Everything you need exists in the world – the problem is finding it

Why do more than half of all employees stay in jobs that make them miserable? Do jobs exist that would make them feel happier, more fulfilled, more productive, and more valued? Probably. But job-hunting is such an emotionally painful experience, and even when you work hard at it, you may not get the results you are hoping for.

Why do so many business owners refrain from hiring, even when they desperately need help? Do people exist out there who want a job, have the skills, and would truly enjoy working for them? Absolutely. But the process of advertising, screening resumes, interviewing, and training, only to be frustrated with someone who isn’t working out, is often too time-consuming to be worth the effort.

Something like 90% of new businesses fail because they can’t find enough customers before they run out of cash. Usually many people exist who desperately want the product or service they offer, and would be willing to pay for it. But the time and energy it takes to find them is often way more than the new business owner has to give.

Why are there so many people in the world who feel lonely, isolated, and unloved? It’s certainly not due to a lack of people wanting more and better relationships...

And, at the risk of being extreme, the problem of starvation in this world right now has nothing to do with lack of food, and everything to do with connecting the overabundance of food to the people who really need it.

How do you find what you need?

As it turns out – that’s not even the big question. The BIG question is: what does it take to decide it’s worth trying to find what you need?

What is most scary to me about the “finding what you need” problem, is not the strategic problem of how to find; it’s the mental / emotional problem of believing that if you haven’t found it – it must not exist.

Even scarier – most people move into “it doesn’t exist” assumptions before even attempting a search. I think the logic and emotional progression goes something like this:

1. I need X, and not having it right now is painful
2. The idea of searching for X is overwhelming, and I couldn’t bear the thought of expending the energy and then not getting the results I want
3. So, X must not exist.

I’m not exactly sure how or why people make the leap from # 2 to # 3 – but they do, and I see it all the time. I think maybe we trick ourselves into believing something doesn’t exist simply because if we acknowledged that it did, then we feel obligated to do something about it.

So maybe, the first mental leap is this. Everything I need DOES exist, but sometimes I choose not to go after it. Sometimes it’s easier for me to stay where I am than to put forth the effort to change.

Being honest with yourself is amazingly powerful. Because then you can ask yourself, what makes it so hard for me to change things? And that’s where coaching comes in.

I’m launching a new program called Foundations for Change. This program is about providing you with the strategic and emotional support system you need to change. We resist change – even good changes. And we start and stop so many times it often doesn’t seem worth it to try again. But with the right foundations in place, and a support system to lean on when you get tired, frustrated, or off track, you can gather and maintain the momentum you need to get to the next level and stay there.

What are you assuming doesn’t exist for you in this world?

If you knew for sure that it exists, and that you have the ability to find it, what would that mean for you?

If you had a support system that provided you the knowledge, guidance, insight, encouragement, and accountability to go after what you want and stay on track until you get it, what difference would that make in your life right now?

Ask me about Foundations for Change – it DOES exist, and you can use it to change your life.

Copyright 2007 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre

The Step by Step Accomplishment System – Easing into the New Year

If you have a big resolution for the New Year, you may be starting off with a blast of energy, will-power, and commitment. Or, you may find that coming back from the holidays is leaving you a little tired and disoriented. I’ve had the same conversation with many people this week – it goes something like this: “Wow – I’m much more tired, disoriented, and confused than I expected – it’s taking some time to ease into things” What a relief to know that so many people were experiencing the same thing! This reminded me of a philosophy on goal achievement that not only enables you to ease into things, but also gives you a better chance of long term success. It’s a “one step at a time” process where each step builds on each other. The best way to explain it is with an example.

Let’s say your goal is to get organized. One way to approach it would be to put out an inordinate amount of energy in getting your entire place fixed up, and then expecting yourself to keep it that way. Typically, you’ll stay organized for awhile, and then slip back into your old habits. This pattern also happens a lot with dieting. People start with an amazing amount of willpower, and once they have lost the desired amount of weight begin to slowly slip back into old eating habits, gaining it back again.

The “ease into it” process is a method that is especially effective when you are working on changing something in your life that is rooted in a multitude of small habits. What you do is focus on one habit at a time – one that doesn’t require as much energy as changing everything, but will still have a significant impact. For example, you may choose to get into a solid exercise routine before eliminating your favorite foods from your diet. Or, you may organize one room, or one part of a room at a time.

Here’s a quick exercise you can use to help you decide WHICH step to start with:

1. Write a list of all the habits or behaviors you can think of that you will need to change to reach your goal

2. Rate each habit or behavior on a scale of 1 to 10 in terms of (1) "impact" - how strongly changing this particular habit will impact your ability to achieve your goal, and (2) "difficulty" - how much effort it will take you to change the habit.

