Can you Love a Loser?
This may seem like a silly question, but in it lies one of the most critical secrets to success, both personally and professionally. So play with me for a minute.
Who jumps into your mind when you think of a loser?
If you feel a twinge of guilt and find yourself trying to shove those unkind thoughts from your mind, bring them back! Your thoughts wont hurt anyone, but not being aware of your own judgments will definitely hurt you! Plus, having some examples in your head as you read the rest of this article will help you apply it.
It’s important to be aware of what behaviors or characteristics point you to the label “loser”. Take out a piece of paper and jot down the top three to five characteristics your losers have in common – the ones that put them in that category for you.
Just for fun and personal insight, write the opposite of all of these traits and consider whether or not they are a reflection of your top values. For example, if you put “doesn’t take care of self”, does “caring for self” rank high on your list of desirable attributes?
Now, I want you to think about loving your losers. Not in a romantic sense, but actively seeking to understand how they see the world. What do they wake up hoping for and wondering? What do they think about and struggle with throughout the day? What causes them pain, and how do they try to get their needs met? What do they stand for?
When I ask you if you can love your losers, I don’t mean tolerate. And I don’t mean pity or have compassion for. What I’m asking is would you stand up for them, could you believe in them, could you accept the life they have created for themselves and actually see something intriguing, interesting, or enjoyable in it?
Be honest, and pay attention to your answer!
It provides the key to reaching YOUR highest potential. Why? Because what you are extending outwards is usually about as much as what you are extending inwards. Everyone you interact with is a mirror – what you see in them exists in you as well.
The losers of the world are your greatest gifts, because they show you the parts of yourself you haven’t yet accepted and embraced.
You have probably have heard that believing in yourself is one of the most important keys to success. You may have also heard that confidence and self-esteem come from unconditional self-acceptance. Most people agree with the concept in theory, but living it is another story.
I think the biggest fear people have is the idea that if they accept a negative characteristic inside themselves it means they are condoning it. I don’t think self-love is about that at all. I think it’s about seeing the value in the “negative” parts of yourself, and using ALL of yourself to create what you want instead of relying ONLY on the positive traits.
My husband is into golf, so I find myself watching Tiger Woods and Phil Michelson play a lot. They are the greatest players today, and you know what I notice? How many times they fail. I so admire that they can get up there and fail in front of the world over and over again, yet stay focused and keep going after wins. THAT’s what makes them the best. Look at any sport and you’ll see the same pattern.
In life, these patterns show up as well:
· Are the most responsible people really responsible all the time? Or are they the ones who don’t let their irresponsible moments get the better of them?
· Are the kindest people incapable of being hurtful? Or do they consistently work to be aware of how they impact others, and take responsibility for the times they are hurtful?
· Do the most successful business people always win, or are they the ones who have failed enough so they know how to turn things around?
· In sales, who has survived more rejection, the star sales people or the average ones?
· Are the smartest kids really smart all the time, or are they simply more intrigued and curious about the stuff they don’t yet understand?
Part of what holds us back from success is fear of failure, and even deeper than that, fear of BEING a loser.
If your fear of being a loser disappeared, what would be different for you? And how would that impact your life?
Think about it – can you love a loser?
Copyright ©2008, Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre
Showing posts with label personal growth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal growth. Show all posts
Monday, February 11, 2008
Monday, January 07, 2008
The Perfect New Year’s Resolution
This year, I made the perfect New Year’s resolution. I knew it was perfect as soon as I chose it, and as a coach, I immediately wondered if there was a way to explain what I did, so others can also make “perfect” resolutions. It’s almost easier to explain what not to do, so I’ll start with that.
A perfect resolution is NOT a goal that requires more energy than you have to achieve it.
Most people pick the hardest thing they can think of, the one thing they struggle the most with: losing weight, quitting smoking, making loads of money, finding that perfect relationship or job, and make THAT their resolution. But just the thought of doing what it will take to succeed is draining. Some people muster up a whole bunch of will power and make some progress. Others peter out before they get started.
When I considered my “goals” for the year: exercising more, eating healthier, spending more time with family, getting more organized, taking my business to the next level…. just writing the list felt draining and made me want to stay “on vacation” longer.
