The Art of Inspiration

I love being inspired. It’s one of the greatest feelings I know – and it’s also a productive feeling, because it leads to positive action.

What I’ve noticed about inspiration is that it doesn’t happen often, and when it does, it’s usually triggered by those few charismatic speakers and phenomenal leaders who are able to infuse a profound message into a group of people, and they in turn absorb it into their culture.

At the international ICF conference this month, I closely watched the speakers who most inspired me, and it was something more than charisma that I connected to. It seemed that each of these people had the willingness to share their truth, even if it might be controversial. They had stepped forth to make a contribution based on their convictions, but they were also humble and human and honest, which allowed the audience to identify with them. And, they each offered a path to share in the contribution. They opened the door, so we could also feel the possibility of making a difference. I’m not sure if this describes the “equation” of inspiration or not – but it’s what I noticed, and I also notice these elements in coaching and in effective leadership.

As coaches, we relentlessly challenge our clients to face, share, and stand for their truth, even when it isn’t popular. We encourage our clients to live life according to their values, follow their dreams, and design lives of fulfillment and contribution. And, we open the door of possibility by witnessing and holding them accountable to their vision of success. The most powerful leaders mobilize groups around a common vision, and enable individuals in the group to connect their personal identities to making it happen. It enables individuals to become part of something bigger than themselves; it feels good and does good at the same time.

Have you ever wanted to be inspiring? If you are a leader, it can make all the difference in the world, and I don’t think it’s rocket science. I think it’s more about having the courage to be yourself and stand up for what you believe in. Cliché words – easy to say – way more difficult to do. Most of us can’t even see ourselves, and when we do look, we more often than not immediately react by wincing and changing the subject. Being yourself is NOT easy. But it IS powerful.

Think of all the people who have inspired you. I would love to hear your thoughts on inspiration and what is at the source of it. Share a lot on this one, it’s worth a discussion!

Swimming in Confusion

Confusion can be the most frustrating obstacle a person can face, because it completely stops you from moving forward. I actually believe that confusion shows up as more of a "symptom" than a core obstacle, which makes it even more confusing, because it's more difficult to get to the source!

Sometimes I have clients tell me that they are confused, and by the end of the call they feel clear, focused, and excited to take action and move forward. But then when we talk the following week, they are confused again, often about the same issue, and the commitments they made on the prior call seem insignficant or irrelevant.

My initial reaction to confusion is to look at the situation logically, by asking questions that bring the goal and the obstacles to the surface, so we can make a plan that works. However, if, after coming up with a plan, the same questions come up over and over again - it's a waste of time to look for a logical solution to the obvious question. It's time to go deeper, and find out what's "behind" the confusion.

Here are some things I've discovered behind confusion:

1. Fear of acknowledging that we really want something and we might not have what it takes to make it happen. I think this is why career-changers get tongue tied at the question, "so what are you looking for?" They don't want to say, "Well, I really want to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company," and face the "are you out of your mind?" look. So instead of saying that, they say, "well I'm open to anything that gives me experience and opportunity", and get a blank look. I think the way around this one is to accept the fact that you probably DON'T have everything it takes to get what you want, but no matter who you are, you have the same right as everyone else to reach for the stars, and chart out a path to a challenging destination. And, if you choose a direction towards what you really want, the experience you get will be relevant to what you want, and you'll be surprised at how many new opportunities will come up. And also, to avoid the judgmental looks, you can always use the word "eventually". In your mind eventually can mean a few months, but nobody else has to know that.

2. Fear that if we make the wrong decision, we'll miss out on the life we were supposed to live. Every day we miss out on something, whether we acknowledge it or not. There's only one thing we don't miss out on in any given moment, and that is that moment. Would you rather make the most of the moment you are in, or live with continuous regrets over all the imagined moments you are missing? Successful people aren't successful because they make the right decisions; they are successful because they make the most of their situations. Honestly, one life path isn't THAT different from most of the others. And there are SO many paths that lead to the same destination that it's kind of impossible to ruin your chances at anything, even after blowing a few key opportunities.

