Will you Really Change this Year?
If you could change anything, what would be different by the end of this year? It’s a question I often ask clients, but in January, it crosses almost everyone’s mind. The thing is, change doesn’t happen just by thinking about it, and that’s why most New Years Resolutions fail. Our brains and bodies like habits because they make life more efficient, but if your current habits are keeping you stuck, it will take more than a burst of commitment to change them. Here are five tips to help you make real and lasting change:
1. You need to know why it’s important to change, and your reason has to matter to YOU, at a deep emotional level.
Too many people resolve to quit smoking or go on a diet because they know they should for their health. The problem is they still feel ok, and the good feelings they get from smoking or eating are so much more positive, clear and strong than the concept in their mind of what it will feel like to be healthier. Those who succeed are either scared by a close call (powerfully emotional), or they are able to attach themselves to a clear, emotional, and positive vision of themselves in a healthier body. That clear vision and positive emotion is the thing that keeps them going as they develop new habits.
2. Get clear on what actions you are willing to take, for how long, and how you will decide whether it’s worth it to keep acting if you aren’t getting results.
The sad thing about most goals is that it takes longer to get results than what you would expect. When you don’t get results, it’s easy to get into a slump of not working as hard, which slows you down even more. One thing that helps is rewarding yourself for effort as opposed to results. When you know you are putting in your best effort, it’s hard to get down on yourself, and easier to keep going until you’ve gathered enough momentum to start seeing results.
3. Detach yourself emotionally from failure, get used to it, and learn from it.
While it’s powerful to be emotionally attached to the vision that drives you forward, it’s painful to be emotionally attached to the little failures along the way. You have to get over being embarrassed about looking like a dork, or comparing yourself to others who seem to be doing it better or faster. The successful people in this world have failed many more times than the failures. Who do you want to be?
4. Develop habits that support your success.
Habits and routines can form a strong foundation for success, helping you maintain consistent behaviors that build on themselves over time. Your brain likes habits, and if you do the same thing enough times in a row it will become automatic. Habits can work for you or against you, and the more habits you can develop to work for you, the easier it will be for you to create lasting and permanent change. This works with meals, exercise routines, sales calls, building your network, managing people, running meetings, and just about anything else.
5. Adopt a mindset that matches your change.
Your mind is powerful. It dictates what you notice in the world, what you decide it means, how you respond, and ultimately what shows up for you. It’s almost lucky that it takes awhile to make most changes on the outside, because if your mind doesn’t catch up, you can easily spiral right back to where you started. The way to prevent this is NOTICE that running commentary in your head and THINK about how that running commentary might be different if you succeed. Instead of “I need a smoke” every time things get stressful, it might be “I need a walk” or “a break” or “ten minutes to think with my door closed and a cup of tea”. Start playing with new ways to think that match the way you want to be thinking about the world once you have succeeded.
6. BONUS - Get a support system!
Studies show that people are three times as likely to make a change when they have a support system in place – usually a group of people who are in it together. You can put together a mastermind group, or join a support group, or even get a buddy to work with you, and the natural synergy and support will propel you forward. I have to make a sales pitch here – JOIN the Aspyrre Community and as long as you show up on the phone calls it’s almost inevitable that you will change. We are continuously learning and working with tools that help you move yourself to the next level, and hearing other people with similar challenges talk about their experiences is invaluable.
It all comes down to this. Do you really want things to change this year? If you do, you will need to do something different. Something that moves you out of your current habitual way of living. It can be as small as joining the community and showing up on calls or as big as moving to a brand new place physically and developing a whole new living routine. But do SOMETHING different – and lay the foundation for real and lasting change.
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Monday, January 10, 2011
Monday, April 13, 2009
When what Works stops Working - Adapting to Change
Everything was going fine, in fact it was easy, and I decided it was time to take it to the next level. I was confident and ready to move. But as soon as I decided, the level I was standing on collapsed. After eight years of coaching, all I had to do was show up at a couple of professional organizations to speak each quarter, stay in touch with my clients and business network, and clients showed up. But suddenly, they slowed down – big time.
So, I figured, well hey – with the economy as it is, maybe I need to just “up the pace” a bit. I made three times as many presentations, talked to what seemed like fifty potential clients, and I wasn’t getting hired. Not as quickly anyway. I lowered my rates; I raised my rates. It didn’t make a difference. People were “thinking about it” but not buying. Or they’d buy much less than in the past – just a few sessions or a few months or a lower level program. I qualified harder. I started following up more. Still people hesitated. I listened to what people needed, and came up with new and different programs. To some extent people responded. But it was still too early to tell. Bottom line, I was working three times as hard to bring in half as much business.
I began to get frustrated, questioning myself, resenting the extra work that was taking me away from family, yet not bringing them any financial benefits to make up for it all. I began to feel drained, wanting to take time off, yet not being able to enjoy the breaks, from worry that I was wasting time. One minute I’d be excited about a new direction I was taking, the next minute I’d feel like a complete idiot for things not being easy anymore, but there were no answers. I couldn’t go back, and I couldn’t see the way forward.
One morning I woke up with a pit of anxiety in my stomach, and suddenly I had a flash of recognition. I’m in stage one of decisive change! I wrote about this – something like six years ago. What are the symptoms?
1. Every action takes more energy than you think it should
2. It feels like you are on an emotional roller coaster
3. The people who supported you as your old self don’t really believe in your “new self”
4. Your progress feels like it’s being sabotaged at every turn, both from without and from within.
As soon as I remembered the article, I felt relief, and also like maybe I was moving into “stage two”. When you understand how transition works, and know what to expect, it suddenly seems like you are going in a straight line instead of spinning in circles and you can begin to make sense of things. Here is a link to the article on the stages of change if you want to read the whole thing: Stages of Decisive Change
What does it mean, spinning in change, whether you’ve found yourself here, or been thrust here? The bottom line is that it’s not comfortable and it’s not going to get comfortable for awhile. The worst thing about change is the unknown. You can’t know how things will turn out. You can’t know if your “solution” to the problem will work. You can’t rely on things like focus, because it might blind you to the different opportunities that exist now that things have changed. You can’t rely on things like flexibility, because it might prevent you from working long enough on an idea to see it bear fruit. You simply can’t approach the unknown knowing what will work. And that makes it nearly impossible to plan and allocate resources.