However, when I started thinking about how I wanted to live differently in 2008, I uncovered deeper, more important things. I asked myself how I was living my life when I was organized, in tune with my family, and being the person I wanted to be, compared to how I was living my life when I was disorganized, distracted, and not as successful? I noticed a distinct pattern. On my “bad” days I was beating myself up, feeling ashamed of the things that weren’t working, and putting pressure on myself to do more and do better. The pressure drained my energy though, so I was actually doing less, and feeling worse! On my “good” days, I wasn’t paying much attention to how well I was doing, I was just doing. My mental state was more present and focused, and my emotional state was a combination of authenticity and humility.
I decided that in 2008 I want to spend more time feeling present, focused, authentic, and humble, and less time feeling pressured, anxious, ashamed, and frustrated. My “perfect” resolution was to stop the internal pressure. For me, it means that when I notice I’m not living up to whatever external standard I set for myself, to give myself the benefit of the doubt instead of allowing an inner tirade of negative self talk.
Why is this resolution perfect?
1. It doesn’t drain my energy – it excites me! Imagine living life and not feeling negative internal pressure!
2. It’s a resolution because it will require my constant attention until it becomes a habit. I have to consciously remind myself that it’s ok to take a nap or leave the dishes or not send out cards this year. Otherwise I’ll automatically fall back into the negative pressure pattern.
3. It’s in-line with my values and allows me to achieve my goals. When I don’t put pressure on myself, I’m honoring the person I really am, which reflects my values of integrity and authenticity. When I don’t put pressure on myself, I have more energy, which I naturally apply to achieving my goals. This past week I spent lots of time exercising, organizing, and “being” with my family, and it felt natural.
If I am able to keep this resolution, I’ll not only get to live a more enjoyable life, I’ll also have a much easier time achieving ALL of those other goals on my list. So it’s enjoyable and productive at the same time! Perfect!
Your “perfect” resolution will probably be different from mine, but the steps you take to discover it can be the same:
1. Ask yourself how you lived in 2007 and what you would change?
2. Compare the times you were living the way you wanted to live with the times you weren’t. Or, compare your “good times” with your “bad times”. See if you notice any patterns.
3. Think about what parts of the patterns you control. For example, you can’t control the things that happen to you, but you might be able to control how you think about them or how you handle them.
4. Ask yourself, is there anything about how you thought about things or handled things in 2007 that worked especially well? Is this something you could increase in 2008?
5. If you did, how would your life change in 2008? Would the changes excite you? Would it be worth the heightened awareness and conscious effort it would take to make the change?
If so, you may have stumbled on your “perfect resolution”!
So far, I’m truly enjoying my resolution. The trick is to stay aware and conscious of it, even after the novelty of the New Year passes. Keep me posted on what you decide, and how it changes your life – I’d love to hear!
Copyright © January 2008, Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre,www.aspyrre.com (949) 495-1021
This year, I made the perfect New Year’s resolution. I knew it was perfect as soon as I chose it, and as a coach, I immediately wondered if there was a way to explain what I did, so others can also make “perfect” resolutions. It’s almost easier to explain what not to do, so I’ll start with that.
A perfect resolution is NOT a goal that requires more energy than you have to achieve it.
Most people pick the hardest thing they can think of, the one thing they struggle the most with: losing weight, quitting smoking, making loads of money, finding that perfect relationship or job, and make THAT their resolution. But just the thought of doing what it will take to succeed is draining. Some people muster up a whole bunch of will power and make some progress. Others peter out before they get started.
When I considered my “goals” for the year: exercising more, eating healthier, spending more time with family, getting more organized, taking my business to the next level…. just writing the list felt draining and made me want to stay “on vacation” longer.
However, when I started thinking about how I wanted to live differently in 2008, I uncovered deeper, more important things. I asked myself how I was living my life when I was organized, in tune with my family, and being the person I wanted to be, compared to how I was living my life when I was disorganized, distracted, and not as successful? I noticed a distinct pattern. On my “bad” days I was beating myself up, feeling ashamed of the things that weren’t working, and putting pressure on myself to do more and do better. The pressure drained my energy though, so I was actually doing less, and feeling worse! On my “good” days, I wasn’t paying much attention to how well I was doing, I was just doing. My mental state was more present and focused, and my emotional state was a combination of authenticity and humility.
