally, it’s amazing how much more productive they are.

The People Pleasers: People pleasers want everyone to get along, feel fulfilled, and enjoy working together. They care most about creating the kind of work environment that allows people to be their best and perform accordingly. What frustrates them the most is watching members of the team disengage because they aren’t feeling respected or valued, and they often build up a lot of resentment towards the culprits, labeling them as rude, political, or otherwise “unworthy” of respect because of their lack of consideration for their fellow human beings. If you are a people pleaser, one tool that helps is proactively looking for a positive intention behind the behaviors that offend, and taking the initiative to build stronger relationships with ALL personalities in the workplace. This enables you to use your natural strengths to help create the positive environment you cherish, and see people thrive as a result.

Understanding your work style and those of others you work closely with is a first step towards getting more done as a team. You can’t always get away from working with people, but the more you learn about how people work, the more work YOU can get done!

2008-04-17T22:18:00.000-07:00

Taking "Win-Win" to a Whole New Level

I don’t know about you, but even though I really want to be a good and giving person, sometimes I get tired of being asked to donate to so many different causes. High school students knock on my door wanting me to order newspapers so they can go on school trips. I get endless calls from alumni associations and cancer societies. And my children always have something they “should” be selling to raise additional funds for their schools.

It’s not that I don’t believe in these causes, but I don’t like to feel manipulated into buying things I don’t really want, and I don’t like to feel guilty when I say no. I know we all have a choice, and I’ve learned to maintain my boundaries.

This solution doesn't feel quite right though. It still involves inner conflict. In order for one party to get what they need, others must give up at least some of what they value. What if it were possible for everyone to easily get what they need?

Last night my daughter showed me one example of what I call a “self-serving winners circle”. It’s an innovative way to give that feels much more like receiving than giving.

It’s a website called www.freerice.com. The organization’s mission is to end world hunger, and the way they do it is brilliant. They’ve created a fun vocabulary game that is easy to play and automatically adjusts to your level as you go, whether you are a second grade student or an English scholar. The site also has a place for banner ads. The companies who advertise pay and get visibility just like they would on any other site. A self-serving winners circle has been created with three winners and NO losers:

1. Winner # 1 – Anyone who likes to play on the computer and learn something incredibly useful at the same time. Go play the vocabulary game, improve your mastery of the English language, and every time you get a word right, you earn 20 grains of rice for the hungry. That doesn’t sound like a lot, but my daughter and I played for about an hour and got up to 7,000 grains pretty quickly. We were trying to figure out how much that was, and we decided it probably fed at least one person one meal. So not only did we both learn a few new words, we got to feel GOOD about making a contribution to something in the world, and she gets to take a print out of our results back to her teacher and get bonus points in school. To me, this is the essence of the joy of receiving and giving at the same time – freely.

2. Winner # 2 – The advertisers. Last I checked, the google rating for this site was a 6/10 which is pretty high, and my guess is that it will be even higher as the word continues to spread. I’m not exactly sure what the payment arrangement is for the advertiser, but whether it is based on “grains of rice earned while your banner is up” or some other formula, it’s probably similar to what they would pay for putting up a banner on any site. But in this case, they get the added benefit of being well-regarded and actually looked at with curiosity instead of annoyance. Site users wonder.. “hmm.. who are the cool companies advertising on this site – maybe I’ll take a more serious look at what they have to offer”. Imagine using the same marketing dollars to get visibility, increase good will, AND do good in the world!

3. Winner # 3 – The starving people who get to eat the rice that the vocabulary game players earn and the advertisers pay for. The site explains how they work with the UN food bank to make this happen.

To me, this is the essence of “win-win”. It’s about creating a system where everyone who participates truly wins in a tangible way, and no one in the system is giving just for the sake of giving. This is not a new concept. I remember learning about it in economics. Yet, it interests me that people don’t use it more.

It’s like we have a social paradigm that says giving has to hurt a little to be real. So we keep appealing to people’s sense of duty and morality to get important things done. But if there’s a more practical way to get the same thing done with less effort and fewer resources, why not?

My question is, where else might self-serving winners circles be useful? In business, could a self-serving winners circle make it almost effortless to attract new customers? At home, could a self-serving winners circle make discipline effortless? In a school, could a self-serving winners circle make teaching effortless? Besides feeding the hungry, are there positive, synergistic ways to tackle some of the other big problems in the world, like healthcare, crime, or even terrorism?

I think www.freerice.com has created a self-serving winners circle to make feeding the world a good deal easier, if not completely effortless, and I think they give a good example of how to create a system where people will naturally and enthusiastically work together towards a purpose, not just because they believe in the purpose, but because doing so serves them as well.

Self-serving systems are self-feeding, so they are endless. Resources are not depleted, and in fact, every participant in the system is receiving something they need. Because participants are naturally winning, they stay engaged, and the system continues to grow, generating and receiving more positive energy along the way.

Think about the things you want to accomplish for yourself, at work, and in the world. What is getting in the way? Do you need more cooperation from other people to succeed? If so, is it possible to create a self-serving winners circle? I’d love to hear!

2008-04-14T15:52:00.000-07:00

How to Get Cooperation when you Aren’t the Boss

One of the biggest frustrations in a busy work environment is having to depend on other people to get your work done. This can really drive you nuts if your personal reputation, performance review, and future at the company depends on getting results, and those results depend on others.

How can you get people to give you what you need to succeed? Especially if they are overworked, and you are not the boss? Some of the most common ways of handling this simply don’t work anymore:

1. You could send out several requests for help, document the e-mail trail, and not complete your project on time. You could show the evidence to your boss when asked. The problem with this method is that the company needs the project done in order to succeed, and whether or not they understand that you tried, they are still faced with the fact that they don’t have the results they need.

2. You could complain about the person’s lack of cooperation to their boss. However, in doing so, you’ve made them look bad, and while they may comply with your requests in the future so as not to get in trouble, they will not trust you, and may try to get by on giving you the minimum possible. This reduces your ability to put out your best work.

3. You could go talk to the person, and your success depends quite a bit on how you approach the situation. If your frustration and stress have already gotten the better of you, you may end up with less cooperation than when you started. However, if you approach the situation well, you will not only get cooperation, you will have created a long-term ally, and this insures success not only on this project, but many to come.

When thinking about the “right” approach, it often helps to put yourself in the shoes of your target, and imagine times when others have approached you for help. Stop reading for a minute and just do a quick exercise. Remember a time when someone approached you for help and you were more than willing to go beyond the call of duty to chip in, whether or not it was part of your regular tasks. Also remember a time when someone approached you for help and you just wanted them to go away. You did everything you could to get out of it. Write notes to yourself on what the situations were and what your reaction was based on.

What insights do you get from reading your results?

I did this exercise as well, and here’s what I came up with:

When I would be more than willing to go out of my way to help you:

1. I believe in your agenda, goal or purpose. Whatever you are trying to accomplish makes sense to me, and I think it should be done and done well – I’m personally on board with you.
2. I feel that you value, acknowledge and honor what I have to contribute, and I have no doubt that if given the opportunity, you will sing my praises loudly to those who matter.
3. I see a personal benefit to participating. It doesn’t necessarily have to be immediate and tangible. But if I can learn something valuable, or get to work with someone I respect, or even use this work on my resume for ongoing career growth, I’m in.

When I am NOT willing to help you:

1. I think this is your personal agenda and not necessarily good for anyone else or the company. Or, I sense that you are in conflict with someone else I respect, and I worry that helping you would put me in a difficult situation.

2. I think you are self-involved, and will use my hard work for your own gain, without crediting me for my contribution, or even appreciating what goes into what I do for you. If this is the case, I will only cooperate with you when I absolutely have to – and I will do the minimum possible.

3. I really like you and want to help you, but I am so overwhelmed with everything I have to do that I have to prioritize. There are other things that I will get into bigger trouble for not doing, and no matter how much I like you, I’m not willing to risk my job for you. While this situation requires an honest discussion with all available managers on resource allocation, if you seem seriously concerned and willing to do whatever you can to support me, I will still put you higher on the list than those who I’m not as personally connected with.

Once you’ve had a chance to consider how it would feel to be on the receiving end of a request to cooperate, here are some tips to help you more effectively get what you need from others:

1. Make sure that everyone who is contributing to your project clearly understands the purpose of the project, how it fits in with organizational goals, and what your personal agenda is related to the project. If you are hoping to get personal recognition, don’t hide this part of your motivation. People will trust you if you are up front, and it also gives them permission to expect personal recognition for their successes.

2. Make sure you always acknowledge everyone who goes out of their way to help you, and do it publicly, specifically and sincerely. Whenever you are speaking or presenting, make sure to share the positive contributions of others, whether they are present at the meeting or not. Also, send a thank you e-mail that not only acknowledges what was done but shares the value to the company and copies the person’s boss. This gift will be printed out and used many times! It doesn’t have to be contrived to be effective. Here is an example:

“Dear Kathy, I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to dig up those statistics for me the other day. I used them in my presentation to over 50 potential customers Tuesday, and they are exactly what we needed to make a strong impact. I know you have a lot on your plate, and I appreciate your support. – K”

3. Take the time to understand the priorities and workload of everyone you need support from. Don’t just say, “I know you have a lot on your plate”, when you have no real idea what they have on their plate. Make an effort to find out what they have to do. Then make your request as easy to comply with as possible. For example, if you need information, some employees will spend 90% of their time formatting it nicely for you because they think their presentation to you is a reflection of them. If they are busy and you don’t need them to do the formatting, you can request an e-mail with five quick bullets, or a list of the top 10 hyperlinks, or just the raw spreadsheet data. You may also discover other ways to make their job easier, or ways to get the information you need in the future without taking as much of their time.

When you look at who gets the most cooperation in organizations, it’s not necessarily the “bosses”. Most people want to feel respected, valued, and part of something positive. You can generate this in everyone you work with. Give respect by making an effort to understand what life is like in their shoes. Give value by consistently showing them how their work positively impacts the company. Give contribution by helping people clearly see the vision and their role in it. These are leadership skills, but you don’t need traditional power to become a true leader. You emerge as a leader by building the skills and using them consistently.

2008-03-28T19:20:00.000-07:00

Are you Giving Away your Power?

Tax season is one of those interesting times when it’s easy to get into “victim thinking” about money. You are faced with how much you made the prior year, and how much you owe the government. If you are happy with what you made, it’s easy to resent the government for how much you owe. If you don’t owe anything, you probably aren’t earning as much as you want. I noticed myself feeling all sorts of grumpy thoughts as I went through my taxes this year, but luckily I caught myself and noticed that I could just as easily have very positive thoughts related to any tax experience. If I am happy with my income and I owe a lot, I can acknowledge the power I have in earning more than I need, and if I had a tough year but don’t owe taxes, I can be filled with gratitude at the break I get when I need it.

This isn’t just about coming up with positive thoughts so you can have a better attitude. It’s about the impact your thoughts have on your ability to create what you want in this world. When I think that I work so hard just to have the government take everything, I feel drained, angry, and not particularly motivated to continue to work hard. When I think about how cool it is to own my own business and earn whatever I want, I feel powerful and motivated to create more good things for myself and others. How will I behave differently based on these different thinking patterns and feelings? And what are the likely outcomes?

Most of us don’t even realize when we’ve slipped into victim thinking. It wouldn’t be so bad if it just caused us to wallow in anger and self-pity for a few hours. The problem is, victim thinking becomes a habit. Like a drug, it decreases our ability to be effective and impairs our judgment at the same time. It may even be soothing to feel mad, or resentful, or self-righteous, and without realizing it, we get lulled into powerlessness.

How do you know if you are giving away your power? Here is a short sample of some common self-limiting thought patterns. When you notice yourself falling into one of these thinking patterns, you can begin to reverse the effects by simply asking yourself: “By thinking this way, am I giving my power away?”

1. I can’t afford it
Usually the phrase “I can’t afford it” is an easy way to justify a choice not to purchase something. Unfortunately, if you say it enough, you begin to believe that you don’t have the power to make buying decisions. It is much more empowering to say “This is not an investment I’m willing to make right now”, and if you need an excuse you can add: “I’m saving for something really important”.

