How to Deal with a Micromanaging Boss
Bosses are tough to deal with in general. They represent authority, and they often bring back memories of what we hated most in our relationships with our parents and teachers growing up. The micro-managing boss is especially hard to handle if you are creative, innovative, and want to make a contribution of your own in an organization. But since quite a few people in management positions fit this profile, chances are you will end up with one at some point in your career. Here are some tips to help you get the space you need to thrive:
1. Understand that micromanaging behavior is driven by the positive characteristics of conscientiousness, diligence, and responsibility; it’s just that they have been taken to an extreme. People often confuse themselves with the quality of the work they produce. As long as they can control the quality of their work, they are ok, but as soon as they have to depend on others for results, they are faced with the fear of representing sloppy or substandard output. Since putting out less than excellent work is SO personally humiliating, they need constant reassurance that the team is performing. Keep in mind that behavior such as constant checking on your progress or reviewing your work has NOTHING to do with how well you perform. It is about your boss, who has gotten so caught up in his or her fears and needs for reassurance that he or she is not aware of how this behavior may be impacting you.
2. You can give yourself space by playing to their standards for excellence and needs for reassurance. Initiate a conversation about expectations and standards of work output, and make sure your boss is clear about where your standards are. If you have a difference of opinion, get it talked out and come to an agreement about what standards you are both comfortable with. Then COMMUNICATE. It’s natural to react to micro-management by doing everything possible to avoid communication. But that just plays into the vicious circle of mutual mistrust and escalates the problem. If you develop a habit of sending a short e-mail on a daily or weekly basis that gives your status on a project and how you are handling situations, the boss gets a stream of continuous reassurance, and wont feel a strong need to check in.
3. Once you have developed a certain degree of trust with your boss, you may want to take it to the next step, and that is providing feedback on the impact of the micromanaging behavior. For example, “I notice that you have redone my last three powerpoint presentations. I understand your desire to have us represented in a positive light, but you may not realize that you are sending a subtle message, that I can’t do powerpoint presentations, and that makes me feel less excited about doing them well in the first place. Is there something specific you are noticing about the way I do my presentations that does not meet the standards we agreed on related to our work?”
Unfortunately, the micro-managing boss ends up fulfilling his own fears. As he takes more responsibility for the work of the team, the team feels completely disempowered and loses the motivation to produce their best work. Soon they are complaining and doing very little, and he is fretting about how they don’t care and he has the weight of more than one job on his shoulders. It may take several attempts to help him turn around, because he needs to let go and allow himself to look bad in order to re-empower the team, build trust, and get to the point where he gets results that are better than he ever dreamed.
If you are a micro-manager, or you work for one, anything you can do to facilitate the change will be a positive learning experience. Giving your boss feedback that enables him to become a better leader is a gift he will be forever grateful for. And if you are that boss, imagine getting rid of the experience of being overworked and not being able to trust anyone, and moving to a place where you get to work with people who consistently go well beyond the call of duty, and you are so honored to be their leader that you would never consider taking ownership for the phenomenal work they put forth.
Showing posts with label bosses. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bosses. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Dealing with Frustrating People at Work
Do you ever wonder how much more work you’d get done without the people? And to prove it, do you sometimes go in on a weekend and notice that you got an entire week’s worth of work done in just two hours? Dealing with other people at work is one of the most time-consuming things you have to do. And dealing with frustrating people can downright stop productivity in its tracks.
One of the most common types of frustrating people are the ones who seem to be “blocking” your ability to move forward without any logical basis for their behavior. They might throw up additional hoops for you to jump through that seem completely insignificant. They might get distracted running in so many directions that the team can’t focus on one thing long enough to move forward. They may be polite and cooperative and seem to understand what needs to be done, but then never follow through. Or they may simply be “too busy” to help you and look completely offended and put out at the expectation that you would expect anything more out of them since they are already overworked.