3. Fear that if we live our lives the way we really want to, we'll be a huge disappointment to those whose opinions we care about. The problem with this one is that we are so caught up in being who we think we should be that we can't see who we really are. It takes courage to let go of other people's opinions, but it IS possible, and as you do, it's amazing how much more clearly you can see yourself and know what you want.

I wrote an article on my website about confusion, and some additional ways to get yourself the clarity you need. Here's the link if you are interested: http://www.aspyrre.com/confusion01.htm

I think if there's one message I'd like to get accross today, it's how lethal confusion can be, and how important it is to find enough clarity to be effective in your life. It's not always easy to figure things out, but it's always worth the effort.

Trust is a Verb

Who can you really trust? It's an interesting question, because it really depends on how you define trust. If your criteria for trust is that a person will never hurt you, let you down, or do something that impacts you negatively, then I think the answer is you can't trust anyone.

In human relationships, the closer we get, the more we open up to each other, and the more comfortable we get exposing our dark side. And part of that dark side includes allowing out some of those immature, reactive behaviors that need to be expressed in a safe place. So, when you think about it, the people who hurt you the most tend to be the people you are closest to.

You could say that your criteria for trusting a person is knowing that you can share the ugliest parts of your dark side and still be loved. But we know that's not necessarily a fail safe policy either. Relationships end and even families separate when the dark side gets too dark.

Trust is a verb. It's a choice to take a chance on someone, and allow them to slip up once in awhile, even if you know you might get hurt. I'm talking about close relationships right now, but this applies everywhere, including at work.

Those controlling micro-managers we all struggle with? Usually that control comes from fear that if they let go, the work will not meet their standards, and it will make them look bad. If they see trust as a privilege, conditional on not making any significant mistakes, they'd continuously prove themselves right. It's simply not possible for the team to produce work that is exactly as the boss has envisionned it. As soon as the boss tries to delegate, and someone makes a mistake, or puts something out that doesn't quite go right, the boss "realizes" that he was right and couldn't trust the team, reacting by jumping in to micro-manage some more.

But if trust is a proactive choice, then a micro-managing boss could change by setting clear standards and choosing to trust the team. That choice is a decision to allow the team to make mistakes, and a willingness to face the consequences if the work produced falls short. That willingness to "take the fall with the team", plants a seed of empowerment, allowing trust to build as the team realizes that now the "buck" stops with all of them. Everyone gets hurt when they don't work together. Eventually it's no longer about the boss, it's about the team, and there is no longer a need to micro-manage.

Trust is not about whether or not you will get hurt, it's about whether or not you have the courage to risk getting hurt, and the humility to forgive in advance the hurts that will ultimately be a part of any strong relationship. It's about accepting that we are all human and we all do our best most of the time. Except when we have no energy left to do our best, and we crash.

Who are you willing to trust?

What do you think will change in your life as a result?

What gets in the way of successful coaching?

Recently, I particpated in a study that attempted to measure the key factors that determine success in an executive coaching engagement. When I compared what I consider to be my “successful” vs “unsuccessful” coaching engagements, I don’t believe the survey enabled me to get to the crux of what I believe made the real difference, but it certainly made me think seriously about the issue.

To me: “Successful” meant that they were able to make significant behavioral changes and become more effective within their organizations at achieving their goals. “Unsuccessful” meant that they were not able to change the behavior patterns that got in the way of their success.

What happened in the successful engagements is that they were emotionally open and ready to change a way of looking at the world that wasn’t serving them anymore, and as a result, they could change the way they interacted in the world. The reason they were able to do this may have had to do with my coaching skills, but there were two additional factors: (1) how “deep” the negative paradigm was ingrained, and (2) how personally threatening it was for them to let go of it.

In successful engagements, the shifts that were required were mostly non-threatening and not too deep, and when they were, the client had a lot of personal courage and trust in me, and they were ready to dig into some of their dirt. Some of this is related to how experienced I am as a coach, because I create the safe and trusting environment, but if they aren’t ready to see things differently, they wont be able to – no matter what I say or do.

In the unsuccessful engagements, most clients were trapped – stuck tight in negative belief patterns they couldn’t break out of. For example:

One client was very talented, but so locked in a power struggle with his boss that as soon as he started succeeding he had to sabotage himself. In this case he would have never succeeded with this boss, but if I’d had more time with him, we might have at least gotten him some clarity and tools to understand what drove the sabotage.