2. It’s not fair
There’s a good chance you don’t use this exact phrase anymore, but if you notice yourself wondering why a certain person seems to get more back (has an easier life, makes more money, gets all the girls) when you put more out (have a better education, work harder, work out more), you are essentially claiming that life is not fair, and you’ve got the short end of the stick. Negative self-comparison (noticing people who have it better than you) is one of three main thought patterns that lead to depression. If you look, you might notice that you can find just as many people in the world who have it worse than you. When you replace “It’s not fair” with “I’m so lucky”, it’s amazing how fast your energy level increases.

3. I don’t have time
Everyone has the same amount of time, and everyone chooses what to do with their time. We tend to use “I don’t have time” as an excuse to avoid things we don’t want to do. When you don’t have time to do the things you really want to do for yourself, it’s usually because you are filling your time with things other people have asked you to do, and you haven’t found a way to say no. Here’s a link to an article I wrote – “How to Say No with Class” – it might help you take your time back.

4. They aren’t doing what they should be doing (It’s not my job)
Usually this means you have decided that “management” or some other group or person has the power to run some aspect of your life. If it bugs you, and you don’t take an honest look at what you can do to influence the situation, you’ve given your power away. Ask yourself, “What part of this situation can I control or influence?” Then, “Do I want to do what it will take to exert that control or influence?” It’s much more honest and powerful to say, “I don’t like the way management runs this company, and I don’t have the energy or interest to lobby for change. I also don’t have the energy to look for a different job right now, so I am not going to do anything about it”

Claiming your power in any situation makes a huge difference in your ability to turn your situation around. This doesn’t mean blaming yourself for the negative things that happen to you, but it does mean taking responsibility for how you respond and the choices you make.

I actually believed that I never thought like a victim, so my little tax tantrum was a wake-up call. We all slip into self-defeating patterns sometimes. I don’t think the goal is to completely eliminate them. But it’s good to develop a strong level of self-awareness, so that you don’t give away your power when you most need it.

2008-02-26T17:35:00.001-08:00

Energy and Success

There's a virus going around this season that produces mild cold symptoms along with severe energy drain and exhaustion. I just found this out from a client of mine who happens to be a nurse, and I can't tell you what a relief it is to have an explanation for how completely tired and unmotivated I've been this week. Sure, I have a cold, but it still feels a little wimpy to lay around in bed all day with minor systems. I decided since I haven't been sick in a long time, I must have lost the ability to "handle" even a minor cold.

Why am I sharing this story? Because it's a perfect example of how we discount the important role our energy level plays in our ability to be productive, motivated, and successful. Everything in and around you either gives you energy or drains your energy. If you have too many things draining your energy, you won't be anywhere near as motivated or productive as you can be, and you'll be more likely to procrastinate or otherwise "sabotage" your success.

The funny thing is, most action plans don't account for your energy level. When we write a plan of action, we assume we will be at a high level of energy during the entire execution cycle, and that's a set up for failure. A great example is an exercise plan. I might plan to walk on the treadmill 20 minutes a day and work may way up to running 45 minutes per day. After my first week I'm already up to 40 minutes per day and I'm feeling great! Somewhere mid-week two I don't feel like doing it and I figure a day off won't hurt. That runs into two days and when I get back on the treadmill on the third day it's REALLY hard to walk even 20 minutes. And so it goes. If I keep working at it, I might find that by week four I'm easily doing 40 minutes again. But even in later weeks what I'm capable of varies. It's not only affected by my mental motivation (my goal) and my physical capacity (how in shape I am). There's another factor that plays into what I achieve: my energy level.

Energy level isn't only affected by physical factors like colds, nutrition, or sleep. Your thoughts and environment also play a major role. Do you ever look at clutter in your office and notice a physical drain as a result? Do you avoid conversations with certain people because they take so much out of you? Has "just the thought" of a looming deadline ever made you feel like taking a nap? On the other side of the equation, do you ever notice how much more you can achieve when working with people who energize you?

If you pay close attention to where you get energy and what drains you, two important things happen. The first is that you can "stop the drain". Half the time we don't even recognize how many "holes" are in the dike. When you see them you find you can easily plug many of them up. The second thing that happens is that you can get better control of your motivation and productivity. If you realize you are low on energy, you can set lower expectations and take smaller steps towards your goals. When you are higher on energy, you can take advantage of that time and push forward.

We have an exercise in the coaching world we call "What are you tolerating?". The goal of the exercise is to come up with a very long list of everything you can think of that drains your energy. The things on the list can be anything, from a situation in your life, to extra weight, broken things in your house, a relationship, a pattern of thinking, anything that triggers a slight drain. Once you have everything on the list, you'll almost immediately see ways to lessen the drain. If you are up for the exercise, please do it, and feel free to share your "tolerations" list in the comments section, along with what you did after writing it, and how it impacted your energy. I'd love to hear!

2008-02-11T10:54:00.000-08:00

Can you Love a Loser?

This may seem like a silly question, but in it lies one of the most critical secrets to success, both personally and professionally. So play with me for a minute.

Who jumps into your mind when you think of a loser?

If you feel a twinge of guilt and find yourself trying to shove those unkind thoughts from your mind, bring them back! Your thoughts wont hurt anyone, but not being aware of your own judgments will definitely hurt you! Plus, having some examples in your head as you read the rest of this article will help you apply it.

It’s important to be aware of what behaviors or characteristics point you to the label “loser”. Take out a piece of paper and jot down the top three to five characteristics your losers have in common – the ones that put them in that category for you.

Just for fun and personal insight, write the opposite of all of these traits and consider whether or not they are a reflection of your top values. For example, if you put “doesn’t take care of self”, does “caring for self” rank high on your list of desirable attributes?

Now, I want you to think about loving your losers. Not in a romantic sense, but actively seeking to understand how they see the world. What do they wake up hoping for and wondering? What do they think about and struggle with throughout the day? What causes them pain, and how do they try to get their needs met? What do they stand for?

When I ask you if you can love your losers, I don’t mean tolerate. And I don’t mean pity or have compassion for. What I’m asking is would you stand up for them, could you believe in them, could you accept the life they have created for themselves and actually see something intriguing, interesting, or enjoyable in it?

Be honest, and pay attention to your answer!

It provides the key to reaching YOUR highest potential. Why? Because what you are extending outwards is usually about as much as what you are extending inwards. Everyone you interact with is a mirror – what you see in them exists in you as well.

The losers of the world are your greatest gifts, because they show you the parts of yourself you haven’t yet accepted and embraced.

You have probably have heard that believing in yourself is one of the most important keys to success. You may have also heard that confidence and self-esteem come from unconditional self-acceptance. Most people agree with the concept in theory, but living it is another story.

I think the biggest fear people have is the idea that if they accept a negative characteristic inside themselves it means they are condoning it. I don’t think self-love is about that at all. I think it’s about seeing the value in the “negative” parts of yourself, and using ALL of yourself to create what you want instead of relying ONLY on the positive traits.

My husband is into golf, so I find myself watching Tiger Woods and Phil Michelson play a lot. They are the greatest players today, and you know what I notice? How many times they fail. I so admire that they can get up there and fail in front of the world over and over again, yet stay focused and keep going after wins. THAT’s what makes them the best. Look at any sport and you’ll see the same pattern.

In life, these patterns show up as well:
· Are the most responsible people really responsible all the time? Or are they the ones who don’t let their irresponsible moments get the better of them?
· Are the kindest people incapable of being hurtful? Or do they consistently work to be aware of how they impact others, and take responsibility for the times they are hurtful?
· Do the most successful business people always win, or are they the ones who have failed enough so they know how to turn things around?
· In sales, who has survived more rejection, the star sales people or the average ones?
· Are the smartest kids really smart all the time, or are they simply more intrigued and curious about the stuff they don’t yet understand?

Part of what holds us back from success is fear of failure, and even deeper than that, fear of BEING a loser.

If your fear of being a loser disappeared, what would be different for you? And how would that impact your life?

Think about it – can you love a loser?

Copyright ©2008, Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre

2008-01-18T17:43:00.000-08:00

Our Endless Struggle with Time

All my clients struggle with time to some degree. At one end of the spectrum are those who work 18 to 20 hours per day and still can’t keep up with everything on their plates. They are exhausted, they don’t have time to spend on what they love, and they barely have time to talk with me. At the other end of the spectrum are those who have balanced their life, but still worry about protecting what they have achieved, as there are always opportunities to get lured into new commitments.

The time struggle goes deeper than balancing your “to do” list with hours in the day. Americans are addicted to productivity, and sometimes we get our identity from how much we are able to get done in a given time frame. Have you ever had one of those super-productive days and felt a “high” afterwards from the pride in how much you accomplished?

Then there’s the whole problem with everything you do stretching into the available time. You might remove things from your to do list, only to find that you still don’t seem to have time to get everything done.

I did a time management seminar at a client facility recently, and one of the key things we focused on are what I like to call “the underneath issues”. These are the underlying emotional things that prevent you from feeling comfortable in a “non-busy” state. Here are just a few:

1. Trust: If you worry that something catastrophic will happen if everything isn’t handled, then you will constantly fill your plate monitoring everything within your conscious reach that may go wrong. Even if you get more efficient, your empty time will be filled worrying, and you will create new things to worry about.

2. Identity: If your sense of self is attached to how much you can accomplish in a day, then you will constantly be driven to add as much as you can squeeze into the available spaces. It seems silly, lazy, or unproductive to allow yourself empty time, so if you find that you have 15 extra minutes, you will be compelled to squeeze something else in.

3. Connection: If you have a strong desire to have positive relationships with other people, you may have a difficult time saying no to invitations and requests for your time. You may also have a hard time closing down your e-mail or turning off instant messenger, as you wait to hear from people you care about.

It’s not just internal issues that keep us busy. Productivity, hard work, speed and efficiency are among the most important values in business today. And with the influx of technology into our social lives, we have several times as many opportunities to get involved in community activities. No matter how committed you are to living a peaceful life, the world around you will continue to buzz with activity and invite you “out”.

The bottom line is that changing your “time situation” involves more than learning new time management techniques. It requires you to examine your underlying values, and pay attention to how NOT having enough time serves you. Only when you can pinpoint what compels you to stay busy or overwhelmed can you rise above your frustration and make significant decisions that will change your life.

Copyright ©2008 Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre, www.aspyrre.com

2008-01-07T15:49:00.000-08:00

The Perfect New Year’s Resolution

This year, I made the perfect New Year’s resolution. I knew it was perfect as soon as I chose it, and as a coach, I immediately wondered if there was a way to explain what I did, so others can also make “perfect” resolutions. It’s almost easier to explain what not to do, so I’ll start with that.

A perfect resolution is NOT a goal that requires more energy than you have to achieve it.

Most people pick the hardest thing they can think of, the one thing they struggle the most with: losing weight, quitting smoking, making loads of money, finding that perfect relationship or job, and make THAT their resolution. But just the thought of doing what it will take to succeed is draining. Some people muster up a whole bunch of will power and make some progress. Others peter out before they get started.

When I considered my “goals” for the year: exercising more, eating healthier, spending more time with family, getting more organized, taking my business to the next level…. just writing the list felt draining and made me want to stay “on vacation” longer.

However, when I started thinking about how I wanted to live differently in 2008, I uncovered deeper, more important things. I asked myself how I was living my life when I was organized, in tune with my family, and being the person I wanted to be, compared to how I was living my life when I was disorganized, distracted, and not as successful? I noticed a distinct pattern. On my “bad” days I was beating myself up, feeling ashamed of the things that weren’t working, and putting pressure on myself to do more and do better. The pressure drained my energy though, so I was actually doing less, and feeling worse! On my “good” days, I wasn’t paying much attention to how well I was doing, I was just doing. My mental state was more present and focused, and my emotional state was a combination of authenticity and humility.

I decided that in 2008 I want to spend more time feeling present, focused, authentic, and humble, and less time feeling pressured, anxious, ashamed, and frustrated. My “perfect” resolution was to stop the internal pressure. For me, it means that when I notice I’m not living up to whatever external standard I set for myself, to give myself the benefit of the doubt instead of allowing an inner tirade of negative self talk.

Why is this resolution perfect?

1. It doesn’t drain my energy – it excites me! Imagine living life and not feeling negative internal pressure!

2. It’s a resolution because it will require my constant attention until it becomes a habit. I have to consciously remind myself that it’s ok to take a nap or leave the dishes or not send out cards this year. Otherwise I’ll automatically fall back into the negative pressure pattern.