We all have different work styles, and this tends to exacerbate the situation. Sometimes it can be really enlightening to learn about your work style and compare it to those on your team. Although there are many different “work style” assessments, almost all of them group people loosely into four categories:
The Visionaries: These are the leaders who see possibilities, get excited about them, and can get everyone else excited and moving in one direction, but they don’t like to bother with the details, and sometimes they get so many new ideas that they are off and running in a new direction before you have a chance to act on the first plan. If you are a visionary, process oriented people will bore you, and drive you nuts, because it will feel like they are slowing everything down to a snail’s pace while the window of opportunity closes. A good coping mechanism is to realize you need process oriented people to bring your ideas to life and build in the quality they need to stay alive.
The Systemizers: These are the process oriented people who care about the details and get things done thoroughly. They are behind high quality and reliability. Their diligence can make the difference between a brand you can trust and a “rinky dink” outfit. But they take a long time to think things through, and sometimes they are still working out the details of a project when everyone else has lost interest and moved on. If you are a systemizer, visionaries will seem like unstable lunatics, and it will be hard to see the method in their madness. One thing that can increase your appreciation for the visionaries is that they are usually the ones out there bringing customers in to appreciate what YOU have worked so hard to produce.
The Task Masters: Task masters are focused and they don’t mind pushing the team to get things done. Once their eyes are set on a goal, they drive everyone involved towards that goal and have no patience for dragging feet. Of all the work styles, task masters have the least patience for all the “people issues” that get in the way of progress. They aren’t interested in whether or not people feel fulfilled by the functions they perform, or whether people on the team actually like each other, or if things are “fair”. They just want to get to the goal as quickly as possible. If you are a task master, you may be puzzled because it seems like you are offending people left and right when all you want is to get the job done. One thing that may open your perspective to having a people pleaser on you team, is that when people are getting along emotionally, it’s amazing how much more productive they are.
The People Pleasers: People pleasers want everyone to get along, feel fulfilled, and enjoy working together. They care most about creating the kind of work environment that allows people to be their best and perform accordingly. What frustrates them the most is watching members of the team disengage because they aren’t feeling respected or valued, and they often build up a lot of resentment towards the culprits, labeling them as rude, political, or otherwise “unworthy” of respect because of their lack of consideration for their fellow human beings. If you are a people pleaser, one tool that helps is proactively looking for a positive intention behind the behaviors that offend, and taking the initiative to build stronger relationships with ALL personalities in the workplace. This enables you to use your natural strengths to help create the positive environment you cherish, and see people thrive as a result.
Understanding your work style and those of others you work closely with is a first step towards getting more done as a team. You can’t always get away from working with people, but the more you learn about how people work, the more work YOU can get done!
Do you ever wonder how much more work you’d get done without the people? And to prove it, do you sometimes go in on a weekend and notice that you got an entire week’s worth of work done in just two hours? Dealing with other people at work is one of the most time-consuming things you have to do. And dealing with frustrating people can downright stop productivity in its tracks.
One of the most common types of frustrating people are the ones who seem to be “blocking” your ability to move forward without any logical basis for their behavior. They might throw up additional hoops for you to jump through that seem completely insignificant. They might get distracted running in so many directions that the team can’t focus on one thing long enough to move forward. They may be polite and cooperative and seem to understand what needs to be done, but then never follow through. Or they may simply be “too busy” to help you and look completely offended and put out at the expectation that you would expect anything more out of them since they are already overworked.
We all have different work styles, and this tends to exacerbate the situation. Sometimes it can be really enlightening to learn about your work style and compare it to those on your team. Although there are many different “work style” assessments, almost all of them group people loosely into four categories:
The Visionaries: These are the leaders who see possibilities, get excited about them, and can get everyone else excited and moving in one direction, but they don’t like to bother with the details, and sometimes they get so many new ideas that they are off and running in a new direction before you have a chance to act on the first plan. If you are a visionary, process oriented people will bore you, and drive you nuts, because it will feel like they are slowing everything down to a snail’s pace while the window of opportunity closes. A good coping mechanism is to realize you need process oriented people to bring your ideas to life and build in the quality they need to stay alive.
