Can you Love a Loser?

This may seem like a silly question, but in it lies one of the most critical secrets to success, both personally and professionally. So play with me for a minute.

Who jumps into your mind when you think of a loser?

If you feel a twinge of guilt and find yourself trying to shove those unkind thoughts from your mind, bring them back! Your thoughts wont hurt anyone, but not being aware of your own judgments will definitely hurt you! Plus, having some examples in your head as you read the rest of this article will help you apply it.

It’s important to be aware of what behaviors or characteristics point you to the label “loser”. Take out a piece of paper and jot down the top three to five characteristics your losers have in common – the ones that put them in that category for you.

Just for fun and personal insight, write the opposite of all of these traits and consider whether or not they are a reflection of your top values. For example, if you put “doesn’t take care of self”, does “caring for self” rank high on your list of desirable attributes?

Now, I want you to think about loving your losers. Not in a romantic sense, but actively seeking to understand how they see the world. What do they wake up hoping for and wondering? What do they think about and struggle with throughout the day? What causes them pain, and how do they try to get their needs met? What do they stand for?

When I ask you if you can love your losers, I don’t mean tolerate. And I don’t mean pity or have compassion for. What I’m asking is would you stand up for them, could you believe in them, could you accept the life they have created for themselves and actually see something intriguing, interesting, or enjoyable in it?

Be honest, and pay attention to your answer!

It provides the key to reaching YOUR highest potential. Why? Because what you are extending outwards is usually about as much as what you are extending inwards. Everyone you interact with is a mirror – what you see in them exists in you as well.

The losers of the world are your greatest gifts, because they show you the parts of yourself you haven’t yet accepted and embraced.

You have probably have heard that believing in yourself is one of the most important keys to success. You may have also heard that confidence and self-esteem come from unconditional self-acceptance. Most people agree with the concept in theory, but living it is another story.

I think the biggest fear people have is the idea that if they accept a negative characteristic inside themselves it means they are condoning it. I don’t think self-love is about that at all. I think it’s about seeing the value in the “negative” parts of yourself, and using ALL of yourself to create what you want instead of relying ONLY on the positive traits.

My husband is into golf, so I find myself watching Tiger Woods and Phil Michelson play a lot. They are the greatest players today, and you know what I notice? How many times they fail. I so admire that they can get up there and fail in front of the world over and over again, yet stay focused and keep going after wins. THAT’s what makes them the best. Look at any sport and you’ll see the same pattern.

In life, these patterns show up as well:
· Are the most responsible people really responsible all the time? Or are they the ones who don’t let their irresponsible moments get the better of them?
· Are the kindest people incapable of being hurtful? Or do they consistently work to be aware of how they impact others, and take responsibility for the times they are hurtful?
· Do the most successful business people always win, or are they the ones who have failed enough so they know how to turn things around?
· In sales, who has survived more rejection, the star sales people or the average ones?
· Are the smartest kids really smart all the time, or are they simply more intrigued and curious about the stuff they don’t yet understand?

Part of what holds us back from success is fear of failure, and even deeper than that, fear of BEING a loser.

If your fear of being a loser disappeared, what would be different for you? And how would that impact your life?

Think about it – can you love a loser?

Copyright ©2008, Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre

Our Endless Struggle with Time

All my clients struggle with time to some degree. At one end of the spectrum are those who work 18 to 20 hours per day and still can’t keep up with everything on their plates. They are exhausted, they don’t have time to spend on what they love, and they barely have time to talk with me. At the other end of the spectrum are those who have balanced their life, but still worry about protecting what they have achieved, as there are always opportunities to get lured into new commitments.

The time struggle goes deeper than balancing your “to do” list with hours in the day. Americans are addicted to productivity, and sometimes we get our identity from how much we are able to get done in a given time frame. Have you ever had one of those super-productive days and felt a “high” afterwards from the pride in how much you accomplished?

Then there’s the whole problem with everything you do stretching into the available time. You might remove things from your to do list, only to find that you still don’t seem to have time to get everything done.

I did a time management seminar at a client facility recently, and one of the key things we focused on are what I like to call “the underneath issues”. These are the underlying emotional things that prevent you from feeling comfortable in a “non-busy” state. Here are just a few:

1. Trust: If you worry that something catastrophic will happen if everything isn’t handled, then you will constantly fill your plate monitoring everything within your conscious reach that may go wrong. Even if you get more efficient, your empty time will be filled worrying, and you will create new things to worry about.

2. Identity: If your sense of self is attached to how much you can accomplish in a day, then you will constantly be driven to add as much as you can squeeze into the available spaces. It seems silly, lazy, or unproductive to allow yourself empty time, so if you find that you have 15 extra minutes, you will be compelled to squeeze something else in.

