Scary Conversations

Often, when I talk to clients about very different things, I notice a theme emerging. This week it had to do with avoiding important conversations. It's one thing to read the book "Crucial Conversations" and get excited about how it can change your life. It's quite another to be confronted with a sticky situation at work, and contemplate having a conversation about it. So much can go wrong! What will other people think? What is at stake? Couldn't the consequences of having the conversation be worse than avoiding it?

Unfortunately, the answer is yes and no. The consequences of being defensive or reactive in an important conversation usually aren't positive. BUT the consequences of avoiding a conversation are usually worse. In an ideal scenario, you would have no fear about talking with other people at work, you could talk about anything directly and honestly, and you would also have a knack for being sensitive, compassionate, and positive, even when the topic is controversial.

This isn't a skill you can master overnight, but the good news is that every time you improve a tiny bit, it makes a big difference in your results. Here are a few tips to get you started:

1. Understand the limits of your power. Sometimes we avoid conversations because we think we need to achieve a certain outcome in order to be successful. You can't control other people, so you need to know in advance how you'll handle the situations where you don't get what you want. Once you've figured that out, you can walk into a conversation with less fear, and you have a better chance of achieiving a positive outcome.

2. Understand that people's opinions of you have almost nothing to do with you. Other people respond to how they feel about themselves when they interact with you. If someone lashes out at you, or says something condescending, or mean - it's usually because they feel bad about themselves. While that doesn't excuse their behavior, knowing it's not really about you makes it easier for you to emotionally separate and handle the conversation better.

3. Know that withholding bad news only exacerbates the situation. If people know something's up, but aren't given clear information, what they imagine is usually ten times worse than the truth. When you are up front with people on a consistent basis, you'll find that they trust you, and are willing to work with you when the going gets tough.

Mastering your conversations is one of the most critical skills related to success. Studies have shown that the one skill the most respected leaders share is the ability to communicate effectively in sticky situations.

What conversations are you avoiding? If you were able to have them, and have them well, what would change for you?