The Systemizers: These are the process oriented people who care about the details and get things done thoroughly. They are behind high quality and reliability. Their diligence can make the difference between a brand you can trust and a “rinky dink” outfit. But they take a long time to think things through, and sometimes they are still working out the details of a project when everyone else has lost interest and moved on. If you are a systemizer, visionaries will seem like unstable lunatics, and it will be hard to see the method in their madness. One thing that can increase your appreciation for the visionaries is that they are usually the ones out there bringing customers in to appreciate what YOU have worked so hard to produce.
The Task Masters: Task masters are focused and they don’t mind pushing the team to get things done. Once their eyes are set on a goal, they drive everyone involved towards that goal and have no patience for dragging feet. Of all the work styles, task masters have the least patience for all the “people issues” that get in the way of progress. They aren’t interested in whether or not people feel fulfilled by the functions they perform, or whether people on the team actually like each other, or if things are “fair”. They just want to get to the goal as quickly as possible. If you are a task master, you may be puzzled because it seems like you are offending people left and right when all you want is to get the job done. One thing that may open your perspective to having a people pleaser on you team, is that when people are getting along emotionally, it’s amazing how much more productive they are.
The People Pleasers: People pleasers want everyone to get along, feel fulfilled, and enjoy working together. They care most about creating the kind of work environment that allows people to be their best and perform accordingly. What frustrates them the most is watching members of the team disengage because they aren’t feeling respected or valued, and they often build up a lot of resentment towards the culprits, labeling them as rude, political, or otherwise “unworthy” of respect because of their lack of consideration for their fellow human beings. If you are a people pleaser, one tool that helps is proactively looking for a positive intention behind the behaviors that offend, and taking the initiative to build stronger relationships with ALL personalities in the workplace. This enables you to use your natural strengths to help create the positive environment you cherish, and see people thrive as a result.
Understanding your work style and those of others you work closely with is a first step towards getting more done as a team. You can’t always get away from working with people, but the more you learn about how people work, the more work YOU can get done!
Monday, April 14, 2008
How to Get Cooperation when you Aren’t the Boss
One of the biggest frustrations in a busy work environment is having to depend on other people to get your work done. This can really drive you nuts if your personal reputation, performance review, and future at the company depends on getting results, and those results depend on others.
How can you get people to give you what you need to succeed? Especially if they are overworked, and you are not the boss? Some of the most common ways of handling this simply don’t work anymore:
1. You could send out several requests for help, document the e-mail trail, and not complete your project on time. You could show the evidence to your boss when asked. The problem with this method is that the company needs the project done in order to succeed, and whether or not they understand that you tried, they are still faced with the fact that they don’t have the results they need.
2. You could complain about the person’s lack of cooperation to their boss. However, in doing so, you’ve made them look bad, and while they may comply with your requests in the future so as not to get in trouble, they will not trust you, and may try to get by on giving you the minimum possible. This reduces your ability to put out your best work.
3. You could go talk to the person, and your success depends quite a bit on how you approach the situation. If your frustration and stress have already gotten the better of you, you may end up with less cooperation than when you started. However, if you approach the situation well, you will not only get cooperation, you will have created a long-term ally, and this insures success not only on this project, but many to come.
When thinking about the “right” approach, it often helps to put yourself in the shoes of your target, and imagine times when others have approached you for help. Stop reading for a minute and just do a quick exercise. Remember a time when someone approached you for help and you were more than willing to go beyond the call of duty to chip in, whether or not it was part of your regular tasks. Also remember a time when someone approached you for help and you just wanted them to go away. You did everything you could to get out of it. Write notes to yourself on what the situations were and what your reaction was based on.
What insights do you get from reading your results?
I did this exercise as well, and here’s what I came up with:
When I would be more than willing to go out of my way to help you:
1. I believe in your agenda, goal or purpose. Whatever you are trying to accomplish makes sense to me, and I think it should be done and done well – I’m personally on board with you.
2. I feel that you value, acknowledge and honor what I have to contribute, and I have no doubt that if given the opportunity, you will sing my praises loudly to those who matter.
