The Power of Gratitude

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. As a busy adult, I have a stress to joy quotient related to every holiday. For Thanksgiving, my stress investment is an extra trip to the grocery store, and a tad more cooking and cleaning than usual on Thursday morning. The payback in joy is a nice relaxing meal with conversation, wine or beer, football, pie, perhaps a few games, maybe a movie, and lots of lounging on big cushy furniture around a fireplace, because the HUGE four-day weekend has only just begun. I don’t have to do laundry, homework, or bathe the children. No other holiday gives me as much joy in exchange for my efforts.

Of course, since Thanksgiving is dedicated to gratitude, I always spend a few minutes thinking about “what I’m grateful for”. But this year, for the first time, it struck me how powerful the feeling of gratitude really is. And, how useful it can be when it comes to success – both personally and professionally!

In our family, we go around the table and each person says something that he or she is grateful for before we start our meal. Some talk about love, health and family, others joke about beer and football, and some share a positive event from that year. More often than not, people are preoccupied with dinner prep, or uncomfortable speaking in front of the group, so although they do their best to say something appropriate, I wonder if the actual feeling of gratitude has a chance to emerge.

I know for me, more often than not, it doesn’t. I do my best to say something honest – whatever comes to mind at the time. And meanwhile, I’m watching to make sure one child has his drink in a safe place, the other is actually eating turkey before pie, and the guests all have drinks, silverware, and napkins.

But later, when I’m relaxing by the fire, I do have a chance to experience real gratitude. I watch the children play a game with their uncle. I’m grateful for the opportunity to sit back and enjoy their faces, pay attention to how small their hands and feet are, and listen to their voices and expressions, realizing how quickly they grow up. On the surface, this may seem like just a moment for me to notice and appreciate and smile.

But here’s the power: That moment of gratitude relaxes my muscles, changes my mood slightly, and when the kids come over to be close they get more hugs, cuddling, affection, and attention. How does that impact them?

My gratitude towards my brother (the uncle) for engaging with the children replaces my usual relatively impatient and critical “big sister” attitude with more appreciation, respect, and kindness. How does that impact him?

I notice that my husband does more than half of the food preparation and clean up, which gave me the opportunity to sit back and relax in the first place. I feel lucky that we work so well together on a meal. How does that impact our relationship?

Take this one step further. More appreciation in the house relaxes the moods of all the adults. They feel more at peace and have more patience with the children. The children feel safe in an environment where the adults are happy. Work gets done easier. Stress levels stay down. People are ok just being themselves. What are the physiological affects? The impact on everyone’s health? I could go on and on.

Maybe one moment of gratitude in one person doesn’t make a huge difference in the dynamics of a family, but it does generate a significant shift. It produces a slight change in energy level, and several subtle shifts in behavior, each impacting other people, and building stronger, safer relationships.

What if just one person experienced a genuine moment of gratitude just one or two times each day? Would that impact the family dynamics? You bet. And if family relationships are impacted positively, how does that, in turn, impact each person’s individual sense of well-being? And, how does each person’s individual sense of well-being impact their personal level of success in the world, or their ability to impact others in a positive way?

Your own gratitude can have a positive impact even if the others in your family don’t cooperate. Most people don’t pay attention to their emotions, so they react. They react first to their own thoughts, but if their own thoughts don’t produce any strong emotions, they react to the emotions of others. They enjoy themselves around the life of the party, they feel drained when loved ones argue, they respond positively to attention and appreciation from others, and they feel insecure when others overlook or ignore them. When you are deliberate with your emotions, you have the power to affect everyone. This doesn’t mean “faking” the emotion you want to create. But it does mean thinking the kinds of thoughts that allow positive emotions, like gratitude, to authentically emerge. And once they have emerged, allowing them to flow through you in your interactions with others, who will almost always respond positively, whether they realize it or not. If you feel genuine gratitude in a group of people, and interact with enough other members of the group while you are feeling it, you have the power to change the entire emotional state of the group.

This works in a family, in a classroom, in a group of friends, and in a group of people at work.

Why at work?

You may have noticed yourself treating your boss like a parent, noticing your employees acting like children, and dealing with peers that remind you of your siblings. In our teams at work, for better or worse, we replicate what we learned in our families. And even if we act “professional” on the outside, the underlying emotions feel very personal and all too familiar at times.

Gratitude is an essential part of any professional success formula. The formula works just as powerfully in any group. It goes like this:

1. Take the time to notice what you are genuinely grateful for
2. Make sure to really experience the gratitude at a physiological level. Notice your muscles relax, and your emotions change to compassion and appreciation.
3. Allow your compassion and appreciation to come out, both directly and indirectly, in your interactions at work.
4. Notice, over time, that people feel safer around you and that you build stronger, more trusting work relationships.
5. As a result of stronger, more trusting work relationships, notice your team extend themselves beyond the call of duty.
6. As a result of stronger, more trusting work relationships, notice your peers talking more honestly and directly with you.
7. As a result of stronger, more trusting work relationships, notice your boss relying on you more heavily for mission critical work, and providing you with more support.

Add that to the simple truth that gratitude lowers your stress and feels pretty darn good too; where do you get a more powerful business tool?

Why is Thanksgiving my favorite holiday? High joy, low stress, and practice with important business success skills, all while enjoying a game of Candyland and a slice of pumpkin pie by the fire. Who could ask for more?

Copyright ©2006, Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre, www.aspyrre.com

Instincts or Impulse?