Another two clients were doing very well until they got to a point in their coaching where it got too scary for them and they weren’t ready to go any further. With one, I suggested a 360 and it scared him, because he didn’t want to see the feedback from his team. So he started slowing down and avoiding the sessions. With another, she had a conflict with someone and created a villain story she did not want to let go of. Since conversations with me forced her to take responsibility for her role in this conflict, she went into avoidance mode and ended the sessions.

In the most successful engagements, we either did not run into these brick walls or the client had the courage to face them. So in these cases, success often has more to do with the client’s courage and commitment to going below the surface issue and addressing the real issue than whether or not they show up to sessions. While two of my clients handled their fear by pre-maturely ending the sessions, the others were very committed on the surface but kept dancing around the real issues until they couldn’t anymore.

Where the coach’s experience comes in is here: When I was less experienced, I allowed my clients to lead me around and around in circles above the real issue. Now that I’m more experienced I am able to cut through to what’s more important earlier.

I think what's important about that is that for clients who really aren't ready to make a significant change, they either wont engage at all or we'll hit the brick wall within the first few sessions, and we wont waste time and money dancing around the issue. With clients who are ready, we'll get there faster and we'll struggle earlier, but results will happen faster.

What does this mean if you are considering hiring a coach? Know what you want to change, and be willing to consider different perspectives and new ways of looking at your situations. It may feel uncomfortable up front, but usually every time you make a shift, you feel relief and you realize that what you were clinging to was just causing you pain.

Business Owners - Should you Niche?

When people ask who your target market is, do you find it hard to be specific?

Of course you can serve many different kinds of customers. Your product or service can probably be applied to a variety of situations very effectively, and once you understand the need, in most cases you can create a perfect solution.

I know that. You know that. But that doesn’t grow your business.

If you are like most small business owners, one of the easiest ways for you to grow your business is to build a referral network. And people only refer when they easily see a “match” between someone with a specific problem and another person who provides that exact solution.

If you are willing to declare a niche for yourself, you are allowing other people to categorize you. That means two things: (1) you have to give up all the potential referrals who don’t fit into your category, and (2) you will begin to get a lot more referrals than you’ve ever had before.

I believe that most small business owners never make it to step two because they can’t get past step one. At least I know that’s why I haven’t gotten to step two. However, recently, I had two experiences that enabled me to clearly envision myself moving to step two:

(1) I realized that I am not my business, so it became “OK” to have “a business” that doesn’t necessarily express all of me.
(2) I met someone who categorized me, and this person sends me more referrals than anyone I’ve ever known. I realized all these referrals are a good fit, and I wonder why I didn’t allow myself to be categorized earlier.

I still resist niching, but not because I don’t think it’s a smart and effective thing to do. It’s because I’m having a hard time choosing one thing and letting go of everything else. But sometimes the most powerful lessons in life come as a paradox, requiring you to give up something you are clinging to, in order to allow in something even more abundant than you ever could imagine.

Are you ready to let go and choose?

Scary Conversations

Often, when I talk to clients about very different things, I notice a theme emerging. This week it had to do with avoiding important conversations. It's one thing to read the book "Crucial Conversations" and get excited about how it can change your life. It's quite another to be confronted with a sticky situation at work, and contemplate having a conversation about it. So much can go wrong! What will other people think? What is at stake? Couldn't the consequences of having the conversation be worse than avoiding it?

Unfortunately, the answer is yes and no. The consequences of being defensive or reactive in an important conversation usually aren't positive. BUT the consequences of avoiding a conversation are usually worse. In an ideal scenario, you would have no fear about talking with other people at work, you could talk about anything directly and honestly, and you would also have a knack for being sensitive, compassionate, and positive, even when the topic is controversial.

This isn't a skill you can master overnight, but the good news is that every time you improve a tiny bit, it makes a big difference in your results. Here are a few tips to get you started:

1. Understand the limits of your power. Sometimes we avoid conversations because we think we need to achieve a certain outcome in order to be successful. You can't control other people, so you need to know in advance how you'll handle the situations where you don't get what you want. Once you've figured that out, you can walk into a conversation with less fear, and you have a better chance of achieiving a positive outcome.