3. I see a personal benefit to participating. It doesn’t necessarily have to be immediate and tangible. But if I can learn something valuable, or get to work with someone I respect, or even use this work on my resume for ongoing career growth, I’m in.
When I am NOT willing to help you:
1. I think this is your personal agenda and not necessarily good for anyone else or the company. Or, I sense that you are in conflict with someone else I respect, and I worry that helping you would put me in a difficult situation.
2. I think you are self-involved, and will use my hard work for your own gain, without crediting me for my contribution, or even appreciating what goes into what I do for you. If this is the case, I will only cooperate with you when I absolutely have to – and I will do the minimum possible.
3. I really like you and want to help you, but I am so overwhelmed with everything I have to do that I have to prioritize. There are other things that I will get into bigger trouble for not doing, and no matter how much I like you, I’m not willing to risk my job for you. While this situation requires an honest discussion with all available managers on resource allocation, if you seem seriously concerned and willing to do whatever you can to support me, I will still put you higher on the list than those who I’m not as personally connected with.
Once you’ve had a chance to consider how it would feel to be on the receiving end of a request to cooperate, here are some tips to help you more effectively get what you need from others:
1. Make sure that everyone who is contributing to your project clearly understands the purpose of the project, how it fits in with organizational goals, and what your personal agenda is related to the project. If you are hoping to get personal recognition, don’t hide this part of your motivation. People will trust you if you are up front, and it also gives them permission to expect personal recognition for their successes.
2. Make sure you always acknowledge everyone who goes out of their way to help you, and do it publicly, specifically and sincerely. Whenever you are speaking or presenting, make sure to share the positive contributions of others, whether they are present at the meeting or not. Also, send a thank you e-mail that not only acknowledges what was done but shares the value to the company and copies the person’s boss. This gift will be printed out and used many times! It doesn’t have to be contrived to be effective. Here is an example:
“Dear Kathy, I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to dig up those statistics for me the other day. I used them in my presentation to over 50 potential customers Tuesday, and they are exactly what we needed to make a strong impact. I know you have a lot on your plate, and I appreciate your support. – K”
3. Take the time to understand the priorities and workload of everyone you need support from. Don’t just say, “I know you have a lot on your plate”, when you have no real idea what they have on their plate. Make an effort to find out what they have to do. Then make your request as easy to comply with as possible. For example, if you need information, some employees will spend 90% of their time formatting it nicely for you because they think their presentation to you is a reflection of them. If they are busy and you don’t need them to do the formatting, you can request an e-mail with five quick bullets, or a list of the top 10 hyperlinks, or just the raw spreadsheet data. You may also discover other ways to make their job easier, or ways to get the information you need in the future without taking as much of their time.
When you look at who gets the most cooperation in organizations, it’s not necessarily the “bosses”. Most people want to feel respected, valued, and part of something positive. You can generate this in everyone you work with. Give respect by making an effort to understand what life is like in their shoes. Give value by consistently showing them how their work positively impacts the company. Give contribution by helping people clearly see the vision and their role in it. These are leadership skills, but you don’t need traditional power to become a true leader. You emerge as a leader by building the skills and using them consistently.
One of the biggest frustrations in a busy work environment is having to depend on other people to get your work done. This can really drive you nuts if your personal reputation, performance review, and future at the company depends on getting results, and those results depend on others.
How can you get people to give you what you need to succeed? Especially if they are overworked, and you are not the boss? Some of the most common ways of handling this simply don’t work anymore:
1. You could send out several requests for help, document the e-mail trail, and not complete your project on time. You could show the evidence to your boss when asked. The problem with this method is that the company needs the project done in order to succeed, and whether or not they understand that you tried, they are still faced with the fact that they don’t have the results they need.
2. You could complain about the person’s lack of cooperation to their boss. However, in doing so, you’ve made them look bad, and while they may comply with your requests in the future so as not to get in trouble, they will not trust you, and may try to get by on giving you the minimum possible. This reduces your ability to put out your best work.
