Trust is a Verb

Who can you really trust? It's an interesting question, because it really depends on how you define trust. If your criteria for trust is that a person will never hurt you, let you down, or do something that impacts you negatively, then I think the answer is you can't trust anyone.

In human relationships, the closer we get, the more we open up to each other, and the more comfortable we get exposing our dark side. And part of that dark side includes allowing out some of those immature, reactive behaviors that need to be expressed in a safe place. So, when you think about it, the people who hurt you the most tend to be the people you are closest to.

You could say that your criteria for trusting a person is knowing that you can share the ugliest parts of your dark side and still be loved. But we know that's not necessarily a fail safe policy either. Relationships end and even families separate when the dark side gets too dark.

Trust is a verb. It's a choice to take a chance on someone, and allow them to slip up once in awhile, even if you know you might get hurt. I'm talking about close relationships right now, but this applies everywhere, including at work.

Those controlling micro-managers we all struggle with? Usually that control comes from fear that if they let go, the work will not meet their standards, and it will make them look bad. If they see trust as a privilege, conditional on not making any significant mistakes, they'd continuously prove themselves right. It's simply not possible for the team to produce work that is exactly as the boss has envisionned it. As soon as the boss tries to delegate, and someone makes a mistake, or puts something out that doesn't quite go right, the boss "realizes" that he was right and couldn't trust the team, reacting by jumping in to micro-manage some more.

But if trust is a proactive choice, then a micro-managing boss could change by setting clear standards and choosing to trust the team. That choice is a decision to allow the team to make mistakes, and a willingness to face the consequences if the work produced falls short. That willingness to "take the fall with the team", plants a seed of empowerment, allowing trust to build as the team realizes that now the "buck" stops with all of them. Everyone gets hurt when they don't work together. Eventually it's no longer about the boss, it's about the team, and there is no longer a need to micro-manage.

Trust is not about whether or not you will get hurt, it's about whether or not you have the courage to risk getting hurt, and the humility to forgive in advance the hurts that will ultimately be a part of any strong relationship. It's about accepting that we are all human and we all do our best most of the time. Except when we have no energy left to do our best, and we crash.

Who are you willing to trust?

What do you think will change in your life as a result?