So what can you rely on?
1. Action. Even if you take action towards a goal that ultimately changes, 80% of your work is transferrable, meaning if ultimately you decide to go in a completely different direction than you are moving now you only lose 20% of it.
2. Rest. Most people spin their wheels to the point of exhaustion when they are under the stress of transition, and it does nothing but make them less effective. Each day make sure to stop, and rest, run, veg out, hang out – whatever rejuvenates you. Getting your needs met gives you the energy you need to be confident next round.
3. Detach from the Results. I’m not sure why we fail so much more when we are in transition, but that seems to be the way things happen. This is a time to get used to failing and not take it personally. The sooner as you get used to it, the easier it will be to act, and the more quickly you’ll get to the succeeding part.
4. Get Support. Trying to handle transition alone is like going off to war without an army. The hard thing about getting support is that we are such a self-sufficient society and it feels weak to let others know we need help. There are many ways to get support from joining networking or church groups, to enrolling in transition programs. It doesn’t matter how you get support, but if you pretend you don’t need it – chances are you are slowing yourself way down. (I’m currently running several transition support programs and also have a “transition with me” blog series designed to walk you through the transition process – step by step)
5. Do Something that is Hard for you. The number one thing that will get you through a transition is confidence. A few weeks ago, my son’s martial arts teacher told the kids, “the way to get confidence is to do something that is hard for you”. If you do ONE thing that is hard for you every day, how much more confident would you be? And, as a result what would change about your transition?
So this is what I have been doing – something hard for me each day. I can’t tell you how my story will turn out, because I haven’t made it all the way through this transition tunnel. But today I committed to sharing my transition with clients and readers in a blog series called “transition with me”. I figure we can connect and work through this transition together in an e-community just as easily as any other support system. I hope you check it out and enjoy your process more for going through it with me.
Everything was going fine, in fact it was easy, and I decided it was time to take it to the next level. I was confident and ready to move. But as soon as I decided, the level I was standing on collapsed. After eight years of coaching, all I had to do was show up at a couple of professional organizations to speak each quarter, stay in touch with my clients and business network, and clients showed up. But suddenly, they slowed down – big time.
So, I figured, well hey – with the economy as it is, maybe I need to just “up the pace” a bit. I made three times as many presentations, talked to what seemed like fifty potential clients, and I wasn’t getting hired. Not as quickly anyway. I lowered my rates; I raised my rates. It didn’t make a difference. People were “thinking about it” but not buying. Or they’d buy much less than in the past – just a few sessions or a few months or a lower level program. I qualified harder. I started following up more. Still people hesitated. I listened to what people needed, and came up with new and different programs. To some extent people responded. But it was still too early to tell. Bottom line, I was working three times as hard to bring in half as much business.
I began to get frustrated, questioning myself, resenting the extra work that was taking me away from family, yet not bringing them any financial benefits to make up for it all. I began to feel drained, wanting to take time off, yet not being able to enjoy the breaks, from worry that I was wasting time. One minute I’d be excited about a new direction I was taking, the next minute I’d feel like a complete idiot for things not being easy anymore, but there were no answers. I couldn’t go back, and I couldn’t see the way forward.
One morning I woke up with a pit of anxiety in my stomach, and suddenly I had a flash of recognition. I’m in stage one of decisive change! I wrote about this – something like six years ago. What are the symptoms?
1. Every action takes more energy than you think it should
2. It feels like you are on an emotional roller coaster
3. The people who supported you as your old self don’t really believe in your “new self”
4. Your progress feels like it’s being sabotaged at every turn, both from without and from within.
As soon as I remembered the article, I felt relief, and also like maybe I was moving into “stage two”. When you understand how transition works, and know what to expect, it suddenly seems like you are going in a straight line instead of spinning in circles and you can begin to make sense of things. Here is a link to the article on the stages of change if you want to read the whole thing: Stages of Decisive Change
What does it mean, spinning in change, whether you’ve found yourself here, or been thrust here? The bottom line is that it’s not comfortable and it’s not going to get comfortable for awhile. The worst thing about change is the unknown. You can’t know how things will turn out. You can’t know if your “solution” to the problem will work. You can’t rely on things like focus, because it might blind you to the different opportunities that exist now that things have changed. You can’t rely on things like flexibility, because it might prevent you from working long enough on an idea to see it bear fruit. You simply can’t approach the unknown knowing what will work. And that makes it nearly impossible to plan and allocate resources.
So what can you rely on?
1. Action. Even if you take action towards a goal that ultimately changes, 80% of your work is transferrable, meaning if ultimately you decide to go in a completely different direction than you are moving now you only lose 20% of it.
2. Rest. Most people spin their wheels to the point of exhaustion when they are under the stress of transition, and it does nothing but make them less effective. Each day make sure to stop, and rest, run, veg out, hang out – whatever rejuvenates you. Getting your needs met gives you the energy you need to be confident next round.
3. Detach from the Results. I’m not sure why we fail so much more when we are in transition, but that seems to be the way things happen. This is a time to get used to failing and not take it personally. The sooner as you get used to it, the easier it will be to act, and the more quickly you’ll get to the succeeding part.
4. Get Support. Trying to handle transition alone is like going off to war without an army. The hard thing about getting support is that we are such a self-sufficient society and it feels weak to let others know we need help. There are many ways to get support from joining networking or church groups, to enrolling in transition programs. It doesn’t matter how you get support, but if you pretend you don’t need it – chances are you are slowing yourself way down. (I’m currently running several transition support programs and also have a “transition with me” blog series designed to walk you through the transition process – step by step)
5. Do Something that is Hard for you. The number one thing that will get you through a transition is confidence. A few weeks ago, my son’s martial arts teacher told the kids, “the way to get confidence is to do something that is hard for you”. If you do ONE thing that is hard for you every day, how much more confident would you be? And, as a result what would change about your transition?