3. You could go talk to the person, and your success depends quite a bit on how you approach the situation. If your frustration and stress have already gotten the better of you, you may end up with less cooperation than when you started. However, if you approach the situation well, you will not only get cooperation, you will have created a long-term ally, and this insures success not only on this project, but many to come.
When thinking about the “right” approach, it often helps to put yourself in the shoes of your target, and imagine times when others have approached you for help. Stop reading for a minute and just do a quick exercise. Remember a time when someone approached you for help and you were more than willing to go beyond the call of duty to chip in, whether or not it was part of your regular tasks. Also remember a time when someone approached you for help and you just wanted them to go away. You did everything you could to get out of it. Write notes to yourself on what the situations were and what your reaction was based on.
What insights do you get from reading your results?
I did this exercise as well, and here’s what I came up with:
When I would be more than willing to go out of my way to help you:
1. I believe in your agenda, goal or purpose. Whatever you are trying to accomplish makes sense to me, and I think it should be done and done well – I’m personally on board with you.
2. I feel that you value, acknowledge and honor what I have to contribute, and I have no doubt that if given the opportunity, you will sing my praises loudly to those who matter.
3. I see a personal benefit to participating. It doesn’t necessarily have to be immediate and tangible. But if I can learn something valuable, or get to work with someone I respect, or even use this work on my resume for ongoing career growth, I’m in.
When I am NOT willing to help you:
1. I think this is your personal agenda and not necessarily good for anyone else or the company. Or, I sense that you are in conflict with someone else I respect, and I worry that helping you would put me in a difficult situation.
2. I think you are self-involved, and will use my hard work for your own gain, without crediting me for my contribution, or even appreciating what goes into what I do for you. If this is the case, I will only cooperate with you when I absolutely have to – and I will do the minimum possible.
3. I really like you and want to help you, but I am so overwhelmed with everything I have to do that I have to prioritize. There are other things that I will get into bigger trouble for not doing, and no matter how much I like you, I’m not willing to risk my job for you. While this situation requires an honest discussion with all available managers on resource allocation, if you seem seriously concerned and willing to do whatever you can to support me, I will still put you higher on the list than those who I’m not as personally connected with.
Once you’ve had a chance to consider how it would feel to be on the receiving end of a request to cooperate, here are some tips to help you more effectively get what you need from others:
1. Make sure that everyone who is contributing to your project clearly understands the purpose of the project, how it fits in with organizational goals, and what your personal agenda is related to the project. If you are hoping to get personal recognition, don’t hide this part of your motivation. People will trust you if you are up front, and it also gives them permission to expect personal recognition for their successes.
2. Make sure you always acknowledge everyone who goes out of their way to help you, and do it publicly, specifically and sincerely. Whenever you are speaking or presenting, make sure to share the positive contributions of others, whether they are present at the meeting or not. Also, send a thank you e-mail that not only acknowledges what was done but shares the value to the company and copies the person’s boss. This gift will be printed out and used many times! It doesn’t have to be contrived to be effective. Here is an example:
“Dear Kathy, I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to dig up those statistics for me the other day. I used them in my presentation to over 50 potential customers Tuesday, and they are exactly what we needed to make a strong impact. I know you have a lot on your plate, and I appreciate your support. – K”
3. Take the time to understand the priorities and workload of everyone you need support from. Don’t just say, “I know you have a lot on your plate”, when you have no real idea what they have on their plate. Make an effort to find out what they have to do. Then make your request as easy to comply with as possible. For example, if you need information, some employees will spend 90% of their time formatting it nicely for you because they think their presentation to you is a reflection of them. If they are busy and you don’t need them to do the formatting, you can request an e-mail with five quick bullets, or a list of the top 10 hyperlinks, or just the raw spreadsheet data. You may also discover other ways to make their job easier, or ways to get the information you need in the future without taking as much of their time.