I decided that in 2008 I want to spend more time feeling present, focused, authentic, and humble, and less time feeling pressured, anxious, ashamed, and frustrated. My “perfect” resolution was to stop the internal pressure. For me, it means that when I notice I’m not living up to whatever external standard I set for myself, to give myself the benefit of the doubt instead of allowing an inner tirade of negative self talk.
Why is this resolution perfect?
1. It doesn’t drain my energy – it excites me! Imagine living life and not feeling negative internal pressure!
2. It’s a resolution because it will require my constant attention until it becomes a habit. I have to consciously remind myself that it’s ok to take a nap or leave the dishes or not send out cards this year. Otherwise I’ll automatically fall back into the negative pressure pattern.
3. It’s in-line with my values and allows me to achieve my goals. When I don’t put pressure on myself, I’m honoring the person I really am, which reflects my values of integrity and authenticity. When I don’t put pressure on myself, I have more energy, which I naturally apply to achieving my goals. This past week I spent lots of time exercising, organizing, and “being” with my family, and it felt natural.
If I am able to keep this resolution, I’ll not only get to live a more enjoyable life, I’ll also have a much easier time achieving ALL of those other goals on my list. So it’s enjoyable and productive at the same time! Perfect!
Your “perfect” resolution will probably be different from mine, but the steps you take to discover it can be the same:
1. Ask yourself how you lived in 2007 and what you would change?
2. Compare the times you were living the way you wanted to live with the times you weren’t. Or, compare your “good times” with your “bad times”. See if you notice any patterns.
3. Think about what parts of the patterns you control. For example, you can’t control the things that happen to you, but you might be able to control how you think about them or how you handle them.
4. Ask yourself, is there anything about how you thought about things or handled things in 2007 that worked especially well? Is this something you could increase in 2008?
5. If you did, how would your life change in 2008? Would the changes excite you? Would it be worth the heightened awareness and conscious effort it would take to make the change?
If so, you may have stumbled on your “perfect resolution”!
So far, I’m truly enjoying my resolution. The trick is to stay aware and conscious of it, even after the novelty of the New Year passes. Keep me posted on what you decide, and how it changes your life – I’d love to hear!
Copyright © January 2008, Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre,
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Trust is a Verb
Who can you really trust? It's an interesting question, because it really depends on how you define trust. If your criteria for trust is that a person will never hurt you, let you down, or do something that impacts you negatively, then I think the answer is you can't trust anyone.
In human relationships, the closer we get, the more we open up to each other, and the more comfortable we get exposing our dark side. And part of that dark side includes allowing out some of those immature, reactive behaviors that need to be expressed in a safe place. So, when you think about it, the people who hurt you the most tend to be the people you are closest to.
You could say that your criteria for trusting a person is knowing that you can share the ugliest parts of your dark side and still be loved. But we know that's not necessarily a fail safe policy either. Relationships end and even families separate when the dark side gets too dark.
Trust is a verb. It's a choice to take a chance on someone, and allow them to slip up once in awhile, even if you know you might get hurt. I'm talking about close relationships right now, but this applies everywhere, including at work.
Those controlling micro-managers we all struggle with? Usually that control comes from fear that if they let go, the work will not meet their standards, and it will make them look bad. If they see trust as a privilege, conditional on not making any significant mistakes, they'd continuously prove themselves right. It's simply not possible for the team to produce work that is exactly as the boss has envisionned it. As soon as the boss tries to delegate, and someone makes a mistake, or puts something out that doesn't quite go right, the boss "realizes" that he was right and couldn't trust the team, reacting by jumping in to micro-manage some more.
But if trust is a proactive choice, then a micro-managing boss could change by setting clear standards and choosing to trust the team. That choice is a decision to allow the team to make mistakes, and a willingness to face the consequences if the work produced falls short. That willingness to "take the fall with the team", plants a seed of empowerment, allowing trust to build as the team realizes that now the "buck" stops with all of them. Everyone gets hurt when they don't work together. Eventually it's no longer about the boss, it's about the team, and there is no longer a need to micro-manage.