So this is what I have been doing – something hard for me each day. I can’t tell you how my story will turn out, because I haven’t made it all the way through this transition tunnel. But today I committed to sharing my transition with clients and readers in a blog series called “transition with me”. I figure we can connect and work through this transition together in an e-community just as easily as any other support system. I hope you check it out and enjoy your process more for going through it with me.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Taking "Win-Win" to a Whole New Level
I don’t know about you, but even though I really want to be a good and giving person, sometimes I get tired of being asked to donate to so many different causes. High school students knock on my door wanting me to order newspapers so they can go on school trips. I get endless calls from alumni associations and cancer societies. And my children always have something they “should” be selling to raise additional funds for their schools.
It’s not that I don’t believe in these causes, but I don’t like to feel manipulated into buying things I don’t really want, and I don’t like to feel guilty when I say no. I know we all have a choice, and I’ve learned to maintain my boundaries.
This solution doesn't feel quite right though. It still involves inner conflict. In order for one party to get what they need, others must give up at least some of what they value. What if it were possible for everyone to easily get what they need?
Last night my daughter showed me one example of what I call a “self-serving winners circle”. It’s an innovative way to give that feels much more like receiving than giving.
It’s a website called www.freerice.com. The organization’s mission is to end world hunger, and the way they do it is brilliant. They’ve created a fun vocabulary game that is easy to play and automatically adjusts to your level as you go, whether you are a second grade student or an English scholar. The site also has a place for banner ads. The companies who advertise pay and get visibility just like they would on any other site. A self-serving winners circle has been created with three winners and NO losers:
1. Winner # 1 – Anyone who likes to play on the computer and learn something incredibly useful at the same time. Go play the vocabulary game, improve your mastery of the English language, and every time you get a word right, you earn 20 grains of rice for the hungry. That doesn’t sound like a lot, but my daughter and I played for about an hour and got up to 7,000 grains pretty quickly. We were trying to figure out how much that was, and we decided it probably fed at least one person one meal. So not only did we both learn a few new words, we got to feel GOOD about making a contribution to something in the world, and she gets to take a print out of our results back to her teacher and get bonus points in school. To me, this is the essence of the joy of receiving and giving at the same time – freely.
2. Winner # 2 – The advertisers. Last I checked, the google rating for this site was a 6/10 which is pretty high, and my guess is that it will be even higher as the word continues to spread. I’m not exactly sure what the payment arrangement is for the advertiser, but whether it is based on “grains of rice earned while your banner is up” or some other formula, it’s probably similar to what they would pay for putting up a banner on any site. But in this case, they get the added benefit of being well-regarded and actually looked at with curiosity instead of annoyance. Site users wonder.. “hmm.. who are the cool companies advertising on this site – maybe I’ll take a more serious look at what they have to offer”. Imagine using the same marketing dollars to get visibility, increase good will, AND do good in the world!
3. Winner # 3 – The starving people who get to eat the rice that the vocabulary game players earn and the advertisers pay for. The site explains how they work with the UN food bank to make this happen.
To me, this is the essence of “win-win”. It’s about creating a system where everyone who participates truly wins in a tangible way, and no one in the system is giving just for the sake of giving. This is not a new concept. I remember learning about it in economics. Yet, it interests me that people don’t use it more.
It’s like we have a social paradigm that says giving has to hurt a little to be real. So we keep appealing to people’s sense of duty and morality to get important things done. But if there’s a more practical way to get the same thing done with less effort and fewer resources, why not?
My question is, where else might self-serving winners circles be useful? In business, could a self-serving winners circle make it almost effortless to attract new customers? At home, could a self-serving winners circle make discipline effortless? In a school, could a self-serving winners circle make teaching effortless? Besides feeding the hungry, are there positive, synergistic ways to tackle some of the other big problems in the world, like healthcare, crime, or even terrorism?
I think www.freerice.com has created a self-serving winners circle to make feeding the world a good deal easier, if not completely effortless, and I think they give a good example of how to create a system where people will naturally and enthusiastically work together towards a purpose, not just because they believe in the purpose, but because doing so serves them as well.
Self-serving systems are self-feeding, so they are endless. Resources are not depleted, and in fact, every participant in the system is receiving something they need. Because participants are naturally winning, they stay engaged, and the system continues to grow, generating and receiving more positive energy along the way.
Think about the things you want to accomplish for yourself, at work, and in the world. What is getting in the way? Do you need more cooperation from other people to succeed? If so, is it possible to create a self-serving winners circle? I’d love to hear!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Energy and Success
There's a virus going around this season that produces mild cold symptoms along with severe energy drain and exhaustion. I just found this out from a client of mine who happens to be a nurse, and I can't tell you what a relief it is to have an explanation for how completely tired and unmotivated I've been this week. Sure, I have a cold, but it still feels a little wimpy to lay around in bed all day with minor systems. I decided since I haven't been sick in a long time, I must have lost the ability to "handle" even a minor cold.
Why am I sharing this story? Because it's a perfect example of how we discount the important role our energy level plays in our ability to be productive, motivated, and successful. Everything in and around you either gives you energy or drains your energy. If you have too many things draining your energy, you won't be anywhere near as motivated or productive as you can be, and you'll be more likely to procrastinate or otherwise "sabotage" your success.
The funny thing is, most action plans don't account for your energy level. When we write a plan of action, we assume we will be at a high level of energy during the entire execution cycle, and that's a set up for failure. A great example is an exercise plan. I might plan to walk on the treadmill 20 minutes a day and work may way up to running 45 minutes per day. After my first week I'm already up to 40 minutes per day and I'm feeling great! Somewhere mid-week two I don't feel like doing it and I figure a day off won't hurt. That runs into two days and when I get back on the treadmill on the third day it's REALLY hard to walk even 20 minutes. And so it goes. If I keep working at it, I might find that by week four I'm easily doing 40 minutes again. But even in later weeks what I'm capable of varies. It's not only affected by my mental motivation (my goal) and my physical capacity (how in shape I am). There's another factor that plays into what I achieve: my energy level.