3. Subtract the “difficulty” score from the “impact” score and use the results to rank the habits in the order that will give you the best chance of success.

Here’s an example for weight loss:

All the habits I would need to change to reach my desired weight:


Based on this table, my highest “ranking” is a 3. That means the habits scored as a 3 would be the first habits I would focus on. Then we have a two, three zeros, and a negative three. So this is the order I would focus on for my habits:

1. Exercise Daily
2. Plan meals in advance
3. Drink lots of water
4. Document and track progress
5. Eat fewer calories
6. Eat slowly
7. Eat smaller portions
8. Don’t eat past 8pm at night
9. Eliminate chocolate and other junk food from my diet

As I master each habit, I can move on to the next habit, and when I begin to falter I back track and re-establish the earlier habits. This builds a foundation for success and ingrains habits for the long term.

It doesn’t work for all goals, but it’s a great process for creating a long term behavior change program with a high chance of success. Try it out and tell me what you think!

Copyright © 2007 Aspyrre Nahid Casazza

The Power of Gratitude

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. As a busy adult, I have a stress to joy quotient related to every holiday. For Thanksgiving, my stress investment is an extra trip to the grocery store, and a tad more cooking and cleaning than usual on Thursday morning. The payback in joy is a nice relaxing meal with conversation, wine or beer, football, pie, perhaps a few games, maybe a movie, and lots of lounging on big cushy furniture around a fireplace, because the HUGE four-day weekend has only just begun. I don’t have to do laundry, homework, or bathe the children. No other holiday gives me as much joy in exchange for my efforts.

Of course, since Thanksgiving is dedicated to gratitude, I always spend a few minutes thinking about “what I’m grateful for”. But this year, for the first time, it struck me how powerful the feeling of gratitude really is. And, how useful it can be when it comes to success – both personally and professionally!

In our family, we go around the table and each person says something that he or she is grateful for before we start our meal. Some talk about love, health and family, others joke about beer and football, and some share a positive event from that year. More often than not, people are preoccupied with dinner prep, or uncomfortable speaking in front of the group, so although they do their best to say something appropriate, I wonder if the actual feeling of gratitude has a chance to emerge.

I know for me, more often than not, it doesn’t. I do my best to say something honest – whatever comes to mind at the time. And meanwhile, I’m watching to make sure one child has his drink in a safe place, the other is actually eating turkey before pie, and the guests all have drinks, silverware, and napkins.

But later, when I’m relaxing by the fire, I do have a chance to experience real gratitude. I watch the children play a game with their uncle. I’m grateful for the opportunity to sit back and enjoy their faces, pay attention to how small their hands and feet are, and listen to their voices and expressions, realizing how quickly they grow up. On the surface, this may seem like just a moment for me to notice and appreciate and smile.

But here’s the power: That moment of gratitude relaxes my muscles, changes my mood slightly, and when the kids come over to be close they get more hugs, cuddling, affection, and attention. How does that impact them?

My gratitude towards my brother (the uncle) for engaging with the children replaces my usual relatively impatient and critical “big sister” attitude with more appreciation, respect, and kindness. How does that impact him?

I notice that my husband does more than half of the food preparation and clean up, which gave me the opportunity to sit back and relax in the first place. I feel lucky that we work so well together on a meal. How does that impact our relationship?

Take this one step further. More appreciation in the house relaxes the moods of all the adults. They feel more at peace and have more patience with the children. The children feel safe in an environment where the adults are happy. Work gets done easier. Stress levels stay down. People are ok just being themselves. What are the physiological affects? The impact on everyone’s health? I could go on and on.

Maybe one moment of gratitude in one person doesn’t make a huge difference in the dynamics of a family, but it does generate a significant shift. It produces a slight change in energy level, and several subtle shifts in behavior, each impacting other people, and building stronger, safer relationships.

What if just one person experienced a genuine moment of gratitude just one or two times each day? Would that impact the family dynamics? You bet. And if family relationships are impacted positively, how does that, in turn, impact each person’s individual sense of well-being? And, how does each person’s individual sense of well-being impact their personal level of success in the world, or their ability to impact others in a positive way?