When you look at who gets the most cooperation in organizations, it’s not necessarily the “bosses”. Most people want to feel respected, valued, and part of something positive. You can generate this in everyone you work with. Give respect by making an effort to understand what life is like in their shoes. Give value by consistently showing them how their work positively impacts the company. Give contribution by helping people clearly see the vision and their role in it. These are leadership skills, but you don’t need traditional power to become a true leader. You emerge as a leader by building the skills and using them consistently.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Trust is a Verb
Who can you really trust? It's an interesting question, because it really depends on how you define trust. If your criteria for trust is that a person will never hurt you, let you down, or do something that impacts you negatively, then I think the answer is you can't trust anyone.
In human relationships, the closer we get, the more we open up to each other, and the more comfortable we get exposing our dark side. And part of that dark side includes allowing out some of those immature, reactive behaviors that need to be expressed in a safe place. So, when you think about it, the people who hurt you the most tend to be the people you are closest to.
You could say that your criteria for trusting a person is knowing that you can share the ugliest parts of your dark side and still be loved. But we know that's not necessarily a fail safe policy either. Relationships end and even families separate when the dark side gets too dark.
Trust is a verb. It's a choice to take a chance on someone, and allow them to slip up once in awhile, even if you know you might get hurt. I'm talking about close relationships right now, but this applies everywhere, including at work.
Those controlling micro-managers we all struggle with? Usually that control comes from fear that if they let go, the work will not meet their standards, and it will make them look bad. If they see trust as a privilege, conditional on not making any significant mistakes, they'd continuously prove themselves right. It's simply not possible for the team to produce work that is exactly as the boss has envisionned it. As soon as the boss tries to delegate, and someone makes a mistake, or puts something out that doesn't quite go right, the boss "realizes" that he was right and couldn't trust the team, reacting by jumping in to micro-manage some more.
But if trust is a proactive choice, then a micro-managing boss could change by setting clear standards and choosing to trust the team. That choice is a decision to allow the team to make mistakes, and a willingness to face the consequences if the work produced falls short. That willingness to "take the fall with the team", plants a seed of empowerment, allowing trust to build as the team realizes that now the "buck" stops with all of them. Everyone gets hurt when they don't work together. Eventually it's no longer about the boss, it's about the team, and there is no longer a need to micro-manage.
Trust is not about whether or not you will get hurt, it's about whether or not you have the courage to risk getting hurt, and the humility to forgive in advance the hurts that will ultimately be a part of any strong relationship. It's about accepting that we are all human and we all do our best most of the time. Except when we have no energy left to do our best, and we crash.
Who are you willing to trust?
What do you think will change in your life as a result?
Who can you really trust? It's an interesting question, because it really depends on how you define trust. If your criteria for trust is that a person will never hurt you, let you down, or do something that impacts you negatively, then I think the answer is you can't trust anyone.
In human relationships, the closer we get, the more we open up to each other, and the more comfortable we get exposing our dark side. And part of that dark side includes allowing out some of those immature, reactive behaviors that need to be expressed in a safe place. So, when you think about it, the people who hurt you the most tend to be the people you are closest to.
You could say that your criteria for trusting a person is knowing that you can share the ugliest parts of your dark side and still be loved. But we know that's not necessarily a fail safe policy either. Relationships end and even families separate when the dark side gets too dark.
Trust is a verb. It's a choice to take a chance on someone, and allow them to slip up once in awhile, even if you know you might get hurt. I'm talking about close relationships right now, but this applies everywhere, including at work.
Those controlling micro-managers we all struggle with? Usually that control comes from fear that if they let go, the work will not meet their standards, and it will make them look bad. If they see trust as a privilege, conditional on not making any significant mistakes, they'd continuously prove themselves right. It's simply not possible for the team to produce work that is exactly as the boss has envisionned it. As soon as the boss tries to delegate, and someone makes a mistake, or puts something out that doesn't quite go right, the boss "realizes" that he was right and couldn't trust the team, reacting by jumping in to micro-manage some more.