Energy level isn't only affected by physical factors like colds, nutrition, or sleep. Your thoughts and environment also play a major role. Do you ever look at clutter in your office and notice a physical drain as a result? Do you avoid conversations with certain people because they take so much out of you? Has "just the thought" of a looming deadline ever made you feel like taking a nap? On the other side of the equation, do you ever notice how much more you can achieve when working with people who energize you?
If you pay close attention to where you get energy and what drains you, two important things happen. The first is that you can "stop the drain". Half the time we don't even recognize how many "holes" are in the dike. When you see them you find you can easily plug many of them up. The second thing that happens is that you can get better control of your motivation and productivity. If you realize you are low on energy, you can set lower expectations and take smaller steps towards your goals. When you are higher on energy, you can take advantage of that time and push forward.
We have an exercise in the coaching world we call "What are you tolerating?". The goal of the exercise is to come up with a very long list of everything you can think of that drains your energy. The things on the list can be anything, from a situation in your life, to extra weight, broken things in your house, a relationship, a pattern of thinking, anything that triggers a slight drain. Once you have everything on the list, you'll almost immediately see ways to lessen the drain. If you are up for the exercise, please do it, and feel free to share your "tolerations" list in the comments section, along with what you did after writing it, and how it impacted your energy. I'd love to hear!
Monday, February 11, 2008
Can you Love a Loser?
This may seem like a silly question, but in it lies one of the most critical secrets to success, both personally and professionally. So play with me for a minute.
Who jumps into your mind when you think of a loser?
If you feel a twinge of guilt and find yourself trying to shove those unkind thoughts from your mind, bring them back! Your thoughts wont hurt anyone, but not being aware of your own judgments will definitely hurt you! Plus, having some examples in your head as you read the rest of this article will help you apply it.
It’s important to be aware of what behaviors or characteristics point you to the label “loser”. Take out a piece of paper and jot down the top three to five characteristics your losers have in common – the ones that put them in that category for you.
Just for fun and personal insight, write the opposite of all of these traits and consider whether or not they are a reflection of your top values. For example, if you put “doesn’t take care of self”, does “caring for self” rank high on your list of desirable attributes?
Now, I want you to think about loving your losers. Not in a romantic sense, but actively seeking to understand how they see the world. What do they wake up hoping for and wondering? What do they think about and struggle with throughout the day? What causes them pain, and how do they try to get their needs met? What do they stand for?
When I ask you if you can love your losers, I don’t mean tolerate. And I don’t mean pity or have compassion for. What I’m asking is would you stand up for them, could you believe in them, could you accept the life they have created for themselves and actually see something intriguing, interesting, or enjoyable in it?
Be honest, and pay attention to your answer!
It provides the key to reaching YOUR highest potential. Why? Because what you are extending outwards is usually about as much as what you are extending inwards. Everyone you interact with is a mirror – what you see in them exists in you as well.
The losers of the world are your greatest gifts, because they show you the parts of yourself you haven’t yet accepted and embraced.
You have probably have heard that believing in yourself is one of the most important keys to success. You may have also heard that confidence and self-esteem come from unconditional self-acceptance. Most people agree with the concept in theory, but living it is another story.
I think the biggest fear people have is the idea that if they accept a negative characteristic inside themselves it means they are condoning it. I don’t think self-love is about that at all. I think it’s about seeing the value in the “negative” parts of yourself, and using ALL of yourself to create what you want instead of relying ONLY on the positive traits.
My husband is into golf, so I find myself watching Tiger Woods and Phil Michelson play a lot. They are the greatest players today, and you know what I notice? How many times they fail. I so admire that they can get up there and fail in front of the world over and over again, yet stay focused and keep going after wins. THAT’s what makes them the best. Look at any sport and you’ll see the same pattern.
In life, these patterns show up as well:
· Are the most responsible people really responsible all the time? Or are they the ones who don’t let their irresponsible moments get the better of them?
· Are the kindest people incapable of being hurtful? Or do they consistently work to be aware of how they impact others, and take responsibility for the times they are hurtful?
· Do the most successful business people always win, or are they the ones who have failed enough so they know how to turn things around?
· In sales, who has survived more rejection, the star sales people or the average ones?
· Are the smartest kids really smart all the time, or are they simply more intrigued and curious about the stuff they don’t yet understand?
Part of what holds us back from success is fear of failure, and even deeper than that, fear of BEING a loser.
If your fear of being a loser disappeared, what would be different for you? And how would that impact your life?
Think about it – can you love a loser?
Copyright ©2008, Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre
This may seem like a silly question, but in it lies one of the most critical secrets to success, both personally and professionally. So play with me for a minute.
Who jumps into your mind when you think of a loser?
If you feel a twinge of guilt and find yourself trying to shove those unkind thoughts from your mind, bring them back! Your thoughts wont hurt anyone, but not being aware of your own judgments will definitely hurt you! Plus, having some examples in your head as you read the rest of this article will help you apply it.
It’s important to be aware of what behaviors or characteristics point you to the label “loser”. Take out a piece of paper and jot down the top three to five characteristics your losers have in common – the ones that put them in that category for you.
Just for fun and personal insight, write the opposite of all of these traits and consider whether or not they are a reflection of your top values. For example, if you put “doesn’t take care of self”, does “caring for self” rank high on your list of desirable attributes?
Now, I want you to think about loving your losers. Not in a romantic sense, but actively seeking to understand how they see the world. What do they wake up hoping for and wondering? What do they think about and struggle with throughout the day? What causes them pain, and how do they try to get their needs met? What do they stand for?
When I ask you if you can love your losers, I don’t mean tolerate. And I don’t mean pity or have compassion for. What I’m asking is would you stand up for them, could you believe in them, could you accept the life they have created for themselves and actually see something intriguing, interesting, or enjoyable in it?
Be honest, and pay attention to your answer!