You walk into the office one day feeling positive and exhilarated from a brisk walk in the fresh air, and as you pass the coffee machine you notice two co-workers speaking intently to each other in hushed tones. They notice you looking at them and stop talking, looking somewhat uncomfortable. The exhilaration you felt a moment ago dissolves, and a surge of adrenaline charges through your body. You have a strong instinct that you know who, if not what, they were talking about.

About an hour later, one of the co-workers comes to ask if you have a few minutes, and the adrenaline comes back. You do your best to maintain your composure, and the two of you go to a private place to talk. She begins, “We just realized that we completely forgot about Callie’s birthday last week, and we aren’t sure if she hid it from us purposely because she didn’t want us to make a big deal out of it, or if we should do something this week to make it up to her. What do you think?”

Hmmm…. could this have explained the coffee machine conversation? Relief sets in, and you continue on with the conversation at hand.

But what if you hadn’t had this conversation? What if you kept whatever story you originally created about the “coffee machine conversation” as your truth? How would you respond if that same co-worker sent you an e-mail requesting some information? Could this set off a chain of events, with your e-mail response coming across as a tad more abrupt than usual, eliciting some new adrenaline in your co-worker related to you? And could that lead to less-than-friendly behavior on her part, which confirms your truth for you, and so on, and so on, and so on?

This kind of emotional misfiring happens a lot in organizations, and even more so when we have so much work to do that taking the time to address what seems like a minor issue gets relegated to the bottom of the “to do” list.

As time goes by we begin to characterize and stereotype each other, and it’s hard to tell when someone is behaving “in reaction” to something they’ve created in their head, or “on purpose” based on clear and positive intentions.

If you observe emotional misfiring reeking havoc in your organization, what can you do about it?

1. Watch your assumptions, especially those you make about the character of another person.

2. When someone complains to you about a co-worker, help distinguish between actual behavior and assumptions made about the behavior.

3. Ask yourself, “If I knew this person was a decent person and only had the best of intentions” what are some possible explanations for the behavior?

4. Talk. All the time. Maintain ongoing dialogue with everyone who is important to you at work, so when something does come up, it can be dealt with naturally, and without an excessive amount of time or emotional investment.

In our coffee machine conversation example, a great way to casually check facts is to say something like “You scared me this morning when I walked in and you stopped talking – were you planning my execution?” Generally, humorous comments can give you an easy reality check. The person has an opportunity to respond in kind, without either of you feeling the weight of an “issue”. They might say, “well we were sort of planning someone’s birthday party – which can sometimes feel like an execution – but it’s a secret – so if you want in on it….” and your fears are quelled in a minute or two of light banter. On the other hand, if you try to “reality check” a few times and feel like you are getting consistently evasive responses, it might indicate that there’s something that needs to be discussed more seriously, and you can take it to the next level.

The most important thing to remember is that your truth may “feel” real – but feelings are created by thoughts, which are based on about 20% fact and 80% interpretation. Taking the time to question and reality check before jumping to conclusions can save you a lot of stress and friction, and pave the way to positive and powerful relationships with your co-workers.

Copyright @ 2006 Nahid Casazza Aspyrre

The Power of Questions

As a boss, manager, parent, teacher, or even as a coach, it's so easy and efficient to just tell people what to do. To give advice, suggestions, or the answers. Time is a luxury, so encouraging an employee to figure out a solution for himself, or helping a student learn through prompts instead of a lesson, can feel unproductive.

I attended the international coach federation conference last week, and one of my favorite events involved watching and critiquing master coaches in action. Master coaches are generally able to move a client from point A to point B in a conversation mostly through questions. The questionning process requires that they resist the temptation to tell the client the answer, and instead, use questions to facilitate the client to a solution that is co-created in the space between coach and client.

The skill of moving people forward through asking, not telling, allows the growing experience in the conversation to belong completely to the client. It's not an easy thing to do, but it's powerful, because any change that the client completly owns, sticks. And this skill is powerful for anyone in a "guiding relationship" with others. Here are some examples to think about:

1. Who is generally more accurate, the employee who is given work instructions and told to follow them, or the employee who creates the work instructions for himself?

2. When does a disagreement build a stronger relationship, when people agree to disagree and negotiate a compromise, or when they take the time to truly understand each other's perspective before deciding how to proceed?

3. How many times have people told you things that made brilliant sense, yet you didn't act on them?

4. How many times have you given great advice and watched people not follow it?

Good questions produce clarity, buy-in, commitment, and learning that sticks. But it takes time to learn how to ask the kind of questions that move people forward. You can usually tell the difference between a novice and a master coach because when the novice asks questions, the conversation often runs in circles and doesn't seem productive. A master coach, however, is able to move the coaching conversation through to a productive action commitment in 20 minutes or less.

Questionning well and efficiently takes practice - years of it. But there's no time like the present to start - and even a few well-placed questions in your dialogue with those in your charge, can make a world of difference.

If you'd like to practice using questions more in one of your "guiding" roles, here are a few to try on:

1. What would the ideal outcome be for you?

2. How much control do you have in this situation?

3. If you had more money, courage, status, time, what would you do?

4. What are some of the possible steps you can take?

5. How does it benefit you to not act?

Feel free to add to the list!

Copyright 2006 - Nahid Casazza - Aspyrre

When is a solution not a solution?

A friend once told me that we all have a theme – something we keep coming back to with each level of personal growth. And it usually shows up everywhere: in your clients, in your writing, in your relationships, and most of all, in the things you are most passionate about changing in the world.

One of my themes, which probably comes through in my writing more often than I’d like to admit, is this extreme frustration I have with solutions that aren’t real solutions. A good example is our nation’s obsession with diets. The problem is that people are overweight. The solutions that people come up with are diets. Most of these diets work fairly well too. As long as they are followed. People will follow a diet for a period of time and lose some weight. And then they’ll stop following it. And they’ll gain weight back. And then maybe they’ll look for another diet next time they are frustrated enough to drum up the willpower.

I don’t think diets by themselves are the solution to the problem of people being overweight. I think the real problem lies in the fact that people eat for many reasons, and not all of them have to do with hunger. So as long as those underlying reasons to eat exist, people will continue to eat unless they are focused on forcing themselves not to. And you only have a limited amount of energy to force yourself not to do something you really want to do.

As long as we think the solution to being overweight is to go on a diet, people will continue to be overweight. The real solution lies in working with whatever drives an overweight person to eat when she or he isn't hungry. Which I expect is somewhat different for everyone, although I bet we have many reasons in common.

The weight example works well for me, because I happen to be overweight, and when I’ve decided that I “need” chocolate, chips, or one of my other “crutch” foods to make it through the afternoon, no amount of logic about caloric intake can stand up to that drive. But I am beginning to understand where the drive comes from (in my case it often starts with shame about being overweight – which traps me in a vicious circle). I’ve written many diet plans, but I don’t think I’ve stuck with any of them for more than two weeks. If some well-intentioned person comes to me with a new diet or technique for losing weight – they’d better start running the other way – fast. On the other hand, if someone came to me today and showed me how to make the shame for being overweight in the first place disappear… now I’m listening because we’re closer to a real solution.

This weight struggle has given me a great gift of compassion.

I understand why my clients say they are going to make 50 sales calls each week… and then don’t. I understand why my clients say they are going to leave the dead-end relationship, but then get back together within a couple of weeks. I understand why time-management programs don’t usually work. Except for Franklin Covey’s. But that’s because Franklin Covey is not really about time at all – it’s about living a values-based life. Imagine that! A time-management program that actually gets to the source of how people struggle with time, and comes up with a real solution!

So when is a solution not a solution? And how do you know when a solution is real?

I would say if it doesn’t work, and you try it again, and it doesn’t work again, and you try it one more time, and it still doesn’t work, then it was probably never the real solution in the first place. That’s the time to look deeper.

Looking deeper sometimes feels scary until you realize it doesn’t mean you have to do anything specific about what you find. All you have to do is be honest about what’s going on, and see if you can step out of the emotions around the way things “should” work long enough to see what’s really working.

By the way, I’ve been working fervently on what I believe is the “real” solution to my weight problem, and I promise when I get it down – I will share.

Whatever your theme is – don’t give up. There is always a real solution somewhere – the adventure is finding it.

Copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre

Feedback – should you give it when you don’t have to?

I’m reading a book called Crucial Conversations, which is all about how to handle those tricky yet critical conversations that make a huge difference in how easily we get to where we want to go in life. These conversations include things like giving the boss negative feedback, handling an uncomfortable situation with a neighbor, or breaking bad news to someone you really care about. I’m only in the first couple of chapters, and so far the book is great, but it brought up many questions, and one in particular involves avoiding giving other people feedback.

When is it ok to avoid giving feedback? My guess is that many times, the reason conversations become crucial is because stuff has been brewing and left un-talked about. On the other hand, there may be situations where it’s actually better to let things go.

We have countless examples to explore – when someone has bad breath, when something is caught in their teeth, when their clothes, shoes, or personal attire isn’t up to snuff, when they say something that might be taken wrong, when they aren’t handling something that well, when they are unwittingly committing political suicide, when they have annoying idiosyncrasies… the list could go on forever.

Part of being a good friend is being honest, but the other part is accepting each other as-is, with no personal judgment. How do you know when being honest is really just being judgmental?

Part of being a good boss, parent, or teacher is providing feedback, but the other part is creating an environment that is safe enough for those in your charge to make mistakes and learn from them. When is it appropriate to tell your child that the picture she drew isn’t a masterpiece? When does the child stop trusting you because you only say positive things?

When you witness a peer giving a presentation, and you are there for support, do you just give them the positive feedback, or do you share the negative points as well?

Here are the guidelines I try to follow:

1. Be honest with myself. I may choose not to give feedback to others, but I still need to know what my opinion is. Many people hide from the truth in order to avoid inner conflict. I now avoid this inner conflict by allowing myself not to act. You may realize that your marriage or your job is not going to work out years before you have the practical means to make a change. But if you hide from the truth, your inner conflict will find other ways to plague you.

2. Clarify my role in the relationship, and ask permission before sharing. Do you want me to make observations to help you take it to the next level, or do you want me to be here for support and validation?

3. Provide information when it will be useful, and stay focused on ways to use it. Your presentation was enjoyable. If you want to have a more powerful impact, you can do A, B, and C.

4. Separate the person from the behavior or situation. You look beautiful. In my opinion, that outfit doesn’t show your best characteristics because it looks tight and bunched up around the hips. The blue outfit you wore at the conference fell more naturally, and really complimented your shape.

5. Remind the person that I only have one perspective, and it may not be the right one. I noticed her flinch when you made the remark about the tackiness of the postcard campaign. I think she was probably surprised and hurt by the comment, but maybe I am wrong – why don’t you check in with her and see?

6. Allow myself room to grow as well. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to bring an issue up. That’s usually a signal that I have more personal growth to work on. But instead of berating myself for not bringing it up when I should, or rationalizing by coming up with an excuse to justify remaining silent, I acknowledge that I still have more work to do on myself – and I trust that the honest moment of self-awareness is moving me in the right direction.

In an ideal world, we would all be able to relate to each other honestly but not hurtfully. In this world, with all the layers we have built up to protect ourselves from each other, sometimes we can’t come close to approaching the ideal. But the more we work towards it, the better we get. Share your stories and opinions on this topic – and let’s all practice this week!

Copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre

Intensity and Exhaustion in Business

I know a lot of business owners who don’t mind working hard or being stressed out – that’s really part of the excitement of growing a business. So when I get out there with my “simplify your life – reduce the overwhelm” speeches – they aren’t interested. Sometimes intensity is what drives your passion, and you need it. It’s kind of like needing a deadline to jump into creative mode.

I used to really enjoy talking with my friends about “what makes people tick”. I would spend hours dissecting why so and so might have done this, and what he or she might have meant by that. This conversation exhausted some of my friends. They would tell me, “you worry too much”, or “you take this stuff too seriously”, or “you get really deep and intense”. For them, the intensity of the conversations was draining. But for me, pondering all the different scenarios didn’t seem so much like “fretting” as a fun game or puzzle to figure out. I finally found a friend who loved these conversations as much as I did, and we were a great fit – we spent hours talking and truly enjoyed it.

To me, that kind of intensity is analogous to what an entrepreneur feels in the first few years of a new business. While on the outside it seems like the 14-hour days are going to kill him or her, it’s actually quite energizing and addictive to the entrepreneur, and this is the kind of passion that enables a new business to survive.

But at some point the cycle changes. The 14 hour days have become habits, the entrepreneur gets bored and tired, and wistfully dreams of family and vacations. Work is now “work” and not so much “fun”. But it has also become a trap, because there isn’t anyone else to process the orders, make the decisions, or handle the clients. At this point, many business owners get stuck, and can stay stuck for years. Revenue pours in, while joy leaks out.

One of the most important things I do with coaching clients is work with them on becoming more self-aware. This is why it’s hard to separate business coaching from personal coaching. I believe your level of self-awareness has a huge impact on your business. It effects how clear you are about goals, how effectively you communicate, how quickly you make decisions, how confident you are in your negotiations, and all of these things affect the bottom line.

And the first step to self-awareness is knowing what energizes you and what drains you. Just knowing this can make all the difference in the world, because as soon as something in your business begins to drain you, you can deliberately find a way to get rid of the drain. You either stop doing it, you get someone else to do it, or you change the way you do it. And you continue to pay attention to your energy levels and make adjustments, so that by the time you reach that place where it’s no longer fun to work 14 hour days, you have systems in place and can reduce your hours.

That way, when it’s time to take a vacation – you take one. And when you are involved in a new initiative that energizes you, you happily immerse yourself, even if that means not resting. When you are immersed in activities that energize you – you don’t need as much rest.

Here’s a ten minute exercise you can do to apply this concept – try it and see what changes you make:

Get out a sheet of paper and make a brainstormed list of everything going on that bugs you – even a little bit. We call this the “What are you tolerating?” exercise. It can be a certain person, a way something is being done, a fear, a disorganized desk – anything. Sometimes it takes awhile to compile your list and you keep coming back and adding to it, but that’s OK – the point is to have a list, so you can be aware.

Rate each item on your list by how much it drains you. Top priorities are items that drain a little bit of your energy every day. Lower priority items are those you usually don’t notice, and only drain you when they are brought to your attention.

That’s the exercise – it’s a simple way to bring you to a higher level of awareness around your own energy. And usually, the added awareness will motivate you to make some changes in the way you manage your business and your life. Your goal is to get rid of as many “tolerations” as you can.

If you’d like, you can even make a game of it. Get a team of people together and have a competition around who can get rid of the most “tolerations” on their list. This is not only fun, but it increases the overall energy level of the group – and is an easy way to pull out of a temporary “low” cycle.

If you do this exercise – I’d love to hear your comments on it!

Copyright ©2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre www.aspyrre.com

Fear and Entreprenuership - Necessary Partners?

Actually, the word that was brought up in our most recent NAWBO (National Association of Women Business Owners) meeting, was "TERROR". We had a panel of successful business owners talk about how they got through some of the major turning points in their businesses, and it was a great show - but the one thing that impacted me the most was a question from the audience at the end.

One of the new business owners stood up and shared the experience of waking up at 3:00am in absolute terror, and was wondering if this was simply a signal that she was at a major turning point. What she got back was universal acknowledgement on the panel - they all experienced the same thing. They referred to the “night terrors” with a little too much familiarity for me. What I heard loud and clear is "they never go away".

Each time your business gets to the next level you think you can breathe a sign of relief. Except now you have more responsibility, bigger issues, and the stakes are even higher. It seems there's no sigh of relief in business - at least not one that lasts more than a day or two. The panel advised exercise and taking good care of yourself - standard stress management techniques.

I’ve got to tell you - I'm not into being terrified all the time in order to have a successful business. I was terrified sometimes in what I called "phase one" of my business. And I actually wrote an article on the "Four Stages of Decisive Change" that speaks to four distinct stages of growing a new business. In phase one you have the "panic elation panic" cycle, a true emotional roller coaster where you are often wondering if you were nuts to think you could start a business. But there are also moments of pure excitement at all the possibility you've created for yourself. However, in my model, once you get to phase two you are also in a different emotional state: lots of hard work, not so much terror.

Does it have to be this way? I know that currently, I don’t have night terrors in my business. I have worries sometimes, and days where there are more balls in the air than I can catch, but for the most part things run smoothly. On the other hand, I’m not running a 20 million dollar business. What if the stakes are higher? What if the success of a sales presentation you make tomorrow determines whether or not you can make payroll next month? What if a critical marketing misstep means people lose their jobs? What if your big investment doesn’t pay off and you are in more debt than your organization can manage?