But if trust is a proactive choice, then a micro-managing boss could change by setting clear standards and choosing to trust the team. That choice is a decision to allow the team to make mistakes, and a willingness to face the consequences if the work produced falls short. That willingness to "take the fall with the team", plants a seed of empowerment, allowing trust to build as the team realizes that now the "buck" stops with all of them. Everyone gets hurt when they don't work together. Eventually it's no longer about the boss, it's about the team, and there is no longer a need to micro-manage.
Trust is not about whether or not you will get hurt, it's about whether or not you have the courage to risk getting hurt, and the humility to forgive in advance the hurts that will ultimately be a part of any strong relationship. It's about accepting that we are all human and we all do our best most of the time. Except when we have no energy left to do our best, and we crash.
Who are you willing to trust?
What do you think will change in your life as a result?
Sunday, February 18, 2007
When ONE relationship drives you nuts! How to get over it.
Every once in awhile, you will run into someone who gets under your skin. Maybe you are too intrigued for comfort, or consistently angry about how they treat you. If you find yourself focusing on a particular person and emotionally reacting to him or her more than you would like, it’s time to look inside yourself, and see what unmet need the person is triggering.
We all have needs, and we are driven to get them met. Unfortunately, we tend to “push down” many of our needs, because they make us feel vulnerable. Sometimes we are embarrassed of having them, and often we don’t feel like we have control over getting them met. But conscious or not, we will continue to work to get our needs met, and when the subconscious parts of our brain take over, the result is usually less-effective behavior, the kind you exhibit when you are panicking or reacting to something.
In many cases, especially with relationship needs, we begin to focus on one person and decide that they are the only person who can meet our needs. Unfortunately, this practice creates scarcity, and almost guarantees that the need will remain unmet. Even if the "focused on" person tries, they can never give enough. This sets into motion a dynamic where the person with the need is often angry and resentful, and the other person feels drained by the relationship and pulls away. This happens a lot in love relationships, but also in friendships, and in the workplace. At work it’s especially common in boss / employee relationships where the employee is focusing on the boss.
It is important to understand that all needs reside within you, and it is your responsibility to get them met – even relationship needs. This is why we have the saying “you must love yourself before you can truly love another”. If you don’t love yourself, then your relationship with someone else is only about getting love from them, which comes across as manipulating them so that you feel loved by them, instead of truly loving them by allowing them to be themselves.
Relationship needs are satisfied in the energy that is created through connection with others. But you aren’t limited to or dependent on how others treat you. You have a relationship with yourself, and you may have a spiritual relationship with a higher being. If there were no other people on the planet, you would instinctively be driven to create special relationships with animals and plants. Potential for relationship is everywhere, and it’s bi-directional. You don’t just get it – you co-create it. That’s why giving so often feels like receiving, and people are often driven to give what they most need from others. It’s a strategy that sometimes works, and works even better if you are aware of your true motive for giving.
To “let go” of the person you are focusing on, you need to do two things:
1. Identify the need you are trying to get met from that particular person.
2. Get that need met outside the relationship, in as many other ways as possible.
Initially, it will seem like there’s no other place to get the need met, or that the other places don’t matter, but this what I call “panic mode”, where your brain stops the creative thinking process and has fallen into the adrenaline driven action process. To create abundance from scarcity, you get your brain working on how to get the need met outside of the relationship you are focusing on, and the way to do that is ask yourself questions. Here are some you can start with:
1. What is the specific feeling I get when this need is met?
2. What are all the situations where I get a similar feeling?
3. How can I co-create something similar (although perhaps not as good) in my other relationships?
4. What can I do in my relationship with myself to get this need met?
Even though some people aren’t as interesting as other people, there are usually enough of the base components available in everyone you meet, so that you can co-create a little bit of what you need in various different people, which is usually the healthiest and most empowering way to get your core relationship needs met.
At a deeper level, you may have to listen hard to the negative voices in your head. Usually, the biggest culprit in unmet relationship needs is that “voice” that hangs out in your head and talks to you all day. If it’s critical and unloving, it tends to suck more out of you than anyone outside of you. Sometimes the best way to get a relationship need met is to be a better friend to yourself.
The basic needs model is simple – but the process is always easier said than done. If you find that the concept I’m writing about makes sense, but you can’t seem to move yourself out of the emotional trap, it might be useful to get some coaching.