3. It’s in-line with my values and allows me to achieve my goals. When I don’t put pressure on myself, I’m honoring the person I really am, which reflects my values of integrity and authenticity. When I don’t put pressure on myself, I have more energy, which I naturally apply to achieving my goals. This past week I spent lots of time exercising, organizing, and “being” with my family, and it felt natural.

If I am able to keep this resolution, I’ll not only get to live a more enjoyable life, I’ll also have a much easier time achieving ALL of those other goals on my list. So it’s enjoyable and productive at the same time! Perfect!

Your “perfect” resolution will probably be different from mine, but the steps you take to discover it can be the same:

1. Ask yourself how you lived in 2007 and what you would change?

2. Compare the times you were living the way you wanted to live with the times you weren’t. Or, compare your “good times” with your “bad times”. See if you notice any patterns.

3. Think about what parts of the patterns you control. For example, you can’t control the things that happen to you, but you might be able to control how you think about them or how you handle them.

4. Ask yourself, is there anything about how you thought about things or handled things in 2007 that worked especially well? Is this something you could increase in 2008?

5. If you did, how would your life change in 2008? Would the changes excite you? Would it be worth the heightened awareness and conscious effort it would take to make the change?

If so, you may have stumbled on your “perfect resolution”!

So far, I’m truly enjoying my resolution. The trick is to stay aware and conscious of it, even after the novelty of the New Year passes. Keep me posted on what you decide, and how it changes your life – I’d love to hear!

Copyright © January 2008, Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre,

www.aspyrre.com (949) 495-1021

2007-11-13T15:49:00.000-08:00

The Art of Inspiration

I love being inspired. It’s one of the greatest feelings I know – and it’s also a productive feeling, because it leads to positive action.

What I’ve noticed about inspiration is that it doesn’t happen often, and when it does, it’s usually triggered by those few charismatic speakers and phenomenal leaders who are able to infuse a profound message into a group of people, and they in turn absorb it into their culture.

At the international ICF conference this month, I closely watched the speakers who most inspired me, and it was something more than charisma that I connected to. It seemed that each of these people had the willingness to share their truth, even if it might be controversial. They had stepped forth to make a contribution based on their convictions, but they were also humble and human and honest, which allowed the audience to identify with them. And, they each offered a path to share in the contribution. They opened the door, so we could also feel the possibility of making a difference. I’m not sure if this describes the “equation” of inspiration or not – but it’s what I noticed, and I also notice these elements in coaching and in effective leadership.

As coaches, we relentlessly challenge our clients to face, share, and stand for their truth, even when it isn’t popular. We encourage our clients to live life according to their values, follow their dreams, and design lives of fulfillment and contribution. And, we open the door of possibility by witnessing and holding them accountable to their vision of success. The most powerful leaders mobilize groups around a common vision, and enable individuals in the group to connect their personal identities to making it happen. It enables individuals to become part of something bigger than themselves; it feels good and does good at the same time.

Have you ever wanted to be inspiring? If you are a leader, it can make all the difference in the world, and I don’t think it’s rocket science. I think it’s more about having the courage to be yourself and stand up for what you believe in. Cliché words – easy to say – way more difficult to do. Most of us can’t even see ourselves, and when we do look, we more often than not immediately react by wincing and changing the subject. Being yourself is NOT easy. But it IS powerful.

Think of all the people who have inspired you. I would love to hear your thoughts on inspiration and what is at the source of it. Share a lot on this one, it’s worth a discussion!

2007-09-24T12:58:00.000-07:00

Swimming in Confusion

Confusion can be the most frustrating obstacle a person can face, because it completely stops you from moving forward. I actually believe that confusion shows up as more of a "symptom" than a core obstacle, which makes it even more confusing, because it's more difficult to get to the source!

Sometimes I have clients tell me that they are confused, and by the end of the call they feel clear, focused, and excited to take action and move forward. But then when we talk the following week, they are confused again, often about the same issue, and the commitments they made on the prior call seem insignficant or irrelevant.

My initial reaction to confusion is to look at the situation logically, by asking questions that bring the goal and the obstacles to the surface, so we can make a plan that works. However, if, after coming up with a plan, the same questions come up over and over again - it's a waste of time to look for a logical solution to the obvious question. It's time to go deeper, and find out what's "behind" the confusion.

Here are some things I've discovered behind confusion:

1. Fear of acknowledging that we really want something and we might not have what it takes to make it happen. I think this is why career-changers get tongue tied at the question, "so what are you looking for?" They don't want to say, "Well, I really want to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company," and face the "are you out of your mind?" look. So instead of saying that, they say, "well I'm open to anything that gives me experience and opportunity", and get a blank look. I think the way around this one is to accept the fact that you probably DON'T have everything it takes to get what you want, but no matter who you are, you have the same right as everyone else to reach for the stars, and chart out a path to a challenging destination. And, if you choose a direction towards what you really want, the experience you get will be relevant to what you want, and you'll be surprised at how many new opportunities will come up. And also, to avoid the judgmental looks, you can always use the word "eventually". In your mind eventually can mean a few months, but nobody else has to know that.

2. Fear that if we make the wrong decision, we'll miss out on the life we were supposed to live. Every day we miss out on something, whether we acknowledge it or not. There's only one thing we don't miss out on in any given moment, and that is that moment. Would you rather make the most of the moment you are in, or live with continuous regrets over all the imagined moments you are missing? Successful people aren't successful because they make the right decisions; they are successful because they make the most of their situations. Honestly, one life path isn't THAT different from most of the others. And there are SO many paths that lead to the same destination that it's kind of impossible to ruin your chances at anything, even after blowing a few key opportunities.

3. Fear that if we live our lives the way we really want to, we'll be a huge disappointment to those whose opinions we care about. The problem with this one is that we are so caught up in being who we think we should be that we can't see who we really are. It takes courage to let go of other people's opinions, but it IS possible, and as you do, it's amazing how much more clearly you can see yourself and know what you want.

I wrote an article on my website about confusion, and some additional ways to get yourself the clarity you need. Here's the link if you are interested: http://www.aspyrre.com/confusion01.htm

I think if there's one message I'd like to get accross today, it's how lethal confusion can be, and how important it is to find enough clarity to be effective in your life. It's not always easy to figure things out, but it's always worth the effort.

2007-09-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

Trust is a Verb

Who can you really trust? It's an interesting question, because it really depends on how you define trust. If your criteria for trust is that a person will never hurt you, let you down, or do something that impacts you negatively, then I think the answer is you can't trust anyone.

In human relationships, the closer we get, the more we open up to each other, and the more comfortable we get exposing our dark side. And part of that dark side includes allowing out some of those immature, reactive behaviors that need to be expressed in a safe place. So, when you think about it, the people who hurt you the most tend to be the people you are closest to.

You could say that your criteria for trusting a person is knowing that you can share the ugliest parts of your dark side and still be loved. But we know that's not necessarily a fail safe policy either. Relationships end and even families separate when the dark side gets too dark.

Trust is a verb. It's a choice to take a chance on someone, and allow them to slip up once in awhile, even if you know you might get hurt. I'm talking about close relationships right now, but this applies everywhere, including at work.

Those controlling micro-managers we all struggle with? Usually that control comes from fear that if they let go, the work will not meet their standards, and it will make them look bad. If they see trust as a privilege, conditional on not making any significant mistakes, they'd continuously prove themselves right. It's simply not possible for the team to produce work that is exactly as the boss has envisionned it. As soon as the boss tries to delegate, and someone makes a mistake, or puts something out that doesn't quite go right, the boss "realizes" that he was right and couldn't trust the team, reacting by jumping in to micro-manage some more.

But if trust is a proactive choice, then a micro-managing boss could change by setting clear standards and choosing to trust the team. That choice is a decision to allow the team to make mistakes, and a willingness to face the consequences if the work produced falls short. That willingness to "take the fall with the team", plants a seed of empowerment, allowing trust to build as the team realizes that now the "buck" stops with all of them. Everyone gets hurt when they don't work together. Eventually it's no longer about the boss, it's about the team, and there is no longer a need to micro-manage.

Trust is not about whether or not you will get hurt, it's about whether or not you have the courage to risk getting hurt, and the humility to forgive in advance the hurts that will ultimately be a part of any strong relationship. It's about accepting that we are all human and we all do our best most of the time. Except when we have no energy left to do our best, and we crash.

Who are you willing to trust?

What do you think will change in your life as a result?

2007-06-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

What gets in the way of successful coaching?

Recently, I particpated in a study that attempted to measure the key factors that determine success in an executive coaching engagement. When I compared what I consider to be my “successful” vs “unsuccessful” coaching engagements, I don’t believe the survey enabled me to get to the crux of what I believe made the real difference, but it certainly made me think seriously about the issue.

To me: “Successful” meant that they were able to make significant behavioral changes and become more effective within their organizations at achieving their goals. “Unsuccessful” meant that they were not able to change the behavior patterns that got in the way of their success.

What happened in the successful engagements is that they were emotionally open and ready to change a way of looking at the world that wasn’t serving them anymore, and as a result, they could change the way they interacted in the world. The reason they were able to do this may have had to do with my coaching skills, but there were two additional factors: (1) how “deep” the negative paradigm was ingrained, and (2) how personally threatening it was for them to let go of it.

In successful engagements, the shifts that were required were mostly non-threatening and not too deep, and when they were, the client had a lot of personal courage and trust in me, and they were ready to dig into some of their dirt. Some of this is related to how experienced I am as a coach, because I create the safe and trusting environment, but if they aren’t ready to see things differently, they wont be able to – no matter what I say or do.

In the unsuccessful engagements, most clients were trapped – stuck tight in negative belief patterns they couldn’t break out of. For example:

One client was very talented, but so locked in a power struggle with his boss that as soon as he started succeeding he had to sabotage himself. In this case he would have never succeeded with this boss, but if I’d had more time with him, we might have at least gotten him some clarity and tools to understand what drove the sabotage.

Another two clients were doing very well until they got to a point in their coaching where it got too scary for them and they weren’t ready to go any further. With one, I suggested a 360 and it scared him, because he didn’t want to see the feedback from his team. So he started slowing down and avoiding the sessions. With another, she had a conflict with someone and created a villain story she did not want to let go of. Since conversations with me forced her to take responsibility for her role in this conflict, she went into avoidance mode and ended the sessions.

In the most successful engagements, we either did not run into these brick walls or the client had the courage to face them. So in these cases, success often has more to do with the client’s courage and commitment to going below the surface issue and addressing the real issue than whether or not they show up to sessions. While two of my clients handled their fear by pre-maturely ending the sessions, the others were very committed on the surface but kept dancing around the real issues until they couldn’t anymore.

Where the coach’s experience comes in is here: When I was less experienced, I allowed my clients to lead me around and around in circles above the real issue. Now that I’m more experienced I am able to cut through to what’s more important earlier.

I think what's important about that is that for clients who really aren't ready to make a significant change, they either wont engage at all or we'll hit the brick wall within the first few sessions, and we wont waste time and money dancing around the issue. With clients who are ready, we'll get there faster and we'll struggle earlier, but results will happen faster.

What does this mean if you are considering hiring a coach? Know what you want to change, and be willing to consider different perspectives and new ways of looking at your situations. It may feel uncomfortable up front, but usually every time you make a shift, you feel relief and you realize that what you were clinging to was just causing you pain.

2007-05-11T16:44:00.000-07:00

Business Owners - Should you Niche?

When people ask who your target market is, do you find it hard to be specific?

Of course you can serve many different kinds of customers. Your product or service can probably be applied to a variety of situations very effectively, and once you understand the need, in most cases you can create a perfect solution.

I know that. You know that. But that doesn’t grow your business.

If you are like most small business owners, one of the easiest ways for you to grow your business is to build a referral network. And people only refer when they easily see a “match” between someone with a specific problem and another person who provides that exact solution.

If you are willing to declare a niche for yourself, you are allowing other people to categorize you. That means two things: (1) you have to give up all the potential referrals who don’t fit into your category, and (2) you will begin to get a lot more referrals than you’ve ever had before.

I believe that most small business owners never make it to step two because they can’t get past step one. At least I know that’s why I haven’t gotten to step two. However, recently, I had two experiences that enabled me to clearly envision myself moving to step two:

(1) I realized that I am not my business, so it became “OK” to have “a business” that doesn’t necessarily express all of me.
(2) I met someone who categorized me, and this person sends me more referrals than anyone I’ve ever known. I realized all these referrals are a good fit, and I wonder why I didn’t allow myself to be categorized earlier.