Your own gratitude can have a positive impact even if the others in your family don’t cooperate. Most people don’t pay attention to their emotions, so they react. They react first to their own thoughts, but if their own thoughts don’t produce any strong emotions, they react to the emotions of others. They enjoy themselves around the life of the party, they feel drained when loved ones argue, they respond positively to attention and appreciation from others, and they feel insecure when others overlook or ignore them. When you are deliberate with your emotions, you have the power to affect everyone. This doesn’t mean “faking” the emotion you want to create. But it does mean thinking the kinds of thoughts that allow positive emotions, like gratitude, to authentically emerge. And once they have emerged, allowing them to flow through you in your interactions with others, who will almost always respond positively, whether they realize it or not. If you feel genuine gratitude in a group of people, and interact with enough other members of the group while you are feeling it, you have the power to change the entire emotional state of the group.

This works in a family, in a classroom, in a group of friends, and in a group of people at work.

Why at work?

You may have noticed yourself treating your boss like a parent, noticing your employees acting like children, and dealing with peers that remind you of your siblings. In our teams at work, for better or worse, we replicate what we learned in our families. And even if we act “professional” on the outside, the underlying emotions feel very personal and all too familiar at times.

Gratitude is an essential part of any professional success formula. The formula works just as powerfully in any group. It goes like this:

1. Take the time to notice what you are genuinely grateful for
2. Make sure to really experience the gratitude at a physiological level. Notice your muscles relax, and your emotions change to compassion and appreciation.
3. Allow your compassion and appreciation to come out, both directly and indirectly, in your interactions at work.
4. Notice, over time, that people feel safer around you and that you build stronger, more trusting work relationships.
5. As a result of stronger, more trusting work relationships, notice your team extend themselves beyond the call of duty.
6. As a result of stronger, more trusting work relationships, notice your peers talking more honestly and directly with you.
7. As a result of stronger, more trusting work relationships, notice your boss relying on you more heavily for mission critical work, and providing you with more support.

Add that to the simple truth that gratitude lowers your stress and feels pretty darn good too; where do you get a more powerful business tool?

Why is Thanksgiving my favorite holiday? High joy, low stress, and practice with important business success skills, all while enjoying a game of Candyland and a slice of pumpkin pie by the fire. Who could ask for more?

Copyright ©2006, Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre, www.aspyrre.com

Instincts or Impulse?

You walk into the office one day feeling positive and exhilarated from a brisk walk in the fresh air, and as you pass the coffee machine you notice two co-workers speaking intently to each other in hushed tones. They notice you looking at them and stop talking, looking somewhat uncomfortable. The exhilaration you felt a moment ago dissolves, and a surge of adrenaline charges through your body. You have a strong instinct that you know who, if not what, they were talking about.

About an hour later, one of the co-workers comes to ask if you have a few minutes, and the adrenaline comes back. You do your best to maintain your composure, and the two of you go to a private place to talk. She begins, “We just realized that we completely forgot about Callie’s birthday last week, and we aren’t sure if she hid it from us purposely because she didn’t want us to make a big deal out of it, or if we should do something this week to make it up to her. What do you think?”

Hmmm…. could this have explained the coffee machine conversation? Relief sets in, and you continue on with the conversation at hand.

But what if you hadn’t had this conversation? What if you kept whatever story you originally created about the “coffee machine conversation” as your truth? How would you respond if that same co-worker sent you an e-mail requesting some information? Could this set off a chain of events, with your e-mail response coming across as a tad more abrupt than usual, eliciting some new adrenaline in your co-worker related to you? And could that lead to less-than-friendly behavior on her part, which confirms your truth for you, and so on, and so on, and so on?

This kind of emotional misfiring happens a lot in organizations, and even more so when we have so much work to do that taking the time to address what seems like a minor issue gets relegated to the bottom of the “to do” list.

As time goes by we begin to characterize and stereotype each other, and it’s hard to tell when someone is behaving “in reaction” to something they’ve created in their head, or “on purpose” based on clear and positive intentions.

If you observe emotional misfiring reeking havoc in your organization, what can you do about it?

1. Watch your assumptions, especially those you make about the character of another person.

2. When someone complains to you about a co-worker, help distinguish between actual behavior and assumptions made about the behavior.

3. Ask yourself, “If I knew this person was a decent person and only had the best of intentions” what are some possible explanations for the behavior?

4. Talk. All the time. Maintain ongoing dialogue with everyone who is important to you at work, so when something does come up, it can be dealt with naturally, and without an excessive amount of time or emotional investment.

In our coffee machine conversation example, a great way to casually check facts is to say something like “You scared me this morning when I walked in and you stopped talking – were you planning my execution?” Generally, humorous comments can give you an easy reality check. The person has an opportunity to respond in kind, without either of you feeling the weight of an “issue”. They might say, “well we were sort of planning someone’s birthday party – which can sometimes feel like an execution – but it’s a secret – so if you want in on it….” and your fears are quelled in a minute or two of light banter. On the other hand, if you try to “reality check” a few times and feel like you are getting consistently evasive responses, it might indicate that there’s something that needs to be discussed more seriously, and you can take it to the next level.

