Can you Love a Loser?

This may seem like a silly question, but in it lies one of the most critical secrets to success, both personally and professionally. So play with me for a minute.

Who jumps into your mind when you think of a loser?

If you feel a twinge of guilt and find yourself trying to shove those unkind thoughts from your mind, bring them back! Your thoughts wont hurt anyone, but not being aware of your own judgments will definitely hurt you! Plus, having some examples in your head as you read the rest of this article will help you apply it.

It’s important to be aware of what behaviors or characteristics point you to the label “loser”. Take out a piece of paper and jot down the top three to five characteristics your losers have in common – the ones that put them in that category for you.

Just for fun and personal insight, write the opposite of all of these traits and consider whether or not they are a reflection of your top values. For example, if you put “doesn’t take care of self”, does “caring for self” rank high on your list of desirable attributes?

Now, I want you to think about loving your losers. Not in a romantic sense, but actively seeking to understand how they see the world. What do they wake up hoping for and wondering? What do they think about and struggle with throughout the day? What causes them pain, and how do they try to get their needs met? What do they stand for?

When I ask you if you can love your losers, I don’t mean tolerate. And I don’t mean pity or have compassion for. What I’m asking is would you stand up for them, could you believe in them, could you accept the life they have created for themselves and actually see something intriguing, interesting, or enjoyable in it?

Be honest, and pay attention to your answer!

It provides the key to reaching YOUR highest potential. Why? Because what you are extending outwards is usually about as much as what you are extending inwards. Everyone you interact with is a mirror – what you see in them exists in you as well.

The losers of the world are your greatest gifts, because they show you the parts of yourself you haven’t yet accepted and embraced.

You have probably have heard that believing in yourself is one of the most important keys to success. You may have also heard that confidence and self-esteem come from unconditional self-acceptance. Most people agree with the concept in theory, but living it is another story.

I think the biggest fear people have is the idea that if they accept a negative characteristic inside themselves it means they are condoning it. I don’t think self-love is about that at all. I think it’s about seeing the value in the “negative” parts of yourself, and using ALL of yourself to create what you want instead of relying ONLY on the positive traits.

My husband is into golf, so I find myself watching Tiger Woods and Phil Michelson play a lot. They are the greatest players today, and you know what I notice? How many times they fail. I so admire that they can get up there and fail in front of the world over and over again, yet stay focused and keep going after wins. THAT’s what makes them the best. Look at any sport and you’ll see the same pattern.

In life, these patterns show up as well:
· Are the most responsible people really responsible all the time? Or are they the ones who don’t let their irresponsible moments get the better of them?
· Are the kindest people incapable of being hurtful? Or do they consistently work to be aware of how they impact others, and take responsibility for the times they are hurtful?
· Do the most successful business people always win, or are they the ones who have failed enough so they know how to turn things around?
· In sales, who has survived more rejection, the star sales people or the average ones?
· Are the smartest kids really smart all the time, or are they simply more intrigued and curious about the stuff they don’t yet understand?

Part of what holds us back from success is fear of failure, and even deeper than that, fear of BEING a loser.

If your fear of being a loser disappeared, what would be different for you? And how would that impact your life?

Think about it – can you love a loser?

Copyright ©2008, Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre

Trust is a Verb

Who can you really trust? It's an interesting question, because it really depends on how you define trust. If your criteria for trust is that a person will never hurt you, let you down, or do something that impacts you negatively, then I think the answer is you can't trust anyone.

In human relationships, the closer we get, the more we open up to each other, and the more comfortable we get exposing our dark side. And part of that dark side includes allowing out some of those immature, reactive behaviors that need to be expressed in a safe place. So, when you think about it, the people who hurt you the most tend to be the people you are closest to.

You could say that your criteria for trusting a person is knowing that you can share the ugliest parts of your dark side and still be loved. But we know that's not necessarily a fail safe policy either. Relationships end and even families separate when the dark side gets too dark.

Trust is a verb. It's a choice to take a chance on someone, and allow them to slip up once in awhile, even if you know you might get hurt. I'm talking about close relationships right now, but this applies everywhere, including at work.

Those controlling micro-managers we all struggle with? Usually that control comes from fear that if they let go, the work will not meet their standards, and it will make them look bad. If they see trust as a privilege, conditional on not making any significant mistakes, they'd continuously prove themselves right. It's simply not possible for the team to produce work that is exactly as the boss has envisionned it. As soon as the boss tries to delegate, and someone makes a mistake, or puts something out that doesn't quite go right, the boss "realizes" that he was right and couldn't trust the team, reacting by jumping in to micro-manage some more.

But if trust is a proactive choice, then a micro-managing boss could change by setting clear standards and choosing to trust the team. That choice is a decision to allow the team to make mistakes, and a willingness to face the consequences if the work produced falls short. That willingness to "take the fall with the team", plants a seed of empowerment, allowing trust to build as the team realizes that now the "buck" stops with all of them. Everyone gets hurt when they don't work together. Eventually it's no longer about the boss, it's about the team, and there is no longer a need to micro-manage.

Trust is not about whether or not you will get hurt, it's about whether or not you have the courage to risk getting hurt, and the humility to forgive in advance the hurts that will ultimately be a part of any strong relationship. It's about accepting that we are all human and we all do our best most of the time. Except when we have no energy left to do our best, and we crash.

Who are you willing to trust?

What do you think will change in your life as a result?