Trust is not about whether or not you will get hurt, it's about whether or not you have the courage to risk getting hurt, and the humility to forgive in advance the hurts that will ultimately be a part of any strong relationship. It's about accepting that we are all human and we all do our best most of the time. Except when we have no energy left to do our best, and we crash.
Who are you willing to trust?
What do you think will change in your life as a result?
Who can you really trust? It's an interesting question, because it really depends on how you define trust. If your criteria for trust is that a person will never hurt you, let you down, or do something that impacts you negatively, then I think the answer is you can't trust anyone.
In human relationships, the closer we get, the more we open up to each other, and the more comfortable we get exposing our dark side. And part of that dark side includes allowing out some of those immature, reactive behaviors that need to be expressed in a safe place. So, when you think about it, the people who hurt you the most tend to be the people you are closest to.
You could say that your criteria for trusting a person is knowing that you can share the ugliest parts of your dark side and still be loved. But we know that's not necessarily a fail safe policy either. Relationships end and even families separate when the dark side gets too dark.
Trust is a verb. It's a choice to take a chance on someone, and allow them to slip up once in awhile, even if you know you might get hurt. I'm talking about close relationships right now, but this applies everywhere, including at work.
Those controlling micro-managers we all struggle with? Usually that control comes from fear that if they let go, the work will not meet their standards, and it will make them look bad. If they see trust as a privilege, conditional on not making any significant mistakes, they'd continuously prove themselves right. It's simply not possible for the team to produce work that is exactly as the boss has envisionned it. As soon as the boss tries to delegate, and someone makes a mistake, or puts something out that doesn't quite go right, the boss "realizes" that he was right and couldn't trust the team, reacting by jumping in to micro-manage some more.
But if trust is a proactive choice, then a micro-managing boss could change by setting clear standards and choosing to trust the team. That choice is a decision to allow the team to make mistakes, and a willingness to face the consequences if the work produced falls short. That willingness to "take the fall with the team", plants a seed of empowerment, allowing trust to build as the team realizes that now the "buck" stops with all of them. Everyone gets hurt when they don't work together. Eventually it's no longer about the boss, it's about the team, and there is no longer a need to micro-manage.
Trust is not about whether or not you will get hurt, it's about whether or not you have the courage to risk getting hurt, and the humility to forgive in advance the hurts that will ultimately be a part of any strong relationship. It's about accepting that we are all human and we all do our best most of the time. Except when we have no energy left to do our best, and we crash.
Who are you willing to trust?
What do you think will change in your life as a result?
Friday, June 08, 2007
What gets in the way of successful coaching?
Recently, I particpated in a study that attempted to measure the key factors that determine success in an executive coaching engagement. When I compared what I consider to be my “successful” vs “unsuccessful” coaching engagements, I don’t believe the survey enabled me to get to the crux of what I believe made the real difference, but it certainly made me think seriously about the issue.
To me: “Successful” meant that they were able to make significant behavioral changes and become more effective within their organizations at achieving their goals. “Unsuccessful” meant that they were not able to change the behavior patterns that got in the way of their success.
What happened in the successful engagements is that they were emotionally open and ready to change a way of looking at the world that wasn’t serving them anymore, and as a result, they could change the way they interacted in the world. The reason they were able to do this may have had to do with my coaching skills, but there were two additional factors: (1) how “deep” the negative paradigm was ingrained, and (2) how personally threatening it was for them to let go of it.
In successful engagements, the shifts that were required were mostly non-threatening and not too deep, and when they were, the client had a lot of personal courage and trust in me, and they were ready to dig into some of their dirt. Some of this is related to how experienced I am as a coach, because I create the safe and trusting environment, but if they aren’t ready to see things differently, they wont be able to – no matter what I say or do.
In the unsuccessful engagements, most clients were trapped – stuck tight in negative belief patterns they couldn’t break out of. For example:
One client was very talented, but so locked in a power struggle with his boss that as soon as he started succeeding he had to sabotage himself. In this case he would have never succeeded with this boss, but if I’d had more time with him, we might have at least gotten him some clarity and tools to understand what drove the sabotage.
Another two clients were doing very well until they got to a point in their coaching where it got too scary for them and they weren’t ready to go any further. With one, I suggested a 360 and it scared him, because he didn’t want to see the feedback from his team. So he started slowing down and avoiding the sessions. With another, she had a conflict with someone and created a villain story she did not want to let go of. Since conversations with me forced her to take responsibility for her role in this conflict, she went into avoidance mode and ended the sessions.