I still resist niching, but not because I don’t think it’s a smart and effective thing to do. It’s because I’m having a hard time choosing one thing and letting go of everything else. But sometimes the most powerful lessons in life come as a paradox, requiring you to give up something you are clinging to, in order to allow in something even more abundant than you ever could imagine.

Are you ready to let go and choose?

2007-04-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

Scary Conversations

Often, when I talk to clients about very different things, I notice a theme emerging. This week it had to do with avoiding important conversations. It's one thing to read the book "Crucial Conversations" and get excited about how it can change your life. It's quite another to be confronted with a sticky situation at work, and contemplate having a conversation about it. So much can go wrong! What will other people think? What is at stake? Couldn't the consequences of having the conversation be worse than avoiding it?

Unfortunately, the answer is yes and no. The consequences of being defensive or reactive in an important conversation usually aren't positive. BUT the consequences of avoiding a conversation are usually worse. In an ideal scenario, you would have no fear about talking with other people at work, you could talk about anything directly and honestly, and you would also have a knack for being sensitive, compassionate, and positive, even when the topic is controversial.

This isn't a skill you can master overnight, but the good news is that every time you improve a tiny bit, it makes a big difference in your results. Here are a few tips to get you started:

1. Understand the limits of your power. Sometimes we avoid conversations because we think we need to achieve a certain outcome in order to be successful. You can't control other people, so you need to know in advance how you'll handle the situations where you don't get what you want. Once you've figured that out, you can walk into a conversation with less fear, and you have a better chance of achieiving a positive outcome.

2. Understand that people's opinions of you have almost nothing to do with you. Other people respond to how they feel about themselves when they interact with you. If someone lashes out at you, or says something condescending, or mean - it's usually because they feel bad about themselves. While that doesn't excuse their behavior, knowing it's not really about you makes it easier for you to emotionally separate and handle the conversation better.

3. Know that withholding bad news only exacerbates the situation. If people know something's up, but aren't given clear information, what they imagine is usually ten times worse than the truth. When you are up front with people on a consistent basis, you'll find that they trust you, and are willing to work with you when the going gets tough.

Mastering your conversations is one of the most critical skills related to success. Studies have shown that the one skill the most respected leaders share is the ability to communicate effectively in sticky situations.

What conversations are you avoiding? If you were able to have them, and have them well, what would change for you?

2007-03-15T19:13:00.000-07:00

What’s Behind Fear of Success?

Sometimes success is maddeningly elusive. You have the desire and the capability of achieving something, but every time you get close, something gets in the way. At some point you may conclude that there’s something deeper going on. Perhaps you have “Fear of Success”?

Whether we name it “Fear of Success”, “Fear of Failure”, or “Self-Sabotage”, it is fairly common to find yourself is a situation where you are blocking your own progress towards your goals. That’s why setting goals and committing to an action plan is not enough when it comes to building the life you really want.

If you notice yourself avoiding, procrastinating, or having to use a lot of willpower to take the steps required to achieve your goals, you probably have an internal conflict holding you back. If you can get some insight into the internal conflict and resolve it, you will find that it takes a lot less effort to be successful.

I’ve observed two key patterns that produce internal conflict, blocking progress towards important goals:

1. You’ve decided that you want to achieve something, but you haven’t consciously considered all the implications of succeeding, and some of those implications aren’t worth the risk. These implications may be real or imaginary, but the confusing part is that they are not always obvious on the surface. A good example is that you really want a promotion, but this will change many valued relationships with your peers, and also may take you away from your family. You may not have thought through these implications, but at some level you are stalling to protect yourself.

2. You have an unrealistic idea of what success will mean, along with what I call an “emotional hook” to that meaning. It could be that your sense of self-worth is tied to whether you succeed or fail, or that succeeding will finally prove something to somebody. Often graduates feel this emotional pull when hunting for a job after investing a large sum of money into a higher degree. There is pressure to get a job that somehow justifies the expense of the degree, so the job search turns into a search for validation, and the resulting emotions exploit their ability to be effective.

Here’s the good news: fear of success is based on a paradigm, and you can shift your thinking and “unhook” from the emotions that hold you back. If you have something that you have wanted to achieve for a long time, and you wonder if you are sabotaging yourself, here are two key questions to ask yourself, along with a guide on how your thinking would have to shift to move you out of conflict:

1. Is there something about the process of achieving this goal that threatens something you need, such as time, peace, or a certain relationship? If so, you have to figure out a way to insure that you will get your needs met, or you will not move forward. This is easier said than done, but there are tools available to help you with the process.

2. Have you got your ego / sense of self worth tied up in this particular success? If so, you have to get yourself to a place mentally and emotionally where you can be ok with yourself whether or not you succeed. This is also easier said than done, but again, there are several coaching tools available to help you with this process.

What you’ll notice after asking yourself these kinds of questions is that one of two things will happen:

1. Everything will clear up for you, and you’ll be able to move forward easily.

2. You’ll notice yourself getting defensive, angry, frustrated, or confused

If it’s the latter, at least you know that you have some kind of inner conflict or resistance sabotaging your progress. To move forward, you have two choices:

1. You can muster up all the willpower you’ve got and force yourself past all your internal resistance to a successful result, or

2. You can acknowledge the conflict and choose the alternate path of putting your goal on hold, and committing to resolving your inner conflict.

In most cases, ten focused coaching sessions can get you clear on what’s blocking you, what it will take to move past it, and provide you with enough practice to significantly reduce your internal resistance and get you moving forward again.

If you’d like to talk about a goal you are struggling with, and how coaching might help you get past the obsbalces, feel free to call me at (949) 495-1021, or send an e-mail to nahid@aspyrre.com.

Copyright 2007 Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre

2007-02-27T09:20:00.000-08:00

The Power of Personal Vision

Having a vision of what you want is one of the most powerful ways to make it happen. Once you have a clear picture in your head, several things begin to happen that naturally propel you toward your goal.

1. You Think About it a Lot: You think about it several times a day because you want it and it’s easy to think about. Your clear picture pops into your head as you are driving, waiting in line, or eating lunch. As you think, you get new ideas about how you could make your vision a reality.

2. You Perceive Possibilities: Have you ever noticed that when you think of a certain model of car you begin to see it all over the freeway? This is the process of selective perception – a natural filtering process in your brain that allows in the information that is most relevant to you and keeps out the rest. By thinking about your goal, you have made anything related to it relevant, and now you are noticing information that can help you make your vision come true.

3. You Verbalize it: Since your vision is clear and on your mind, it’s easier for you to communicate it to your friends and associates. Talking about it is a huge step toward making it happen. When you share your dream with others, their brains also get into the filtering process, and they send additional relevant information and interesting opportunities your way.

4. You Get Excited About it: Attaching real, positive emotion to your vision gives it the most power of all. Physicists have shown that your emotions emit magnetic vibrations which actually attract people, objects, and events. As you spend time feeling excited and positive about your vision, you will notice things change in your life, almost magically, that make it possible for you to move forward toward your goal.

5. You Take More Actions: The positive emotions related to your vision channel right into your motivation. Actions that previously seemed to be a waste of time suddenly become worth the effort! It’s more fun to get out there and it becomes a game. This motivation overrides most of your internal resistance, and enables you to overcome fears that may have been holding you back.

6. You Clarify and Deepen your Vision: As a result of all the new information you have and the actions you’ve taken, you now have an even clearer idea about “how” your vision could happen. Maybe before you were just thinking of a big house. Now the house is more defined, and you can picture what the rooms look like. Maybe you even have some ideas about the neighborhood.

7. Go Back to Step One: So now you think about your more detailed vision, and the cycle continues and gains momentum.

It’s important to note that we are talking about naturally inspired action here, not forced or fear-based action. To unleash the power of your personal vision, the only real effort you need to make is getting the picture in your head in the first place, and then being excited enough about it to keep it there. This is like starting the engine, which naturally fuels the rest of the cycle. Something to have fun with!

Copyright 2005 - 2007 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre

2007-02-18T11:43:00.000-08:00

When ONE relationship drives you nuts! How to get over it.

Every once in awhile, you will run into someone who gets under your skin. Maybe you are too intrigued for comfort, or consistently angry about how they treat you. If you find yourself focusing on a particular person and emotionally reacting to him or her more than you would like, it’s time to look inside yourself, and see what unmet need the person is triggering.

We all have needs, and we are driven to get them met. Unfortunately, we tend to “push down” many of our needs, because they make us feel vulnerable. Sometimes we are embarrassed of having them, and often we don’t feel like we have control over getting them met. But conscious or not, we will continue to work to get our needs met, and when the subconscious parts of our brain take over, the result is usually less-effective behavior, the kind you exhibit when you are panicking or reacting to something.

In many cases, especially with relationship needs, we begin to focus on one person and decide that they are the only person who can meet our needs. Unfortunately, this practice creates scarcity, and almost guarantees that the need will remain unmet. Even if the "focused on" person tries, they can never give enough. This sets into motion a dynamic where the person with the need is often angry and resentful, and the other person feels drained by the relationship and pulls away. This happens a lot in love relationships, but also in friendships, and in the workplace. At work it’s especially common in boss / employee relationships where the employee is focusing on the boss.

It is important to understand that all needs reside within you, and it is your responsibility to get them met – even relationship needs. This is why we have the saying “you must love yourself before you can truly love another”. If you don’t love yourself, then your relationship with someone else is only about getting love from them, which comes across as manipulating them so that you feel loved by them, instead of truly loving them by allowing them to be themselves.

Relationship needs are satisfied in the energy that is created through connection with others. But you aren’t limited to or dependent on how others treat you. You have a relationship with yourself, and you may have a spiritual relationship with a higher being. If there were no other people on the planet, you would instinctively be driven to create special relationships with animals and plants. Potential for relationship is everywhere, and it’s bi-directional. You don’t just get it – you co-create it. That’s why giving so often feels like receiving, and people are often driven to give what they most need from others. It’s a strategy that sometimes works, and works even better if you are aware of your true motive for giving.

To “let go” of the person you are focusing on, you need to do two things:

1. Identify the need you are trying to get met from that particular person.
2. Get that need met outside the relationship, in as many other ways as possible.

Initially, it will seem like there’s no other place to get the need met, or that the other places don’t matter, but this what I call “panic mode”, where your brain stops the creative thinking process and has fallen into the adrenaline driven action process. To create abundance from scarcity, you get your brain working on how to get the need met outside of the relationship you are focusing on, and the way to do that is ask yourself questions. Here are some you can start with:

1. What is the specific feeling I get when this need is met?
2. What are all the situations where I get a similar feeling?
3. How can I co-create something similar (although perhaps not as good) in my other relationships?
4. What can I do in my relationship with myself to get this need met?

Even though some people aren’t as interesting as other people, there are usually enough of the base components available in everyone you meet, so that you can co-create a little bit of what you need in various different people, which is usually the healthiest and most empowering way to get your core relationship needs met.

At a deeper level, you may have to listen hard to the negative voices in your head. Usually, the biggest culprit in unmet relationship needs is that “voice” that hangs out in your head and talks to you all day. If it’s critical and unloving, it tends to suck more out of you than anyone outside of you. Sometimes the best way to get a relationship need met is to be a better friend to yourself.

The basic needs model is simple – but the process is always easier said than done. If you find that the concept I’m writing about makes sense, but you can’t seem to move yourself out of the emotional trap, it might be useful to get some coaching.

I now have an on-line needs assessment available that takes about 20 – 40 minutes to fill out. If you’d like to take a needs assessment, send an e-mail to nahid@aspyrre.com requesting one, and I’d be happy to get you set up.

Copyright © 2007, Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre.

2007-01-17T14:23:00.000-08:00

Everything you need exists in the world – the problem is finding it

Why do more than half of all employees stay in jobs that make them miserable? Do jobs exist that would make them feel happier, more fulfilled, more productive, and more valued? Probably. But job-hunting is such an emotionally painful experience, and even when you work hard at it, you may not get the results you are hoping for.

Why do so many business owners refrain from hiring, even when they desperately need help? Do people exist out there who want a job, have the skills, and would truly enjoy working for them? Absolutely. But the process of advertising, screening resumes, interviewing, and training, only to be frustrated with someone who isn’t working out, is often too time-consuming to be worth the effort.

Something like 90% of new businesses fail because they can’t find enough customers before they run out of cash. Usually many people exist who desperately want the product or service they offer, and would be willing to pay for it. But the time and energy it takes to find them is often way more than the new business owner has to give.

