Selfish or Selfless - What Works at Work?

We're taught to give of ourselves, go above and beyond the call of duty, provide top notch customer-service, and sacrifice to help others. We're also taught that business is a dog-eat-dog world, if we don't look out for ourselves nobody else will, and being assertive, showing intiaitive, and going after wins gets us noticed.

It's kind of a mixed message, and it messes with our value system. So, often I get asked where to draw the line? When do you commit to whatever it takes to deliver top notch results, and when do you say no to requests and take time off?

The concept I learned in coaching school that had the biggest impact on me personally was the idea of "getting your needs met". The best analogy I can think of to describe it, and one I use often with clients, is the safety drill they put you through as you are about to travel on an airplane.

I ask, "When the air masks come down, and you are with and responsible for a small child, what are you supposed to do, and why?" Most people can recite almost from memory, "Put your own mask on first before helping the child," and they also instinctively "get" why: if you try to put the child's mask on first, you are quickly losing oxygen yourself, which means you'll stop thinking clearly and pass out, which makes you no good to the child and actually creates a bigger problem for everyone around you.

Putting your own mask on first seems "selfish", especially if the small child who needs you is suffering. But if you are "selfless" and don't take care of your own need for air first, you actually hurt the child, and make yourself a burden for others.

This concept works in business too. If you are overloaded with work and stressed out - you need rest, clarity, focus, and relief! Let's say the boss (or a customer) comes to you with another request. The selfless side of you can't see a way to say no. How do you say no to your boss? How do you say no to a customer? So even though you can't imagine where you will find the time or energy, you agree to the task. Almost immediately you feel resentful and unappreciated, especially as you watch them happily take off for the evening to have fun.

When you feel tired, resentful, and unappreciated - you have unmet needs, and just like when you don't have enough air, you cease to be effective. It's hard not to feel angry or jealous when you notice that others don't seem as exhausted as you, or when others seem to be getting more appreciation than you. You may think you are controlling your emotions, but if you feel resentful, it's almost impossible to avoid a sarcastic or sulky edge to your voice. If you are tired and overworked, the likelihood that you will make mistakes is increased, and you can't be as creative in your work as you normally would.

You may think your boss should "give you a break" (if you have one), or that your customers should "be more appreciative" of all you do for them. But if you place responsibility for getting your needs met on others, you become the child. Except you aren't a child, and that means you are taking a big gamble. Adults expect other adults to take care of themselves. If you stood on the plane looking around bewildered and not putting on your mask, you might get lucky, and some "with-it" passenger near you, or the flight attendent, might take it upon themselves to rescue you. Or, they simply might be too caught up in everything else going on to notice.

And that's usually what happens. Other people may be willing to help you, but they don't put extra energy into monitoring you because they expect that if you have a problem you will request help. Your boss has a huge "to do" list and may not be aware of how long yours is because you haven't showed him recently. Your customers don't really know how many other customers you have. Most customers envision themselves as your only customer - at least the only important one.

When I ask people for help, I count on them to tell me if they can do it or not. If they say yes, but then they change their minds later, complain later about doing it, or otherwise send me mixed messages, I realize that I can't trust them to tell me the truth about what they are and are not willing to do. This makes my life much more difficult. When I ask them for something I never know if they are saying yes because they really want to do it, or becuase they think they "have to" to make me happy. When they offer to help me, I never know how genuine the offer is. Do they really want to help, or do they just want to be considered a "selfless person"? So that creates more of a burden for me - do I agree to the offer, or do I politely decline because they really just want the brownie points for offering, but they don't really want to do it?

People who don't take responsibility for their needs and act "selfless" because they think they should, really aren't doing anyone any favors. They actually come accross more often as draining and manipulative than truly helpful.

So, does this mean be selfish? Well, I had a client yesterday that created a new word: "self-full" She said, "I really don't want to be selfish or selfless, I want to be self-full". I think she got it absolutely on the nose.

People who get their needs met are actually "self-full". Because their needs are met, they are actually more generous and capable of providing quite a bit value to others. Because they know when to say no and take care of themselves, others can trust them to say no when they really can't help, and are much more willing to ask for help when they need it.

At work this translates into the person who gets enough rest, knows how to say no with class, delegates often, and gives herself the time she needs to think strategically and make a big impact with the few projects she commits herself to. She is relaxed, focused, and productive at work. If you interrupt her, she often has time for you, because her schedule is under control. However, if she doesn't have time, she graciously lets you know - and when you leave her office you don't feel guilty.

Selfish, selfless, self-full? Start getting your needs met, and then decide for yourself!

copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre http://www.aspyrre.com/