3. Connection: If you have a strong desire to have positive relationships with other people, you may have a difficult time saying no to invitations and requests for your time. You may also have a hard time closing down your e-mail or turning off instant messenger, as you wait to hear from people you care about.

It’s not just internal issues that keep us busy. Productivity, hard work, speed and efficiency are among the most important values in business today. And with the influx of technology into our social lives, we have several times as many opportunities to get involved in community activities. No matter how committed you are to living a peaceful life, the world around you will continue to buzz with activity and invite you “out”.

The bottom line is that changing your “time situation” involves more than learning new time management techniques. It requires you to examine your underlying values, and pay attention to how NOT having enough time serves you. Only when you can pinpoint what compels you to stay busy or overwhelmed can you rise above your frustration and make significant decisions that will change your life.

Copyright ©2008 Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre, www.aspyrre.com

The Perfect New Year’s Resolution

This year, I made the perfect New Year’s resolution. I knew it was perfect as soon as I chose it, and as a coach, I immediately wondered if there was a way to explain what I did, so others can also make “perfect” resolutions. It’s almost easier to explain what not to do, so I’ll start with that.

A perfect resolution is NOT a goal that requires more energy than you have to achieve it.

Most people pick the hardest thing they can think of, the one thing they struggle the most with: losing weight, quitting smoking, making loads of money, finding that perfect relationship or job, and make THAT their resolution. But just the thought of doing what it will take to succeed is draining. Some people muster up a whole bunch of will power and make some progress. Others peter out before they get started.

When I considered my “goals” for the year: exercising more, eating healthier, spending more time with family, getting more organized, taking my business to the next level…. just writing the list felt draining and made me want to stay “on vacation” longer.

However, when I started thinking about how I wanted to live differently in 2008, I uncovered deeper, more important things. I asked myself how I was living my life when I was organized, in tune with my family, and being the person I wanted to be, compared to how I was living my life when I was disorganized, distracted, and not as successful? I noticed a distinct pattern. On my “bad” days I was beating myself up, feeling ashamed of the things that weren’t working, and putting pressure on myself to do more and do better. The pressure drained my energy though, so I was actually doing less, and feeling worse! On my “good” days, I wasn’t paying much attention to how well I was doing, I was just doing. My mental state was more present and focused, and my emotional state was a combination of authenticity and humility.

I decided that in 2008 I want to spend more time feeling present, focused, authentic, and humble, and less time feeling pressured, anxious, ashamed, and frustrated. My “perfect” resolution was to stop the internal pressure. For me, it means that when I notice I’m not living up to whatever external standard I set for myself, to give myself the benefit of the doubt instead of allowing an inner tirade of negative self talk.

Why is this resolution perfect?

1. It doesn’t drain my energy – it excites me! Imagine living life and not feeling negative internal pressure!

2. It’s a resolution because it will require my constant attention until it becomes a habit. I have to consciously remind myself that it’s ok to take a nap or leave the dishes or not send out cards this year. Otherwise I’ll automatically fall back into the negative pressure pattern.

3. It’s in-line with my values and allows me to achieve my goals. When I don’t put pressure on myself, I’m honoring the person I really am, which reflects my values of integrity and authenticity. When I don’t put pressure on myself, I have more energy, which I naturally apply to achieving my goals. This past week I spent lots of time exercising, organizing, and “being” with my family, and it felt natural.

If I am able to keep this resolution, I’ll not only get to live a more enjoyable life, I’ll also have a much easier time achieving ALL of those other goals on my list. So it’s enjoyable and productive at the same time! Perfect!

Your “perfect” resolution will probably be different from mine, but the steps you take to discover it can be the same:

1. Ask yourself how you lived in 2007 and what you would change?

2. Compare the times you were living the way you wanted to live with the times you weren’t. Or, compare your “good times” with your “bad times”. See if you notice any patterns.

3. Think about what parts of the patterns you control. For example, you can’t control the things that happen to you, but you might be able to control how you think about them or how you handle them.

4. Ask yourself, is there anything about how you thought about things or handled things in 2007 that worked especially well? Is this something you could increase in 2008?

5. If you did, how would your life change in 2008? Would the changes excite you? Would it be worth the heightened awareness and conscious effort it would take to make the change?

If so, you may have stumbled on your “perfect resolution”!

So far, I’m truly enjoying my resolution. The trick is to stay aware and conscious of it, even after the novelty of the New Year passes. Keep me posted on what you decide, and how it changes your life – I’d love to hear!

Copyright © January 2008, Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre,

www.aspyrre.com (949) 495-1021

The Art of Inspiration

I love being inspired. It’s one of the greatest feelings I know – and it’s also a productive feeling, because it leads to positive action.

What I’ve noticed about inspiration is that it doesn’t happen often, and when it does, it’s usually triggered by those few charismatic speakers and phenomenal leaders who are able to infuse a profound message into a group of people, and they in turn absorb it into their culture.

At the international ICF conference this month, I closely watched the speakers who most inspired me, and it was something more than charisma that I connected to. It seemed that each of these people had the willingness to share their truth, even if it might be controversial. They had stepped forth to make a contribution based on their convictions, but they were also humble and human and honest, which allowed the audience to identify with them. And, they each offered a path to share in the contribution. They opened the door, so we could also feel the possibility of making a difference. I’m not sure if this describes the “equation” of inspiration or not – but it’s what I noticed, and I also notice these elements in coaching and in effective leadership.

As coaches, we relentlessly challenge our clients to face, share, and stand for their truth, even when it isn’t popular. We encourage our clients to live life according to their values, follow their dreams, and design lives of fulfillment and contribution. And, we open the door of possibility by witnessing and holding them accountable to their vision of success. The most powerful leaders mobilize groups around a common vision, and enable individuals in the group to connect their personal identities to making it happen. It enables individuals to become part of something bigger than themselves; it feels good and does good at the same time.

Have you ever wanted to be inspiring? If you are a leader, it can make all the difference in the world, and I don’t think it’s rocket science. I think it’s more about having the courage to be yourself and stand up for what you believe in. Cliché words – easy to say – way more difficult to do. Most of us can’t even see ourselves, and when we do look, we more often than not immediately react by wincing and changing the subject. Being yourself is NOT easy. But it IS powerful.

Think of all the people who have inspired you. I would love to hear your thoughts on inspiration and what is at the source of it. Share a lot on this one, it’s worth a discussion!

Swimming in Confusion

Confusion can be the most frustrating obstacle a person can face, because it completely stops you from moving forward. I actually believe that confusion shows up as more of a "symptom" than a core obstacle, which makes it even more confusing, because it's more difficult to get to the source!

Sometimes I have clients tell me that they are confused, and by the end of the call they feel clear, focused, and excited to take action and move forward. But then when we talk the following week, they are confused again, often about the same issue, and the commitments they made on the prior call seem insignficant or irrelevant.

My initial reaction to confusion is to look at the situation logically, by asking questions that bring the goal and the obstacles to the surface, so we can make a plan that works. However, if, after coming up with a plan, the same questions come up over and over again - it's a waste of time to look for a logical solution to the obvious question. It's time to go deeper, and find out what's "behind" the confusion.

Here are some things I've discovered behind confusion:

1. Fear of acknowledging that we really want something and we might not have what it takes to make it happen. I think this is why career-changers get tongue tied at the question, "so what are you looking for?" They don't want to say, "Well, I really want to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company," and face the "are you out of your mind?" look. So instead of saying that, they say, "well I'm open to anything that gives me experience and opportunity", and get a blank look. I think the way around this one is to accept the fact that you probably DON'T have everything it takes to get what you want, but no matter who you are, you have the same right as everyone else to reach for the stars, and chart out a path to a challenging destination. And, if you choose a direction towards what you really want, the experience you get will be relevant to what you want, and you'll be surprised at how many new opportunities will come up. And also, to avoid the judgmental looks, you can always use the word "eventually". In your mind eventually can mean a few months, but nobody else has to know that.

2. Fear that if we make the wrong decision, we'll miss out on the life we were supposed to live. Every day we miss out on something, whether we acknowledge it or not. There's only one thing we don't miss out on in any given moment, and that is that moment. Would you rather make the most of the moment you are in, or live with continuous regrets over all the imagined moments you are missing? Successful people aren't successful because they make the right decisions; they are successful because they make the most of their situations. Honestly, one life path isn't THAT different from most of the others. And there are SO many paths that lead to the same destination that it's kind of impossible to ruin your chances at anything, even after blowing a few key opportunities.

3. Fear that if we live our lives the way we really want to, we'll be a huge disappointment to those whose opinions we care about. The problem with this one is that we are so caught up in being who we think we should be that we can't see who we really are. It takes courage to let go of other people's opinions, but it IS possible, and as you do, it's amazing how much more clearly you can see yourself and know what you want.

I wrote an article on my website about confusion, and some additional ways to get yourself the clarity you need. Here's the link if you are interested: http://www.aspyrre.com/confusion01.htm

I think if there's one message I'd like to get accross today, it's how lethal confusion can be, and how important it is to find enough clarity to be effective in your life. It's not always easy to figure things out, but it's always worth the effort.

Trust is a Verb

Who can you really trust? It's an interesting question, because it really depends on how you define trust. If your criteria for trust is that a person will never hurt you, let you down, or do something that impacts you negatively, then I think the answer is you can't trust anyone.

In human relationships, the closer we get, the more we open up to each other, and the more comfortable we get exposing our dark side. And part of that dark side includes allowing out some of those immature, reactive behaviors that need to be expressed in a safe place. So, when you think about it, the people who hurt you the most tend to be the people you are closest to.