Why are there so many people in the world who feel lonely, isolated, and unloved? It’s certainly not due to a lack of people wanting more and better relationships...

And, at the risk of being extreme, the problem of starvation in this world right now has nothing to do with lack of food, and everything to do with connecting the overabundance of food to the people who really need it.

How do you find what you need?

As it turns out – that’s not even the big question. The BIG question is: what does it take to decide it’s worth trying to find what you need?

What is most scary to me about the “finding what you need” problem, is not the strategic problem of how to find; it’s the mental / emotional problem of believing that if you haven’t found it – it must not exist.

Even scarier – most people move into “it doesn’t exist” assumptions before even attempting a search. I think the logic and emotional progression goes something like this:

1. I need X, and not having it right now is painful
2. The idea of searching for X is overwhelming, and I couldn’t bear the thought of expending the energy and then not getting the results I want
3. So, X must not exist.

I’m not exactly sure how or why people make the leap from # 2 to # 3 – but they do, and I see it all the time. I think maybe we trick ourselves into believing something doesn’t exist simply because if we acknowledged that it did, then we feel obligated to do something about it.

So maybe, the first mental leap is this. Everything I need DOES exist, but sometimes I choose not to go after it. Sometimes it’s easier for me to stay where I am than to put forth the effort to change.

Being honest with yourself is amazingly powerful. Because then you can ask yourself, what makes it so hard for me to change things? And that’s where coaching comes in.

I’m launching a new program called Foundations for Change. This program is about providing you with the strategic and emotional support system you need to change. We resist change – even good changes. And we start and stop so many times it often doesn’t seem worth it to try again. But with the right foundations in place, and a support system to lean on when you get tired, frustrated, or off track, you can gather and maintain the momentum you need to get to the next level and stay there.

What are you assuming doesn’t exist for you in this world?

If you knew for sure that it exists, and that you have the ability to find it, what would that mean for you?

If you had a support system that provided you the knowledge, guidance, insight, encouragement, and accountability to go after what you want and stay on track until you get it, what difference would that make in your life right now?

Ask me about Foundations for Change – it DOES exist, and you can use it to change your life.

Copyright 2007 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre

2007-01-07T11:05:00.000-08:00

The Step by Step Accomplishment System – Easing into the New Year

If you have a big resolution for the New Year, you may be starting off with a blast of energy, will-power, and commitment. Or, you may find that coming back from the holidays is leaving you a little tired and disoriented. I’ve had the same conversation with many people this week – it goes something like this: “Wow – I’m much more tired, disoriented, and confused than I expected – it’s taking some time to ease into things” What a relief to know that so many people were experiencing the same thing! This reminded me of a philosophy on goal achievement that not only enables you to ease into things, but also gives you a better chance of long term success. It’s a “one step at a time” process where each step builds on each other. The best way to explain it is with an example.

Let’s say your goal is to get organized. One way to approach it would be to put out an inordinate amount of energy in getting your entire place fixed up, and then expecting yourself to keep it that way. Typically, you’ll stay organized for awhile, and then slip back into your old habits. This pattern also happens a lot with dieting. People start with an amazing amount of willpower, and once they have lost the desired amount of weight begin to slowly slip back into old eating habits, gaining it back again.

The “ease into it” process is a method that is especially effective when you are working on changing something in your life that is rooted in a multitude of small habits. What you do is focus on one habit at a time – one that doesn’t require as much energy as changing everything, but will still have a significant impact. For example, you may choose to get into a solid exercise routine before eliminating your favorite foods from your diet. Or, you may organize one room, or one part of a room at a time.

Here’s a quick exercise you can use to help you decide WHICH step to start with:

1. Write a list of all the habits or behaviors you can think of that you will need to change to reach your goal

2. Rate each habit or behavior on a scale of 1 to 10 in terms of (1) "impact" - how strongly changing this particular habit will impact your ability to achieve your goal, and (2) "difficulty" - how much effort it will take you to change the habit.

3. Subtract the “difficulty” score from the “impact” score and use the results to rank the habits in the order that will give you the best chance of success.

Here’s an example for weight loss:

All the habits I would need to change to reach my desired weight:

Based on this table, my highest “ranking” is a 3. That means the habits scored as a 3 would be the first habits I would focus on. Then we have a two, three zeros, and a negative three. So this is the order I would focus on for my habits:

1. Exercise Daily
2. Plan meals in advance
3. Drink lots of water
4. Document and track progress
5. Eat fewer calories
6. Eat slowly
7. Eat smaller portions
8. Don’t eat past 8pm at night
9. Eliminate chocolate and other junk food from my diet

As I master each habit, I can move on to the next habit, and when I begin to falter I back track and re-establish the earlier habits. This builds a foundation for success and ingrains habits for the long term.

It doesn’t work for all goals, but it’s a great process for creating a long term behavior change program with a high chance of success. Try it out and tell me what you think!

Copyright © 2007 Aspyrre Nahid Casazza

2006-11-27T13:26:00.000-08:00

The Power of Gratitude

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. As a busy adult, I have a stress to joy quotient related to every holiday. For Thanksgiving, my stress investment is an extra trip to the grocery store, and a tad more cooking and cleaning than usual on Thursday morning. The payback in joy is a nice relaxing meal with conversation, wine or beer, football, pie, perhaps a few games, maybe a movie, and lots of lounging on big cushy furniture around a fireplace, because the HUGE four-day weekend has only just begun. I don’t have to do laundry, homework, or bathe the children. No other holiday gives me as much joy in exchange for my efforts.

Of course, since Thanksgiving is dedicated to gratitude, I always spend a few minutes thinking about “what I’m grateful for”. But this year, for the first time, it struck me how powerful the feeling of gratitude really is. And, how useful it can be when it comes to success – both personally and professionally!

In our family, we go around the table and each person says something that he or she is grateful for before we start our meal. Some talk about love, health and family, others joke about beer and football, and some share a positive event from that year. More often than not, people are preoccupied with dinner prep, or uncomfortable speaking in front of the group, so although they do their best to say something appropriate, I wonder if the actual feeling of gratitude has a chance to emerge.

I know for me, more often than not, it doesn’t. I do my best to say something honest – whatever comes to mind at the time. And meanwhile, I’m watching to make sure one child has his drink in a safe place, the other is actually eating turkey before pie, and the guests all have drinks, silverware, and napkins.

But later, when I’m relaxing by the fire, I do have a chance to experience real gratitude. I watch the children play a game with their uncle. I’m grateful for the opportunity to sit back and enjoy their faces, pay attention to how small their hands and feet are, and listen to their voices and expressions, realizing how quickly they grow up. On the surface, this may seem like just a moment for me to notice and appreciate and smile.

But here’s the power: That moment of gratitude relaxes my muscles, changes my mood slightly, and when the kids come over to be close they get more hugs, cuddling, affection, and attention. How does that impact them?

My gratitude towards my brother (the uncle) for engaging with the children replaces my usual relatively impatient and critical “big sister” attitude with more appreciation, respect, and kindness. How does that impact him?

I notice that my husband does more than half of the food preparation and clean up, which gave me the opportunity to sit back and relax in the first place. I feel lucky that we work so well together on a meal. How does that impact our relationship?

Take this one step further. More appreciation in the house relaxes the moods of all the adults. They feel more at peace and have more patience with the children. The children feel safe in an environment where the adults are happy. Work gets done easier. Stress levels stay down. People are ok just being themselves. What are the physiological affects? The impact on everyone’s health? I could go on and on.

Maybe one moment of gratitude in one person doesn’t make a huge difference in the dynamics of a family, but it does generate a significant shift. It produces a slight change in energy level, and several subtle shifts in behavior, each impacting other people, and building stronger, safer relationships.

What if just one person experienced a genuine moment of gratitude just one or two times each day? Would that impact the family dynamics? You bet. And if family relationships are impacted positively, how does that, in turn, impact each person’s individual sense of well-being? And, how does each person’s individual sense of well-being impact their personal level of success in the world, or their ability to impact others in a positive way?

Your own gratitude can have a positive impact even if the others in your family don’t cooperate. Most people don’t pay attention to their emotions, so they react. They react first to their own thoughts, but if their own thoughts don’t produce any strong emotions, they react to the emotions of others. They enjoy themselves around the life of the party, they feel drained when loved ones argue, they respond positively to attention and appreciation from others, and they feel insecure when others overlook or ignore them. When you are deliberate with your emotions, you have the power to affect everyone. This doesn’t mean “faking” the emotion you want to create. But it does mean thinking the kinds of thoughts that allow positive emotions, like gratitude, to authentically emerge. And once they have emerged, allowing them to flow through you in your interactions with others, who will almost always respond positively, whether they realize it or not. If you feel genuine gratitude in a group of people, and interact with enough other members of the group while you are feeling it, you have the power to change the entire emotional state of the group.

This works in a family, in a classroom, in a group of friends, and in a group of people at work.

Why at work?

You may have noticed yourself treating your boss like a parent, noticing your employees acting like children, and dealing with peers that remind you of your siblings. In our teams at work, for better or worse, we replicate what we learned in our families. And even if we act “professional” on the outside, the underlying emotions feel very personal and all too familiar at times.

Gratitude is an essential part of any professional success formula. The formula works just as powerfully in any group. It goes like this:

1. Take the time to notice what you are genuinely grateful for
2. Make sure to really experience the gratitude at a physiological level. Notice your muscles relax, and your emotions change to compassion and appreciation.
3. Allow your compassion and appreciation to come out, both directly and indirectly, in your interactions at work.
4. Notice, over time, that people feel safer around you and that you build stronger, more trusting work relationships.
5. As a result of stronger, more trusting work relationships, notice your team extend themselves beyond the call of duty.
6. As a result of stronger, more trusting work relationships, notice your peers talking more honestly and directly with you.
7. As a result of stronger, more trusting work relationships, notice your boss relying on you more heavily for mission critical work, and providing you with more support.

Add that to the simple truth that gratitude lowers your stress and feels pretty darn good too; where do you get a more powerful business tool?

Why is Thanksgiving my favorite holiday? High joy, low stress, and practice with important business success skills, all while enjoying a game of Candyland and a slice of pumpkin pie by the fire. Who could ask for more?

2006-11-13T14:50:00.000-08:00

Instincts or Impulse?

You walk into the office one day feeling positive and exhilarated from a brisk walk in the fresh air, and as you pass the coffee machine you notice two co-workers speaking intently to each other in hushed tones. They notice you looking at them and stop talking, looking somewhat uncomfortable. The exhilaration you felt a moment ago dissolves, and a surge of adrenaline charges through your body. You have a strong instinct that you know who, if not what, they were talking about.

About an hour later, one of the co-workers comes to ask if you have a few minutes, and the adrenaline comes back. You do your best to maintain your composure, and the two of you go to a private place to talk. She begins, “We just realized that we completely forgot about Callie’s birthday last week, and we aren’t sure if she hid it from us purposely because she didn’t want us to make a big deal out of it, or if we should do something this week to make it up to her. What do you think?”

Hmmm…. could this have explained the coffee machine conversation? Relief sets in, and you continue on with the conversation at hand.

But what if you hadn’t had this conversation? What if you kept whatever story you originally created about the “coffee machine conversation” as your truth? How would you respond if that same co-worker sent you an e-mail requesting some information? Could this set off a chain of events, with your e-mail response coming across as a tad more abrupt than usual, eliciting some new adrenaline in your co-worker related to you? And could that lead to less-than-friendly behavior on her part, which confirms your truth for you, and so on, and so on, and so on?

This kind of emotional misfiring happens a lot in organizations, and even more so when we have so much work to do that taking the time to address what seems like a minor issue gets relegated to the bottom of the “to do” list.

As time goes by we begin to characterize and stereotype each other, and it’s hard to tell when someone is behaving “in reaction” to something they’ve created in their head, or “on purpose” based on clear and positive intentions.

If you observe emotional misfiring reeking havoc in your organization, what can you do about it?

1. Watch your assumptions, especially those you make about the character of another person.

2. When someone complains to you about a co-worker, help distinguish between actual behavior and assumptions made about the behavior.

3. Ask yourself, “If I knew this person was a decent person and only had the best of intentions” what are some possible explanations for the behavior?

4. Talk. All the time. Maintain ongoing dialogue with everyone who is important to you at work, so when something does come up, it can be dealt with naturally, and without an excessive amount of time or emotional investment.