2. Understand that people's opinions of you have almost nothing to do with you. Other people respond to how they feel about themselves when they interact with you. If someone lashes out at you, or says something condescending, or mean - it's usually because they feel bad about themselves. While that doesn't excuse their behavior, knowing it's not really about you makes it easier for you to emotionally separate and handle the conversation better.

3. Know that withholding bad news only exacerbates the situation. If people know something's up, but aren't given clear information, what they imagine is usually ten times worse than the truth. When you are up front with people on a consistent basis, you'll find that they trust you, and are willing to work with you when the going gets tough.

Mastering your conversations is one of the most critical skills related to success. Studies have shown that the one skill the most respected leaders share is the ability to communicate effectively in sticky situations.

What conversations are you avoiding? If you were able to have them, and have them well, what would change for you?

What’s Behind Fear of Success?

Sometimes success is maddeningly elusive. You have the desire and the capability of achieving something, but every time you get close, something gets in the way. At some point you may conclude that there’s something deeper going on. Perhaps you have “Fear of Success”?

Whether we name it “Fear of Success”, “Fear of Failure”, or “Self-Sabotage”, it is fairly common to find yourself is a situation where you are blocking your own progress towards your goals. That’s why setting goals and committing to an action plan is not enough when it comes to building the life you really want.

If you notice yourself avoiding, procrastinating, or having to use a lot of willpower to take the steps required to achieve your goals, you probably have an internal conflict holding you back. If you can get some insight into the internal conflict and resolve it, you will find that it takes a lot less effort to be successful.

I’ve observed two key patterns that produce internal conflict, blocking progress towards important goals:

1. You’ve decided that you want to achieve something, but you haven’t consciously considered all the implications of succeeding, and some of those implications aren’t worth the risk. These implications may be real or imaginary, but the confusing part is that they are not always obvious on the surface. A good example is that you really want a promotion, but this will change many valued relationships with your peers, and also may take you away from your family. You may not have thought through these implications, but at some level you are stalling to protect yourself.

2. You have an unrealistic idea of what success will mean, along with what I call an “emotional hook” to that meaning. It could be that your sense of self-worth is tied to whether you succeed or fail, or that succeeding will finally prove something to somebody. Often graduates feel this emotional pull when hunting for a job after investing a large sum of money into a higher degree. There is pressure to get a job that somehow justifies the expense of the degree, so the job search turns into a search for validation, and the resulting emotions exploit their ability to be effective.

Here’s the good news: fear of success is based on a paradigm, and you can shift your thinking and “unhook” from the emotions that hold you back. If you have something that you have wanted to achieve for a long time, and you wonder if you are sabotaging yourself, here are two key questions to ask yourself, along with a guide on how your thinking would have to shift to move you out of conflict:

1. Is there something about the process of achieving this goal that threatens something you need, such as time, peace, or a certain relationship? If so, you have to figure out a way to insure that you will get your needs met, or you will not move forward. This is easier said than done, but there are tools available to help you with the process.

2. Have you got your ego / sense of self worth tied up in this particular success? If so, you have to get yourself to a place mentally and emotionally where you can be ok with yourself whether or not you succeed. This is also easier said than done, but again, there are several coaching tools available to help you with this process.


What you’ll notice after asking yourself these kinds of questions is that one of two things will happen:

1. Everything will clear up for you, and you’ll be able to move forward easily.

2. You’ll notice yourself getting defensive, angry, frustrated, or confused

If it’s the latter, at least you know that you have some kind of inner conflict or resistance sabotaging your progress. To move forward, you have two choices:

1. You can muster up all the willpower you’ve got and force yourself past all your internal resistance to a successful result, or

2. You can acknowledge the conflict and choose the alternate path of putting your goal on hold, and committing to resolving your inner conflict.

In most cases, ten focused coaching sessions can get you clear on what’s blocking you, what it will take to move past it, and provide you with enough practice to significantly reduce your internal resistance and get you moving forward again.

If you’d like to talk about a goal you are struggling with, and how coaching might help you get past the obsbalces, feel free to call me at (949) 495-1021, or send an e-mail to nahid@aspyrre.com.

Copyright 2007 Nahid Casazza, Aspyrre