You could say that your criteria for trusting a person is knowing that you can share the ugliest parts of your dark side and still be loved. But we know that's not necessarily a fail safe policy either. Relationships end and even families separate when the dark side gets too dark.

Trust is a verb. It's a choice to take a chance on someone, and allow them to slip up once in awhile, even if you know you might get hurt. I'm talking about close relationships right now, but this applies everywhere, including at work.

Those controlling micro-managers we all struggle with? Usually that control comes from fear that if they let go, the work will not meet their standards, and it will make them look bad. If they see trust as a privilege, conditional on not making any significant mistakes, they'd continuously prove themselves right. It's simply not possible for the team to produce work that is exactly as the boss has envisionned it. As soon as the boss tries to delegate, and someone makes a mistake, or puts something out that doesn't quite go right, the boss "realizes" that he was right and couldn't trust the team, reacting by jumping in to micro-manage some more.

But if trust is a proactive choice, then a micro-managing boss could change by setting clear standards and choosing to trust the team. That choice is a decision to allow the team to make mistakes, and a willingness to face the consequences if the work produced falls short. That willingness to "take the fall with the team", plants a seed of empowerment, allowing trust to build as the team realizes that now the "buck" stops with all of them. Everyone gets hurt when they don't work together. Eventually it's no longer about the boss, it's about the team, and there is no longer a need to micro-manage.

Trust is not about whether or not you will get hurt, it's about whether or not you have the courage to risk getting hurt, and the humility to forgive in advance the hurts that will ultimately be a part of any strong relationship. It's about accepting that we are all human and we all do our best most of the time. Except when we have no energy left to do our best, and we crash.

Who are you willing to trust?

What do you think will change in your life as a result?

What gets in the way of successful coaching?

Recently, I particpated in a study that attempted to measure the key factors that determine success in an executive coaching engagement. When I compared what I consider to be my “successful” vs “unsuccessful” coaching engagements, I don’t believe the survey enabled me to get to the crux of what I believe made the real difference, but it certainly made me think seriously about the issue.

To me: “Successful” meant that they were able to make significant behavioral changes and become more effective within their organizations at achieving their goals. “Unsuccessful” meant that they were not able to change the behavior patterns that got in the way of their success.

What happened in the successful engagements is that they were emotionally open and ready to change a way of looking at the world that wasn’t serving them anymore, and as a result, they could change the way they interacted in the world. The reason they were able to do this may have had to do with my coaching skills, but there were two additional factors: (1) how “deep” the negative paradigm was ingrained, and (2) how personally threatening it was for them to let go of it.

In successful engagements, the shifts that were required were mostly non-threatening and not too deep, and when they were, the client had a lot of personal courage and trust in me, and they were ready to dig into some of their dirt. Some of this is related to how experienced I am as a coach, because I create the safe and trusting environment, but if they aren’t ready to see things differently, they wont be able to – no matter what I say or do.

In the unsuccessful engagements, most clients were trapped – stuck tight in negative belief patterns they couldn’t break out of. For example:

One client was very talented, but so locked in a power struggle with his boss that as soon as he started succeeding he had to sabotage himself. In this case he would have never succeeded with this boss, but if I’d had more time with him, we might have at least gotten him some clarity and tools to understand what drove the sabotage.

Another two clients were doing very well until they got to a point in their coaching where it got too scary for them and they weren’t ready to go any further. With one, I suggested a 360 and it scared him, because he didn’t want to see the feedback from his team. So he started slowing down and avoiding the sessions. With another, she had a conflict with someone and created a villain story she did not want to let go of. Since conversations with me forced her to take responsibility for her role in this conflict, she went into avoidance mode and ended the sessions.

In the most successful engagements, we either did not run into these brick walls or the client had the courage to face them. So in these cases, success often has more to do with the client’s courage and commitment to going below the surface issue and addressing the real issue than whether or not they show up to sessions. While two of my clients handled their fear by pre-maturely ending the sessions, the others were very committed on the surface but kept dancing around the real issues until they couldn’t anymore.

Where the coach’s experience comes in is here: When I was less experienced, I allowed my clients to lead me around and around in circles above the real issue. Now that I’m more experienced I am able to cut through to what’s more important earlier.

I think what's important about that is that for clients who really aren't ready to make a significant change, they either wont engage at all or we'll hit the brick wall within the first few sessions, and we wont waste time and money dancing around the issue. With clients who are ready, we'll get there faster and we'll struggle earlier, but results will happen faster.

What does this mean if you are considering hiring a coach? Know what you want to change, and be willing to consider different perspectives and new ways of looking at your situations. It may feel uncomfortable up front, but usually every time you make a shift, you feel relief and you realize that what you were clinging to was just causing you pain.