The most important thing to remember is that your truth may “feel” real – but feelings are created by thoughts, which are based on about 20% fact and 80% interpretation. Taking the time to question and reality check before jumping to conclusions can save you a lot of stress and friction, and pave the way to positive and powerful relationships with your co-workers.

Copyright @ 2006 Nahid Casazza Aspyrre

The Power of Questions

As a boss, manager, parent, teacher, or even as a coach, it's so easy and efficient to just tell people what to do. To give advice, suggestions, or the answers. Time is a luxury, so encouraging an employee to figure out a solution for himself, or helping a student learn through prompts instead of a lesson, can feel unproductive.

I attended the international coach federation conference last week, and one of my favorite events involved watching and critiquing master coaches in action. Master coaches are generally able to move a client from point A to point B in a conversation mostly through questions. The questionning process requires that they resist the temptation to tell the client the answer, and instead, use questions to facilitate the client to a solution that is co-created in the space between coach and client.

The skill of moving people forward through asking, not telling, allows the growing experience in the conversation to belong completely to the client. It's not an easy thing to do, but it's powerful, because any change that the client completly owns, sticks. And this skill is powerful for anyone in a "guiding relationship" with others. Here are some examples to think about:

1. Who is generally more accurate, the employee who is given work instructions and told to follow them, or the employee who creates the work instructions for himself?

2. When does a disagreement build a stronger relationship, when people agree to disagree and negotiate a compromise, or when they take the time to truly understand each other's perspective before deciding how to proceed?

3. How many times have people told you things that made brilliant sense, yet you didn't act on them?

4. How many times have you given great advice and watched people not follow it?

Good questions produce clarity, buy-in, commitment, and learning that sticks. But it takes time to learn how to ask the kind of questions that move people forward. You can usually tell the difference between a novice and a master coach because when the novice asks questions, the conversation often runs in circles and doesn't seem productive. A master coach, however, is able to move the coaching conversation through to a productive action commitment in 20 minutes or less.

Questionning well and efficiently takes practice - years of it. But there's no time like the present to start - and even a few well-placed questions in your dialogue with those in your charge, can make a world of difference.

If you'd like to practice using questions more in one of your "guiding" roles, here are a few to try on:

1. What would the ideal outcome be for you?

2. How much control do you have in this situation?

3. If you had more money, courage, status, time, what would you do?

4. What are some of the possible steps you can take?

5. How does it benefit you to not act?

Feel free to add to the list!

Copyright 2006 - Nahid Casazza - Aspyrre

When is a solution not a solution?

A friend once told me that we all have a theme – something we keep coming back to with each level of personal growth. And it usually shows up everywhere: in your clients, in your writing, in your relationships, and most of all, in the things you are most passionate about changing in the world.

One of my themes, which probably comes through in my writing more often than I’d like to admit, is this extreme frustration I have with solutions that aren’t real solutions. A good example is our nation’s obsession with diets. The problem is that people are overweight. The solutions that people come up with are diets. Most of these diets work fairly well too. As long as they are followed. People will follow a diet for a period of time and lose some weight. And then they’ll stop following it. And they’ll gain weight back. And then maybe they’ll look for another diet next time they are frustrated enough to drum up the willpower.

I don’t think diets by themselves are the solution to the problem of people being overweight. I think the real problem lies in the fact that people eat for many reasons, and not all of them have to do with hunger. So as long as those underlying reasons to eat exist, people will continue to eat unless they are focused on forcing themselves not to. And you only have a limited amount of energy to force yourself not to do something you really want to do.

As long as we think the solution to being overweight is to go on a diet, people will continue to be overweight. The real solution lies in working with whatever drives an overweight person to eat when she or he isn't hungry. Which I expect is somewhat different for everyone, although I bet we have many reasons in common.

The weight example works well for me, because I happen to be overweight, and when I’ve decided that I “need” chocolate, chips, or one of my other “crutch” foods to make it through the afternoon, no amount of logic about caloric intake can stand up to that drive. But I am beginning to understand where the drive comes from (in my case it often starts with shame about being overweight – which traps me in a vicious circle). I’ve written many diet plans, but I don’t think I’ve stuck with any of them for more than two weeks. If some well-intentioned person comes to me with a new diet or technique for losing weight – they’d better start running the other way – fast. On the other hand, if someone came to me today and showed me how to make the shame for being overweight in the first place disappear… now I’m listening because we’re closer to a real solution.

