How your Identity Impacts your Success
You may have noticed that it’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog entry. There is a good reason for this: in July, I made the decision to pull my children out of daycare. I took the month of August off work, and drove around the United States with them, through 25 states, visiting family, friends, museums, and historical sites. We got home in time for school to start, and I did not re-enroll them in after school daycare, choosing instead to compress my business into the hours they are at school, and devoting the afternoons to being a parent. My business motto has been “twice the revenue in half the time”. We’ll see how that actually pans out over the next year or so, but meanwhile, it has been an interesting lesson in productivity, efficiency, and surprisingly, personal identity.
On the surface, it’s been fairly clear how to prioritize my tasks, schedule my days, and make the changes required to navigate this transition. The real struggle completely caught me off guard – it was this internal sense of vague confusion over what makes me a success. I’ve had spurts of frustration and irritation that seem to come out of nowhere, and after several bouts of thinking things through it hit me that my business transition has knocked me into a mini-identity crisis.
I don’t know if we realize how tied we are to our identity until it changes. In retrospect, I know that when I started my business, the personal identity I globbed onto was “successful entrepreneur”. Statistics or not, I was not willing to fail at building a viable business that I could be proud of. All my feelings of self-worth were wrapped up in the business. Once it gathered enough momentum and I crossed that “survival” line, new questions started nagging at me, and the main one was “how am I doing in my role as parent”? I don’t think I was quite satisfied with the answer, and this began the drive to change into what I wanted my new identity to be: both a successful business owner and a successful parent.
When I work with professionals in transition, I find that loss of identity is one of the biggest contributors to the stress and emotional struggle they experience while they are out of work. I also notice that the clients I coach are going to naturally behave in ways that are in line with their personal identity, and if they don’t strongly identify with the role they are moving toward, it’s almost impossible for them to succeed.
When you think about your own success, it’s important to know what roles you have defined for yourself, and what they mean to you. For example, I when I watch other parents, I see a wide variety of ways each individual defines success in that role. Some parents define their success through the success of their children, some define their success by the amount of time they spend with their children, some by the kind of relationships they have with their children. At work, some define success by how much money they bring in, some by what they are building and the impact they are having on the world, some by the level of power in their organization, some by how much they are learning – we are all different.
If you are struggling at work or in any area of your life, you may want to write down the roles you see yourself playing, and how you define success in each of those roles. Just taking a moment to ask yourself who you are and who you want to be brings assumptions to the surface, and may reveal the source of any frustration or confusion you feel in your current role.
The bottom line is that we really aren’t any of the roles we play, and the roles we play in life change many times. Our identity is what we make up in our mind about the roles we are playing currently, and how we define success in that role. If you are feeling successful in life, you probably fit well into how you define success. If you are feeling frustrated or unsuccessful, there is a good chance that you feel “out of synch” with your definition of who you “should” be and what success in that role means.
How to get back “in synch”? Well, you can change your behavior, or you can change your definition of success, or you can look deeper for something that means more to you than the current role you are playing. If you’d like to talk about this, or anything else related to your success, don’t hesitate to write or call. These are the big questions that take time to think about, but make the difference in your success, personal fulfillment, and overall life satisfaction.
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
How to Deal with a Micromanaging Boss
Bosses are tough to deal with in general. They represent authority, and they often bring back memories of what we hated most in our relationships with our parents and teachers growing up. The micro-managing boss is especially hard to handle if you are creative, innovative, and want to make a contribution of your own in an organization. But since quite a few people in management positions fit this profile, chances are you will end up with one at some point in your career. Here are some tips to help you get the space you need to thrive:
1. Understand that micromanaging behavior is driven by the positive characteristics of conscientiousness, diligence, and responsibility; it’s just that they have been taken to an extreme. People often confuse themselves with the quality of the work they produce. As long as they can control the quality of their work, they are ok, but as soon as they have to depend on others for results, they are faced with the fear of representing sloppy or substandard output. Since putting out less than excellent work is SO personally humiliating, they need constant reassurance that the team is performing. Keep in mind that behavior such as constant checking on your progress or reviewing your work has NOTHING to do with how well you perform. It is about your boss, who has gotten so caught up in his or her fears and needs for reassurance that he or she is not aware of how this behavior may be impacting you.
2. You can give yourself space by playing to their standards for excellence and needs for reassurance. Initiate a conversation about expectations and standards of work output, and make sure your boss is clear about where your standards are. If you have a difference of opinion, get it talked out and come to an agreement about what standards you are both comfortable with. Then COMMUNICATE. It’s natural to react to micro-management by doing everything possible to avoid communication. But that just plays into the vicious circle of mutual mistrust and escalates the problem. If you develop a habit of sending a short e-mail on a daily or weekly basis that gives your status on a project and how you are handling situations, the boss gets a stream of continuous reassurance, and wont feel a strong need to check in.
3. Once you have developed a certain degree of trust with your boss, you may want to take it to the next step, and that is providing feedback on the impact of the micromanaging behavior. For example, “I notice that you have redone my last three powerpoint presentations. I understand your desire to have us represented in a positive light, but you may not realize that you are sending a subtle message, that I can’t do powerpoint presentations, and that makes me feel less excited about doing them well in the first place. Is there something specific you are noticing about the way I do my presentations that does not meet the standards we agreed on related to our work?”
Unfortunately, the micro-managing boss ends up fulfilling his own fears. As he takes more responsibility for the work of the team, the team feels completely disempowered and loses the motivation to produce their best work. Soon they are complaining and doing very little, and he is fretting about how they don’t care and he has the weight of more than one job on his shoulders. It may take several attempts to help him turn around, because he needs to let go and allow himself to look bad in order to re-empower the team, build trust, and get to the point where he gets results that are better than he ever dreamed.
If you are a micro-manager, or you work for one, anything you can do to facilitate the change will be a positive learning experience. Giving your boss feedback that enables him to become a better leader is a gift he will be forever grateful for. And if you are that boss, imagine getting rid of the experience of being overworked and not being able to trust anyone, and moving to a place where you get to work with people who consistently go well beyond the call of duty, and you are so honored to be their leader that you would never consider taking ownership for the phenomenal work they put forth.
Bosses are tough to deal with in general. They represent authority, and they often bring back memories of what we hated most in our relationships with our parents and teachers growing up. The micro-managing boss is especially hard to handle if you are creative, innovative, and want to make a contribution of your own in an organization. But since quite a few people in management positions fit this profile, chances are you will end up with one at some point in your career. Here are some tips to help you get the space you need to thrive:
1. Understand that micromanaging behavior is driven by the positive characteristics of conscientiousness, diligence, and responsibility; it’s just that they have been taken to an extreme. People often confuse themselves with the quality of the work they produce. As long as they can control the quality of their work, they are ok, but as soon as they have to depend on others for results, they are faced with the fear of representing sloppy or substandard output. Since putting out less than excellent work is SO personally humiliating, they need constant reassurance that the team is performing. Keep in mind that behavior such as constant checking on your progress or reviewing your work has NOTHING to do with how well you perform. It is about your boss, who has gotten so caught up in his or her fears and needs for reassurance that he or she is not aware of how this behavior may be impacting you.
2. You can give yourself space by playing to their standards for excellence and needs for reassurance. Initiate a conversation about expectations and standards of work output, and make sure your boss is clear about where your standards are. If you have a difference of opinion, get it talked out and come to an agreement about what standards you are both comfortable with. Then COMMUNICATE. It’s natural to react to micro-management by doing everything possible to avoid communication. But that just plays into the vicious circle of mutual mistrust and escalates the problem. If you develop a habit of sending a short e-mail on a daily or weekly basis that gives your status on a project and how you are handling situations, the boss gets a stream of continuous reassurance, and wont feel a strong need to check in.
3. Once you have developed a certain degree of trust with your boss, you may want to take it to the next step, and that is providing feedback on the impact of the micromanaging behavior. For example, “I notice that you have redone my last three powerpoint presentations. I understand your desire to have us represented in a positive light, but you may not realize that you are sending a subtle message, that I can’t do powerpoint presentations, and that makes me feel less excited about doing them well in the first place. Is there something specific you are noticing about the way I do my presentations that does not meet the standards we agreed on related to our work?”
Unfortunately, the micro-managing boss ends up fulfilling his own fears. As he takes more responsibility for the work of the team, the team feels completely disempowered and loses the motivation to produce their best work. Soon they are complaining and doing very little, and he is fretting about how they don’t care and he has the weight of more than one job on his shoulders. It may take several attempts to help him turn around, because he needs to let go and allow himself to look bad in order to re-empower the team, build trust, and get to the point where he gets results that are better than he ever dreamed.
If you are a micro-manager, or you work for one, anything you can do to facilitate the change will be a positive learning experience. Giving your boss feedback that enables him to become a better leader is a gift he will be forever grateful for. And if you are that boss, imagine getting rid of the experience of being overworked and not being able to trust anyone, and moving to a place where you get to work with people who consistently go well beyond the call of duty, and you are so honored to be their leader that you would never consider taking ownership for the phenomenal work they put forth.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Conflict at Work – Productive or Destructive?
Several months ago, I was reading the book “Five Dysfunctions of a Team”, and learned about the concept of “artificial harmony”. This is when everyone is super nice to each other on the surface, but underneath they have different feelings, opinions, and perspectives that they aren’t sharing. It’s a great concept, because it helps us begin to see what’s going wrong in organizations where people seem to be getting along just fine, but the team is not achieving stellar results. What you learn from reading that book is the importance of what I call “productive conflict”.
Productive conflict is when people openly talk about their disagreements, and they may even get frustrated with each other at times, but they all stay with the conversation and work through it, and as a result you create a solution that is better than any one person could have created on their own.
Destructive conflict is when people go beyond disagreements to personal attacks, and this creates a stressful environment that drains most people and begets marginal performance at best.
If you aren’t clear on how to prevent productive conflict from deteriorating into destructive conflict, the “safer” road is to create an environment of artificial harmony. In this environment there isn’t as much stress, but you wont be getting as much out of your team as you could be, which could be a HUGE opportunity cost.
So how do you create an environment that supports productive conflict, but insures that it does NOT deteriorate into destructive conflict?
The key to this is creating a safe environment, where people have a solid level of trust and respect for each other, which means that when something starts going wrong, they’ll have a tendency to extend the benefit of the doubt to their co-workers, instead of quickly reacting and making character judgments. If they hold on to their character judgments of each other, then whether they express them (destructive conflict) or repress them (artificial harmony), the team cannot work effectively together.
Creating this environment takes time, because people are people and we all have personal baggage. The baggage usually shows up in our automatic reactions to things – especially the reactions that seem to be stronger than a given situation would warrant. Since we all react sometimes it helps to acknowledge this, and then set clear ground rules on how to handle our reactions:
Ground Rule # 1 – NOTICE THAT YOU ARE REACTING
If you notice that you are reacting, you can separate yourself from the reaction and that gives it less power over you. Remind yourself that most reactions come in the form of anger or hurt over how someone treated us in the past. So, although the extreme emotion you are experiencing has been triggered by a current event, it is really about something entirely different. You can’t handle a situation effectively while you are in a reaction, so knowing you are reacting enables you to hold off on firing off that angry e-mail or marching into someone’s office with a dramatic ultimatum.
Ground Rule # 2 – NO CHARACTER JUDGMENTS ALLOWED
Most reactions include a negative character judgment towards the person deemed responsible for the negative situation. But character judgments aren’t the truth. They simply allow you to feel self-righteous and superior when you are feeling threatened. When you feel completely safe, it’s easy to have compassion for people, even when they are behaving in a negative manner. So no matter how rude, inconsiderate, dishonest, power-hungry, manipulative, lazy, or unethical your mind is telling you a person is, you need to understand that your mind is making that up from the perspective of your reaction, and no matter how true it FEELS, it’s not the truth.
Ground Rule # 3 – WORK THROUGH YOUR EMOTIONS AWAY FROM WORK
Find a way to separate from your reaction, and take the time you need, away from the work environment. This where it’s great to have a coach, because you can call your coach, vent, get some perspective, and calm down without jeopardizing your reputation at work by venting there.
Ground Rule # 4 – COMMUNICATE AND FIND OUT THE WHOLE STORY
Once you are calm enough to refrain from saying something you’ll regret later, it’s time to ask questions, find out what perspectives others have related to the same situation, and especially to have a conversation with the very person you were reacting to. Find out what lead to their behavior. In most cases, you’ll find out their intention was completely different from what you originally thought it was.
Most professionals can manage steps one through three, but then go back to work and decide not to “dredge it up” again. That’s artificial harmony. When you don’t have the conversations that uncover real intentions, character judgments and mistrust persist.
It’s only when people have the courage to follow ground rule # 4 that you can create an environment of trust, productive conflict, and as a result, innovation.
For leaders, the key is to keep pushing the ground rules, and moving your team into conversations about issues even when they insist that they are ok. Once they’ve gone through the process a few times, and find out that their initial reactions weren’t based in reality, they begin to trust the process more than their reactions. Little by little, trust builds in the environment, and conversations happen more freely.
And then, hold on for a great ride – because your team will begin to feel a magical synergy amongst them, and they’ll take you places you’ve never imagined!
Several months ago, I was reading the book “Five Dysfunctions of a Team”, and learned about the concept of “artificial harmony”. This is when everyone is super nice to each other on the surface, but underneath they have different feelings, opinions, and perspectives that they aren’t sharing. It’s a great concept, because it helps us begin to see what’s going wrong in organizations where people seem to be getting along just fine, but the team is not achieving stellar results. What you learn from reading that book is the importance of what I call “productive conflict”.
Productive conflict is when people openly talk about their disagreements, and they may even get frustrated with each other at times, but they all stay with the conversation and work through it, and as a result you create a solution that is better than any one person could have created on their own.
Destructive conflict is when people go beyond disagreements to personal attacks, and this creates a stressful environment that drains most people and begets marginal performance at best.
If you aren’t clear on how to prevent productive conflict from deteriorating into destructive conflict, the “safer” road is to create an environment of artificial harmony. In this environment there isn’t as much stress, but you wont be getting as much out of your team as you could be, which could be a HUGE opportunity cost.
So how do you create an environment that supports productive conflict, but insures that it does NOT deteriorate into destructive conflict?
The key to this is creating a safe environment, where people have a solid level of trust and respect for each other, which means that when something starts going wrong, they’ll have a tendency to extend the benefit of the doubt to their co-workers, instead of quickly reacting and making character judgments. If they hold on to their character judgments of each other, then whether they express them (destructive conflict) or repress them (artificial harmony), the team cannot work effectively together.
Creating this environment takes time, because people are people and we all have personal baggage. The baggage usually shows up in our automatic reactions to things – especially the reactions that seem to be stronger than a given situation would warrant. Since we all react sometimes it helps to acknowledge this, and then set clear ground rules on how to handle our reactions:
Ground Rule # 1 – NOTICE THAT YOU ARE REACTING
If you notice that you are reacting, you can separate yourself from the reaction and that gives it less power over you. Remind yourself that most reactions come in the form of anger or hurt over how someone treated us in the past. So, although the extreme emotion you are experiencing has been triggered by a current event, it is really about something entirely different. You can’t handle a situation effectively while you are in a reaction, so knowing you are reacting enables you to hold off on firing off that angry e-mail or marching into someone’s office with a dramatic ultimatum.
Ground Rule # 2 – NO CHARACTER JUDGMENTS ALLOWED
Most reactions include a negative character judgment towards the person deemed responsible for the negative situation. But character judgments aren’t the truth. They simply allow you to feel self-righteous and superior when you are feeling threatened. When you feel completely safe, it’s easy to have compassion for people, even when they are behaving in a negative manner. So no matter how rude, inconsiderate, dishonest, power-hungry, manipulative, lazy, or unethical your mind is telling you a person is, you need to understand that your mind is making that up from the perspective of your reaction, and no matter how true it FEELS, it’s not the truth.
Ground Rule # 3 – WORK THROUGH YOUR EMOTIONS AWAY FROM WORK
Find a way to separate from your reaction, and take the time you need, away from the work environment. This where it’s great to have a coach, because you can call your coach, vent, get some perspective, and calm down without jeopardizing your reputation at work by venting there.
Ground Rule # 4 – COMMUNICATE AND FIND OUT THE WHOLE STORY
Once you are calm enough to refrain from saying something you’ll regret later, it’s time to ask questions, find out what perspectives others have related to the same situation, and especially to have a conversation with the very person you were reacting to. Find out what lead to their behavior. In most cases, you’ll find out their intention was completely different from what you originally thought it was.
Most professionals can manage steps one through three, but then go back to work and decide not to “dredge it up” again. That’s artificial harmony. When you don’t have the conversations that uncover real intentions, character judgments and mistrust persist.
It’s only when people have the courage to follow ground rule # 4 that you can create an environment of trust, productive conflict, and as a result, innovation.
For leaders, the key is to keep pushing the ground rules, and moving your team into conversations about issues even when they insist that they are ok. Once they’ve gone through the process a few times, and find out that their initial reactions weren’t based in reality, they begin to trust the process more than their reactions. Little by little, trust builds in the environment, and conversations happen more freely.
And then, hold on for a great ride – because your team will begin to feel a magical synergy amongst them, and they’ll take you places you’ve never imagined!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Dealing with Frustrating People at Work
Do you ever wonder how much more work you’d get done without the people? And to prove it, do you sometimes go in on a weekend and notice that you got an entire week’s worth of work done in just two hours? Dealing with other people at work is one of the most time-consuming things you have to do. And dealing with frustrating people can downright stop productivity in its tracks.
One of the most common types of frustrating people are the ones who seem to be “blocking” your ability to move forward without any logical basis for their behavior. They might throw up additional hoops for you to jump through that seem completely insignificant. They might get distracted running in so many directions that the team can’t focus on one thing long enough to move forward. They may be polite and cooperative and seem to understand what needs to be done, but then never follow through. Or they may simply be “too busy” to help you and look completely offended and put out at the expectation that you would expect anything more out of them since they are already overworked.
We all have different work styles, and this tends to exacerbate the situation. Sometimes it can be really enlightening to learn about your work style and compare it to those on your team. Although there are many different “work style” assessments, almost all of them group people loosely into four categories:
The Visionaries: These are the leaders who see possibilities, get excited about them, and can get everyone else excited and moving in one direction, but they don’t like to bother with the details, and sometimes they get so many new ideas that they are off and running in a new direction before you have a chance to act on the first plan. If you are a visionary, process oriented people will bore you, and drive you nuts, because it will feel like they are slowing everything down to a snail’s pace while the window of opportunity closes. A good coping mechanism is to realize you need process oriented people to bring your ideas to life and build in the quality they need to stay alive.
The Systemizers: These are the process oriented people who care about the details and get things done thoroughly. They are behind high quality and reliability. Their diligence can make the difference between a brand you can trust and a “rinky dink” outfit. But they take a long time to think things through, and sometimes they are still working out the details of a project when everyone else has lost interest and moved on. If you are a systemizer, visionaries will seem like unstable lunatics, and it will be hard to see the method in their madness. One thing that can increase your appreciation for the visionaries is that they are usually the ones out there bringing customers in to appreciate what YOU have worked so hard to produce.
The Task Masters: Task masters are focused and they don’t mind pushing the team to get things done. Once their eyes are set on a goal, they drive everyone involved towards that goal and have no patience for dragging feet. Of all the work styles, task masters have the least patience for all the “people issues” that get in the way of progress. They aren’t interested in whether or not people feel fulfilled by the functions they perform, or whether people on the team actually like each other, or if things are “fair”. They just want to get to the goal as quickly as possible. If you are a task master, you may be puzzled because it seems like you are offending people left and right when all you want is to get the job done. One thing that may open your perspective to having a people pleaser on you team, is that when people are getting along emotionally, it’s amazing how much more productive they are.
The People Pleasers: People pleasers want everyone to get along, feel fulfilled, and enjoy working together. They care most about creating the kind of work environment that allows people to be their best and perform accordingly. What frustrates them the most is watching members of the team disengage because they aren’t feeling respected or valued, and they often build up a lot of resentment towards the culprits, labeling them as rude, political, or otherwise “unworthy” of respect because of their lack of consideration for their fellow human beings. If you are a people pleaser, one tool that helps is proactively looking for a positive intention behind the behaviors that offend, and taking the initiative to build stronger relationships with ALL personalities in the workplace. This enables you to use your natural strengths to help create the positive environment you cherish, and see people thrive as a result.
Understanding your work style and those of others you work closely with is a first step towards getting more done as a team. You can’t always get away from working with people, but the more you learn about how people work, the more work YOU can get done!
Do you ever wonder how much more work you’d get done without the people? And to prove it, do you sometimes go in on a weekend and notice that you got an entire week’s worth of work done in just two hours? Dealing with other people at work is one of the most time-consuming things you have to do. And dealing with frustrating people can downright stop productivity in its tracks.
One of the most common types of frustrating people are the ones who seem to be “blocking” your ability to move forward without any logical basis for their behavior. They might throw up additional hoops for you to jump through that seem completely insignificant. They might get distracted running in so many directions that the team can’t focus on one thing long enough to move forward. They may be polite and cooperative and seem to understand what needs to be done, but then never follow through. Or they may simply be “too busy” to help you and look completely offended and put out at the expectation that you would expect anything more out of them since they are already overworked.
We all have different work styles, and this tends to exacerbate the situation. Sometimes it can be really enlightening to learn about your work style and compare it to those on your team. Although there are many different “work style” assessments, almost all of them group people loosely into four categories:
The Visionaries: These are the leaders who see possibilities, get excited about them, and can get everyone else excited and moving in one direction, but they don’t like to bother with the details, and sometimes they get so many new ideas that they are off and running in a new direction before you have a chance to act on the first plan. If you are a visionary, process oriented people will bore you, and drive you nuts, because it will feel like they are slowing everything down to a snail’s pace while the window of opportunity closes. A good coping mechanism is to realize you need process oriented people to bring your ideas to life and build in the quality they need to stay alive.
The Systemizers: These are the process oriented people who care about the details and get things done thoroughly. They are behind high quality and reliability. Their diligence can make the difference between a brand you can trust and a “rinky dink” outfit. But they take a long time to think things through, and sometimes they are still working out the details of a project when everyone else has lost interest and moved on. If you are a systemizer, visionaries will seem like unstable lunatics, and it will be hard to see the method in their madness. One thing that can increase your appreciation for the visionaries is that they are usually the ones out there bringing customers in to appreciate what YOU have worked so hard to produce.
The Task Masters: Task masters are focused and they don’t mind pushing the team to get things done. Once their eyes are set on a goal, they drive everyone involved towards that goal and have no patience for dragging feet. Of all the work styles, task masters have the least patience for all the “people issues” that get in the way of progress. They aren’t interested in whether or not people feel fulfilled by the functions they perform, or whether people on the team actually like each other, or if things are “fair”. They just want to get to the goal as quickly as possible. If you are a task master, you may be puzzled because it seems like you are offending people left and right when all you want is to get the job done. One thing that may open your perspective to having a people pleaser on you team, is that when people are getting along emotionally, it’s amazing how much more productive they are.
The People Pleasers: People pleasers want everyone to get along, feel fulfilled, and enjoy working together. They care most about creating the kind of work environment that allows people to be their best and perform accordingly. What frustrates them the most is watching members of the team disengage because they aren’t feeling respected or valued, and they often build up a lot of resentment towards the culprits, labeling them as rude, political, or otherwise “unworthy” of respect because of their lack of consideration for their fellow human beings. If you are a people pleaser, one tool that helps is proactively looking for a positive intention behind the behaviors that offend, and taking the initiative to build stronger relationships with ALL personalities in the workplace. This enables you to use your natural strengths to help create the positive environment you cherish, and see people thrive as a result.
Understanding your work style and those of others you work closely with is a first step towards getting more done as a team. You can’t always get away from working with people, but the more you learn about how people work, the more work YOU can get done!
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Taking "Win-Win" to a Whole New Level
I don’t know about you, but even though I really want to be a good and giving person, sometimes I get tired of being asked to donate to so many different causes. High school students knock on my door wanting me to order newspapers so they can go on school trips. I get endless calls from alumni associations and cancer societies. And my children always have something they “should” be selling to raise additional funds for their schools.
It’s not that I don’t believe in these causes, but I don’t like to feel manipulated into buying things I don’t really want, and I don’t like to feel guilty when I say no. I know we all have a choice, and I’ve learned to maintain my boundaries.
This solution doesn't feel quite right though. It still involves inner conflict. In order for one party to get what they need, others must give up at least some of what they value. What if it were possible for everyone to easily get what they need?
Last night my daughter showed me one example of what I call a “self-serving winners circle”. It’s an innovative way to give that feels much more like receiving than giving.
It’s a website called www.freerice.com. The organization’s mission is to end world hunger, and the way they do it is brilliant. They’ve created a fun vocabulary game that is easy to play and automatically adjusts to your level as you go, whether you are a second grade student or an English scholar. The site also has a place for banner ads. The companies who advertise pay and get visibility just like they would on any other site. A self-serving winners circle has been created with three winners and NO losers:
1. Winner # 1 – Anyone who likes to play on the computer and learn something incredibly useful at the same time. Go play the vocabulary game, improve your mastery of the English language, and every time you get a word right, you earn 20 grains of rice for the hungry. That doesn’t sound like a lot, but my daughter and I played for about an hour and got up to 7,000 grains pretty quickly. We were trying to figure out how much that was, and we decided it probably fed at least one person one meal. So not only did we both learn a few new words, we got to feel GOOD about making a contribution to something in the world, and she gets to take a print out of our results back to her teacher and get bonus points in school. To me, this is the essence of the joy of receiving and giving at the same time – freely.
2. Winner # 2 – The advertisers. Last I checked, the google rating for this site was a 6/10 which is pretty high, and my guess is that it will be even higher as the word continues to spread. I’m not exactly sure what the payment arrangement is for the advertiser, but whether it is based on “grains of rice earned while your banner is up” or some other formula, it’s probably similar to what they would pay for putting up a banner on any site. But in this case, they get the added benefit of being well-regarded and actually looked at with curiosity instead of annoyance. Site users wonder.. “hmm.. who are the cool companies advertising on this site – maybe I’ll take a more serious look at what they have to offer”. Imagine using the same marketing dollars to get visibility, increase good will, AND do good in the world!
3. Winner # 3 – The starving people who get to eat the rice that the vocabulary game players earn and the advertisers pay for. The site explains how they work with the UN food bank to make this happen.
To me, this is the essence of “win-win”. It’s about creating a system where everyone who participates truly wins in a tangible way, and no one in the system is giving just for the sake of giving. This is not a new concept. I remember learning about it in economics. Yet, it interests me that people don’t use it more.
It’s like we have a social paradigm that says giving has to hurt a little to be real. So we keep appealing to people’s sense of duty and morality to get important things done. But if there’s a more practical way to get the same thing done with less effort and fewer resources, why not?
My question is, where else might self-serving winners circles be useful? In business, could a self-serving winners circle make it almost effortless to attract new customers? At home, could a self-serving winners circle make discipline effortless? In a school, could a self-serving winners circle make teaching effortless? Besides feeding the hungry, are there positive, synergistic ways to tackle some of the other big problems in the world, like healthcare, crime, or even terrorism?
I think www.freerice.com has created a self-serving winners circle to make feeding the world a good deal easier, if not completely effortless, and I think they give a good example of how to create a system where people will naturally and enthusiastically work together towards a purpose, not just because they believe in the purpose, but because doing so serves them as well.
Self-serving systems are self-feeding, so they are endless. Resources are not depleted, and in fact, every participant in the system is receiving something they need. Because participants are naturally winning, they stay engaged, and the system continues to grow, generating and receiving more positive energy along the way.
Think about the things you want to accomplish for yourself, at work, and in the world. What is getting in the way? Do you need more cooperation from other people to succeed? If so, is it possible to create a self-serving winners circle? I’d love to hear!
Monday, April 14, 2008
How to Get Cooperation when you Aren’t the Boss
One of the biggest frustrations in a busy work environment is having to depend on other people to get your work done. This can really drive you nuts if your personal reputation, performance review, and future at the company depends on getting results, and those results depend on others.
How can you get people to give you what you need to succeed? Especially if they are overworked, and you are not the boss? Some of the most common ways of handling this simply don’t work anymore:
1. You could send out several requests for help, document the e-mail trail, and not complete your project on time. You could show the evidence to your boss when asked. The problem with this method is that the company needs the project done in order to succeed, and whether or not they understand that you tried, they are still faced with the fact that they don’t have the results they need.
2. You could complain about the person’s lack of cooperation to their boss. However, in doing so, you’ve made them look bad, and while they may comply with your requests in the future so as not to get in trouble, they will not trust you, and may try to get by on giving you the minimum possible. This reduces your ability to put out your best work.
3. You could go talk to the person, and your success depends quite a bit on how you approach the situation. If your frustration and stress have already gotten the better of you, you may end up with less cooperation than when you started. However, if you approach the situation well, you will not only get cooperation, you will have created a long-term ally, and this insures success not only on this project, but many to come.
When thinking about the “right” approach, it often helps to put yourself in the shoes of your target, and imagine times when others have approached you for help. Stop reading for a minute and just do a quick exercise. Remember a time when someone approached you for help and you were more than willing to go beyond the call of duty to chip in, whether or not it was part of your regular tasks. Also remember a time when someone approached you for help and you just wanted them to go away. You did everything you could to get out of it. Write notes to yourself on what the situations were and what your reaction was based on.
What insights do you get from reading your results?
I did this exercise as well, and here’s what I came up with:
When I would be more than willing to go out of my way to help you:
1. I believe in your agenda, goal or purpose. Whatever you are trying to accomplish makes sense to me, and I think it should be done and done well – I’m personally on board with you.
2. I feel that you value, acknowledge and honor what I have to contribute, and I have no doubt that if given the opportunity, you will sing my praises loudly to those who matter.
3. I see a personal benefit to participating. It doesn’t necessarily have to be immediate and tangible. But if I can learn something valuable, or get to work with someone I respect, or even use this work on my resume for ongoing career growth, I’m in.
When I am NOT willing to help you:
1. I think this is your personal agenda and not necessarily good for anyone else or the company. Or, I sense that you are in conflict with someone else I respect, and I worry that helping you would put me in a difficult situation.
2. I think you are self-involved, and will use my hard work for your own gain, without crediting me for my contribution, or even appreciating what goes into what I do for you. If this is the case, I will only cooperate with you when I absolutely have to – and I will do the minimum possible.
3. I really like you and want to help you, but I am so overwhelmed with everything I have to do that I have to prioritize. There are other things that I will get into bigger trouble for not doing, and no matter how much I like you, I’m not willing to risk my job for you. While this situation requires an honest discussion with all available managers on resource allocation, if you seem seriously concerned and willing to do whatever you can to support me, I will still put you higher on the list than those who I’m not as personally connected with.
Once you’ve had a chance to consider how it would feel to be on the receiving end of a request to cooperate, here are some tips to help you more effectively get what you need from others:
1. Make sure that everyone who is contributing to your project clearly understands the purpose of the project, how it fits in with organizational goals, and what your personal agenda is related to the project. If you are hoping to get personal recognition, don’t hide this part of your motivation. People will trust you if you are up front, and it also gives them permission to expect personal recognition for their successes.
2. Make sure you always acknowledge everyone who goes out of their way to help you, and do it publicly, specifically and sincerely. Whenever you are speaking or presenting, make sure to share the positive contributions of others, whether they are present at the meeting or not. Also, send a thank you e-mail that not only acknowledges what was done but shares the value to the company and copies the person’s boss. This gift will be printed out and used many times! It doesn’t have to be contrived to be effective. Here is an example:
“Dear Kathy, I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to dig up those statistics for me the other day. I used them in my presentation to over 50 potential customers Tuesday, and they are exactly what we needed to make a strong impact. I know you have a lot on your plate, and I appreciate your support. – K”
3. Take the time to understand the priorities and workload of everyone you need support from. Don’t just say, “I know you have a lot on your plate”, when you have no real idea what they have on their plate. Make an effort to find out what they have to do. Then make your request as easy to comply with as possible. For example, if you need information, some employees will spend 90% of their time formatting it nicely for you because they think their presentation to you is a reflection of them. If they are busy and you don’t need them to do the formatting, you can request an e-mail with five quick bullets, or a list of the top 10 hyperlinks, or just the raw spreadsheet data. You may also discover other ways to make their job easier, or ways to get the information you need in the future without taking as much of their time.
When you look at who gets the most cooperation in organizations, it’s not necessarily the “bosses”. Most people want to feel respected, valued, and part of something positive. You can generate this in everyone you work with. Give respect by making an effort to understand what life is like in their shoes. Give value by consistently showing them how their work positively impacts the company. Give contribution by helping people clearly see the vision and their role in it. These are leadership skills, but you don’t need traditional power to become a true leader. You emerge as a leader by building the skills and using them consistently.
One of the biggest frustrations in a busy work environment is having to depend on other people to get your work done. This can really drive you nuts if your personal reputation, performance review, and future at the company depends on getting results, and those results depend on others.
How can you get people to give you what you need to succeed? Especially if they are overworked, and you are not the boss? Some of the most common ways of handling this simply don’t work anymore:
1. You could send out several requests for help, document the e-mail trail, and not complete your project on time. You could show the evidence to your boss when asked. The problem with this method is that the company needs the project done in order to succeed, and whether or not they understand that you tried, they are still faced with the fact that they don’t have the results they need.
2. You could complain about the person’s lack of cooperation to their boss. However, in doing so, you’ve made them look bad, and while they may comply with your requests in the future so as not to get in trouble, they will not trust you, and may try to get by on giving you the minimum possible. This reduces your ability to put out your best work.
3. You could go talk to the person, and your success depends quite a bit on how you approach the situation. If your frustration and stress have already gotten the better of you, you may end up with less cooperation than when you started. However, if you approach the situation well, you will not only get cooperation, you will have created a long-term ally, and this insures success not only on this project, but many to come.
When thinking about the “right” approach, it often helps to put yourself in the shoes of your target, and imagine times when others have approached you for help. Stop reading for a minute and just do a quick exercise. Remember a time when someone approached you for help and you were more than willing to go beyond the call of duty to chip in, whether or not it was part of your regular tasks. Also remember a time when someone approached you for help and you just wanted them to go away. You did everything you could to get out of it. Write notes to yourself on what the situations were and what your reaction was based on.
What insights do you get from reading your results?
I did this exercise as well, and here’s what I came up with:
When I would be more than willing to go out of my way to help you:
1. I believe in your agenda, goal or purpose. Whatever you are trying to accomplish makes sense to me, and I think it should be done and done well – I’m personally on board with you.
2. I feel that you value, acknowledge and honor what I have to contribute, and I have no doubt that if given the opportunity, you will sing my praises loudly to those who matter.
3. I see a personal benefit to participating. It doesn’t necessarily have to be immediate and tangible. But if I can learn something valuable, or get to work with someone I respect, or even use this work on my resume for ongoing career growth, I’m in.
When I am NOT willing to help you:
1. I think this is your personal agenda and not necessarily good for anyone else or the company. Or, I sense that you are in conflict with someone else I respect, and I worry that helping you would put me in a difficult situation.
2. I think you are self-involved, and will use my hard work for your own gain, without crediting me for my contribution, or even appreciating what goes into what I do for you. If this is the case, I will only cooperate with you when I absolutely have to – and I will do the minimum possible.
3. I really like you and want to help you, but I am so overwhelmed with everything I have to do that I have to prioritize. There are other things that I will get into bigger trouble for not doing, and no matter how much I like you, I’m not willing to risk my job for you. While this situation requires an honest discussion with all available managers on resource allocation, if you seem seriously concerned and willing to do whatever you can to support me, I will still put you higher on the list than those who I’m not as personally connected with.
Once you’ve had a chance to consider how it would feel to be on the receiving end of a request to cooperate, here are some tips to help you more effectively get what you need from others:
1. Make sure that everyone who is contributing to your project clearly understands the purpose of the project, how it fits in with organizational goals, and what your personal agenda is related to the project. If you are hoping to get personal recognition, don’t hide this part of your motivation. People will trust you if you are up front, and it also gives them permission to expect personal recognition for their successes.
2. Make sure you always acknowledge everyone who goes out of their way to help you, and do it publicly, specifically and sincerely. Whenever you are speaking or presenting, make sure to share the positive contributions of others, whether they are present at the meeting or not. Also, send a thank you e-mail that not only acknowledges what was done but shares the value to the company and copies the person’s boss. This gift will be printed out and used many times! It doesn’t have to be contrived to be effective. Here is an example:
“Dear Kathy, I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to dig up those statistics for me the other day. I used them in my presentation to over 50 potential customers Tuesday, and they are exactly what we needed to make a strong impact. I know you have a lot on your plate, and I appreciate your support. – K”
3. Take the time to understand the priorities and workload of everyone you need support from. Don’t just say, “I know you have a lot on your plate”, when you have no real idea what they have on their plate. Make an effort to find out what they have to do. Then make your request as easy to comply with as possible. For example, if you need information, some employees will spend 90% of their time formatting it nicely for you because they think their presentation to you is a reflection of them. If they are busy and you don’t need them to do the formatting, you can request an e-mail with five quick bullets, or a list of the top 10 hyperlinks, or just the raw spreadsheet data. You may also discover other ways to make their job easier, or ways to get the information you need in the future without taking as much of their time.
When you look at who gets the most cooperation in organizations, it’s not necessarily the “bosses”. Most people want to feel respected, valued, and part of something positive. You can generate this in everyone you work with. Give respect by making an effort to understand what life is like in their shoes. Give value by consistently showing them how their work positively impacts the company. Give contribution by helping people clearly see the vision and their role in it. These are leadership skills, but you don’t need traditional power to become a true leader. You emerge as a leader by building the skills and using them consistently.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Are you Giving Away your Power?
Tax season is one of those interesting times when it’s easy to get into “victim thinking” about money. You are faced with how much you made the prior year, and how much you owe the government. If you are happy with what you made, it’s easy to resent the government for how much you owe. If you don’t owe anything, you probably aren’t earning as much as you want. I noticed myself feeling all sorts of grumpy thoughts as I went through my taxes this year, but luckily I caught myself and noticed that I could just as easily have very positive thoughts related to any tax experience. If I am happy with my income and I owe a lot, I can acknowledge the power I have in earning more than I need, and if I had a tough year but don’t owe taxes, I can be filled with gratitude at the break I get when I need it.
This isn’t just about coming up with positive thoughts so you can have a better attitude. It’s about the impact your thoughts have on your ability to create what you want in this world. When I think that I work so hard just to have the government take everything, I feel drained, angry, and not particularly motivated to continue to work hard. When I think about how cool it is to own my own business and earn whatever I want, I feel powerful and motivated to create more good things for myself and others. How will I behave differently based on these different thinking patterns and feelings? And what are the likely outcomes?
Most of us don’t even realize when we’ve slipped into victim thinking. It wouldn’t be so bad if it just caused us to wallow in anger and self-pity for a few hours. The problem is, victim thinking becomes a habit. Like a drug, it decreases our ability to be effective and impairs our judgment at the same time. It may even be soothing to feel mad, or resentful, or self-righteous, and without realizing it, we get lulled into powerlessness.
How do you know if you are giving away your power? Here is a short sample of some common self-limiting thought patterns. When you notice yourself falling into one of these thinking patterns, you can begin to reverse the effects by simply asking yourself: “By thinking this way, am I giving my power away?”
1. I can’t afford it
Usually the phrase “I can’t afford it” is an easy way to justify a choice not to purchase something. Unfortunately, if you say it enough, you begin to believe that you don’t have the power to make buying decisions. It is much more empowering to say “This is not an investment I’m willing to make right now”, and if you need an excuse you can add: “I’m saving for something really important”.
2. It’s not fair
There’s a good chance you don’t use this exact phrase anymore, but if you notice yourself wondering why a certain person seems to get more back (has an easier life, makes more money, gets all the girls) when you put more out (have a better education, work harder, work out more), you are essentially claiming that life is not fair, and you’ve got the short end of the stick. Negative self-comparison (noticing people who have it better than you) is one of three main thought patterns that lead to depression. If you look, you might notice that you can find just as many people in the world who have it worse than you. When you replace “It’s not fair” with “I’m so lucky”, it’s amazing how fast your energy level increases.
3. I don’t have time
Everyone has the same amount of time, and everyone chooses what to do with their time. We tend to use “I don’t have time” as an excuse to avoid things we don’t want to do. When you don’t have time to do the things you really want to do for yourself, it’s usually because you are filling your time with things other people have asked you to do, and you haven’t found a way to say no. Here’s a link to an article I wrote – “How to Say No with Class” – it might help you take your time back.
4. They aren’t doing what they should be doing (It’s not my job)
Usually this means you have decided that “management” or some other group or person has the power to run some aspect of your life. If it bugs you, and you don’t take an honest look at what you can do to influence the situation, you’ve given your power away. Ask yourself, “What part of this situation can I control or influence?” Then, “Do I want to do what it will take to exert that control or influence?” It’s much more honest and powerful to say, “I don’t like the way management runs this company, and I don’t have the energy or interest to lobby for change. I also don’t have the energy to look for a different job right now, so I am not going to do anything about it”
Claiming your power in any situation makes a huge difference in your ability to turn your situation around. This doesn’t mean blaming yourself for the negative things that happen to you, but it does mean taking responsibility for how you respond and the choices you make.
I actually believed that I never thought like a victim, so my little tax tantrum was a wake-up call. We all slip into self-defeating patterns sometimes. I don’t think the goal is to completely eliminate them. But it’s good to develop a strong level of self-awareness, so that you don’t give away your power when you most need it.
Tax season is one of those interesting times when it’s easy to get into “victim thinking” about money. You are faced with how much you made the prior year, and how much you owe the government. If you are happy with what you made, it’s easy to resent the government for how much you owe. If you don’t owe anything, you probably aren’t earning as much as you want. I noticed myself feeling all sorts of grumpy thoughts as I went through my taxes this year, but luckily I caught myself and noticed that I could just as easily have very positive thoughts related to any tax experience. If I am happy with my income and I owe a lot, I can acknowledge the power I have in earning more than I need, and if I had a tough year but don’t owe taxes, I can be filled with gratitude at the break I get when I need it.
This isn’t just about coming up with positive thoughts so you can have a better attitude. It’s about the impact your thoughts have on your ability to create what you want in this world. When I think that I work so hard just to have the government take everything, I feel drained, angry, and not particularly motivated to continue to work hard. When I think about how cool it is to own my own business and earn whatever I want, I feel powerful and motivated to create more good things for myself and others. How will I behave differently based on these different thinking patterns and feelings? And what are the likely outcomes?
Most of us don’t even realize when we’ve slipped into victim thinking. It wouldn’t be so bad if it just caused us to wallow in anger and self-pity for a few hours. The problem is, victim thinking becomes a habit. Like a drug, it decreases our ability to be effective and impairs our judgment at the same time. It may even be soothing to feel mad, or resentful, or self-righteous, and without realizing it, we get lulled into powerlessness.
How do you know if you are giving away your power? Here is a short sample of some common self-limiting thought patterns. When you notice yourself falling into one of these thinking patterns, you can begin to reverse the effects by simply asking yourself: “By thinking this way, am I giving my power away?”
1. I can’t afford it
Usually the phrase “I can’t afford it” is an easy way to justify a choice not to purchase something. Unfortunately, if you say it enough, you begin to believe that you don’t have the power to make buying decisions. It is much more empowering to say “This is not an investment I’m willing to make right now”, and if you need an excuse you can add: “I’m saving for something really important”.
2. It’s not fair
There’s a good chance you don’t use this exact phrase anymore, but if you notice yourself wondering why a certain person seems to get more back (has an easier life, makes more money, gets all the girls) when you put more out (have a better education, work harder, work out more), you are essentially claiming that life is not fair, and you’ve got the short end of the stick. Negative self-comparison (noticing people who have it better than you) is one of three main thought patterns that lead to depression. If you look, you might notice that you can find just as many people in the world who have it worse than you. When you replace “It’s not fair” with “I’m so lucky”, it’s amazing how fast your energy level increases.
3. I don’t have time
Everyone has the same amount of time, and everyone chooses what to do with their time. We tend to use “I don’t have time” as an excuse to avoid things we don’t want to do. When you don’t have time to do the things you really want to do for yourself, it’s usually because you are filling your time with things other people have asked you to do, and you haven’t found a way to say no. Here’s a link to an article I wrote – “How to Say No with Class” – it might help you take your time back.
4. They aren’t doing what they should be doing (It’s not my job)
Usually this means you have decided that “management” or some other group or person has the power to run some aspect of your life. If it bugs you, and you don’t take an honest look at what you can do to influence the situation, you’ve given your power away. Ask yourself, “What part of this situation can I control or influence?” Then, “Do I want to do what it will take to exert that control or influence?” It’s much more honest and powerful to say, “I don’t like the way management runs this company, and I don’t have the energy or interest to lobby for change. I also don’t have the energy to look for a different job right now, so I am not going to do anything about it”
Claiming your power in any situation makes a huge difference in your ability to turn your situation around. This doesn’t mean blaming yourself for the negative things that happen to you, but it does mean taking responsibility for how you respond and the choices you make.
I actually believed that I never thought like a victim, so my little tax tantrum was a wake-up call. We all slip into self-defeating patterns sometimes. I don’t think the goal is to completely eliminate them. But it’s good to develop a strong level of self-awareness, so that you don’t give away your power when you most need it.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Energy and Success
There's a virus going around this season that produces mild cold symptoms along with severe energy drain and exhaustion. I just found this out from a client of mine who happens to be a nurse, and I can't tell you what a relief it is to have an explanation for how completely tired and unmotivated I've been this week. Sure, I have a cold, but it still feels a little wimpy to lay around in bed all day with minor systems. I decided since I haven't been sick in a long time, I must have lost the ability to "handle" even a minor cold.
Why am I sharing this story? Because it's a perfect example of how we discount the important role our energy level plays in our ability to be productive, motivated, and successful. Everything in and around you either gives you energy or drains your energy. If you have too many things draining your energy, you won't be anywhere near as motivated or productive as you can be, and you'll be more likely to procrastinate or otherwise "sabotage" your success.
The funny thing is, most action plans don't account for your energy level. When we write a plan of action, we assume we will be at a high level of energy during the entire execution cycle, and that's a set up for failure. A great example is an exercise plan. I might plan to walk on the treadmill 20 minutes a day and work may way up to running 45 minutes per day. After my first week I'm already up to 40 minutes per day and I'm feeling great! Somewhere mid-week two I don't feel like doing it and I figure a day off won't hurt. That runs into two days and when I get back on the treadmill on the third day it's REALLY hard to walk even 20 minutes. And so it goes. If I keep working at it, I might find that by week four I'm easily doing 40 minutes again. But even in later weeks what I'm capable of varies. It's not only affected by my mental motivation (my goal) and my physical capacity (how in shape I am). There's another factor that plays into what I achieve: my energy level.
Energy level isn't only affected by physical factors like colds, nutrition, or sleep. Your thoughts and environment also play a major role. Do you ever look at clutter in your office and notice a physical drain as a result? Do you avoid conversations with certain people because they take so much out of you? Has "just the thought" of a looming deadline ever made you feel like taking a nap? On the other side of the equation, do you ever notice how much more you can achieve when working with people who energize you?
If you pay close attention to where you get energy and what drains you, two important things happen. The first is that you can "stop the drain". Half the time we don't even recognize how many "holes" are in the dike. When you see them you find you can easily plug many of them up. The second thing that happens is that you can get better control of your motivation and productivity. If you realize you are low on energy, you can set lower expectations and take smaller steps towards your goals. When you are higher on energy, you can take advantage of that time and push forward.
We have an exercise in the coaching world we call "What are you tolerating?". The goal of the exercise is to come up with a very long list of everything you can think of that drains your energy. The things on the list can be anything, from a situation in your life, to extra weight, broken things in your house, a relationship, a pattern of thinking, anything that triggers a slight drain. Once you have everything on the list, you'll almost immediately see ways to lessen the drain. If you are up for the exercise, please do it, and feel free to share your "tolerations" list in the comments section, along with what you did after writing it, and how it impacted your energy. I'd love to hear!
Monday, February 11, 2008
Can you Love a Loser?
This may seem like a silly question, but in it lies one of the most critical secrets to success, both personally and professionally. So play with me for a minute.
Who jumps into your mind when you think of a loser?
If you feel a twinge of guilt and find yourself trying to shove those unkind thoughts from your mind, bring them back! Your thoughts wont hurt anyone, but not being aware of your own judgments will definitely hurt you! Plus, having some examples in your head as you read the rest of this article will help you apply it.
It’s important to be aware of what behaviors or characteristics point you to the label “loser”. Take out a piece of paper and jot down the top three to five characteristics your losers have in common – the ones that put them in that category for you.
Just for fun and personal insight, write the opposite of all of these traits and consider whether or not they are a reflection of your top values. For example, if you put “doesn’t take care of self”, does “caring for self” rank high on your list of desirable attributes?
Now, I want you to think about loving your losers. Not in a romantic sense, but actively seeking to understand how they see the world. What do they wake up hoping for and wondering? What do they think about and struggle with throughout the day? What causes them pain, and how do they try to get their needs met? What do they stand for?
When I ask you if you can love your losers, I don’t mean tolerate. And I don’t mean pity or have compassion for. What I’m asking is would you stand up for them, could you believe in them, could you accept the life they have created for themselves and actually see something intriguing, interesting, or enjoyable in it?
Be honest, and pay attention to your answer!
It provides the key to reaching YOUR highest potential. Why? Because what you are extending outwards is usually about as much as what you are extending inwards. Everyone you interact with is a mirror – what you see in them exists in you as well.
The losers of the world are your greatest gifts, because they show you the parts of yourself you haven’t yet accepted and embraced.
You have probably have heard that believing in yourself is one of the most important keys to success. You may have also heard that confidence and self-esteem come from unconditional self-acceptance. Most people agree with the concept in theory, but living it is another story.
I think the biggest fear people have is the idea that if they accept a negative characteristic inside themselves it means they are condoning it. I don’t think self-love is about that at all. I think it’s about seeing the value in the “negative” parts of yourself, and using ALL of yourself to create what you want instead of relying ONLY on the positive traits.
My husband is into golf, so I find myself watching Tiger Woods and Phil Michelson play a lot. They are the greatest players today, and you know what I notice? How many times they fail. I so admire that they can get up there and fail in front of the world over and over again, yet stay focused and keep going after wins. THAT’s what makes them the best. Look at any sport and you’ll see the same pattern.
In life, these patterns show up as well:
· Are the most responsible people really responsible all the time? Or are they the ones who don’t let their irresponsible moments get the better of them?
· Are the kindest people incapable of being hurtful? Or do they consistently work to be aware of how they impact others, and take responsibility for the times they are hurtful?
· Do the most successful business people always win, or are they the ones who have failed enough so they know how to turn things around?
· In sales, who has survived more rejection, the star sales people or the average ones?
· Are the smartest kids really smart all the time, or are they simply more intrigued and curious about the stuff they don’t yet understand?
Part of what holds us back from success is fear of failure, and even deeper than that, fear of BEING a loser.
If your fear of being a loser disappeared, what would be different for you? And how would that impact your life?
Think about it – can you love a loser?
Copyright ©2008, Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre
This may seem like a silly question, but in it lies one of the most critical secrets to success, both personally and professionally. So play with me for a minute.
Who jumps into your mind when you think of a loser?
If you feel a twinge of guilt and find yourself trying to shove those unkind thoughts from your mind, bring them back! Your thoughts wont hurt anyone, but not being aware of your own judgments will definitely hurt you! Plus, having some examples in your head as you read the rest of this article will help you apply it.
It’s important to be aware of what behaviors or characteristics point you to the label “loser”. Take out a piece of paper and jot down the top three to five characteristics your losers have in common – the ones that put them in that category for you.
Just for fun and personal insight, write the opposite of all of these traits and consider whether or not they are a reflection of your top values. For example, if you put “doesn’t take care of self”, does “caring for self” rank high on your list of desirable attributes?
Now, I want you to think about loving your losers. Not in a romantic sense, but actively seeking to understand how they see the world. What do they wake up hoping for and wondering? What do they think about and struggle with throughout the day? What causes them pain, and how do they try to get their needs met? What do they stand for?
When I ask you if you can love your losers, I don’t mean tolerate. And I don’t mean pity or have compassion for. What I’m asking is would you stand up for them, could you believe in them, could you accept the life they have created for themselves and actually see something intriguing, interesting, or enjoyable in it?
Be honest, and pay attention to your answer!
It provides the key to reaching YOUR highest potential. Why? Because what you are extending outwards is usually about as much as what you are extending inwards. Everyone you interact with is a mirror – what you see in them exists in you as well.
The losers of the world are your greatest gifts, because they show you the parts of yourself you haven’t yet accepted and embraced.
You have probably have heard that believing in yourself is one of the most important keys to success. You may have also heard that confidence and self-esteem come from unconditional self-acceptance. Most people agree with the concept in theory, but living it is another story.
I think the biggest fear people have is the idea that if they accept a negative characteristic inside themselves it means they are condoning it. I don’t think self-love is about that at all. I think it’s about seeing the value in the “negative” parts of yourself, and using ALL of yourself to create what you want instead of relying ONLY on the positive traits.
My husband is into golf, so I find myself watching Tiger Woods and Phil Michelson play a lot. They are the greatest players today, and you know what I notice? How many times they fail. I so admire that they can get up there and fail in front of the world over and over again, yet stay focused and keep going after wins. THAT’s what makes them the best. Look at any sport and you’ll see the same pattern.
In life, these patterns show up as well:
· Are the most responsible people really responsible all the time? Or are they the ones who don’t let their irresponsible moments get the better of them?
· Are the kindest people incapable of being hurtful? Or do they consistently work to be aware of how they impact others, and take responsibility for the times they are hurtful?
· Do the most successful business people always win, or are they the ones who have failed enough so they know how to turn things around?
· In sales, who has survived more rejection, the star sales people or the average ones?
· Are the smartest kids really smart all the time, or are they simply more intrigued and curious about the stuff they don’t yet understand?
Part of what holds us back from success is fear of failure, and even deeper than that, fear of BEING a loser.
If your fear of being a loser disappeared, what would be different for you? And how would that impact your life?
Think about it – can you love a loser?
Copyright ©2008, Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre
Friday, January 18, 2008
Our Endless Struggle with Time
All my clients struggle with time to some degree. At one end of the spectrum are those who work 18 to 20 hours per day and still can’t keep up with everything on their plates. They are exhausted, they don’t have time to spend on what they love, and they barely have time to talk with me. At the other end of the spectrum are those who have balanced their life, but still worry about protecting what they have achieved, as there are always opportunities to get lured into new commitments.
The time struggle goes deeper than balancing your “to do” list with hours in the day. Americans are addicted to productivity, and sometimes we get our identity from how much we are able to get done in a given time frame. Have you ever had one of those super-productive days and felt a “high” afterwards from the pride in how much you accomplished?
Then there’s the whole problem with everything you do stretching into the available time. You might remove things from your to do list, only to find that you still don’t seem to have time to get everything done.
I did a time management seminar at a client facility recently, and one of the key things we focused on are what I like to call “the underneath issues”. These are the underlying emotional things that prevent you from feeling comfortable in a “non-busy” state. Here are just a few:
1. Trust: If you worry that something catastrophic will happen if everything isn’t handled, then you will constantly fill your plate monitoring everything within your conscious reach that may go wrong. Even if you get more efficient, your empty time will be filled worrying, and you will create new things to worry about.
2. Identity: If your sense of self is attached to how much you can accomplish in a day, then you will constantly be driven to add as much as you can squeeze into the available spaces. It seems silly, lazy, or unproductive to allow yourself empty time, so if you find that you have 15 extra minutes, you will be compelled to squeeze something else in.
3. Connection: If you have a strong desire to have positive relationships with other people, you may have a difficult time saying no to invitations and requests for your time. You may also have a hard time closing down your e-mail or turning off instant messenger, as you wait to hear from people you care about.
It’s not just internal issues that keep us busy. Productivity, hard work, speed and efficiency are among the most important values in business today. And with the influx of technology into our social lives, we have several times as many opportunities to get involved in community activities. No matter how committed you are to living a peaceful life, the world around you will continue to buzz with activity and invite you “out”.
The bottom line is that changing your “time situation” involves more than learning new time management techniques. It requires you to examine your underlying values, and pay attention to how NOT having enough time serves you. Only when you can pinpoint what compels you to stay busy or overwhelmed can you rise above your frustration and make significant decisions that will change your life.
Copyright ©2008 Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre, www.aspyrre.com
All my clients struggle with time to some degree. At one end of the spectrum are those who work 18 to 20 hours per day and still can’t keep up with everything on their plates. They are exhausted, they don’t have time to spend on what they love, and they barely have time to talk with me. At the other end of the spectrum are those who have balanced their life, but still worry about protecting what they have achieved, as there are always opportunities to get lured into new commitments.
The time struggle goes deeper than balancing your “to do” list with hours in the day. Americans are addicted to productivity, and sometimes we get our identity from how much we are able to get done in a given time frame. Have you ever had one of those super-productive days and felt a “high” afterwards from the pride in how much you accomplished?
Then there’s the whole problem with everything you do stretching into the available time. You might remove things from your to do list, only to find that you still don’t seem to have time to get everything done.
I did a time management seminar at a client facility recently, and one of the key things we focused on are what I like to call “the underneath issues”. These are the underlying emotional things that prevent you from feeling comfortable in a “non-busy” state. Here are just a few:
1. Trust: If you worry that something catastrophic will happen if everything isn’t handled, then you will constantly fill your plate monitoring everything within your conscious reach that may go wrong. Even if you get more efficient, your empty time will be filled worrying, and you will create new things to worry about.
