When is a solution not a solution?

A friend once told me that we all have a theme – something we keep coming back to with each level of personal growth. And it usually shows up everywhere: in your clients, in your writing, in your relationships, and most of all, in the things you are most passionate about changing in the world.

One of my themes, which probably comes through in my writing more often than I’d like to admit, is this extreme frustration I have with solutions that aren’t real solutions. A good example is our nation’s obsession with diets. The problem is that people are overweight. The solutions that people come up with are diets. Most of these diets work fairly well too. As long as they are followed. People will follow a diet for a period of time and lose some weight. And then they’ll stop following it. And they’ll gain weight back. And then maybe they’ll look for another diet next time they are frustrated enough to drum up the willpower.

I don’t think diets by themselves are the solution to the problem of people being overweight. I think the real problem lies in the fact that people eat for many reasons, and not all of them have to do with hunger. So as long as those underlying reasons to eat exist, people will continue to eat unless they are focused on forcing themselves not to. And you only have a limited amount of energy to force yourself not to do something you really want to do.

As long as we think the solution to being overweight is to go on a diet, people will continue to be overweight. The real solution lies in working with whatever drives an overweight person to eat when she or he isn't hungry. Which I expect is somewhat different for everyone, although I bet we have many reasons in common.

The weight example works well for me, because I happen to be overweight, and when I’ve decided that I “need” chocolate, chips, or one of my other “crutch” foods to make it through the afternoon, no amount of logic about caloric intake can stand up to that drive. But I am beginning to understand where the drive comes from (in my case it often starts with shame about being overweight – which traps me in a vicious circle). I’ve written many diet plans, but I don’t think I’ve stuck with any of them for more than two weeks. If some well-intentioned person comes to me with a new diet or technique for losing weight – they’d better start running the other way – fast. On the other hand, if someone came to me today and showed me how to make the shame for being overweight in the first place disappear… now I’m listening because we’re closer to a real solution.

This weight struggle has given me a great gift of compassion.

I understand why my clients say they are going to make 50 sales calls each week… and then don’t. I understand why my clients say they are going to leave the dead-end relationship, but then get back together within a couple of weeks. I understand why time-management programs don’t usually work. Except for Franklin Covey’s. But that’s because Franklin Covey is not really about time at all – it’s about living a values-based life. Imagine that! A time-management program that actually gets to the source of how people struggle with time, and comes up with a real solution!

So when is a solution not a solution? And how do you know when a solution is real?

I would say if it doesn’t work, and you try it again, and it doesn’t work again, and you try it one more time, and it still doesn’t work, then it was probably never the real solution in the first place. That’s the time to look deeper.

Looking deeper sometimes feels scary until you realize it doesn’t mean you have to do anything specific about what you find. All you have to do is be honest about what’s going on, and see if you can step out of the emotions around the way things “should” work long enough to see what’s really working.

By the way, I’ve been working fervently on what I believe is the “real” solution to my weight problem, and I promise when I get it down – I will share.

Whatever your theme is – don’t give up. There is always a real solution somewhere – the adventure is finding it.

Copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre

Feedback – should you give it when you don’t have to?

I’m reading a book called Crucial Conversations, which is all about how to handle those tricky yet critical conversations that make a huge difference in how easily we get to where we want to go in life. These conversations include things like giving the boss negative feedback, handling an uncomfortable situation with a neighbor, or breaking bad news to someone you really care about. I’m only in the first couple of chapters, and so far the book is great, but it brought up many questions, and one in particular involves avoiding giving other people feedback.

When is it ok to avoid giving feedback? My guess is that many times, the reason conversations become crucial is because stuff has been brewing and left un-talked about. On the other hand, there may be situations where it’s actually better to let things go.

We have countless examples to explore – when someone has bad breath, when something is caught in their teeth, when their clothes, shoes, or personal attire isn’t up to snuff, when they say something that might be taken wrong, when they aren’t handling something that well, when they are unwittingly committing political suicide, when they have annoying idiosyncrasies… the list could go on forever.

Part of being a good friend is being honest, but the other part is accepting each other as-is, with no personal judgment. How do you know when being honest is really just being judgmental?

Part of being a good boss, parent, or teacher is providing feedback, but the other part is creating an environment that is safe enough for those in your charge to make mistakes and learn from them. When is it appropriate to tell your child that the picture she drew isn’t a masterpiece? When does the child stop trusting you because you only say positive things?

When you witness a peer giving a presentation, and you are there for support, do you just give them the positive feedback, or do you share the negative points as well?

Here are the guidelines I try to follow:

1. Be honest with myself. I may choose not to give feedback to others, but I still need to know what my opinion is. Many people hide from the truth in order to avoid inner conflict. I now avoid this inner conflict by allowing myself not to act. You may realize that your marriage or your job is not going to work out years before you have the practical means to make a change. But if you hide from the truth, your inner conflict will find other ways to plague you.

2. Clarify my role in the relationship, and ask permission before sharing. Do you want me to make observations to help you take it to the next level, or do you want me to be here for support and validation?

3. Provide information when it will be useful, and stay focused on ways to use it. Your presentation was enjoyable. If you want to have a more powerful impact, you can do A, B, and C.

4. Separate the person from the behavior or situation. You look beautiful. In my opinion, that outfit doesn’t show your best characteristics because it looks tight and bunched up around the hips. The blue outfit you wore at the conference fell more naturally, and really complimented your shape.

5. Remind the person that I only have one perspective, and it may not be the right one. I noticed her flinch when you made the remark about the tackiness of the postcard campaign. I think she was probably surprised and hurt by the comment, but maybe I am wrong – why don’t you check in with her and see?

6. Allow myself room to grow as well. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to bring an issue up. That’s usually a signal that I have more personal growth to work on. But instead of berating myself for not bringing it up when I should, or rationalizing by coming up with an excuse to justify remaining silent, I acknowledge that I still have more work to do on myself – and I trust that the honest moment of self-awareness is moving me in the right direction.

In an ideal world, we would all be able to relate to each other honestly but not hurtfully. In this world, with all the layers we have built up to protect ourselves from each other, sometimes we can’t come close to approaching the ideal. But the more we work towards it, the better we get. Share your stories and opinions on this topic – and let’s all practice this week!

Copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre