Dealing with Frustrating People at Work - Part I

No matter who you are, where you work, or how many people you work with, you can't avoid running into frustrating people. Some are just annoying, but others push your buttons, distract you from work, keep you up at night, and sometimes even drive you to consider quitting! Sometimes it's hard not to wish you could just hit a "delete" button and remove certain people from their positions, but since that's not always an option, we need some better tools.

There's a process I take my clients through that includes several steps:

1. Separating the behavior from the person
2. Getting clear on what frustrates you about the behavior and why
3. Examining your assumptions about the motivations behind the behavior, and brainstorming on possible "positive intentions" behind the behavior
4. Planning a strategy to protect yourself if the behavior does not change
5. Planning, and then having a conversation with the person about the behavior

The number one mistake people make when they are dealing with frustrating people at work is assuming they can't do anything about it. Of course you can't tell someone what to do if you aren't the boss, and you can't control another person's personality. But there are many things you can do to make your situation less stressful.


Step one - Separating the behavior from the person

"Sam is an arrogant jerk" might feel good for a few seconds but it isn't going to change Sam. "When Sam gives an unsolicited run-down of his accomplishments every time he presents an idea, it pushes my buttons" gives you something to work with.

Step two - Getting clear about what frustrates you about the behavior and why

Why would it push your buttons when someone gives you a run-down of his accomplishments with every idea? Is it because it's taking up too much of your valuable time? Is it because it seems like he's trying to "one up" you? Is it because the boss is within hearing distance and might actually believe his advertisement?

Let's say it's because it feels like he's trying to "one up" you. Why does it bother you? Do you worry that he might actually be able to convince others that he's better than you?

This is a great example, because every organization has a few insecure sorts who boast and brag a lot to make themselves feel better. They are usually not the best performers in the company - and everyone knows it. But you need to be honest about your reaction in order to deal with the situation effectively. If you believe all that talking might actually get this person noticed and cause you to be overlooked, it's a threat to you - and if you think it through you can figure out a way to mitigate the threat.

Step 3 - Brainstorm on possible motivations behind the behavior

Well - Sam could be compensating for his insecurity. Or, someone could have advised him that he should talk about his accomplishments a lot because it's good for the career path. Or, he could be afraid you wont like his ideas, so he's "overselling" by justifying them with his experience.

Step 4 - Plan a strategy to protect yourself if the behavior doesn't change

In this case, you need to plan a strategy to protect yourself from the possibility of others not seeing your competence in the wake of his loud trumpeting. So you plan ways to insure that your competence is established, but in your own style. For example, you may send periodic e-mails to your boss updating her on your successes. This "unhooks" you emotionally from the behavior and frees you to have a productive conversation. If you will be OK whether the behavior changes or stays the same, you have much more power than if you "need" the behavior to change in order to be OK.

Step 5 - Plan and have a conversation with the person about their behavior.

We tend to assume that we can't talk to other people about their behavior unless we are the manager. But really, you should be having lots of conversations about behavior at work. The more conversations you have the better. What you want to focus on is the purpose behind the behavior, and an alternate behavior that would work better in achieving that purpose. The conversation could be simple. "Sam, I noticed that you tell me about your accomplishments when you share an idea, is that because you worry that people might not like your idea?" Let Sam talk. Then, whatever his reaon, you go on to, "Sam, you don't need to tell me all those things in order to [insert whatever he said the purpose behind his behavior was]. But what you could do instead is [insert some alternative behavior that would achieve his purpose without frustrating you]. Let's make our brainstorming sessions just about ideas, and leave the resumes for a time when we really need them. Is that fair?"

In the beginning it can be embarrassing to initiate conversations with others about their behavior. But with practice, your comfort level will increase. And being able to talk candidly and authentically with people about their behavior is one of the most powerful tools in business.

Try it!

copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre www.aspyrre.com