It provides the key to reaching YOUR highest potential. Why? Because what you are extending outwards is usually about as much as what you are extending inwards. Everyone you interact with is a mirror – what you see in them exists in you as well.
The losers of the world are your greatest gifts, because they show you the parts of yourself you haven’t yet accepted and embraced.
You have probably have heard that believing in yourself is one of the most important keys to success. You may have also heard that confidence and self-esteem come from unconditional self-acceptance. Most people agree with the concept in theory, but living it is another story.
I think the biggest fear people have is the idea that if they accept a negative characteristic inside themselves it means they are condoning it. I don’t think self-love is about that at all. I think it’s about seeing the value in the “negative” parts of yourself, and using ALL of yourself to create what you want instead of relying ONLY on the positive traits.
My husband is into golf, so I find myself watching Tiger Woods and Phil Michelson play a lot. They are the greatest players today, and you know what I notice? How many times they fail. I so admire that they can get up there and fail in front of the world over and over again, yet stay focused and keep going after wins. THAT’s what makes them the best. Look at any sport and you’ll see the same pattern.
In life, these patterns show up as well:
· Are the most responsible people really responsible all the time? Or are they the ones who don’t let their irresponsible moments get the better of them?
· Are the kindest people incapable of being hurtful? Or do they consistently work to be aware of how they impact others, and take responsibility for the times they are hurtful?
· Do the most successful business people always win, or are they the ones who have failed enough so they know how to turn things around?
· In sales, who has survived more rejection, the star sales people or the average ones?
· Are the smartest kids really smart all the time, or are they simply more intrigued and curious about the stuff they don’t yet understand?
Part of what holds us back from success is fear of failure, and even deeper than that, fear of BEING a loser.
If your fear of being a loser disappeared, what would be different for you? And how would that impact your life?
Think about it – can you love a loser?
Copyright ©2008, Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The Art of Inspiration
I love being inspired. It’s one of the greatest feelings I know – and it’s also a productive feeling, because it leads to positive action.
What I’ve noticed about inspiration is that it doesn’t happen often, and when it does, it’s usually triggered by those few charismatic speakers and phenomenal leaders who are able to infuse a profound message into a group of people, and they in turn absorb it into their culture.
At the international ICF conference this month, I closely watched the speakers who most inspired me, and it was something more than charisma that I connected to. It seemed that each of these people had the willingness to share their truth, even if it might be controversial. They had stepped forth to make a contribution based on their convictions, but they were also humble and human and honest, which allowed the audience to identify with them. And, they each offered a path to share in the contribution. They opened the door, so we could also feel the possibility of making a difference. I’m not sure if this describes the “equation” of inspiration or not – but it’s what I noticed, and I also notice these elements in coaching and in effective leadership.
As coaches, we relentlessly challenge our clients to face, share, and stand for their truth, even when it isn’t popular. We encourage our clients to live life according to their values, follow their dreams, and design lives of fulfillment and contribution. And, we open the door of possibility by witnessing and holding them accountable to their vision of success. The most powerful leaders mobilize groups around a common vision, and enable individuals in the group to connect their personal identities to making it happen. It enables individuals to become part of something bigger than themselves; it feels good and does good at the same time.
Have you ever wanted to be inspiring? If you are a leader, it can make all the difference in the world, and I don’t think it’s rocket science. I think it’s more about having the courage to be yourself and stand up for what you believe in. Cliché words – easy to say – way more difficult to do. Most of us can’t even see ourselves, and when we do look, we more often than not immediately react by wincing and changing the subject. Being yourself is NOT easy. But it IS powerful.
Think of all the people who have inspired you. I would love to hear your thoughts on inspiration and what is at the source of it. Share a lot on this one, it’s worth a discussion!
I love being inspired. It’s one of the greatest feelings I know – and it’s also a productive feeling, because it leads to positive action.
What I’ve noticed about inspiration is that it doesn’t happen often, and when it does, it’s usually triggered by those few charismatic speakers and phenomenal leaders who are able to infuse a profound message into a group of people, and they in turn absorb it into their culture.
At the international ICF conference this month, I closely watched the speakers who most inspired me, and it was something more than charisma that I connected to. It seemed that each of these people had the willingness to share their truth, even if it might be controversial. They had stepped forth to make a contribution based on their convictions, but they were also humble and human and honest, which allowed the audience to identify with them. And, they each offered a path to share in the contribution. They opened the door, so we could also feel the possibility of making a difference. I’m not sure if this describes the “equation” of inspiration or not – but it’s what I noticed, and I also notice these elements in coaching and in effective leadership.
As coaches, we relentlessly challenge our clients to face, share, and stand for their truth, even when it isn’t popular. We encourage our clients to live life according to their values, follow their dreams, and design lives of fulfillment and contribution. And, we open the door of possibility by witnessing and holding them accountable to their vision of success. The most powerful leaders mobilize groups around a common vision, and enable individuals in the group to connect their personal identities to making it happen. It enables individuals to become part of something bigger than themselves; it feels good and does good at the same time.
Have you ever wanted to be inspiring? If you are a leader, it can make all the difference in the world, and I don’t think it’s rocket science. I think it’s more about having the courage to be yourself and stand up for what you believe in. Cliché words – easy to say – way more difficult to do. Most of us can’t even see ourselves, and when we do look, we more often than not immediately react by wincing and changing the subject. Being yourself is NOT easy. But it IS powerful.
Think of all the people who have inspired you. I would love to hear your thoughts on inspiration and what is at the source of it. Share a lot on this one, it’s worth a discussion!
Friday, June 08, 2007
What gets in the way of successful coaching?
Recently, I particpated in a study that attempted to measure the key factors that determine success in an executive coaching engagement. When I compared what I consider to be my “successful” vs “unsuccessful” coaching engagements, I don’t believe the survey enabled me to get to the crux of what I believe made the real difference, but it certainly made me think seriously about the issue.
To me: “Successful” meant that they were able to make significant behavioral changes and become more effective within their organizations at achieving their goals. “Unsuccessful” meant that they were not able to change the behavior patterns that got in the way of their success.