In the most successful engagements, we either did not run into these brick walls or the client had the courage to face them. So in these cases, success often has more to do with the client’s courage and commitment to going below the surface issue and addressing the real issue than whether or not they show up to sessions. While two of my clients handled their fear by pre-maturely ending the sessions, the others were very committed on the surface but kept dancing around the real issues until they couldn’t anymore.
Where the coach’s experience comes in is here: When I was less experienced, I allowed my clients to lead me around and around in circles above the real issue. Now that I’m more experienced I am able to cut through to what’s more important earlier.
I think what's important about that is that for clients who really aren't ready to make a significant change, they either wont engage at all or we'll hit the brick wall within the first few sessions, and we wont waste time and money dancing around the issue. With clients who are ready, we'll get there faster and we'll struggle earlier, but results will happen faster.
What does this mean if you are considering hiring a coach? Know what you want to change, and be willing to consider different perspectives and new ways of looking at your situations. It may feel uncomfortable up front, but usually every time you make a shift, you feel relief and you realize that what you were clinging to was just causing you pain.
Recently, I particpated in a study that attempted to measure the key factors that determine success in an executive coaching engagement. When I compared what I consider to be my “successful” vs “unsuccessful” coaching engagements, I don’t believe the survey enabled me to get to the crux of what I believe made the real difference, but it certainly made me think seriously about the issue.
To me: “Successful” meant that they were able to make significant behavioral changes and become more effective within their organizations at achieving their goals. “Unsuccessful” meant that they were not able to change the behavior patterns that got in the way of their success.
What happened in the successful engagements is that they were emotionally open and ready to change a way of looking at the world that wasn’t serving them anymore, and as a result, they could change the way they interacted in the world. The reason they were able to do this may have had to do with my coaching skills, but there were two additional factors: (1) how “deep” the negative paradigm was ingrained, and (2) how personally threatening it was for them to let go of it.
In successful engagements, the shifts that were required were mostly non-threatening and not too deep, and when they were, the client had a lot of personal courage and trust in me, and they were ready to dig into some of their dirt. Some of this is related to how experienced I am as a coach, because I create the safe and trusting environment, but if they aren’t ready to see things differently, they wont be able to – no matter what I say or do.
In the unsuccessful engagements, most clients were trapped – stuck tight in negative belief patterns they couldn’t break out of. For example:
One client was very talented, but so locked in a power struggle with his boss that as soon as he started succeeding he had to sabotage himself. In this case he would have never succeeded with this boss, but if I’d had more time with him, we might have at least gotten him some clarity and tools to understand what drove the sabotage.
Another two clients were doing very well until they got to a point in their coaching where it got too scary for them and they weren’t ready to go any further. With one, I suggested a 360 and it scared him, because he didn’t want to see the feedback from his team. So he started slowing down and avoiding the sessions. With another, she had a conflict with someone and created a villain story she did not want to let go of. Since conversations with me forced her to take responsibility for her role in this conflict, she went into avoidance mode and ended the sessions.
In the most successful engagements, we either did not run into these brick walls or the client had the courage to face them. So in these cases, success often has more to do with the client’s courage and commitment to going below the surface issue and addressing the real issue than whether or not they show up to sessions. While two of my clients handled their fear by pre-maturely ending the sessions, the others were very committed on the surface but kept dancing around the real issues until they couldn’t anymore.
Where the coach’s experience comes in is here: When I was less experienced, I allowed my clients to lead me around and around in circles above the real issue. Now that I’m more experienced I am able to cut through to what’s more important earlier.
I think what's important about that is that for clients who really aren't ready to make a significant change, they either wont engage at all or we'll hit the brick wall within the first few sessions, and we wont waste time and money dancing around the issue. With clients who are ready, we'll get there faster and we'll struggle earlier, but results will happen faster.
What does this mean if you are considering hiring a coach? Know what you want to change, and be willing to consider different perspectives and new ways of looking at your situations. It may feel uncomfortable up front, but usually every time you make a shift, you feel relief and you realize that what you were clinging to was just causing you pain.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