This weight struggle has given me a great gift of compassion.

I understand why my clients say they are going to make 50 sales calls each week… and then don’t. I understand why my clients say they are going to leave the dead-end relationship, but then get back together within a couple of weeks. I understand why time-management programs don’t usually work. Except for Franklin Covey’s. But that’s because Franklin Covey is not really about time at all – it’s about living a values-based life. Imagine that! A time-management program that actually gets to the source of how people struggle with time, and comes up with a real solution!

So when is a solution not a solution? And how do you know when a solution is real?

I would say if it doesn’t work, and you try it again, and it doesn’t work again, and you try it one more time, and it still doesn’t work, then it was probably never the real solution in the first place. That’s the time to look deeper.

Looking deeper sometimes feels scary until you realize it doesn’t mean you have to do anything specific about what you find. All you have to do is be honest about what’s going on, and see if you can step out of the emotions around the way things “should” work long enough to see what’s really working.

By the way, I’ve been working fervently on what I believe is the “real” solution to my weight problem, and I promise when I get it down – I will share.

Whatever your theme is – don’t give up. There is always a real solution somewhere – the adventure is finding it.

Copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre

Feedback – should you give it when you don’t have to?

I’m reading a book called Crucial Conversations, which is all about how to handle those tricky yet critical conversations that make a huge difference in how easily we get to where we want to go in life. These conversations include things like giving the boss negative feedback, handling an uncomfortable situation with a neighbor, or breaking bad news to someone you really care about. I’m only in the first couple of chapters, and so far the book is great, but it brought up many questions, and one in particular involves avoiding giving other people feedback.

When is it ok to avoid giving feedback? My guess is that many times, the reason conversations become crucial is because stuff has been brewing and left un-talked about. On the other hand, there may be situations where it’s actually better to let things go.

We have countless examples to explore – when someone has bad breath, when something is caught in their teeth, when their clothes, shoes, or personal attire isn’t up to snuff, when they say something that might be taken wrong, when they aren’t handling something that well, when they are unwittingly committing political suicide, when they have annoying idiosyncrasies… the list could go on forever.

Part of being a good friend is being honest, but the other part is accepting each other as-is, with no personal judgment. How do you know when being honest is really just being judgmental?

Part of being a good boss, parent, or teacher is providing feedback, but the other part is creating an environment that is safe enough for those in your charge to make mistakes and learn from them. When is it appropriate to tell your child that the picture she drew isn’t a masterpiece? When does the child stop trusting you because you only say positive things?

When you witness a peer giving a presentation, and you are there for support, do you just give them the positive feedback, or do you share the negative points as well?

Here are the guidelines I try to follow:

1. Be honest with myself. I may choose not to give feedback to others, but I still need to know what my opinion is. Many people hide from the truth in order to avoid inner conflict. I now avoid this inner conflict by allowing myself not to act. You may realize that your marriage or your job is not going to work out years before you have the practical means to make a change. But if you hide from the truth, your inner conflict will find other ways to plague you.

2. Clarify my role in the relationship, and ask permission before sharing. Do you want me to make observations to help you take it to the next level, or do you want me to be here for support and validation?

3. Provide information when it will be useful, and stay focused on ways to use it. Your presentation was enjoyable. If you want to have a more powerful impact, you can do A, B, and C.

4. Separate the person from the behavior or situation. You look beautiful. In my opinion, that outfit doesn’t show your best characteristics because it looks tight and bunched up around the hips. The blue outfit you wore at the conference fell more naturally, and really complimented your shape.

5. Remind the person that I only have one perspective, and it may not be the right one. I noticed her flinch when you made the remark about the tackiness of the postcard campaign. I think she was probably surprised and hurt by the comment, but maybe I am wrong – why don’t you check in with her and see?

6. Allow myself room to grow as well. Sometimes I don’t have the energy to bring an issue up. That’s usually a signal that I have more personal growth to work on. But instead of berating myself for not bringing it up when I should, or rationalizing by coming up with an excuse to justify remaining silent, I acknowledge that I still have more work to do on myself – and I trust that the honest moment of self-awareness is moving me in the right direction.

In an ideal world, we would all be able to relate to each other honestly but not hurtfully. In this world, with all the layers we have built up to protect ourselves from each other, sometimes we can’t come close to approaching the ideal. But the more we work towards it, the better we get. Share your stories and opinions on this topic – and let’s all practice this week!

Copyright 2006 Nahid Casazza and Aspyrre