What happened in the successful engagements is that they were emotionally open and ready to change a way of looking at the world that wasn’t serving them anymore, and as a result, they could change the way they interacted in the world. The reason they were able to do this may have had to do with my coaching skills, but there were two additional factors: (1) how “deep” the negative paradigm was ingrained, and (2) how personally threatening it was for them to let go of it.
In successful engagements, the shifts that were required were mostly non-threatening and not too deep, and when they were, the client had a lot of personal courage and trust in me, and they were ready to dig into some of their dirt. Some of this is related to how experienced I am as a coach, because I create the safe and trusting environment, but if they aren’t ready to see things differently, they wont be able to – no matter what I say or do.
In the unsuccessful engagements, most clients were trapped – stuck tight in negative belief patterns they couldn’t break out of. For example:
One client was very talented, but so locked in a power struggle with his boss that as soon as he started succeeding he had to sabotage himself. In this case he would have never succeeded with this boss, but if I’d had more time with him, we might have at least gotten him some clarity and tools to understand what drove the sabotage.
Another two clients were doing very well until they got to a point in their coaching where it got too scary for them and they weren’t ready to go any further. With one, I suggested a 360 and it scared him, because he didn’t want to see the feedback from his team. So he started slowing down and avoiding the sessions. With another, she had a conflict with someone and created a villain story she did not want to let go of. Since conversations with me forced her to take responsibility for her role in this conflict, she went into avoidance mode and ended the sessions.
In the most successful engagements, we either did not run into these brick walls or the client had the courage to face them. So in these cases, success often has more to do with the client’s courage and commitment to going below the surface issue and addressing the real issue than whether or not they show up to sessions. While two of my clients handled their fear by pre-maturely ending the sessions, the others were very committed on the surface but kept dancing around the real issues until they couldn’t anymore.
Where the coach’s experience comes in is here: When I was less experienced, I allowed my clients to lead me around and around in circles above the real issue. Now that I’m more experienced I am able to cut through to what’s more important earlier.
I think what's important about that is that for clients who really aren't ready to make a significant change, they either wont engage at all or we'll hit the brick wall within the first few sessions, and we wont waste time and money dancing around the issue. With clients who are ready, we'll get there faster and we'll struggle earlier, but results will happen faster.
What does this mean if you are considering hiring a coach? Know what you want to change, and be willing to consider different perspectives and new ways of looking at your situations. It may feel uncomfortable up front, but usually every time you make a shift, you feel relief and you realize that what you were clinging to was just causing you pain.
Recently, I particpated in a study that attempted to measure the key factors that determine success in an executive coaching engagement. When I compared what I consider to be my “successful” vs “unsuccessful” coaching engagements, I don’t believe the survey enabled me to get to the crux of what I believe made the real difference, but it certainly made me think seriously about the issue.
To me: “Successful” meant that they were able to make significant behavioral changes and become more effective within their organizations at achieving their goals. “Unsuccessful” meant that they were not able to change the behavior patterns that got in the way of their success.
What happened in the successful engagements is that they were emotionally open and ready to change a way of looking at the world that wasn’t serving them anymore, and as a result, they could change the way they interacted in the world. The reason they were able to do this may have had to do with my coaching skills, but there were two additional factors: (1) how “deep” the negative paradigm was ingrained, and (2) how personally threatening it was for them to let go of it.
In successful engagements, the shifts that were required were mostly non-threatening and not too deep, and when they were, the client had a lot of personal courage and trust in me, and they were ready to dig into some of their dirt. Some of this is related to how experienced I am as a coach, because I create the safe and trusting environment, but if they aren’t ready to see things differently, they wont be able to – no matter what I say or do.
In the unsuccessful engagements, most clients were trapped – stuck tight in negative belief patterns they couldn’t break out of. For example:
One client was very talented, but so locked in a power struggle with his boss that as soon as he started succeeding he had to sabotage himself. In this case he would have never succeeded with this boss, but if I’d had more time with him, we might have at least gotten him some clarity and tools to understand what drove the sabotage.
Another two clients were doing very well until they got to a point in their coaching where it got too scary for them and they weren’t ready to go any further. With one, I suggested a 360 and it scared him, because he didn’t want to see the feedback from his team. So he started slowing down and avoiding the sessions. With another, she had a conflict with someone and created a villain story she did not want to let go of. Since conversations with me forced her to take responsibility for her role in this conflict, she went into avoidance mode and ended the sessions.
In the most successful engagements, we either did not run into these brick walls or the client had the courage to face them. So in these cases, success often has more to do with the client’s courage and commitment to going below the surface issue and addressing the real issue than whether or not they show up to sessions. While two of my clients handled their fear by pre-maturely ending the sessions, the others were very committed on the surface but kept dancing around the real issues until they couldn’t anymore.
Where the coach’s experience comes in is here: When I was less experienced, I allowed my clients to lead me around and around in circles above the real issue. Now that I’m more experienced I am able to cut through to what’s more important earlier.
I think what's important about that is that for clients who really aren't ready to make a significant change, they either wont engage at all or we'll hit the brick wall within the first few sessions, and we wont waste time and money dancing around the issue. With clients who are ready, we'll get there faster and we'll struggle earlier, but results will happen faster.
What does this mean if you are considering hiring a coach? Know what you want to change, and be willing to consider different perspectives and new ways of looking at your situations. It may feel uncomfortable up front, but usually every time you make a shift, you feel relief and you realize that what you were clinging to was just causing you pain.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
What’s Behind Fear of Success?
Sometimes success is maddeningly elusive. You have the desire and the capability of achieving something, but every time you get close, something gets in the way. At some point you may conclude that there’s something deeper going on. Perhaps you have “Fear of Success”?
Whether we name it “Fear of Success”, “Fear of Failure”, or “Self-Sabotage”, it is fairly common to find yourself is a situation where you are blocking your own progress towards your goals. That’s why setting goals and committing to an action plan is not enough when it comes to building the life you really want.