I now have an on-line needs assessment available that takes about 20 – 40 minutes to fill out. If you’d like to take a needs assessment, send an e-mail to nahid@aspyrre.com requesting one, and I’d be happy to get you set up.
Copyright © 2007, Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre.
Every once in awhile, you will run into someone who gets under your skin. Maybe you are too intrigued for comfort, or consistently angry about how they treat you. If you find yourself focusing on a particular person and emotionally reacting to him or her more than you would like, it’s time to look inside yourself, and see what unmet need the person is triggering.
We all have needs, and we are driven to get them met. Unfortunately, we tend to “push down” many of our needs, because they make us feel vulnerable. Sometimes we are embarrassed of having them, and often we don’t feel like we have control over getting them met. But conscious or not, we will continue to work to get our needs met, and when the subconscious parts of our brain take over, the result is usually less-effective behavior, the kind you exhibit when you are panicking or reacting to something.
In many cases, especially with relationship needs, we begin to focus on one person and decide that they are the only person who can meet our needs. Unfortunately, this practice creates scarcity, and almost guarantees that the need will remain unmet. Even if the "focused on" person tries, they can never give enough. This sets into motion a dynamic where the person with the need is often angry and resentful, and the other person feels drained by the relationship and pulls away. This happens a lot in love relationships, but also in friendships, and in the workplace. At work it’s especially common in boss / employee relationships where the employee is focusing on the boss.
It is important to understand that all needs reside within you, and it is your responsibility to get them met – even relationship needs. This is why we have the saying “you must love yourself before you can truly love another”. If you don’t love yourself, then your relationship with someone else is only about getting love from them, which comes across as manipulating them so that you feel loved by them, instead of truly loving them by allowing them to be themselves.
Relationship needs are satisfied in the energy that is created through connection with others. But you aren’t limited to or dependent on how others treat you. You have a relationship with yourself, and you may have a spiritual relationship with a higher being. If there were no other people on the planet, you would instinctively be driven to create special relationships with animals and plants. Potential for relationship is everywhere, and it’s bi-directional. You don’t just get it – you co-create it. That’s why giving so often feels like receiving, and people are often driven to give what they most need from others. It’s a strategy that sometimes works, and works even better if you are aware of your true motive for giving.
To “let go” of the person you are focusing on, you need to do two things:
1. Identify the need you are trying to get met from that particular person.
2. Get that need met outside the relationship, in as many other ways as possible.
Initially, it will seem like there’s no other place to get the need met, or that the other places don’t matter, but this what I call “panic mode”, where your brain stops the creative thinking process and has fallen into the adrenaline driven action process. To create abundance from scarcity, you get your brain working on how to get the need met outside of the relationship you are focusing on, and the way to do that is ask yourself questions. Here are some you can start with:
1. What is the specific feeling I get when this need is met?
2. What are all the situations where I get a similar feeling?
3. How can I co-create something similar (although perhaps not as good) in my other relationships?
4. What can I do in my relationship with myself to get this need met?
Even though some people aren’t as interesting as other people, there are usually enough of the base components available in everyone you meet, so that you can co-create a little bit of what you need in various different people, which is usually the healthiest and most empowering way to get your core relationship needs met.
At a deeper level, you may have to listen hard to the negative voices in your head. Usually, the biggest culprit in unmet relationship needs is that “voice” that hangs out in your head and talks to you all day. If it’s critical and unloving, it tends to suck more out of you than anyone outside of you. Sometimes the best way to get a relationship need met is to be a better friend to yourself.
The basic needs model is simple – but the process is always easier said than done. If you find that the concept I’m writing about makes sense, but you can’t seem to move yourself out of the emotional trap, it might be useful to get some coaching.
I now have an on-line needs assessment available that takes about 20 – 40 minutes to fill out. If you’d like to take a needs assessment, send an e-mail to nahid@aspyrre.com requesting one, and I’d be happy to get you set up.
Copyright © 2007, Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