In our coffee machine conversation example, a great way to casually check facts is to say something like “You scared me this morning when I walked in and you stopped talking – were you planning my execution?” Generally, humorous comments can give you an easy reality check. The person has an opportunity to respond in kind, without either of you feeling the weight of an “issue”. They might say, “well we were sort of planning someone’s birthday party – which can sometimes feel like an execution – but it’s a secret – so if you want in on it….” and your fears are quelled in a minute or two of light banter. On the other hand, if you try to “reality check” a few times and feel like you are getting consistently evasive responses, it might indicate that there’s something that needs to be discussed more seriously, and you can take it to the next level.

The most important thing to remember is that your truth may “feel” real – but feelings are created by thoughts, which are based on about 20% fact and 80% interpretation. Taking the time to question and reality check before jumping to conclusions can save you a lot of stress and friction, and pave the way to positive and powerful relationships with your co-workers.

2006-11-06T13:34:00.000-08:00

The Power of Questions

As a boss, manager, parent, teacher, or even as a coach, it's so easy and efficient to just tell people what to do. To give advice, suggestions, or the answers. Time is a luxury, so encouraging an employee to figure out a solution for himself, or helping a student learn through prompts instead of a lesson, can feel unproductive.

I attended the international coach federation conference last week, and one of my favorite events involved watching and critiquing master coaches in action. Master coaches are generally able to move a client from point A to point B in a conversation mostly through questions. The questionning process requires that they resist the temptation to tell the client the answer, and instead, use questions to facilitate the client to a solution that is co-created in the space between coach and client.

The skill of moving people forward through asking, not telling, allows the growing experience in the conversation to belong completely to the client. It's not an easy thing to do, but it's powerful, because any change that the client completly owns, sticks. And this skill is powerful for anyone in a "guiding relationship" with others. Here are some examples to think about:

1. Who is generally more accurate, the employee who is given work instructions and told to follow them, or the employee who creates the work instructions for himself?

2. When does a disagreement build a stronger relationship, when people agree to disagree and negotiate a compromise, or when they take the time to truly understand each other's perspective before deciding how to proceed?

3. How many times have people told you things that made brilliant sense, yet you didn't act on them?

4. How many times have you given great advice and watched people not follow it?

Good questions produce clarity, buy-in, commitment, and learning that sticks. But it takes time to learn how to ask the kind of questions that move people forward. You can usually tell the difference between a novice and a master coach because when the novice asks questions, the conversation often runs in circles and doesn't seem productive. A master coach, however, is able to move the coaching conversation through to a productive action commitment in 20 minutes or less.

Questionning well and efficiently takes practice - years of it. But there's no time like the present to start - and even a few well-placed questions in your dialogue with those in your charge, can make a world of difference.

If you'd like to practice using questions more in one of your "guiding" roles, here are a few to try on:

1. What would the ideal outcome be for you?

2. How much control do you have in this situation?

3. If you had more money, courage, status, time, what would you do?

4. What are some of the possible steps you can take?

5. How does it benefit you to not act?

Feel free to add to the list!

Copyright 2006 - Nahid Casazza - Aspyrre

2006-10-22T22:21:00.000-07:00

When is a solution not a solution?

A friend once told me that we all have a theme – something we keep coming back to with each level of personal growth. And it usually shows up everywhere: in your clients, in your writing, in your relationships, and most of all, in the things you are most passionate about changing in the world.

One of my themes, which probably comes through in my writing more often than I’d like to admit, is this extreme frustration I have with solutions that aren’t real solutions. A good example is our nation’s obsession with diets. The problem is that people are overweight. The solutions that people come up with are diets. Most of these diets work fairly well too. As long as they are followed. People will follow a diet for a period of time and lose some weight. And then they’ll stop following it. And they’ll gain weight back. And then maybe they’ll look for another diet next time they are frustrated enough to drum up the willpower.

I don’t think diets by themselves are the solution to the problem of people being overweight. I think the real problem lies in the fact that people eat for many reasons, and not all of them have to do with hunger. So as long as those underlying reasons to eat exist, people will continue to eat unless they are focused on forcing themselves not to. And you only have a limited amount of energy to force yourself not to do something you really want to do.

As long as we think the solution to being overweight is to go on a diet, people will continue to be overweight. The real solution lies in working with whatever drives an overweight person to eat when she or he isn't hungry. Which I expect is somewhat different for everyone, although I bet we have many reasons in common.

The weight example works well for me, because I happen to be overweight, and when I’ve decided that I “need” chocolate, chips, or one of my other “crutch” foods to make it through the afternoon, no amount of logic about caloric intake can stand up to that drive. But I am beginning to understand where the drive comes from (in my case it often starts with shame about being overweight – which traps me in a vicious circle). I’ve written many diet plans, but I don’t think I’ve stuck with any of them for more than two weeks. If some well-intentioned person comes to me with a new diet or technique for losing weight – they’d better start running the other way – fast. On the other hand, if someone came to me today and showed me how to make the shame for being overweight in the first place disappear… now I’m listening because we’re closer to a real solution.

This weight struggle has given me a great gift of compassion.

I understand why my clients say they are going to make 50 sales calls each week… and then don’t. I understand why my clients say they are going to leave the dead-end relationship, but then get back together within a couple of weeks. I understand why time-management programs don’t usually work. Except for Franklin Covey’s. But that’s because Franklin Covey is not really about time at all – it’s about living a values-based life. Imagine that! A time-management program that actually gets to the source of how people struggle with time, and comes up with a real solution!

So when is a solution not a solution? And how do you know when a solution is real?

I would say if it doesn’t work, and you try it again, and it doesn’t work again, and you try it one more time, and it still doesn’t work, then it was probably never the real solution in the first place. That’s the time to look deeper.

Looking deeper sometimes feels scary until you realize it doesn’t mean you have to do anything specific about what you find. All you have to do is be honest about what’s going on, and see if you can step out of the emotions around the way things “should” work long enough to see what’s really working.

By the way, I’ve been working fervently on what I believe is the “real” solution to my weight problem, and I promise when I get it down – I will share.

Whatever your theme is – don’t give up. There is always a real solution somewhere – the adventure is finding it.

Copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre

2006-10-09T14:30:00.000-07:00

Feedback – should you give it when you don’t have to?

I’m reading a book called Crucial Conversations, which is all about how to handle those tricky yet critical conversations that make a huge difference in how easily we get to where we want to go in life. These conversations include things like giving the boss negative feedback, handling an uncomfortable situation with a neighbor, or breaking bad news to someone you really care about. I’m only in the first couple of chapters, and so far the book is great, but it brought up many questions, and one in particular involves avoiding giving other people feedback.

When is it ok to avoid giving feedback? My guess is that many times, the reason conversations become crucial is because stuff has been brewing and left un-talked about. On the other hand, there may be situations where it’s actually better to let things go.

We have countless examples to explore – when someone has bad breath, when something is caught in their teeth, when their clothes, shoes, or personal attire isn’t up to snuff, when they say something that might be taken wrong, when they aren’t handling something that well, when they are unwittingly committing political suicide, when they have annoying idiosyncrasies… the list could go on forever.

Part of being a good friend is being honest, but the other part is accepting each other as-is, with no personal judgment. How do you know when being honest is really just being judgmental?

Part of being a good boss, parent, or teacher is providing feedback, but the other part is creating an environment that is safe enough for those in your charge to make mistakes and learn from them. When is it appropriate to tell your child that the picture she drew isn’t a masterpiece? When does the child stop trusting you because you only say positive things?

When you witness a peer giving a presentation, and you are there for support, do you just give them the positive feedback, or do you share the negative points as well?

Here are the guidelines I try to follow:

1. Be honest with myself. I may choose not to give feedback to others, but I still need to know what my opinion is. Many people hide from the truth in order to avoid inner conflict. I now avoid this inner conflict by allowing myself not to act. You may realize that your marriage or your job is not going to work out years before you have the practical means to make a change. But if you hide from the truth, your inner conflict will find other ways to plague you.

2. Clarify my role in the relationship, and ask permission before sharing. Do you want me to make observations to help you take it to the next level, or do you want me to be here for support and validation?

3. Provide information when it will be useful, and stay focused on ways to use it. Your presentation was enjoyable. If you want to have a more powerful impact, you can do A, B, and C.

4. Separate the person from the behavior or situation. You look beautiful. In my opinion, that outfit doesn’t show your best characteristics because it looks tight and bunched up around the hips. The blue outfit you wore at the conference fell more naturally, and really complimented your shape.

5. Remind the person that I only have one perspective, and it may not be the right one. I noticed her flinch when you made the remark about the tackiness of the postcard campaign. I think she was probably surprised and hurt by the comment, but maybe I am wrong – why don’t you check in with her and see?

6. Allow myself room to grow as well. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to bring an issue up. That’s usually a signal that I have more personal growth to work on. But instead of berating myself for not bringing it up when I should, or rationalizing by coming up with an excuse to justify remaining silent, I acknowledge that I still have more work to do on myself – and I trust that the honest moment of self-awareness is moving me in the right direction.

In an ideal world, we would all be able to relate to each other honestly but not hurtfully. In this world, with all the layers we have built up to protect ourselves from each other, sometimes we can’t come close to approaching the ideal. But the more we work towards it, the better we get. Share your stories and opinions on this topic – and let’s all practice this week!

Copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre

2006-09-29T09:11:00.000-07:00

Intensity and Exhaustion in Business

I know a lot of business owners who don’t mind working hard or being stressed out – that’s really part of the excitement of growing a business. So when I get out there with my “simplify your life – reduce the overwhelm” speeches – they aren’t interested. Sometimes intensity is what drives your passion, and you need it. It’s kind of like needing a deadline to jump into creative mode.

I used to really enjoy talking with my friends about “what makes people tick”. I would spend hours dissecting why so and so might have done this, and what he or she might have meant by that. This conversation exhausted some of my friends. They would tell me, “you worry too much”, or “you take this stuff too seriously”, or “you get really deep and intense”. For them, the intensity of the conversations was draining. But for me, pondering all the different scenarios didn’t seem so much like “fretting” as a fun game or puzzle to figure out. I finally found a friend who loved these conversations as much as I did, and we were a great fit – we spent hours talking and truly enjoyed it.

To me, that kind of intensity is analogous to what an entrepreneur feels in the first few years of a new business. While on the outside it seems like the 14-hour days are going to kill him or her, it’s actually quite energizing and addictive to the entrepreneur, and this is the kind of passion that enables a new business to survive.

But at some point the cycle changes. The 14 hour days have become habits, the entrepreneur gets bored and tired, and wistfully dreams of family and vacations. Work is now “work” and not so much “fun”. But it has also become a trap, because there isn’t anyone else to process the orders, make the decisions, or handle the clients. At this point, many business owners get stuck, and can stay stuck for years. Revenue pours in, while joy leaks out.

One of the most important things I do with coaching clients is work with them on becoming more self-aware. This is why it’s hard to separate business coaching from personal coaching. I believe your level of self-awareness has a huge impact on your business. It effects how clear you are about goals, how effectively you communicate, how quickly you make decisions, how confident you are in your negotiations, and all of these things affect the bottom line.

And the first step to self-awareness is knowing what energizes you and what drains you. Just knowing this can make all the difference in the world, because as soon as something in your business begins to drain you, you can deliberately find a way to get rid of the drain. You either stop doing it, you get someone else to do it, or you change the way you do it. And you continue to pay attention to your energy levels and make adjustments, so that by the time you reach that place where it’s no longer fun to work 14 hour days, you have systems in place and can reduce your hours.

That way, when it’s time to take a vacation – you take one. And when you are involved in a new initiative that energizes you, you happily immerse yourself, even if that means not resting. When you are immersed in activities that energize you – you don’t need as much rest.

Here’s a ten minute exercise you can do to apply this concept – try it and see what changes you make:

Get out a sheet of paper and make a brainstormed list of everything going on that bugs you – even a little bit. We call this the “What are you tolerating?” exercise. It can be a certain person, a way something is being done, a fear, a disorganized desk – anything. Sometimes it takes awhile to compile your list and you keep coming back and adding to it, but that’s OK – the point is to have a list, so you can be aware.

Rate each item on your list by how much it drains you. Top priorities are items that drain a little bit of your energy every day. Lower priority items are those you usually don’t notice, and only drain you when they are brought to your attention.