I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of weeks, and I’ve talked to other business owners as well. Thankfully what I’ve heard mostly is: “It doesn’t have to be that way”. What makes the difference between a business that gives you night terrors, and one that doesn’t? I don’t have the complete answer yet, but are the top three items on my “list”:

1. If you are doing something new, exciting, and scary – then it will feel new, exciting and scary. Understanding that this is simply phase one of a new adventure in your life does a lot to calm things down. And, yes, as you reach one milestone, you will create new ones, but they usually aren’t as charged as your first year as a business owner.

2. If your decisions have a large impact on other people, and that impact has the potential to be negative, it can definitely keep you awake at night. What makes a difference in this case is being honest and up front with people about what they are getting into when they sign on with you, and staying honest with them throughout your relationship. When you cross the line and take more responsibility for them than you can control, the resulting anxiety can be huge!

3. If you’ve got your ego caught up in what happens with the business, you are going to feel pretty scared at the possibility of the business failing. I’ve heard that most successful entrepreneurs fail at two or more businesses, and find themselves “on the edge” of failing many more times than that. It makes sense if you take a look at most successful people. In sports, the best players in the world experience “the agony of defeat” many times over. The best artists and musicians create a few “flops” along with their masterpieces. And they say if you don’t get fired from at least one job, you aren’t working at your full potential. If failing makes you wrong or bad, then the path to success will be downright terrifying.

Do you want to enjoy growing your business without the terror? Then understand the process (

start by reading my article on the stages of change), be truthful with your employees and partners, and get comfortable with failure. And then, get a good night’s sleep!!

Copyright @ 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre. www.aspyrre.com

Monday Morning Butterflies - Ugh!

I used to always be able to tell if I was in a "good job" or a "bad job" by how sick I felt on the drive to work Monday morning. The problem was, I never felt like I had a lot of options to turn things around. Now I'm in a "good job", but I still get butterflies sometimes, and I've realized that they can mean a lot of different things - but they still don't feel very good. Regardless of your situation at work, it's important to pay attention to those butterflies - because you do have options to turn things around.

The first step is to pay attention. Most people try to get rid of the nervousness by pushing it down or ignoring it. But that takes energy, and while you are busy holding yourself together, what other people see is whatever you display when you are uptight: maybe you come accross as short, snappy, rude, grumpy, sulky, insecure, sensitive, quiet, or pre-occupied. Your "anxious" behavior may be different from others based on your personality, but the one thing all these behaviors have in common is that they aren't warm, attractive, or engaging, and the result is you may be inadvertently putting other people off as soon as you walk in the door. That usually sets additional negative "stuff" in motion, that may even add to your anxiety later.

Instead of ignoring, or even tolerating your butterflies, PAY ATTENTION to them, and ask yourself this question: "What is this about?" Once you have a handle on the source, there are many strategies for turning things around.

You may not have a good answer. Here are some common situations that often cause morning butterflies:

1. You may have dropped some balls in your overwhelm last week, and you are worried someone will be upset with you, or that you've missed something important.

2. The people on your team always seem to have some drama going on that they want you to handle - you have no idea what kind of an ambush might be waiting for you as you walk in.

3. You have a big presentation, negotation or meeting, and you have to perform. You either aren't prepared, or you are as prepared as you can be, but a little jittery about what's at stake. By the way, the most charismatic and experienced speakers usually report "pre-stage" jitters, and many say it's a good thing because that adrenaline keeps you alert and focused for your start.

4. You hate this job, everything about it, you don't know how you are going to make it through the day - and as you drive in you feel a quiet despair as the week looms in front of you.

5. There's someone at work you don't want to face.

These are only five examples of what situation could be behind the butterflies, but you want to get as specific as you can. A great way to "test" if you've pinpointed the right source is to ask yourself the question: "If this situation were its opposite, or didn't exist, how would I feel?" If reversing the situation makes a difference, you've nailed it. If not, there's more. Don't underestimate the power of pinpointing the source of your anxiety - just that in itself gives you more control, and usually more calm.

Once you know the source of your anxiety, there are two parts to deal with: the mental part and the physiological part. Although your thoughts come first, they are harder to change, so sometimes it's easier to start with the physiological part. Here are some things that have worked for me and others I know:

1. Deep breaths - three of them: inhale as long and slow as you can and exhale through your mouth.

2. Do something physical to get those endorphins going - exercise in the morning, run, walk, or even jump or jog in place for ten minutes.

3. Start your morning with a relaxation routine: Stretch, do yoga, meditate, etc.

4. Laugh. Laughter releases endorphins. Listen to comedy or a funny talk show on the way to work, or carpool with your most hilarious co-worker.

5. I knew one person who took rolaids before giving speeches, and said it did a pretty good job of calming down the stomach. I can't endorse this one because I don't know if it's heathy, but it did seem to work.

There are quite a few things you can do on the mental side of the house as well, as soon as you've identified the source of your anxiety:

1. Decide how much control you have of the situation: do you have complete control, some influence, or do you only have control of your response? A lot of anxiety comes from trying to manipulate the outcome of things we really can't control. Once you acknowledge where your responsibility ends, it's easier to let go and relax.

2. Handle overwhelm at work by reserving time to get organized. Ever notice that when you come in on the weekend to clean your desk, Monday feels completely different? Instead of taking time out of your weekend, you may want to reserve the first half of Monday for quiet un-interrupted planning time. One thing I do is reserve Monday as my administrative and paperwork day instead of the more common practice of doing it on Friday. That way I know I'm coming into a quiet day and will be well-prepared for appointments starting on Tuesday.