If you notice yourself avoiding, procrastinating, or having to use a lot of willpower to take the steps required to achieve your goals, you probably have an internal conflict holding you back. If you can get some insight into the internal conflict and resolve it, you will find that it takes a lot less effort to be successful.
I’ve observed two key patterns that produce internal conflict, blocking progress towards important goals:
1. You’ve decided that you want to achieve something, but you haven’t consciously considered all the implications of succeeding, and some of those implications aren’t worth the risk. These implications may be real or imaginary, but the confusing part is that they are not always obvious on the surface. A good example is that you really want a promotion, but this will change many valued relationships with your peers, and also may take you away from your family. You may not have thought through these implications, but at some level you are stalling to protect yourself.
2. You have an unrealistic idea of what success will mean, along with what I call an “emotional hook” to that meaning. It could be that your sense of self-worth is tied to whether you succeed or fail, or that succeeding will finally prove something to somebody. Often graduates feel this emotional pull when hunting for a job after investing a large sum of money into a higher degree. There is pressure to get a job that somehow justifies the expense of the degree, so the job search turns into a search for validation, and the resulting emotions exploit their ability to be effective.
Here’s the good news: fear of success is based on a paradigm, and you can shift your thinking and “unhook” from the emotions that hold you back. If you have something that you have wanted to achieve for a long time, and you wonder if you are sabotaging yourself, here are two key questions to ask yourself, along with a guide on how your thinking would have to shift to move you out of conflict:
1. Is there something about the process of achieving this goal that threatens something you need, such as time, peace, or a certain relationship? If so, you have to figure out a way to insure that you will get your needs met, or you will not move forward. This is easier said than done, but there are tools available to help you with the process.
2. Have you got your ego / sense of self worth tied up in this particular success? If so, you have to get yourself to a place mentally and emotionally where you can be ok with yourself whether or not you succeed. This is also easier said than done, but again, there are several coaching tools available to help you with this process.
What you’ll notice after asking yourself these kinds of questions is that one of two things will happen:
1. Everything will clear up for you, and you’ll be able to move forward easily.
2. You’ll notice yourself getting defensive, angry, frustrated, or confused
If it’s the latter, at least you know that you have some kind of inner conflict or resistance sabotaging your progress. To move forward, you have two choices:
1. You can muster up all the willpower you’ve got and force yourself past all your internal resistance to a successful result, or
2. You can acknowledge the conflict and choose the alternate path of putting your goal on hold, and committing to resolving your inner conflict.
In most cases, ten focused coaching sessions can get you clear on what’s blocking you, what it will take to move past it, and provide you with enough practice to significantly reduce your internal resistance and get you moving forward again.
If you’d like to talk about a goal you are struggling with, and how coaching might help you get past the obsbalces, feel free to call me at (949) 495-1021, or send an e-mail to nahid@aspyrre.com.
Copyright 2007 Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre
Sometimes success is maddeningly elusive. You have the desire and the capability of achieving something, but every time you get close, something gets in the way. At some point you may conclude that there’s something deeper going on. Perhaps you have “Fear of Success”?
Whether we name it “Fear of Success”, “Fear of Failure”, or “Self-Sabotage”, it is fairly common to find yourself is a situation where you are blocking your own progress towards your goals. That’s why setting goals and committing to an action plan is not enough when it comes to building the life you really want.
If you notice yourself avoiding, procrastinating, or having to use a lot of willpower to take the steps required to achieve your goals, you probably have an internal conflict holding you back. If you can get some insight into the internal conflict and resolve it, you will find that it takes a lot less effort to be successful.
I’ve observed two key patterns that produce internal conflict, blocking progress towards important goals:
1. You’ve decided that you want to achieve something, but you haven’t consciously considered all the implications of succeeding, and some of those implications aren’t worth the risk. These implications may be real or imaginary, but the confusing part is that they are not always obvious on the surface. A good example is that you really want a promotion, but this will change many valued relationships with your peers, and also may take you away from your family. You may not have thought through these implications, but at some level you are stalling to protect yourself.
2. You have an unrealistic idea of what success will mean, along with what I call an “emotional hook” to that meaning. It could be that your sense of self-worth is tied to whether you succeed or fail, or that succeeding will finally prove something to somebody. Often graduates feel this emotional pull when hunting for a job after investing a large sum of money into a higher degree. There is pressure to get a job that somehow justifies the expense of the degree, so the job search turns into a search for validation, and the resulting emotions exploit their ability to be effective.
Here’s the good news: fear of success is based on a paradigm, and you can shift your thinking and “unhook” from the emotions that hold you back. If you have something that you have wanted to achieve for a long time, and you wonder if you are sabotaging yourself, here are two key questions to ask yourself, along with a guide on how your thinking would have to shift to move you out of conflict:
1. Is there something about the process of achieving this goal that threatens something you need, such as time, peace, or a certain relationship? If so, you have to figure out a way to insure that you will get your needs met, or you will not move forward. This is easier said than done, but there are tools available to help you with the process.
2. Have you got your ego / sense of self worth tied up in this particular success? If so, you have to get yourself to a place mentally and emotionally where you can be ok with yourself whether or not you succeed. This is also easier said than done, but again, there are several coaching tools available to help you with this process.
What you’ll notice after asking yourself these kinds of questions is that one of two things will happen:
1. Everything will clear up for you, and you’ll be able to move forward easily.
2. You’ll notice yourself getting defensive, angry, frustrated, or confused
If it’s the latter, at least you know that you have some kind of inner conflict or resistance sabotaging your progress. To move forward, you have two choices:
1. You can muster up all the willpower you’ve got and force yourself past all your internal resistance to a successful result, or
2. You can acknowledge the conflict and choose the alternate path of putting your goal on hold, and committing to resolving your inner conflict.
In most cases, ten focused coaching sessions can get you clear on what’s blocking you, what it will take to move past it, and provide you with enough practice to significantly reduce your internal resistance and get you moving forward again.