That’s the exercise – it’s a simple way to bring you to a higher level of awareness around your own energy. And usually, the added awareness will motivate you to make some changes in the way you manage your business and your life. Your goal is to get rid of as many “tolerations” as you can.

If you’d like, you can even make a game of it. Get a team of people together and have a competition around who can get rid of the most “tolerations” on their list. This is not only fun, but it increases the overall energy level of the group – and is an easy way to pull out of a temporary “low” cycle.

If you do this exercise – I’d love to hear your comments on it!

Copyright ©2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre www.aspyrre.com

2006-09-20T08:53:00.000-07:00

Fear and Entreprenuership - Necessary Partners?

Actually, the word that was brought up in our most recent NAWBO (National Association of Women Business Owners) meeting, was "TERROR". We had a panel of successful business owners talk about how they got through some of the major turning points in their businesses, and it was a great show - but the one thing that impacted me the most was a question from the audience at the end.

One of the new business owners stood up and shared the experience of waking up at 3:00am in absolute terror, and was wondering if this was simply a signal that she was at a major turning point. What she got back was universal acknowledgement on the panel - they all experienced the same thing. They referred to the “night terrors” with a little too much familiarity for me. What I heard loud and clear is "they never go away".

Each time your business gets to the next level you think you can breathe a sign of relief. Except now you have more responsibility, bigger issues, and the stakes are even higher. It seems there's no sigh of relief in business - at least not one that lasts more than a day or two. The panel advised exercise and taking good care of yourself - standard stress management techniques.

I’ve got to tell you - I'm not into being terrified all the time in order to have a successful business. I was terrified sometimes in what I called "phase one" of my business. And I actually wrote an article on the "Four Stages of Decisive Change" that speaks to four distinct stages of growing a new business. In phase one you have the "panic elation panic" cycle, a true emotional roller coaster where you are often wondering if you were nuts to think you could start a business. But there are also moments of pure excitement at all the possibility you've created for yourself. However, in my model, once you get to phase two you are also in a different emotional state: lots of hard work, not so much terror.

Does it have to be this way? I know that currently, I don’t have night terrors in my business. I have worries sometimes, and days where there are more balls in the air than I can catch, but for the most part things run smoothly. On the other hand, I’m not running a 20 million dollar business. What if the stakes are higher? What if the success of a sales presentation you make tomorrow determines whether or not you can make payroll next month? What if a critical marketing misstep means people lose their jobs? What if your big investment doesn’t pay off and you are in more debt than your organization can manage?

I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of weeks, and I’ve talked to other business owners as well. Thankfully what I’ve heard mostly is: “It doesn’t have to be that way”. What makes the difference between a business that gives you night terrors, and one that doesn’t? I don’t have the complete answer yet, but are the top three items on my “list”:

1. If you are doing something new, exciting, and scary – then it will feel new, exciting and scary. Understanding that this is simply phase one of a new adventure in your life does a lot to calm things down. And, yes, as you reach one milestone, you will create new ones, but they usually aren’t as charged as your first year as a business owner.

2. If your decisions have a large impact on other people, and that impact has the potential to be negative, it can definitely keep you awake at night. What makes a difference in this case is being honest and up front with people about what they are getting into when they sign on with you, and staying honest with them throughout your relationship. When you cross the line and take more responsibility for them than you can control, the resulting anxiety can be huge!

3. If you’ve got your ego caught up in what happens with the business, you are going to feel pretty scared at the possibility of the business failing. I’ve heard that most successful entrepreneurs fail at two or more businesses, and find themselves “on the edge” of failing many more times than that. It makes sense if you take a look at most successful people. In sports, the best players in the world experience “the agony of defeat” many times over. The best artists and musicians create a few “flops” along with their masterpieces. And they say if you don’t get fired from at least one job, you aren’t working at your full potential. If failing makes you wrong or bad, then the path to success will be downright terrifying.

Do you want to enjoy growing your business without the terror? Then understand the process (

start by reading my article on the stages of change), be truthful with your employees and partners, and get comfortable with failure. And then, get a good night’s sleep!!

Copyright @ 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre. www.aspyrre.com

2006-09-11T09:13:00.000-07:00

Monday Morning Butterflies - Ugh!

I used to always be able to tell if I was in a "good job" or a "bad job" by how sick I felt on the drive to work Monday morning. The problem was, I never felt like I had a lot of options to turn things around. Now I'm in a "good job", but I still get butterflies sometimes, and I've realized that they can mean a lot of different things - but they still don't feel very good. Regardless of your situation at work, it's important to pay attention to those butterflies - because you do have options to turn things around.

The first step is to pay attention. Most people try to get rid of the nervousness by pushing it down or ignoring it. But that takes energy, and while you are busy holding yourself together, what other people see is whatever you display when you are uptight: maybe you come accross as short, snappy, rude, grumpy, sulky, insecure, sensitive, quiet, or pre-occupied. Your "anxious" behavior may be different from others based on your personality, but the one thing all these behaviors have in common is that they aren't warm, attractive, or engaging, and the result is you may be inadvertently putting other people off as soon as you walk in the door. That usually sets additional negative "stuff" in motion, that may even add to your anxiety later.

Instead of ignoring, or even tolerating your butterflies, PAY ATTENTION to them, and ask yourself this question: "What is this about?" Once you have a handle on the source, there are many strategies for turning things around.

You may not have a good answer. Here are some common situations that often cause morning butterflies:

1. You may have dropped some balls in your overwhelm last week, and you are worried someone will be upset with you, or that you've missed something important.

2. The people on your team always seem to have some drama going on that they want you to handle - you have no idea what kind of an ambush might be waiting for you as you walk in.

3. You have a big presentation, negotation or meeting, and you have to perform. You either aren't prepared, or you are as prepared as you can be, but a little jittery about what's at stake. By the way, the most charismatic and experienced speakers usually report "pre-stage" jitters, and many say it's a good thing because that adrenaline keeps you alert and focused for your start.

4. You hate this job, everything about it, you don't know how you are going to make it through the day - and as you drive in you feel a quiet despair as the week looms in front of you.

5. There's someone at work you don't want to face.

These are only five examples of what situation could be behind the butterflies, but you want to get as specific as you can. A great way to "test" if you've pinpointed the right source is to ask yourself the question: "If this situation were its opposite, or didn't exist, how would I feel?" If reversing the situation makes a difference, you've nailed it. If not, there's more. Don't underestimate the power of pinpointing the source of your anxiety - just that in itself gives you more control, and usually more calm.

Once you know the source of your anxiety, there are two parts to deal with: the mental part and the physiological part. Although your thoughts come first, they are harder to change, so sometimes it's easier to start with the physiological part. Here are some things that have worked for me and others I know:

1. Deep breaths - three of them: inhale as long and slow as you can and exhale through your mouth.

2. Do something physical to get those endorphins going - exercise in the morning, run, walk, or even jump or jog in place for ten minutes.

3. Start your morning with a relaxation routine: Stretch, do yoga, meditate, etc.

4. Laugh. Laughter releases endorphins. Listen to comedy or a funny talk show on the way to work, or carpool with your most hilarious co-worker.

5. I knew one person who took rolaids before giving speeches, and said it did a pretty good job of calming down the stomach. I can't endorse this one because I don't know if it's heathy, but it did seem to work.

There are quite a few things you can do on the mental side of the house as well, as soon as you've identified the source of your anxiety:

1. Decide how much control you have of the situation: do you have complete control, some influence, or do you only have control of your response? A lot of anxiety comes from trying to manipulate the outcome of things we really can't control. Once you acknowledge where your responsibility ends, it's easier to let go and relax.

2. Handle overwhelm at work by reserving time to get organized. Ever notice that when you come in on the weekend to clean your desk, Monday feels completely different? Instead of taking time out of your weekend, you may want to reserve the first half of Monday for quiet un-interrupted planning time. One thing I do is reserve Monday as my administrative and paperwork day instead of the more common practice of doing it on Friday. That way I know I'm coming into a quiet day and will be well-prepared for appointments starting on Tuesday.

3. Set boundaries with employees and other anxiety-causing co-workers by blocking out portions of your day as unavailable time. You can pretend you are in a meeting if you need to. The important thing is that you always know you'll have those particiular sanctuaries of time to regroup when things get hectic.

4. Deal honestly with people at work. When you haven't delivered on something, made a mistake, or are otherwise not resolved with someone, take the initiative to have a conversation, or at least send an e-mail to let them know. You'd be surprised how forgiving people can be in the face of a sincere apology.

5. If you are in despair, because this is not the place for you, acknowledge that you may not be able to make a change right away, but promise to take one step. One thing I specialize in is helping people figure out how to find and get work that feels fulfilling and enjoyable, while also bringing in a decent income. That first step could simply be a phone call - (949) 495-1021. Or, I offer a workshop called Discover Work You Love, and I'd love to see you there. (if you don't live in Southern California, it's still possible to take this course by phone and e-mail). Just knowing you are taking a step can make the time bearable - because you've just turned on a light at the end of your tunnel.

Another workshop I am offering next week is called from Overwhelm to Focus, and it walks you through the process of pinpointing the key sources of stress in your work environment, and developing a strategy you can implement immediately to turn things around. (also easy to do remotely)

Sometimes it seems like those butterflies are uncontrollable, but you can make a big difference by paying attention to what is causing them and making a few changes in how you approach work. Imagine, looking forward to Monday!

copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre www.aspyrre.com

2006-09-05T12:07:00.000-07:00

Dealing with Frustrating People at Work - Part I

No matter who you are, where you work, or how many people you work with, you can't avoid running into frustrating people. Some are just annoying, but others push your buttons, distract you from work, keep you up at night, and sometimes even drive you to consider quitting! Sometimes it's hard not to wish you could just hit a "delete" button and remove certain people from their positions, but since that's not always an option, we need some better tools.

There's a process I take my clients through that includes several steps:

1. Separating the behavior from the person
2. Getting clear on what frustrates you about the behavior and why
3. Examining your assumptions about the motivations behind the behavior, and brainstorming on possible "positive intentions" behind the behavior
4. Planning a strategy to protect yourself if the behavior does not change
5. Planning, and then having a conversation with the person about the behavior

The number one mistake people make when they are dealing with frustrating people at work is assuming they can't do anything about it. Of course you can't tell someone what to do if you aren't the boss, and you can't control another person's personality. But there are many things you can do to make your situation less stressful.

Step one - Separating the behavior from the person

"Sam is an arrogant jerk" might feel good for a few seconds but it isn't going to change Sam. "When Sam gives an unsolicited run-down of his accomplishments every time he presents an idea, it pushes my buttons" gives you something to work with.

Step two - Getting clear about what frustrates you about the behavior and why

Why would it push your buttons when someone gives you a run-down of his accomplishments with every idea? Is it because it's taking up too much of your valuable time? Is it because it seems like he's trying to "one up" you? Is it because the boss is within hearing distance and might actually believe his advertisement?

Let's say it's because it feels like he's trying to "one up" you. Why does it bother you? Do you worry that he might actually be able to convince others that he's better than you?

This is a great example, because every organization has a few insecure sorts who boast and brag a lot to make themselves feel better. They are usually not the best performers in the company - and everyone knows it. But you need to be honest about your reaction in order to deal with the situation effectively. If you believe all that talking might actually get this person noticed and cause you to be overlooked, it's a threat to you - and if you think it through you can figure out a way to mitigate the threat.

Step 3 - Brainstorm on possible motivations behind the behavior

Well - Sam could be compensating for his insecurity. Or, someone could have advised him that he should talk about his accomplishments a lot because it's good for the career path. Or, he could be afraid you wont like his ideas, so he's "overselling" by justifying them with his experience.

Step 4 - Plan a strategy to protect yourself if the behavior doesn't change

In this case, you need to plan a strategy to protect yourself from the possibility of others not seeing your competence in the wake of his loud trumpeting. So you plan ways to insure that your competence is established, but in your own style. For example, you may send periodic e-mails to your boss updating her on your successes. This "unhooks" you emotionally from the behavior and frees you to have a productive conversation. If you will be OK whether the behavior changes or stays the same, you have much more power than if you "need" the behavior to change in order to be OK.

Step 5 - Plan and have a conversation with the person about their behavior.