3. Set boundaries with employees and other anxiety-causing co-workers by blocking out portions of your day as unavailable time. You can pretend you are in a meeting if you need to. The important thing is that you always know you'll have those particiular sanctuaries of time to regroup when things get hectic.

4. Deal honestly with people at work. When you haven't delivered on something, made a mistake, or are otherwise not resolved with someone, take the initiative to have a conversation, or at least send an e-mail to let them know. You'd be surprised how forgiving people can be in the face of a sincere apology.

5. If you are in despair, because this is not the place for you, acknowledge that you may not be able to make a change right away, but promise to take one step. One thing I specialize in is helping people figure out how to find and get work that feels fulfilling and enjoyable, while also bringing in a decent income. That first step could simply be a phone call - (949) 495-1021. Or, I offer a workshop called Discover Work You Love, and I'd love to see you there. (if you don't live in Southern California, it's still possible to take this course by phone and e-mail). Just knowing you are taking a step can make the time bearable - because you've just turned on a light at the end of your tunnel.

Another workshop I am offering next week is called from Overwhelm to Focus, and it walks you through the process of pinpointing the key sources of stress in your work environment, and developing a strategy you can implement immediately to turn things around. (also easy to do remotely)

Sometimes it seems like those butterflies are uncontrollable, but you can make a big difference by paying attention to what is causing them and making a few changes in how you approach work. Imagine, looking forward to Monday!

copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre www.aspyrre.com

Dealing with Frustrating People at Work - Part I

No matter who you are, where you work, or how many people you work with, you can't avoid running into frustrating people. Some are just annoying, but others push your buttons, distract you from work, keep you up at night, and sometimes even drive you to consider quitting! Sometimes it's hard not to wish you could just hit a "delete" button and remove certain people from their positions, but since that's not always an option, we need some better tools.

There's a process I take my clients through that includes several steps:

1. Separating the behavior from the person
2. Getting clear on what frustrates you about the behavior and why
3. Examining your assumptions about the motivations behind the behavior, and brainstorming on possible "positive intentions" behind the behavior
4. Planning a strategy to protect yourself if the behavior does not change
5. Planning, and then having a conversation with the person about the behavior

The number one mistake people make when they are dealing with frustrating people at work is assuming they can't do anything about it. Of course you can't tell someone what to do if you aren't the boss, and you can't control another person's personality. But there are many things you can do to make your situation less stressful.


Step one - Separating the behavior from the person

"Sam is an arrogant jerk" might feel good for a few seconds but it isn't going to change Sam. "When Sam gives an unsolicited run-down of his accomplishments every time he presents an idea, it pushes my buttons" gives you something to work with.

Step two - Getting clear about what frustrates you about the behavior and why

Why would it push your buttons when someone gives you a run-down of his accomplishments with every idea? Is it because it's taking up too much of your valuable time? Is it because it seems like he's trying to "one up" you? Is it because the boss is within hearing distance and might actually believe his advertisement?

Let's say it's because it feels like he's trying to "one up" you. Why does it bother you? Do you worry that he might actually be able to convince others that he's better than you?

This is a great example, because every organization has a few insecure sorts who boast and brag a lot to make themselves feel better. They are usually not the best performers in the company - and everyone knows it. But you need to be honest about your reaction in order to deal with the situation effectively. If you believe all that talking might actually get this person noticed and cause you to be overlooked, it's a threat to you - and if you think it through you can figure out a way to mitigate the threat.

Step 3 - Brainstorm on possible motivations behind the behavior

Well - Sam could be compensating for his insecurity. Or, someone could have advised him that he should talk about his accomplishments a lot because it's good for the career path. Or, he could be afraid you wont like his ideas, so he's "overselling" by justifying them with his experience.

Step 4 - Plan a strategy to protect yourself if the behavior doesn't change

In this case, you need to plan a strategy to protect yourself from the possibility of others not seeing your competence in the wake of his loud trumpeting. So you plan ways to insure that your competence is established, but in your own style. For example, you may send periodic e-mails to your boss updating her on your successes. This "unhooks" you emotionally from the behavior and frees you to have a productive conversation. If you will be OK whether the behavior changes or stays the same, you have much more power than if you "need" the behavior to change in order to be OK.

Step 5 - Plan and have a conversation with the person about their behavior.

We tend to assume that we can't talk to other people about their behavior unless we are the manager. But really, you should be having lots of conversations about behavior at work. The more conversations you have the better. What you want to focus on is the purpose behind the behavior, and an alternate behavior that would work better in achieving that purpose. The conversation could be simple. "Sam, I noticed that you tell me about your accomplishments when you share an idea, is that because you worry that people might not like your idea?" Let Sam talk. Then, whatever his reaon, you go on to, "Sam, you don't need to tell me all those things in order to [insert whatever he said the purpose behind his behavior was]. But what you could do instead is [insert some alternative behavior that would achieve his purpose without frustrating you]. Let's make our brainstorming sessions just about ideas, and leave the resumes for a time when we really need them. Is that fair?"

In the beginning it can be embarrassing to initiate conversations with others about their behavior. But with practice, your comfort level will increase. And being able to talk candidly and authentically with people about their behavior is one of the most powerful tools in business.

Try it!

copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre www.aspyrre.com

Should I stay or should I go?

How do you know if it's time to move on? I don't think it's ever an easy decision. Even when you know you are making the right decision, it's still VERY hard to make a change, and I meet people every day who know they should move on, but don't.

In fact, we dug up some statistics a few years ago for a workshop I offer: "Discover Work you Love", and found that something like 70% of all employees are not happy with their jobs. That's a big number! If they aren't happy why don't they leave?