2. Identity: If your sense of self is attached to how much you can accomplish in a day, then you will constantly be driven to add as much as you can squeeze into the available spaces. It seems silly, lazy, or unproductive to allow yourself empty time, so if you find that you have 15 extra minutes, you will be compelled to squeeze something else in.
3. Connection: If you have a strong desire to have positive relationships with other people, you may have a difficult time saying no to invitations and requests for your time. You may also have a hard time closing down your e-mail or turning off instant messenger, as you wait to hear from people you care about.
It’s not just internal issues that keep us busy. Productivity, hard work, speed and efficiency are among the most important values in business today. And with the influx of technology into our social lives, we have several times as many opportunities to get involved in community activities. No matter how committed you are to living a peaceful life, the world around you will continue to buzz with activity and invite you “out”.
The bottom line is that changing your “time situation” involves more than learning new time management techniques. It requires you to examine your underlying values, and pay attention to how NOT having enough time serves you. Only when you can pinpoint what compels you to stay busy or overwhelmed can you rise above your frustration and make significant decisions that will change your life.
Copyright ©2008 Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre, www.aspyrre.com
Monday, January 07, 2008
The Perfect New Year’s Resolution
This year, I made the perfect New Year’s resolution. I knew it was perfect as soon as I chose it, and as a coach, I immediately wondered if there was a way to explain what I did, so others can also make “perfect” resolutions. It’s almost easier to explain what not to do, so I’ll start with that.
A perfect resolution is NOT a goal that requires more energy than you have to achieve it.
Most people pick the hardest thing they can think of, the one thing they struggle the most with: losing weight, quitting smoking, making loads of money, finding that perfect relationship or job, and make THAT their resolution. But just the thought of doing what it will take to succeed is draining. Some people muster up a whole bunch of will power and make some progress. Others peter out before they get started.
When I considered my “goals” for the year: exercising more, eating healthier, spending more time with family, getting more organized, taking my business to the next level…. just writing the list felt draining and made me want to stay “on vacation” longer.
However, when I started thinking about how I wanted to live differently in 2008, I uncovered deeper, more important things. I asked myself how I was living my life when I was organized, in tune with my family, and being the person I wanted to be, compared to how I was living my life when I was disorganized, distracted, and not as successful? I noticed a distinct pattern. On my “bad” days I was beating myself up, feeling ashamed of the things that weren’t working, and putting pressure on myself to do more and do better. The pressure drained my energy though, so I was actually doing less, and feeling worse! On my “good” days, I wasn’t paying much attention to how well I was doing, I was just doing. My mental state was more present and focused, and my emotional state was a combination of authenticity and humility.
I decided that in 2008 I want to spend more time feeling present, focused, authentic, and humble, and less time feeling pressured, anxious, ashamed, and frustrated. My “perfect” resolution was to stop the internal pressure. For me, it means that when I notice I’m not living up to whatever external standard I set for myself, to give myself the benefit of the doubt instead of allowing an inner tirade of negative self talk.
Why is this resolution perfect?
1. It doesn’t drain my energy – it excites me! Imagine living life and not feeling negative internal pressure!
2. It’s a resolution because it will require my constant attention until it becomes a habit. I have to consciously remind myself that it’s ok to take a nap or leave the dishes or not send out cards this year. Otherwise I’ll automatically fall back into the negative pressure pattern.
3. It’s in-line with my values and allows me to achieve my goals. When I don’t put pressure on myself, I’m honoring the person I really am, which reflects my values of integrity and authenticity. When I don’t put pressure on myself, I have more energy, which I naturally apply to achieving my goals. This past week I spent lots of time exercising, organizing, and “being” with my family, and it felt natural.
If I am able to keep this resolution, I’ll not only get to live a more enjoyable life, I’ll also have a much easier time achieving ALL of those other goals on my list. So it’s enjoyable and productive at the same time! Perfect!
Your “perfect” resolution will probably be different from mine, but the steps you take to discover it can be the same:
1. Ask yourself how you lived in 2007 and what you would change?
2. Compare the times you were living the way you wanted to live with the times you weren’t. Or, compare your “good times” with your “bad times”. See if you notice any patterns.
3. Think about what parts of the patterns you control. For example, you can’t control the things that happen to you, but you might be able to control how you think about them or how you handle them.
4. Ask yourself, is there anything about how you thought about things or handled things in 2007 that worked especially well? Is this something you could increase in 2008?
5. If you did, how would your life change in 2008? Would the changes excite you? Would it be worth the heightened awareness and conscious effort it would take to make the change?
If so, you may have stumbled on your “perfect resolution”!
So far, I’m truly enjoying my resolution. The trick is to stay aware and conscious of it, even after the novelty of the New Year passes. Keep me posted on what you decide, and how it changes your life – I’d love to hear!
Copyright © January 2008, Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre,www.aspyrre.com (949) 495-1021
This year, I made the perfect New Year’s resolution. I knew it was perfect as soon as I chose it, and as a coach, I immediately wondered if there was a way to explain what I did, so others can also make “perfect” resolutions. It’s almost easier to explain what not to do, so I’ll start with that.
A perfect resolution is NOT a goal that requires more energy than you have to achieve it.
Most people pick the hardest thing they can think of, the one thing they struggle the most with: losing weight, quitting smoking, making loads of money, finding that perfect relationship or job, and make THAT their resolution. But just the thought of doing what it will take to succeed is draining. Some people muster up a whole bunch of will power and make some progress. Others peter out before they get started.
When I considered my “goals” for the year: exercising more, eating healthier, spending more time with family, getting more organized, taking my business to the next level…. just writing the list felt draining and made me want to stay “on vacation” longer.
However, when I started thinking about how I wanted to live differently in 2008, I uncovered deeper, more important things. I asked myself how I was living my life when I was organized, in tune with my family, and being the person I wanted to be, compared to how I was living my life when I was disorganized, distracted, and not as successful? I noticed a distinct pattern. On my “bad” days I was beating myself up, feeling ashamed of the things that weren’t working, and putting pressure on myself to do more and do better. The pressure drained my energy though, so I was actually doing less, and feeling worse! On my “good” days, I wasn’t paying much attention to how well I was doing, I was just doing. My mental state was more present and focused, and my emotional state was a combination of authenticity and humility.
I decided that in 2008 I want to spend more time feeling present, focused, authentic, and humble, and less time feeling pressured, anxious, ashamed, and frustrated. My “perfect” resolution was to stop the internal pressure. For me, it means that when I notice I’m not living up to whatever external standard I set for myself, to give myself the benefit of the doubt instead of allowing an inner tirade of negative self talk.
Why is this resolution perfect?
1. It doesn’t drain my energy – it excites me! Imagine living life and not feeling negative internal pressure!
2. It’s a resolution because it will require my constant attention until it becomes a habit. I have to consciously remind myself that it’s ok to take a nap or leave the dishes or not send out cards this year. Otherwise I’ll automatically fall back into the negative pressure pattern.
3. It’s in-line with my values and allows me to achieve my goals. When I don’t put pressure on myself, I’m honoring the person I really am, which reflects my values of integrity and authenticity. When I don’t put pressure on myself, I have more energy, which I naturally apply to achieving my goals. This past week I spent lots of time exercising, organizing, and “being” with my family, and it felt natural.
If I am able to keep this resolution, I’ll not only get to live a more enjoyable life, I’ll also have a much easier time achieving ALL of those other goals on my list. So it’s enjoyable and productive at the same time! Perfect!
Your “perfect” resolution will probably be different from mine, but the steps you take to discover it can be the same:
1. Ask yourself how you lived in 2007 and what you would change?
2. Compare the times you were living the way you wanted to live with the times you weren’t. Or, compare your “good times” with your “bad times”. See if you notice any patterns.
3. Think about what parts of the patterns you control. For example, you can’t control the things that happen to you, but you might be able to control how you think about them or how you handle them.
4. Ask yourself, is there anything about how you thought about things or handled things in 2007 that worked especially well? Is this something you could increase in 2008?
5. If you did, how would your life change in 2008? Would the changes excite you? Would it be worth the heightened awareness and conscious effort it would take to make the change?
If so, you may have stumbled on your “perfect resolution”!
So far, I’m truly enjoying my resolution. The trick is to stay aware and conscious of it, even after the novelty of the New Year passes. Keep me posted on what you decide, and how it changes your life – I’d love to hear!
Copyright © January 2008, Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre,
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