We tend to assume that we can't talk to other people about their behavior unless we are the manager. But really, you should be having lots of conversations about behavior at work. The more conversations you have the better. What you want to focus on is the purpose behind the behavior, and an alternate behavior that would work better in achieving that purpose. The conversation could be simple. "Sam, I noticed that you tell me about your accomplishments when you share an idea, is that because you worry that people might not like your idea?" Let Sam talk. Then, whatever his reaon, you go on to, "Sam, you don't need to tell me all those things in order to [insert whatever he said the purpose behind his behavior was]. But what you could do instead is [insert some alternative behavior that would achieve his purpose without frustrating you]. Let's make our brainstorming sessions just about ideas, and leave the resumes for a time when we really need them. Is that fair?"

In the beginning it can be embarrassing to initiate conversations with others about their behavior. But with practice, your comfort level will increase. And being able to talk candidly and authentically with people about their behavior is one of the most powerful tools in business.

Try it!

copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre www.aspyrre.com

2006-08-31T07:54:00.000-07:00

Should I stay or should I go?

How do you know if it's time to move on? I don't think it's ever an easy decision. Even when you know you are making the right decision, it's still VERY hard to make a change, and I meet people every day who know they should move on, but don't.

In fact, we dug up some statistics a few years ago for a workshop I offer: "Discover Work you Love", and found that something like 70% of all employees are not happy with their jobs. That's a big number! If they aren't happy why don't they leave?

Surprisingly, one reason is loyalty. Sometimes you think you are doing a company a favor by staying - but if you aren't happy it probably shows, either in your performance or your attitude. If they also sense it's not a good fit, they may be praying for the day you decide to move on. Because they need a good legal reason to make the decision for you.

Integrity - this is another version of loyalty. It's not practical to quit before looking for your next job, but it feels like you are living a lie if you act involved and committed by day and secretly hunt for new opportunities by night. I'm big on integrity, so I understand this bind fully. But unfortunately the relationship you have with your company is not exactly like other relationships: friends and family don't usually dump you when it no longer makes financial sense to keep you; organizations must in order to survive.

Another reason is fear. What if no one else will pay me as much? With a mortgage, car payment, and lifestyle to worry about it doesn't feel worth the risk. Sometimes, even in the face of statistics and factual information that prove otherwise, people are convinced that no one else will hire them. And they are simply too scared to find out. So they make up all sorts of excuses to hide that fear even from themselves. One of the big excuses, by the way, is loyalty.

Not having the energy to make a change. I think this is a good reason to wait, as long as you can be honest about it. If you are in a challenging work environment all your energy during the day is devoted to surviving. By the time you get home, there's no energy left to think about making a change, much less do anything about it. At other times, what you have to tolerate at work doesn't seem "that bad" compared to what you would have to tolerate looking for a new job. If you are committed but drained, you might want to take a vacation and use the first half to sleep and the second half to come up with a strategy. Change is tough - it takes a lot of energy even if it's a good change, so you have to be ready, refreshed, and committed. Otherwise it's really not worth getting started. If you want to read more about the cycles of change, here's an overview.

Speaking of getting started, the first step is having a conversation with somebody - often your boss. But if that conversation goes in the wrong direction, you may end up in a worse situation. So many people tolerate negative situations that can be changed because they are too scared to bring their problems to anyone's attention.

If you think it's time for a change, but are finding it hard to get started, how do you get help taking the first step?

Well first I have to plug myself, because this is the best time to hire a coach. You need someone outside the organization and outside of your circle of family and friends who can be completely objective in helping you think through the issues, and who wont be affected at all by your decision. If you'd like an overview of how I work with job transition clients click here.

With or without a coach, here are the first steps you can take to get moving:

Step One: Get an objective person to have decision making conversations with. This is so you can think and talk through the issues without putting yourself at risk. And it can't be a family member or anyone who is invested in the current relationship they have with you. You might not think a good friend will be biased, but if you change at all, it will change your relationship with that friend, and everyone resists change, whether they want to admit it or not.

Step Two: Build a support system. When I decided to leave my last job and start my own company, I started a "success team" to give me the courage to do it. This is a group of people who all have a goal or change they want to make, and they meet to support each other through the transition. It's very powerful. I have run teams like this at Aspyrre, but you can also build your own. Find 4-12 friends or associates who have dreams they haven't acted on and just need a little nudge of support to move forward. Meet at least once per month: talk about what you want to accomplish, what your next steps are, what you need to move forward, and hold each other accountable to small forward-moving actions.

Step Three: Re-assess what's important to you. If you are going to make a change, you might as well make it a good one. It only takes a few days to re-assess your strengths, weaknesses, values, and purpose in life. A couple of good books that walk you through the process are: What Color is Your Parachute? by Richard Bolles, and Wishcraft, by Barbara Sher. You'll be much happier in your next position if it feels meaningful. But don't make the mistake of thinking you have to "find your true passion" before taking the next step. Your purpose can be reflected in almost anything you do, and if you can't get excited about anything, you might need a big break. It's ok to step into an easy non-draining position for a few years - you don't always have to move "up".

Step Four: Get lots of information. There are so many opportunities out there that people never find because they look for a job the "traditional way". Have conversations with people in positions you've never heard of, learn about the companies near where you live, find out where your neighbors work. If you've wanted to go out on your own, talk to people who have done it. This doesn't have to take a lot of time, but if you can devote a few weeks to having exploratory conversations, you'll end up with new ideas and opportunities you would have otherwise missed.

Step Five: Once you've gone through the thinking and information gathering, it's usually much easier to get excited about creating a plan and taking action. From here on in it's all about marketing yourself - which is a whole new article for some other time.

It's really not that hard though. And the big question you need to ask yourself is this:

Am I willing to go to work every day for the next ten years feeling the way I feel today when I'm at work?

You don't get to say "No, but, it wont be ten years..." Because I tell you what, ten years will fly by, and unless something accidentally hits you in the face, chances are you'll still be avoiding whatever you're avoiding now.

Thinking about it honestly now doesn't mean you have to take action now. But if you go through the thinking and information gathering part now, then when you are ready to take action, it will be easy.

copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre www.aspyrre.com

2006-08-30T08:04:00.000-07:00

Selfish or Selfless - What Works at Work?

We're taught to give of ourselves, go above and beyond the call of duty, provide top notch customer-service, and sacrifice to help others. We're also taught that business is a dog-eat-dog world, if we don't look out for ourselves nobody else will, and being assertive, showing intiaitive, and going after wins gets us noticed.

It's kind of a mixed message, and it messes with our value system. So, often I get asked where to draw the line? When do you commit to whatever it takes to deliver top notch results, and when do you say no to requests and take time off?

The concept I learned in coaching school that had the biggest impact on me personally was the idea of "getting your needs met". The best analogy I can think of to describe it, and one I use often with clients, is the safety drill they put you through as you are about to travel on an airplane.

I ask, "When the air masks come down, and you are with and responsible for a small child, what are you supposed to do, and why?" Most people can recite almost from memory, "Put your own mask on first before helping the child," and they also instinctively "get" why: if you try to put the child's mask on first, you are quickly losing oxygen yourself, which means you'll stop thinking clearly and pass out, which makes you no good to the child and actually creates a bigger problem for everyone around you.

Putting your own mask on first seems "selfish", especially if the small child who needs you is suffering. But if you are "selfless" and don't take care of your own need for air first, you actually hurt the child, and make yourself a burden for others.

This concept works in business too. If you are overloaded with work and stressed out - you need rest, clarity, focus, and relief! Let's say the boss (or a customer) comes to you with another request. The selfless side of you can't see a way to say no. How do you say no to your boss? How do you say no to a customer? So even though you can't imagine where you will find the time or energy, you agree to the task. Almost immediately you feel resentful and unappreciated, especially as you watch them happily take off for the evening to have fun.

When you feel tired, resentful, and unappreciated - you have unmet needs, and just like when you don't have enough air, you cease to be effective. It's hard not to feel angry or jealous when you notice that others don't seem as exhausted as you, or when others seem to be getting more appreciation than you. You may think you are controlling your emotions, but if you feel resentful, it's almost impossible to avoid a sarcastic or sulky edge to your voice. If you are tired and overworked, the likelihood that you will make mistakes is increased, and you can't be as creative in your work as you normally would.

You may think your boss should "give you a break" (if you have one), or that your customers should "be more appreciative" of all you do for them. But if you place responsibility for getting your needs met on others, you become the child. Except you aren't a child, and that means you are taking a big gamble. Adults expect other adults to take care of themselves. If you stood on the plane looking around bewildered and not putting on your mask, you might get lucky, and some "with-it" passenger near you, or the flight attendent, might take it upon themselves to rescue you. Or, they simply might be too caught up in everything else going on to notice.

And that's usually what happens. Other people may be willing to help you, but they don't put extra energy into monitoring you because they expect that if you have a problem you will request help. Your boss has a huge "to do" list and may not be aware of how long yours is because you haven't showed him recently. Your customers don't really know how many other customers you have. Most customers envision themselves as your only customer - at least the only important one.

When I ask people for help, I count on them to tell me if they can do it or not. If they say yes, but then they change their minds later, complain later about doing it, or otherwise send me mixed messages, I realize that I can't trust them to tell me the truth about what they are and are not willing to do. This makes my life much more difficult. When I ask them for something I never know if they are saying yes because they really want to do it, or becuase they think they "have to" to make me happy. When they offer to help me, I never know how genuine the offer is. Do they really want to help, or do they just want to be considered a "selfless person"? So that creates more of a burden for me - do I agree to the offer, or do I politely decline because they really just want the brownie points for offering, but they don't really want to do it?

People who don't take responsibility for their needs and act "selfless" because they think they should, really aren't doing anyone any favors. They actually come accross more often as draining and manipulative than truly helpful.

So, does this mean be selfish? Well, I had a client yesterday that created a new word: "self-full" She said, "I really don't want to be selfish or selfless, I want to be self-full". I think she got it absolutely on the nose.

People who get their needs met are actually "self-full". Because their needs are met, they are actually more generous and capable of providing quite a bit value to others. Because they know when to say no and take care of themselves, others can trust them to say no when they really can't help, and are much more willing to ask for help when they need it.

At work this translates into the person who gets enough rest, knows how to say no with class, delegates often, and gives herself the time she needs to think strategically and make a big impact with the few projects she commits herself to. She is relaxed, focused, and productive at work. If you interrupt her, she often has time for you, because her schedule is under control. However, if she doesn't have time, she graciously lets you know - and when you leave her office you don't feel guilty.

Selfish, selfless, self-full? Start getting your needs met, and then decide for yourself!

copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre http://www.aspyrre.com/

2006-08-29T11:00:00.000-07:00

Ideas - a Business Owner's Narcotic?

I was starting to write an article on the sources of stress in business, when I got to "unfiltered ideas", and my mind started racing. I kept thinking of all the stressed out people I know. Some of them have a new great idea every day and feel compelled to do something so they don't lose it. They rush around every day, yet don't feel like they are making any progress. Then there are the key staff members of visionary leaders - the ones with too many visions and no willingness to prioritize. They work really hard trying to make things happen by an unrealistic deadline, and when they return with the results they are dumbfounded to find that Mr. Boss is off in a completely new direction and has simply forgotten to mention it.

Then we have what I call the "prestigious consultants". These are the advice-givers who pad their own ego by sharing their great ideas for fixing the world and everyone in it. Of course the implementation part of it is not their concern - it should be easy!

And the over-achievers who torture themselves by counting all the ideas they failed to bring an idea to life and minimizing the ones they have.

As I wrote my new article "Can great ideas be bad for business?" I began to worry that it might be a little controversial. I mean, how can you knock ideas? They are the very foundation of innovation, and what is America about if not the freedom to make your ideas come to life!

But still - ideas do have an uncanny resemblence to drugs. Ideas FEEL SO GOOD. Brainstorming sessions are some of the most intoxicating conversations in business. And when you over-indulge, all sorts of bad things happen. Mainly - people get stressed out because they can't make them all happen and still have a life.

I think the biggest problem is thinking that ideas are too valuable to let go of. Like if we allow ourselves to forget about them they are gone forever. Sometimes the whole purpose of an idea is to spawn other ideas. Or to help us get clear about what we don't want. I don't believe ideas are ever completely gone anyway. If they are good, they find ways to regenerate themselves.

In this case the idea (or fear) that my article might be controversial spawned the decision to finally start my own blog. And this makes it possible to start more conversations and generate more ideas... ok - so maybe they are more like candy than drugs....