Surprisingly, one reason is loyalty. Sometimes you think you are doing a company a favor by staying - but if you aren't happy it probably shows, either in your performance or your attitude. If they also sense it's not a good fit, they may be praying for the day you decide to move on. Because they need a good legal reason to make the decision for you.

Integrity - this is another version of loyalty. It's not practical to quit before looking for your next job, but it feels like you are living a lie if you act involved and committed by day and secretly hunt for new opportunities by night. I'm big on integrity, so I understand this bind fully. But unfortunately the relationship you have with your company is not exactly like other relationships: friends and family don't usually dump you when it no longer makes financial sense to keep you; organizations must in order to survive.

Another reason is fear. What if no one else will pay me as much? With a mortgage, car payment, and lifestyle to worry about it doesn't feel worth the risk. Sometimes, even in the face of statistics and factual information that prove otherwise, people are convinced that no one else will hire them. And they are simply too scared to find out. So they make up all sorts of excuses to hide that fear even from themselves. One of the big excuses, by the way, is loyalty.

Not having the energy to make a change. I think this is a good reason to wait, as long as you can be honest about it. If you are in a challenging work environment all your energy during the day is devoted to surviving. By the time you get home, there's no energy left to think about making a change, much less do anything about it. At other times, what you have to tolerate at work doesn't seem "that bad" compared to what you would have to tolerate looking for a new job. If you are committed but drained, you might want to take a vacation and use the first half to sleep and the second half to come up with a strategy. Change is tough - it takes a lot of energy even if it's a good change, so you have to be ready, refreshed, and committed. Otherwise it's really not worth getting started. If you want to read more about the cycles of change, here's an overview.

Speaking of getting started, the first step is having a conversation with somebody - often your boss. But if that conversation goes in the wrong direction, you may end up in a worse situation. So many people tolerate negative situations that can be changed because they are too scared to bring their problems to anyone's attention.

If you think it's time for a change, but are finding it hard to get started, how do you get help taking the first step?

Well first I have to plug myself, because this is the best time to hire a coach. You need someone outside the organization and outside of your circle of family and friends who can be completely objective in helping you think through the issues, and who wont be affected at all by your decision. If you'd like an overview of how I work with job transition clients click here.

With or without a coach, here are the first steps you can take to get moving:

Step One: Get an objective person to have decision making conversations with. This is so you can think and talk through the issues without putting yourself at risk. And it can't be a family member or anyone who is invested in the current relationship they have with you. You might not think a good friend will be biased, but if you change at all, it will change your relationship with that friend, and everyone resists change, whether they want to admit it or not.

Step Two: Build a support system. When I decided to leave my last job and start my own company, I started a "success team" to give me the courage to do it. This is a group of people who all have a goal or change they want to make, and they meet to support each other through the transition. It's very powerful. I have run teams like this at Aspyrre, but you can also build your own. Find 4-12 friends or associates who have dreams they haven't acted on and just need a little nudge of support to move forward. Meet at least once per month: talk about what you want to accomplish, what your next steps are, what you need to move forward, and hold each other accountable to small forward-moving actions.

Step Three: Re-assess what's important to you. If you are going to make a change, you might as well make it a good one. It only takes a few days to re-assess your strengths, weaknesses, values, and purpose in life. A couple of good books that walk you through the process are: What Color is Your Parachute? by Richard Bolles, and Wishcraft, by Barbara Sher. You'll be much happier in your next position if it feels meaningful. But don't make the mistake of thinking you have to "find your true passion" before taking the next step. Your purpose can be reflected in almost anything you do, and if you can't get excited about anything, you might need a big break. It's ok to step into an easy non-draining position for a few years - you don't always have to move "up".

Step Four: Get lots of information. There are so many opportunities out there that people never find because they look for a job the "traditional way". Have conversations with people in positions you've never heard of, learn about the companies near where you live, find out where your neighbors work. If you've wanted to go out on your own, talk to people who have done it. This doesn't have to take a lot of time, but if you can devote a few weeks to having exploratory conversations, you'll end up with new ideas and opportunities you would have otherwise missed.

Step Five: Once you've gone through the thinking and information gathering, it's usually much easier to get excited about creating a plan and taking action. From here on in it's all about marketing yourself - which is a whole new article for some other time.

It's really not that hard though. And the big question you need to ask yourself is this:

Am I willing to go to work every day for the next ten years feeling the way I feel today when I'm at work?

You don't get to say "No, but, it wont be ten years..." Because I tell you what, ten years will fly by, and unless something accidentally hits you in the face, chances are you'll still be avoiding whatever you're avoiding now.

Thinking about it honestly now doesn't mean you have to take action now. But if you go through the thinking and information gathering part now, then when you are ready to take action, it will be easy.


copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre www.aspyrre.com

Selfish or Selfless - What Works at Work?

We're taught to give of ourselves, go above and beyond the call of duty, provide top notch customer-service, and sacrifice to help others. We're also taught that business is a dog-eat-dog world, if we don't look out for ourselves nobody else will, and being assertive, showing intiaitive, and going after wins gets us noticed.

It's kind of a mixed message, and it messes with our value system. So, often I get asked where to draw the line? When do you commit to whatever it takes to deliver top notch results, and when do you say no to requests and take time off?

The concept I learned in coaching school that had the biggest impact on me personally was the idea of "getting your needs met". The best analogy I can think of to describe it, and one I use often with clients, is the safety drill they put you through as you are about to travel on an airplane.