If you’d like to talk about a goal you are struggling with, and how coaching might help you get past the obsbalces, feel free to call me at (949) 495-1021, or send an e-mail to nahid@aspyrre.com.
Copyright 2007 Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Everything you need exists in the world – the problem is finding it
Why do more than half of all employees stay in jobs that make them miserable? Do jobs exist that would make them feel happier, more fulfilled, more productive, and more valued? Probably. But job-hunting is such an emotionally painful experience, and even when you work hard at it, you may not get the results you are hoping for.
Why do so many business owners refrain from hiring, even when they desperately need help? Do people exist out there who want a job, have the skills, and would truly enjoy working for them? Absolutely. But the process of advertising, screening resumes, interviewing, and training, only to be frustrated with someone who isn’t working out, is often too time-consuming to be worth the effort.
Something like 90% of new businesses fail because they can’t find enough customers before they run out of cash. Usually many people exist who desperately want the product or service they offer, and would be willing to pay for it. But the time and energy it takes to find them is often way more than the new business owner has to give.
Why are there so many people in the world who feel lonely, isolated, and unloved? It’s certainly not due to a lack of people wanting more and better relationships...
And, at the risk of being extreme, the problem of starvation in this world right now has nothing to do with lack of food, and everything to do with connecting the overabundance of food to the people who really need it.
How do you find what you need?
As it turns out – that’s not even the big question. The BIG question is: what does it take to decide it’s worth trying to find what you need?
What is most scary to me about the “finding what you need” problem, is not the strategic problem of how to find; it’s the mental / emotional problem of believing that if you haven’t found it – it must not exist.
Even scarier – most people move into “it doesn’t exist” assumptions before even attempting a search. I think the logic and emotional progression goes something like this:
1. I need X, and not having it right now is painful
2. The idea of searching for X is overwhelming, and I couldn’t bear the thought of expending the energy and then not getting the results I want
3. So, X must not exist.
I’m not exactly sure how or why people make the leap from # 2 to # 3 – but they do, and I see it all the time. I think maybe we trick ourselves into believing something doesn’t exist simply because if we acknowledged that it did, then we feel obligated to do something about it.
So maybe, the first mental leap is this. Everything I need DOES exist, but sometimes I choose not to go after it. Sometimes it’s easier for me to stay where I am than to put forth the effort to change.
Being honest with yourself is amazingly powerful. Because then you can ask yourself, what makes it so hard for me to change things? And that’s where coaching comes in.
I’m launching a new program called Foundations for Change. This program is about providing you with the strategic and emotional support system you need to change. We resist change – even good changes. And we start and stop so many times it often doesn’t seem worth it to try again. But with the right foundations in place, and a support system to lean on when you get tired, frustrated, or off track, you can gather and maintain the momentum you need to get to the next level and stay there.
What are you assuming doesn’t exist for you in this world?
If you knew for sure that it exists, and that you have the ability to find it, what would that mean for you?
If you had a support system that provided you the knowledge, guidance, insight, encouragement, and accountability to go after what you want and stay on track until you get it, what difference would that make in your life right now?
Ask me about Foundations for Change – it DOES exist, and you can use it to change your life.
Copyright 2007 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre
Why do more than half of all employees stay in jobs that make them miserable? Do jobs exist that would make them feel happier, more fulfilled, more productive, and more valued? Probably. But job-hunting is such an emotionally painful experience, and even when you work hard at it, you may not get the results you are hoping for.
Why do so many business owners refrain from hiring, even when they desperately need help? Do people exist out there who want a job, have the skills, and would truly enjoy working for them? Absolutely. But the process of advertising, screening resumes, interviewing, and training, only to be frustrated with someone who isn’t working out, is often too time-consuming to be worth the effort.
Something like 90% of new businesses fail because they can’t find enough customers before they run out of cash. Usually many people exist who desperately want the product or service they offer, and would be willing to pay for it. But the time and energy it takes to find them is often way more than the new business owner has to give.
Why are there so many people in the world who feel lonely, isolated, and unloved? It’s certainly not due to a lack of people wanting more and better relationships...
And, at the risk of being extreme, the problem of starvation in this world right now has nothing to do with lack of food, and everything to do with connecting the overabundance of food to the people who really need it.
How do you find what you need?
As it turns out – that’s not even the big question. The BIG question is: what does it take to decide it’s worth trying to find what you need?
What is most scary to me about the “finding what you need” problem, is not the strategic problem of how to find; it’s the mental / emotional problem of believing that if you haven’t found it – it must not exist.
Even scarier – most people move into “it doesn’t exist” assumptions before even attempting a search. I think the logic and emotional progression goes something like this:
1. I need X, and not having it right now is painful
2. The idea of searching for X is overwhelming, and I couldn’t bear the thought of expending the energy and then not getting the results I want
3. So, X must not exist.
I’m not exactly sure how or why people make the leap from # 2 to # 3 – but they do, and I see it all the time. I think maybe we trick ourselves into believing something doesn’t exist simply because if we acknowledged that it did, then we feel obligated to do something about it.
So maybe, the first mental leap is this. Everything I need DOES exist, but sometimes I choose not to go after it. Sometimes it’s easier for me to stay where I am than to put forth the effort to change.
Being honest with yourself is amazingly powerful. Because then you can ask yourself, what makes it so hard for me to change things? And that’s where coaching comes in.
I’m launching a new program called Foundations for Change. This program is about providing you with the strategic and emotional support system you need to change. We resist change – even good changes. And we start and stop so many times it often doesn’t seem worth it to try again. But with the right foundations in place, and a support system to lean on when you get tired, frustrated, or off track, you can gather and maintain the momentum you need to get to the next level and stay there.
What are you assuming doesn’t exist for you in this world?
If you knew for sure that it exists, and that you have the ability to find it, what would that mean for you?
If you had a support system that provided you the knowledge, guidance, insight, encouragement, and accountability to go after what you want and stay on track until you get it, what difference would that make in your life right now?
Ask me about Foundations for Change – it DOES exist, and you can use it to change your life.
Copyright 2007 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre
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