I ask, "When the air masks come down, and you are with and responsible for a small child, what are you supposed to do, and why?" Most people can recite almost from memory, "Put your own mask on first before helping the child," and they also instinctively "get" why: if you try to put the child's mask on first, you are quickly losing oxygen yourself, which means you'll stop thinking clearly and pass out, which makes you no good to the child and actually creates a bigger problem for everyone around you.

Putting your own mask on first seems "selfish", especially if the small child who needs you is suffering. But if you are "selfless" and don't take care of your own need for air first, you actually hurt the child, and make yourself a burden for others.

This concept works in business too. If you are overloaded with work and stressed out - you need rest, clarity, focus, and relief! Let's say the boss (or a customer) comes to you with another request. The selfless side of you can't see a way to say no. How do you say no to your boss? How do you say no to a customer? So even though you can't imagine where you will find the time or energy, you agree to the task. Almost immediately you feel resentful and unappreciated, especially as you watch them happily take off for the evening to have fun.

When you feel tired, resentful, and unappreciated - you have unmet needs, and just like when you don't have enough air, you cease to be effective. It's hard not to feel angry or jealous when you notice that others don't seem as exhausted as you, or when others seem to be getting more appreciation than you. You may think you are controlling your emotions, but if you feel resentful, it's almost impossible to avoid a sarcastic or sulky edge to your voice. If you are tired and overworked, the likelihood that you will make mistakes is increased, and you can't be as creative in your work as you normally would.

You may think your boss should "give you a break" (if you have one), or that your customers should "be more appreciative" of all you do for them. But if you place responsibility for getting your needs met on others, you become the child. Except you aren't a child, and that means you are taking a big gamble. Adults expect other adults to take care of themselves. If you stood on the plane looking around bewildered and not putting on your mask, you might get lucky, and some "with-it" passenger near you, or the flight attendent, might take it upon themselves to rescue you. Or, they simply might be too caught up in everything else going on to notice.

And that's usually what happens. Other people may be willing to help you, but they don't put extra energy into monitoring you because they expect that if you have a problem you will request help. Your boss has a huge "to do" list and may not be aware of how long yours is because you haven't showed him recently. Your customers don't really know how many other customers you have. Most customers envision themselves as your only customer - at least the only important one.

When I ask people for help, I count on them to tell me if they can do it or not. If they say yes, but then they change their minds later, complain later about doing it, or otherwise send me mixed messages, I realize that I can't trust them to tell me the truth about what they are and are not willing to do. This makes my life much more difficult. When I ask them for something I never know if they are saying yes because they really want to do it, or becuase they think they "have to" to make me happy. When they offer to help me, I never know how genuine the offer is. Do they really want to help, or do they just want to be considered a "selfless person"? So that creates more of a burden for me - do I agree to the offer, or do I politely decline because they really just want the brownie points for offering, but they don't really want to do it?

People who don't take responsibility for their needs and act "selfless" because they think they should, really aren't doing anyone any favors. They actually come accross more often as draining and manipulative than truly helpful.

So, does this mean be selfish? Well, I had a client yesterday that created a new word: "self-full" She said, "I really don't want to be selfish or selfless, I want to be self-full". I think she got it absolutely on the nose.

People who get their needs met are actually "self-full". Because their needs are met, they are actually more generous and capable of providing quite a bit value to others. Because they know when to say no and take care of themselves, others can trust them to say no when they really can't help, and are much more willing to ask for help when they need it.

At work this translates into the person who gets enough rest, knows how to say no with class, delegates often, and gives herself the time she needs to think strategically and make a big impact with the few projects she commits herself to. She is relaxed, focused, and productive at work. If you interrupt her, she often has time for you, because her schedule is under control. However, if she doesn't have time, she graciously lets you know - and when you leave her office you don't feel guilty.

Selfish, selfless, self-full? Start getting your needs met, and then decide for yourself!

copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre http://www.aspyrre.com/

Ideas - a Business Owner's Narcotic?

I was starting to write an article on the sources of stress in business, when I got to "unfiltered ideas", and my mind started racing. I kept thinking of all the stressed out people I know. Some of them have a new great idea every day and feel compelled to do something so they don't lose it. They rush around every day, yet don't feel like they are making any progress. Then there are the key staff members of visionary leaders - the ones with too many visions and no willingness to prioritize. They work really hard trying to make things happen by an unrealistic deadline, and when they return with the results they are dumbfounded to find that Mr. Boss is off in a completely new direction and has simply forgotten to mention it.

Then we have what I call the "prestigious consultants". These are the advice-givers who pad their own ego by sharing their great ideas for fixing the world and everyone in it. Of course the implementation part of it is not their concern - it should be easy!

And the over-achievers who torture themselves by counting all the ideas they failed to bring an idea to life and minimizing the ones they have.

As I wrote my new article "Can great ideas be bad for business?" I began to worry that it might be a little controversial. I mean, how can you knock ideas? They are the very foundation of innovation, and what is America about if not the freedom to make your ideas come to life!

But still - ideas do have an uncanny resemblence to drugs. Ideas FEEL SO GOOD. Brainstorming sessions are some of the most intoxicating conversations in business. And when you over-indulge, all sorts of bad things happen. Mainly - people get stressed out because they can't make them all happen and still have a life.

I think the biggest problem is thinking that ideas are too valuable to let go of. Like if we allow ourselves to forget about them they are gone forever. Sometimes the whole purpose of an idea is to spawn other ideas. Or to help us get clear about what we don't want. I don't believe ideas are ever completely gone anyway. If they are good, they find ways to regenerate themselves.

In this case the idea (or fear) that my article might be controversial spawned the decision to finally start my own blog. And this makes it possible to start more conversations and generate more ideas... ok - so maybe they are more like candy than drugs....